For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

How do you cope? I am trying to keep my head above water, trying not to be snappy but it's hard. My lo has some behavioural problems which require a lot of patience and resience- but I am finding it really hard. I have to dig deep all the time and I feel like there is little left.
Mrssunshinexxx I can totally relate to your heart being broken.

@Misspollyhadadolly92 I really don't know. I feel like she's never far from my mind I can cry or tears fill my eyes at the drop of a hat several times a day. Wish I could give you advice but other than keeping busy I don't have any x

Sorry to read about everyone's stories. My mum died suddenly 2 weeks ago.
We were very close. After going through quite a lot of shock and quite honestly being hysterical at times, I don't know what's happened today because I've been fairly weepy but also quite... calm?
Is this the numb stage?

Kittlesticks....sorry to hear about your mum. What a shock :( There are cycles/stages of grief which helped me understand a bit. Your mum must have left a big gap in your life.
Xx

So sorry for your loss @kittlesticks you are in a safe place here to chat about her and how you are feeling. There are supposedly 5 stages of grief but grief is so messy and unpredictable just go with how you feel. I remember the first day I must of asked my husband and sister 100 times 'is this real though, are you sure she's definitely dead ?' I couldn't accept it it seemed totally alien to me that she left me

There can be a numb stage @kittlesticks, quite normal. Mine lasted over a year and that's not as unusual as I thought.
Coming on here at half past midnight because I'm having a big snotty crying jag for my Mum - who died over 18 months ago. There was another thread about doing little things for a poster's very ill mother which reminded me of how much it meant to be able to comb Mum's hair or make her smile, and for once it turns out so can grieve normally.

Grief just catches you unawares. I used to find going to sleep really hard as I would have the most vivid dreams about my mum,then when I woke I would think she was still alive. I found that hard.
It's just absolutely gutting, literally.
They leave a massive gap xx

The guilt is back for me today I keep playing over in my mind the warning signs in the days leading up to mum going into hospital. There were many but all of which I never thought would result in mum dying all of which I thought weren't serious. I needed to take action for her and I never this is my deepest regret. Mum told me on the Saturday that she wasn't feeling well she said it was her back hurting mum was in a wheelchair so I done some research and ordered her a back support cushion and said to her to tell the nurse in the care home how she was feeling. Later on I found out that she never spoke to anyone about her back pain and mum's support cushion arrived at the care home when she was dying in hospital completely useless purchase when I thought I was helping. I should have called the care home myself and made sure that she had flagged up to them that she wasn't feeling well.
We spoke on Sunday lunchtime there was nothing more flagged up by mum to me. No mention of the redness in her leg which was discovered on Sunday morning by the care staff who never got her help and they never called me either to let me know. They never checked on mum's leg all day and it slowly got worse. On Sunday evening I missed 13 WhatsApp calls from mum. 13 calls in total none of which I heard coming in as I had dozed off watching TV mum must have thought I was ignoring her. I seen mum on Monday at the home and seen that she wasn't well. I spoke to the nurse who said they had called the GP and an antibiotic was prescribed and that they were waiting on this being delivered. I spoke to the in house physio about mum's back. I thought everything was addressed but looking back I felt that something wasn't quite right with mum but accepted their explanation that mum was tired as she hadn't slept well on the Sunday night but I should have gone with my gut instinct and insisted on a GP visit to the care home. The GP never visited mum at all. Am thinking that there are things that I could have done things that's I should have done that never. Am thinking that maybe If I had taken mum's initial conversation about her not feeling well on the Saturday more seriously then something more would have been done and the care staff would have sat up and taken notice of mum instead of delaying getting her medical support.
My thoughts are only compounded by the care inspector report upholding my complaints about the home not taking action sooner. I should have made them see and made them take action. I never knew for one second that mum was critically ill.
I feel like I have failed her too. I wish I could go back and do everything differently then maybe mum would still be alive. I should have done more for her. I miss her so much and really feel like I let her down when she needed me the most. If only I knew then what lay ahead but now it's too late. Mum is gone forever just like that so quickly 11 days after going into hospital she was gone. I hate myself for not taking the situation seriously enough mum had previously leg infections but this time it was really bad and her kidneys failed because of it. I should have done more I wish I could go back in time

4 months today and mum died I called her mobile phone this morning and listened to her voicemail message. It doesn't feel real that she's gone. I don't think it's properly sunk in yet that she's actually gone. I think about her no longer existing but it feels like am thinking about someone else does anyone else get this unreal feeling?

