For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

I'm so very sorry to hear that @supermariossister

Sending you all the support and solidarity possible. Try and remember to take care of yourself at such an awful time

@supermariossister I am so very sorry to hear what's happened. I send you a lot of solidarity and whatever strength I have x

@supermariossister

Oh my goodness how sad for you and the rest of your family you will find the inner strength to get through the funeral planning it's like you go on auto pilot and you know you have arrangement's to make so this forces you to get up every day and get on with doing what you need to do. My heart goes out to you it really does I understand exactly how you must be feeling. My mum was just 66 years old following a sudden infection and died within 11 days. On the night mum passed I was there with my dad and niece my sister had not long left to go home for a sleep. The nurses came in and asked if I wanted them to give mum personal care. I said ok as I thought a freshen up would be nice for her but regret agreeing this now as mum slipped away before we managed to get back in the room. Having worked a lot with end of life care myself I know that often when someone is moved position's they can slip away. I keep thinking that we may have had more time even just that one more evening with mum and I could have been holding her hand when she passed but we were always asked to sit in the family room for a short time while the nurses did their work. I keep thinking did mum open her eyes looking for us when she passed away and we weren't there. We noticed straight away when we entered the room that she was gone the nurses were filling out her chart and never heard anything. It still haunts me today knowing that I wasn't there when I had been with her day and night for 9 days when they finally let me into the hospital to see mum but I wasn't there in the very last minute.

That was nice (sorry maybe not the best choice of words) that you were there with your dad at the final moment am sure that he would have felt your hand in his and knew that you were there for him. Am sorry to hear about your nan too so much loss in such a short period of time.

This is not relevant to your situation but I wanted to share that my cousin's husband lost both his mum and dad within 5 days of each other to cancer. He has had counselling which has helped some but it has to come at the right time for you. As I have said to other people on this thread Cruse Bereavement helpline was a lifeline for me in the early days and weeks following mum dying I used to call the most days just sobbing my heart out they were a great resource just to listen without being emotionally involved.

@brillig
You mentioned in your post about more counselling I have thought about this and I can get more from Cruse Bereavement in September after my 4 early intervention sessions I was told that I could get back in touch with them if I felt I needed more help. Am currently mulling this over but it might help as sometimes I feel like am boring people talking about mum. I feel like I can't keep going on about mum as people have probably had enough. Maybe am just being over sensitive thinking this way. I know there is no timeline for grief so I have no idea why I feel that I would be bothering people by still talking about mum. It's like I feel that people think that I should be feeling better now when am definitely not and never will be "over" lossing my mum. The one person in the world that loved me with her heart and sole which I did and still to her.

I stumbled across a song the other day Ed Sheeran Supermarket Flowers boy that it one hell of a sad song it totally took my breath away am not religious but I could relate to a lot of the words in that song if anyone has heard it?

Hugs to everyone @supermariossister we are always here if you need to talk.

@brillig sorry I meant to add that I don't think it would make much of a different coping with the loss of your mum whatever age they were the only thing that hurts is the comments. I was at the cemetery yesterday and a lady came over and looked at mum's plaque and said that 6- was so young and that some people aren't even retired at 66. She mentioned that her dad had passed in his late 80's and she felt that he had had a good life and she couldn't imagine having lost him at 66. I know she wasn't being nasty but I do find it upsetting people pointing out how young mum was as if I don't know that already and feel cheated and would have given anything to have another 20 years with her which is what I thought I had. The problem with loosing a parent much younger that you would expect them to pass and without much prior warning and you don't get the chance to say everything you needed to say to them. You don't get the chance to do everything you wanted to do with them. To hold them and tell them how much you love them. This is what makes it so difficult is that you make the assumption that you've got years ahead of you with them and suddenly it is snatched away from you and it's them just too late.

