For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@Ttc42nearly43 thank you so much. I can relate so much to what you are saying. It’s such a horrible feeling and my heart goes out to you. My dads death was the result of selfish behaviour (not his) and he should have still been here. It’s so so unjust and I too have so much anger. I hope today is ok for you, I’m starting to realise there are no good days anymore, just ones that could pass as ok.

@Ttc42nearly43 I really feel for you, I completely understand that you would want the care home to acknowledge their failings.

You asked about my situation - Mum had a minor (ish) accident and was taken into hospital and patched up but when they discharged her after a couple of days they didn't put any kind of care plan in place so I was left to look after her alone as best I could.

They'd messed around with her medication in hospital and after a few days she collapsed and had to be rushed back to hospital urgently. She was in there for almost 3 nightmare weeks and because of Covid we weren't allowed to visit her, could hardly ever get in touch, had to fight for any information - at one point a nurse even told me on the phone they wouldn't tell me what medication they were giving her 'because that's confidential'. About my own mum. It was just awful.

They were actually going to discharge her, finally, but just as she came home she suddenly took a turn for the worse and although we got her home, we lost her a couple of days later. I've tortured myself over whether I could have changed things - realised that she was already ill when she came home the first time, and that the hospital changing her medication had just made things worse. But I've been trying to understand, through counselling, that I didn't have second sight and I was doing the best I could in really frightening and horrible circumstances. We don't know what was going on, how ill she really was, what else might have been happening.....but it's hard, so desperately hard not to feel responsible and that I didn't save her.

I'm so sorry you feel the same, it's a horrible feeling, I've never felt anything this bad, I don't think.

Brillig
My goodness that must have been horrendous for you. It seems that you have a lot of unanswered questions. I went back to the hospital after mum died and was asking questions to one of the consultants who was involved in looking after mum during her 11 day admission. It helped clear up a few matters which I was dwelling on in regards to mum's treatment in the hospital. My mum was a large lady and they were unable to offer life saving treatment to her which would have been dialysis due to her size. This was very difficult to accept and I asked for a 2nd opinion from the renal team. I pinned my hopes on the next person agreeing to give her dialysis but of course they said the same thing. It was too much of a risk mum was going to die anyway apparently and the options were mum passing away on an operating table or passing away surrounded by her family and in relative peace. I learned in my meeting with the consultant that actually he took a 3rd opinion from one of the senior renal drs who shared the same view. I was told that medicine can only do so much and sometimes even with the best interventions it can fail.
I have no idea how I managed it but I gained access to the ward on the 2nd day and was able to spend 9 days and nights with mum. I have access to full PPE through my work and I kitted myself out completely and just begged the charge nurse to let me in. My mum was quite complex in regards to anxiety and shecwas shouting out a lot and very distressed on the ward once they let me see her they quickly realised that their job would be a heck of a lot easier if I was there to reassure mum and calm her down maybe this is why they let me sit at her bedside.
It's really difficult not to blame yourself I get that completely I have so many what ifs. I find that I torture myself for my stupidity not to have called the care home over the weekend prior to my mum's admission just to check that they were looking after her. Stupidity I had thought that as mum was a resident in a nursing home then she would be getting nursing care. I had no reason to suspect otherwise but she was basically let to fend for herself it's a disgrace.

I'm so sorry to read these stories and can understand the terrible uncertainty and doubts. My circumstances are very different, my mum suddenly collapsed and died a month ago of a heart aneurysm. I keep torturing myself with wishings and imaginings about wishing she had symptoms of a problem before it happened etc. But that's not reality.

It's awful whichever way it happens, isn't it? Those of us who have to live with sudden, shocking finality and those who have a terrible, long-drawn-out rollercoaster - we all struggle to come to terms with loss and ultimately that's what unites us.

My brain just couldn't compute that mum had been living on her own, getting her own meals and doing her own washing....then suddenly she was in hospital and ill and so horribly vulnerable. It was like a nightmare and I remember trying to express all this to one of the hospital staff on the phone - but they were so busy and to them she was just another patient, not a person with a life. I appreciate how busy they are, that's how it has to be.