@Ttc42nearly43 yes I can't believe I won't EVER see her again. I don't believe in afterlife or spirits or heaven etc so for me that's it it's all over mine and her relationship is gone. It hurts physically, emotionally, mentally every day I am 15montjs down the road and it hurts as much as day 1

@Ttc42nearly43

4 months today and mum died I called her mobile phone this morning and listened to her voicemail message. It doesn't feel real that she's gone. I don't think it's properly sunk in yet that she's actually gone. I think about her no longer existing but it feels like am thinking about someone else does anyone else get this unreal feeling?

Yes, I do get this feeling. My nine year old does, too. It is very hard to articulate. I am very spiritual, you could say, so maybe it is linked to that. But I can't say! Because I don't know the alternative feeling for an alternative me! But I certainly do know what you mean. I have been sadly very awol. The 'first year anniversary' shudder was a deep dive down a dark place. I'm just emerging.

Gosh, reading these messages is hard and my heart goes out to you all. Somehow I don't feel so alone but yet it's awful to know so many of us struggling.

A bit of context, my Mum died in 2006 and my Dad in 2010 and I'm only just beginning to process the grief now, having just 'carried on' for many years. Like you tlc I berate myself daily for the things I feel I should have/wish I had done differently. I really don't know how to get beyond this.

I have developed a very real fear of dying (currently undergoing some tests and panicking) and it's made me realise how my scared Mum (cancer, my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack) must have been. I didn't realise how terrifying it was and she didn't talk about it to me - protecting me, I imagine. I feel like I should have forced her to talk to me, that somehow I could have helped if I'd understood more then as I do now. I find this very hard to overcome.

Sending sympathy and love to you all. x

@Bob74

Gosh, reading these messages is hard and my heart goes out to you all. Somehow I don't feel so alone but yet it's awful to know so many of us struggling.

A bit of context, my Mum died in 2006 and my Dad in 2010 and I'm only just beginning to process the grief now, having just 'carried on' for many years. Like you tlc I berate myself daily for the things I feel I should have/wish I had done differently. I really don't know how to get beyond this.

I have developed a very real fear of dying (currently undergoing some tests and panicking) and it's made me realise how my scared Mum (cancer, my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack) must have been. I didn't realise how terrifying it was and she didn't talk about it to me - protecting me, I imagine. I feel like I should have forced her to talk to me, that somehow I could have helped if I'd understood more then as I do now. I find this very hard to overcome.

Sending sympathy and love to you all. x

Bob74, I'm so sorry for your losses, and so sorry for the fear and panic you are feeling now. And yes, I understand what you mean about then thinking about that in relation to how your mum must have felt.

I send you so much love. And no, please try and make friends with the decision your mum made. Your mum made her decision as your mum. Mum knows best! You are her baby and she has that right to protect you.

Do keep talking here if it helps. I understand what you mean.
Much love xx

Was at an exercise class hopping about with the rest of the oldies and the accompanying music switched over to Madness's "Our House"
("She's the one they're going to miss
In lots of ways")
Bloody hell nearly started crying in the middle of star jumps.

@bob74 your Mum may have thought one person being scared was quite enough, and preferred to enjoy her times with you. Dying people are still themselves (albeit v unwell) and get to make choices (good or bad) just like they did when they were healthier.
Sending you good wishes re. the tests. Not knowing is crap.