It's been over 5 weeks since my mum collapsed and died out of the blue. I wasn't there when it happened. Yesterday we buried the ashes. It was so awful. It's so painful. I feel like I'm barely functioning today. I have two small children and a full time job. 😢

Hugs for you it's just the strangest feeling isn't it @kittlesticks

@kittlesticks

It's been over 5 weeks since my mum collapsed and died out of the blue. I wasn't there when it happened. Yesterday we buried the ashes. It was so awful. It's so painful. I feel like I'm barely functioning today. I have two small children and a full time job. 😢

Bless you sweetheart. It really does hurt. It's a pain you could never have imagined.

My mum died very suddenly 10 months ago (10 months yesterday to be precise, she collapsed at home she never came back) and my whole universe has shifted.

The grief doesn't get easier but it becomes less oppressive, less crushing.

There isn't an hour in the day I don't think of mum, but my thoughts are peaceful (happy memories) or reflective (wondering what she would make of something) but they are not the awful thoughts that plagued the early days.

Burying your mum's ashes is a huge deal and you are bound to feel the emotional and physical stress of it. I have young kids (and work) so I know it is difficult to take time out but in these very early days you need to just go with your feelings. My kids had many a movie afternoon / freezer dinner when I first lost my mum. Some days it was all I could manage.

Take care of yourself

@Crunchymum thank you. You've made me cry.
My mum was like a best friend. She was so much 'mine' really the one person in my life most like me. We shared so much in common. It's good to think it'll lighten as it has for you. It's like I've been hit by a very dark heavy large object. I genuinely have moments when I can't see how to continue with the next thing. Then if I'm having a slightly better moment I will rush off an email or quickly clean a surface!
It's good to know that I won't feel this terrible forever. Thank you.

@kittlesticks I feel exactly the same. no one will ever care about me the way she did. I miss her in every moment it takes my breath away I can just be walking along in the supermarket or down the high street and burst into tears it's truly debilitating

@mrssunshinexxx it's unbelievable isn't it. Sending hugs.

I unexpectedly found a letter from my mum the other day. I was just clearing some things away and there it was, her handwriting on the envelope. My heart was pounding as I opened it. It was just a little note, she'd sent me a cheque for a bit of money and told me to fritter it away. And signed it 'lots of love, Mum'. I had to sit down and have a little weep.

Like Crunchy, I feel I'm coming out of those hideous, nightmarish days when the whole world seemed like an alien place impossible to navigate without mum in it. There are moments when it pierces me again to the heart. But seeing that letter brought her back so vividly, and in a way it made me feel she still exists just as strongly as she ever did, and always will. If that makes any sense.

Big hugs @Brillig it takes your breath away doesn't it? I have a memory box of mum stuff. Birthday cards from her and from me to her the one before last on Mother's Day said ' can't wait to go for afternoon tea next year with my baby girl too' and you just take those things for granted I never thought I wouldn't get to do that ever again.

Hi everyone just wanted to check in I have been reading peoples posts daily. The last few days I have been so emotional. I have a dream about mum last night I woke up and I could see her smiling face it broke my heart. Like others am not crippled with grief as I was the first 3 months but it still hits me some days am ok and others am really upset.
I get upset thinking what mum would say if she saw me crying she'd be so worried. I hate that this is my life now. I stop myself from going places that have have visited with mum as it's just too painful. Even looking at holidays as I thought it might be nice to take the kids away I can't go anywhere that I have been with mum. I'd like to take the kids back to Majorca one day but I was there with mum. I feel like I have so much avoidance.
Jeez I miss her so much my heart is just broken. I need her in my life sometimes I think what's the point anymore.

kittlesticks
Is there an option for you to take time off work I was off for 4 1/2 months currently on a 4 week phased return but I can't go back to my old job just yet as I deal a lot with end of life care and people dying am just not ready. My boss may be able to find me another role for 6 months it's a huge reduction in pay but am going to do it if it means that I can be at work and not need to cope with so much emotional distress. I have been crying a few times this week in work I just can't help it.
Seriously if it is in any way viable you need to speak to ur GP and see if you can maybe get sign off for a bit give yourself so time to heal.
Have you tried the Cruse Bereavement helpline I know I have mentioned them before but they really were a lifeline for me in the early weeks.

One of the weirdest things about grief (for me) has been the randomness of it all?