I'm sure they were efficient but my heart breaks at the thought that I was forbidden to be with her to reassure her and let her know how much she was loved. Part of me still thinks she'd be alive today if only I'd been allowed to visit her every day. We were so close and I miss her so much.

Brillig

These circumstances were completely out with our control I was there with mum and I literally felt like I had her life in my hands every day. I was questioning everything and pushing so hard for them to get mum better but it made no difference to the outcome. Different circumstances I know but maybe you being there wouldn't have changed the outcome either
for your mum but of course that won't stop you wondering. We are hard wired to be critical of ourselves and to try to find blame to make sense of what has happened.
As far as I'm concerned I have found the people responsible whether anything comes of it only time will tell. One thing I know for sure is that nothing will bring mum back this is something I will need to live with forever. I can't stand the thought of the people responsible for not getting her medical help quickly enough are carrying on at the care home with their lives like nothing has happened it seems just too unfair for me to let things rest like this.
I hope your counselling is helping you. I had 4 sessions with Cruse Bereavement but that's it finish now. I can reapply in September if I want to keep going with the sessions. Am thinking that I will go ahead and contact them again for more support.
Take care

kittlesticks
Am sorry to read about what happened to your lovely mum. The same thing happened to a close friends dad last year no prior warning nothing. My heart goes out to you for me it's just over 4 months since mum passed away and I still think about her and miss her all of the time.

@Ttc42nearly43 I feel as if I have become untethered to the world.
Like whatever it was connecting me to the things around me is gone. And now it's a bit like nothing I do matters or affects anything. My mum - my actual mum. Every day it's like I'm inwardly screaming. I have two very young children so it's hard to feel that lack of connection but that's genuinely what it feels like.
I'm so sorry you also find yourself here.

@Ttc42nearly43 it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. I went back to work the day after her funeral which was all kinds of stupid with hindsight. I've noticed I have some friends who just are not mentioning it at all like it never happened - I know they don't know what to say but that doesn't help me.

Mum was my best friend and was just 62 - she was diagnosed a year ago with an extremely aggressive cancer and it was all downhill from there. We managed to keep her at home and nurse her ourselves more or less until the very end though which is what she wanted. I don't have the added stress of what you've been through though - I can't imagine what that must have been like

I start back at work tomorrow after around 4 weeks off. It's from home but I'm really shaky. With such little children and so many 'things' to get on with (many of them practical problems now that my mum is not here anymore as she was one of my main sources of childcare) I feel like I haven't had much time to really take in what's happened. And I feel guilty that I'm worried about the childcare stuff she used to do.

My mum went so suddenly - from being the biggest presence in my life really, in the space of around 10 seconds, she was gone. I still feel like I'm living the wrong life. I just want it to get easier.

@kittlesticks good luck going back to work. Don’t feel guilty, it’s perfectly normal to worry about practical things you’ve lost too. My dad was my only childcare and it hit me like a kick in the gut that I don’t have anyone I can rely on for help anymore. I have lots of mental support but no practical and like you say it’s like living a different life; I guess it is because it’s a life without them. I can’t get my head around that part either and mine died three months ago. Do you have people to speak to?
Work has actually provided a really welcome distraction even if it’s temporary and superficial so you might enjoy the normality, I hope you do, we need to find some pleasures in these dark times.

@Pinkchocolate thanks for understanding.

Hello everyone (sorry to see all the new members we have :( )

Today feels like a sad day, it would have been my Mums 62nd Birthday, 2 years we took her to London for shopping, afternoon tea and cocktails. I am so grateful that we did that. Although it seems unbelievable that she has been gone for over a year now. To celebrate we are having cake and coffee after work, it was something she loved. It just goes to prove how unpredictable life is sometimes.

I am having an assessment for CBT therapy next week as I finally feel ready, I am hoping this helps!

I hope everyone is doing okay?