There are so many triggers aren't there just everywhere they knock the wind out of you. @FluffyFluffyClouds

@Bob74 sorry for your losses , I understand what you mean I rarely go in the car but I'm certain I'm going to die in a car crash or my husband will he does a lot of driving and motorway driving it's all irrational but I'm terrified of leaving my babies too soon. We were talking yesterday and my husband said he would be happy if he got to 65 as we were taking about my 88 year old nan he said there's no way he will get to that age. I fairly snapped at him and said you should aspire for more than that not least because you shouldn't want to leave your daughters in their early thirties look at what it's done to me. Men just don't think

I can really relate to some of the things you have shared. I know exactly what you mean about the fear of something happening,/someone dying. I think about it often. When I was small I would regularly have horrific nightmares about my family dying, and this fear exists on a day to day basis. Its just part of me now, and I regularly imagine scenarios if someone died what I would do. I've never actually admitted that til now.
I am sorry for all the guilt you feel, its runs deep, all the what if's and buts. Living with that pain must compound the pain 💔 .

This is a really nice thread, it feels so safe to share.

Xx
I

Hi all I worry about my dad dying he is 10 years older than mum at 76 just now and I see him getting frailer as the years go by. He told me recently that he and mum used to talk about dying and they both thought that mum would live well past dad as you would expect with such a big age gap.
I don't like being this person my life has been turned upside down with mum passing away. What are you meant to do with all of this hurt and longing? Am going back to work on Monday on a 4 week phased return I have been off for 4 and a half months. I feel nervous and it doesn't feel right. It's like life is meant to resume as it was previously but it never can be the same again without mum.
I wonder what it must be like to have no one to turn to no parents alive it's a really scary thought for me. No matter what age you are if your lucky your parents always have your back I know mine do and am eternally great for that. I was so fortunate to have a mum who was always in n my corner. I miss her so much. I feel so bad that I let her down. I fought for my mum for years to get her the best care and I got her moved from her previous care home as she was unhappy and unsettled. I thought I had found her the perfect home but it wasn't there were so many failings. Lockdown came and the doors were closed and family were shut out. When I got the call to say that mum was going into hospital I never for 1 second thought that 11 days later she would be dead. God if feels so unfair

@Ttc42nearly43 I have to reply to your last couple of messages as, apart from the details, I could have written every single word about the terrible guilt, the feeling that I'm responsible for what happened, that I could have saved my mum if I'd got a doctor to her sooner - all those things, round and round in my head. Last week it all poured out again and I was inconsolable.

I know how it must be eating you up and I'm so sorry.

The only way I think it's possible to deal with it is to think that you just didn't know at the time. You didn't have any way of foretelling the future; you'd done so much to help your mum and there was no reason to think that she wouldn't have the GP visit, that she'd get the antibiotics and all would be well. You only know now that those things didn't happen and - understandably - you're beating yourself up for it.

One of the hardest things I'm finding is having to accept that this thing, this awful, painful, unbearable thing, has happened. And I can't do anything to change it. That's the reality and my god, it is so difficult to live with. But we just have to do our best at the time, and the fact is that you don't get any warning of what's going to happen. We all want things to make sense and to happen in a logical way but they just....don't. It's only afterwards that we try to force events into some kind of rational sequence ('if I'd done this then that would have happened...') but life rarely happens that way.

Someone expressed it to me as now feeling as though your whole life had been thrown up in the air like a jigsaw puzzle, and you have to pick up the bits and fit them back together, but it won't be the same picture as before and there will always be a piece missing, and that will be your beloved mum. But you will re-make the picture and you will never forget the space where your mum was.

I really like the jigsaw puzzle analogy @Brillig it really does sum things up.

Life will never, ever be the same. I will never, ever be the same. My family will never, ever be the same. But the world is still turning and we are all coping and finding our way.

We are all still all able to smile and see beauty. Mum is still part of our lives, that too will never, ever change.

@Brillig thank you for the jigsaw analogy.
I keep wondering will I ever be truly happy again.