Things that I'd expect to upset me dont but then things that really "shouldn't" upset me can stop me in my tracks.

It was my youngest DC's last day at nursery today and all day I've been moping about, feeling generally crappy and sorry for myself. Then it hit me.... mum was so excited for my DC (she is disabled) to get a place at a mainstream outstanding rated nursery and she died just a week before we started. She never got to see it and yet we've done a whole bloody school year there? Another reminder of things mum will never see and how far time has taken us from her, already. She never got to see DC first day, how could this have been her last day???

It's so subtle I didn't even figure it out to begin with but once I did, I felt so sad. But acknowledging it snd having a very big, ugly cry I feel a bit better.

It scares me a little, that my life is now a series of events my mum will never know of.

You're so right Crunchy. A young family member of mine, 'A' let's call her, has had life-changing surgery in the last few months for a condition she was born with and which has caused her immense problems, both physically and emotionally. I'm so happy for her (I love her dearly) and yet so very sad that mum didn't live to see it happen. One of the last things she said was to ask if 'A' was all right. She was thinking of other people right up to the end.

It's just so hard. And yet we have to believe that they would have been so happy to see these good things happen, especially now when everything is so hard.

Your daughter sounds a star, by the way, Crunchy 🌟

It's just so hard. And yet we have to believe that they would have been so happy to see these good things happen, especially now when everything is so hard

@Brillig

This is exactly right. Mum was our biggest champion and I know she'd be so happy for all the positive things that have happened since she died (and surprisingly there have been a few!)

I am glad to hear that A had their surgery and sorry that your mum didn't get to see that day.

@crunchymum

Your comment where you said that it scares me a little, that your life is now a series of events my mum will never know of. I feel exactly the same way even all the little things they all end up just being things that happened that mum would never experience or learn about. Am doing lots of painting inside my house just now to keep busy and I find it doesn't take much out of me mentally. I wish I could show mum the changes I've made. Sometimes I imagine bringing mum to the house and I know word for word exactly what she would say. I want to hear those words with all of my heart.
The biggest thing for me with mum passing is sharing my life with her. Pictures on WhatsApp, video calls, phone calls, holidays and having days out. Am married and I still have my dad but I feel lonely there is no one like your mum right? There is no one that can replace the person that carried you for 9 months the constant voice that you heard even before you were born.
I wish I could thank my mum for everything that she did for me but there was no time for that when mum died so quickly. As harrowing as it was I even wish that I could go back to being in the hospital with mum. Me sleeping in a hard plastic chair bent over and holding her hand every night. At one point i knew that mum could hear me even though she could not respond and barley open her eyes but she was there breathing and warm next to me.
These milestones you mentioned with your daughter I wonder if you could start a scrap book of pictures and places you have been that you would have shared with your mum. It could be a keepsake for your daughter maybe something you could both look back on when she gets older.
I don't know about you but it's only July and am already dreading Christmas this with be the first Christmas without mum. Also it is her birthday in November and both my kids birthdays in September I don't want to experience the "first" of anything without mum. I imagine that you feel the same way.

The scrapbook is a beautiful idea, I love it and I think it will be something positive the pour my sadness into.

I see or do something everyday that I think "mum would like that" or "mum would find that funny" she is present in her absence.

We are 10 months down the line and we've done all the big firsts - her birthday, Christmas, mother's day, my birthday (in fact all our immediate family barring one nephew have had a birthday and we've even had a new baby born). The next "biggy" for me will be her 1 year anniversary (September) and I am already absolutely dreading it.

My mum had a November birthday - she was the 2nd x

@Crunchymum

I get that what are you meant to do on the anniversary I have no idea. Just try to get through the day as best you can I imagine.

My mum was born in St Andrews day 30th November. We couldn't celebrate it last year properly as my mum was locked up in the care home. I got weekly visits but you couldn't have close contact and residents could go out of the building. It really upsets me to know that the last year of my mum's life was spent locked away from the outside xx

Sorry meant to say residents couldn't go out of the building it was always so horrible when the 30 min visit time slot was up and they came to take mum away from me often she didn't want to go but they had to clean the room for the next person so I had to leave. The care homes are open now for visitors as we are level 0 now but it's too late as mum is now gone

Oh gosh @Ttc42nearly43 that sounds utterly awful.