@Glitterb it's just so sad isn't it one minute they are hear making lovely memories and the next they are gone. Coffee and cake in her memory sounds good let's hope they are all doing that wherever they are

Hello am just checking in to see how everyone is doing? I can't sleep am awake and crying missing my mum so much. I still find the thought that I'll never see her again so hard to get my head around. Even though I was there when mum died out feels like it was some sort of horrible nightmare that I just need to wake up from now as I have had enough of this pain and wish there was something I could do it make it go away. I love her so much and I need her back again. I wish I could see her and hug her and tell her how much I love her

I feel exactly the same @Ttc42nearly43 it is heart wrenching and waking every day and realising again they aren't here anymore

Sending morning solidarity to you both @mrssunshinexxx and @Ttc42nearly43 I have the same feelings every morning when I wake up or sometimes the middle of the night.
I ache for my mum. I wish I could go back in time. It's been 6 weeks since I last saw her in person and nearly 5 weeks since she collapsed and died out of the blue. I think I 'believe' she's died but I don't want to believe this is my life now.
My mum was so central to my life it's like someone has unpicked all the threads of my life and now it can't be fixed.

Love to you @kittlesticks there is just no one like a mum

Kittlesticks and mrssunshinexxx thank you for reaching out. I managed to get back sleep for a while this morning but feel absolutely terrible today am back to work too on a phased return I can't face it but have to. Will go and visit mum at the cemetery after work.

Kittlesticks I feel the same way I know what has happened and what I witnessed was real but I don't want it to be it's just too hard to accept. I ache for my mum too is a deep gnawing pain that just comes and goes some days are better than others. The constant ache is less than in the beginning as it's been 4 1/2 months since my mum died but it's still there under the surface constantly churning away and when it comes bubbling up which the feelings offer do it hurts like hell.
What are you meant to do tho? Is there anything that can help? I have no idea talking helped me in the early weeks and months but now no one talks of mum passing anymore or very few anyway. I was crying last night before I went to bed as I was looking at old photos of mum in her happier days and my husband asked me what was wrong. It annoys me why he feels he needs to ask that question I feel like screaming at him surely it is quite clear why am upset?

Hugs to everyone xx

My husband does the same @Ttc42nearly43 I told about a year ago if I'm crying it's 99.9% likely that it's becagse my mums dead stop asking and give me a cuddle

for you all, @Ttc42nearly43 @mrssunshinexxx @kittlesticks

Ttc, I know you’ve had counselling but have you considered talking to someone again? It sounds to me as though you badly need somebody non-judgmental to hear you and you don’t have that outlet at the moment. Talking everything through with the right person could help you a lot, I feel. It can be very therapeutic and healing just to talk and acknowledge those awful feelings of loss which are so hard to contain.

Is there any way you could do that, or would want to?

I’m sorry everyone is hurting so much. I at least have the ‘consolation’ (though at times it doesn’t feel that way) that my mum was very elderly by anyone’s standards, and had well passed her ‘fourscore years and ten’. Doesn’t stop me wishing she was still here with me right now, though.

@Brillig I feel like there's never an ok time
To lose them in some ways I think to myself would it of been even harder if I had had her for another 3 decades like I should ot the bond would of been even deeper my children would of fallen in love with her just like me

@Brillig I agree with @mrssunshinexxx - I feel bad when I think I wanted ten more years at least with mum - it would have meant my kids would have had to grieve too. She was so much about their joy and their happiness (they are very little) and I do sometimes think perhaps this was fates way of dealing with that. I miss her so much but my kids will only remember her through my stories, once I'm able to tell them.

Hi everyone

I posted a while back with my dad's terminal illness diagnosis, we thought he would have around 6 months. He developed a catastrophic bleed and on Tuesday 13th he slipped away peacefully at home with us holding his hands. My lovely nan on mum's side who we have looked after for 9 years since mum's death the reason I used to be on this thread collapsed the night before, she died late Monday night.

I feel like it hasn't sunk in, like I'm going through the motions of organising two funerals :(

I'm heartbroken for all of you on this thread, it's a journey I've taken and wish we didn't have to take again.

Wow @supermariossister that is just heartbreaking them both dying so close together it is so much for you to process do you have siblings/ a aupportive partner ? Very sorry for your losses x