Thank you Brillig for your understanding I have decided to take some legal advice about mum's case I really feel that the care home need to take responsibility for their failings and to date they haven't admitted any wrong doing. I may not get anywhere with it but I need them not to forget what has happened, what they have done and my now shattered life and the rest of my family now broken.
Today I took the kids to the fun fair with my dad and sister the only missing piece was mum. The same fun fair my mum took us as kids and I could picture her scooting around on her mobility scooter. I was watching my kids and looking at their smiling and laughing faces and feeling an overwhelming sadness that mum was missing out. She adored her grandkids and lived seeing them having fun.
It's like we are going through the motions of life but there is a big black cloud hanging over us all. This endless sadness everyone is thinking of mum and wishing she was with us.
What was your mum's situation again if you want to share again sorry there's been so many messages on here sometimes you get lost in the blur of sadness and everyone here is grieving hard for their mum or dad.
Am really struggling coming to terms with the fact that I will have to live the rest of my life without mum. It seems like such a long road. I was reading some of mum's text messages to me this morning. Looking back she was always thinking about me and would regularly text to say that she loved me or a text to say thank you for visiting her at the home. I used to go every single week without fail even when I was heavily pregnant with both my kids i'd still make it to see mum. Until lockdown then everything changed I was shut out if her life by the care home and now she is gone forever.

These stories are so sad.
I lost my precious dad three months ago. Everything has been a struggle since. I’m so close to my parents and it’s left such a massive hole in my life. He had health problems for years but it was always “manageable” and “curable” and now he’s dead my heart is in bits. I don’t know how to live without him. I have a husband, children and career but I just can’t imagine feeling happy again.

@Ttc42nearly43 I just wanted to reach out and say I get the thing about a younger mum going first - we are in exactly the same place and it just never entered our heads that it could happen.

I think the thing I'm finding hardest just now is everyone talking about "going back to normal" - because everything has been so strange losing my mum has been part of that - now I'm having to face the reality that I'm never going to go back to the normal I had last March. It's terrifying me.

Margotsdevil
I agree with you the old "normal" doesn't exist anymore. Am going back to work on Monday on a phased return I have been putting it off as I honestly feel that I shouldn't be trying to resume any of my life as it was previously of course some of it has had to continue in regards to my children and their routine. For a while it felt so strange standing at the school gates watching all the familiar faces going about their "normal" lives whilst mine has just came crashing down around me.
I think about my mum pretty much all of the time but I have found that I have started to mention my grief less to people. No one has said anything directly to me but I feel that people will be sick and tired of me talking about mum and mum dying and the circumstances around this happening. I don't really talk much about mum to my husband I get the feeling he fed up hearing it and just thinks am obsessive plus they never got on with each other so that always lingers at the back of my mind.
Do you want to talk a little about your mum? Mine was a treasure sadly I feel that I should have treasured her more just another thing to add to my long list of regrets. It's amazing how much you would give to have more time with your mum. My niece said to me recently that she would give up her life to see her granny again and I know how she feels. I often image an alternate outcome and see myself hugging my mum in hospital as she gets better. I imagine how much more I would appreciate her and tell her I love her every day. It hurts tho to allow my mind to go down this road as I know that it will never happen.

@Pinkchocolate

I just wanted to reach out and say that I get what you are feeling. It's scary to think that you need to live the rest of your life without your loved one. For me this is my mum who like you with your dad I was very close to. Your not alone out there am on the same path and it hurts like nothing else on earth. For me there are people responsible for my mum getting so unwell and this is extremely difficult to deal with but am trying to work through it. I feel angry tho and incredibly upset about the injustice if it all. I feel sad for mum as she loved her family as much as we love her. Mum's biggest fear was not being able to see us anymore. I know she was scared in the hospital as she told me this but there was nothing I could do to save her I could only be there right next to her trying to calm her down and hold her hand. I still feel traumatised by watching mum slowly fade away it's been 4 months and its still so raw.