I am sure having a relative I'm a care home, at the "best of times" is hard enough but fuck me.

I'm starting to feel really angry about how much was lost to Covid. My mum was locked up for the last few months of her life, not on the same way (and please don't think I am minimising yours - or anyone else's - experience) due to the affect of the pandemic on her mental health.

I won't lie, mum had battled with panic and anxiety all her adult life and she was never medicated (her choice) but she had many periods of being happy and healthy and well. She wasn't in the best place pre Covid but the pandemic completely ruined her. She went from managing to suffering with panic and anxiety with every waking moment. They called an ambulance for her the day she died and everyone agreed she'd had a massive panic attack. Well she convinced them that is what is was (healthy anxiety was a massive part of my mum's illness). Her BP and oxygen levels were fine but her HR was fast which isn't uncommon for a panic attack. I think that first ambulance would have taken her, had she insisted but she would have done anything to avoid hospital. 2 hours later she was dead.

Sorry I'm rambling and going off on tangent. But Covid has had a profound affect on all of our losses and how we have to navigate illness, death, funerals and grief. It's made a terrible time on our lives so much harder.

Just to say thinking of you all. The last few days since the ashes burial have been so hard. The sense of finality and also the fact that the majority of friends and family have backed slowly away from us. My Dad is an anxious and fragile mess. It's so hard to think of him on his own and yet every day I feel like I should be having him round or going there. When I go there I find it very hard to recover. It's been nearly 6 weeks since it happened now and I just find it so hard to understand that this is the rest of my life now.
My DS starts school in September so I totally get the missed moments stuff too. But one thing I find hard with that is, mum isn't missing us - the pain of the missed moments is mine to bear. That's so hard.
Wishing everyone a good Sunday, as good as it can be.

@Crunchymum

I can relate as my mum also had crippling anxiety this was why she was in a care home she couldn't cope with life in the community. Before mum went into care 10 years ago her anxiety got so bad the she started drinking really heavily. My dad tried to cope and I even had mum living with me for a while but the drinking was too much for anyone to cope with. Eventually mum left the family home where she raised us and went into temporary accommodation then sheltered housing but each place kicked her out because of the alcohol misuse. Mum was so nervous that she spent the majority of her time in bed which resulted in her putting on lots of weight which made her physically disabled. She got a care home placement and the drinking stopped immediately but it was hard for her to settle and she moved around homes for a bit then eventually moved into the home she was in laterally in October 2019. She seemed to be enjoying her new place and was making friends. Covid was really tough on her mentally too like your mum. My dad offered her to move back with him during lockdown but she had so many bad memories from the old house she couldn't step foot inside it since she left all those years ago. I wish that I had done more looking back I wish that I had got a place for me, mum and the kids. My husband barley spoke a word to my mum after a huge argument years ago when she got drunk at our house so there was no way he'd let mum move in with us.
I keep beating myself up about how I used to speak to mum sometimes now always but I used to get annoyed when she would call me at work or at teatime mum always called at the wrong moment. I should have been more patient with her. Mum used to worry excessively about me and that used to be very difficult to cope with and sometimes I felt smothered by her love. How terrible is that? I feel like the worst daughter in the world. Why could I not see how lucky I was to have such an adoring mum. Sometimes I hate myself for having been so hard on her. I don't know why I was like that I guess I found her obsessive worrying that something was going to happen to me just too much. I never got the chance to say sorry. People tell me that I was always there for mum and that I did "more than most" to help her over the years but I can't see any of that right now all I see if the things that I did or said to fail my mum.

Sometimes I worry that she would be in such a state if she knew what her dying had done to me. It's changed everything.

@kittlestickes

I feel the same that I can't accept that this is my life now. I want to see my mum so much I literally hurts through my entire being that I will never see her again. I wish I had religious beliefs that what I tell my kids that granny will be waiting for us all in heaven then maybe there would be some comfort but there is none.