Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Hello @Spiritwriter I've been looking out for you x I wish I had some faith I really do sometimes I think it might help abit but I just don't feel that way at all sadly.
But then I do think she is around me as a bird I know that sounds insane and means I must believe in something !
It's just so so difficult isn't it every milestone. A month today until her birthday we should be celebrating her 64th birthday, even in lockdown I would of dropped her treats on the doorstep although if she was here she would be my support bubble and I would see her most days 💔

Sorry pressed send too soon. Glad to hear you are having an ok day today how have you been in general? Remind me do you have children?

Oh goodness... I typed a reply and it didn't send! Gah. @mrssunshinexxx I will try and repeat.
So glad you answered x do tag me anytime.
And your bird! So wonderful! Trust that feeling for sure! I find the more I connect with mum, the stronger and stronger it gets. Our relationship continues, albeit changed.
Still hard though. But I do things to try and help it. Like breathing. Proper breathing. Holding a wand my mum bought me.
Talking to her.

I have felt down of late... Fed up and a bit glum with the daily grind. But today was a good one once I got going.

Yes, I have three children. Two boys and a girl. 11, 8, and 5. X

I'm not religious but I do consider myself to be quite spiritual.

I read this quote the day after my mum died and it is something that gives me great comfort. I put a copy of it in with mum and I carry a copy in my purse.

I think it is stunningly beautiful and sums up how I feel about death. My mum was like me (not religious but spiritual) but others in the family less so, hence us going for something more traditional at the funeral .

That's lovely Crunchymum

@crunchymum that is beautiful, thank you for sharing 🙏
I am also not religious, but connected to spirit.
I don't know how to share, but when I get some time I will see if I can share a poem a friend shared with me. It is a tear jerker, so only read when you are OK to be in that. But... It so utterly encapsulates the nature of a deep, loving relationship with someone so close.

I am tearing up today, but I try and see it as swells of love.

It happens to every single one of us. We will all make the same journey. 🙏

@Spiritwriter please try and post it you just click the paper clip symbol below

Thank you for thinking of me @Spiritwriter

I've been a bit up and down. The worst, awful aftermath of Mum suddenly not being here any more has eased but I get ambushed by missing her so, so much. She was such a vital person, even at her great age, that although objectively I knew how frail she'd become, it almost didn't register. It felt as though we were two friends of the same age. We used to laugh over silly things, talk about anything and nothing. Part of me is mourning the total loss of that friendship as well, which I now see was one of the most important things in my life.

I know this probably sounds odd or maybe a bit creepy but I remember when I first learned in biology lessons at school that they believe girls are born with all their eggs already in place....when I look now at photos of mum when she was young and beautiful (she was pretty and lively, with loads of very curly blonde hair) I feel comforted by the thought that I was already with her, even then. It's weird, I suppose, but as you say Spiritwriter, there is a continuum. She will always be with me too, although I don't have children so there's no physical link. But I think of her all the time.

She was a remarkable person in her quietly unheroic way. She didn't have a very fulfilling life but she was so brave and uncomplaining. She took pleasure in the smallest things. Even right at the end, I don't think she thought she was going to die and she tried so hard not to. Right up to the end. She was so full of life, that's why I'm finding it so hard to accept losing her.

And this is when I lose it again...

Wow @Brillig I'm crying with you, I felt every word of that especially about the friendship my mum is the best friend I'll ever have and now I have to live the rest of my life from my twenties without her it's heart wrenching.
Maybe one day we will feel comforted by how lucky we were to have these bonds but now it's just too painful

@mrssunshinexxx I'm so sorry for your loss too. I try not to feel I'm wallowing in grief, I don't want to do that. I'm luckier than you in that I'm much older and I had my mum for so much longer so I feel guilty that I'm making a huge deal of it. But when I see all the 90-somethings getting their vaccines on the news it still catches me. If only she'd been able to hang on for just a little bit longer.

I can feel that I'm accepting it more calmly now but I don't know if I'll ever be able to think about her without welling up.

Please don't feel guilty @Brillig I think they are very different things but both equally sad and life changing obviously every day I wish I had got more time with her even a week never mind years. But if I had of had the 25 years or whatever that I 'should ' of had our relationship would of been even better, stronger , millions more memories etc that in turn make the loss even harder to of lost them at later life. I don't think for me it's as much the age thing although it's heart breaking I think it's how sudden it was that is the sucker punch and that she met both my sisters Childrens (5 in total) for years and me and mum were the closest by a mile, everyone including my sisters would agree and I feel angry some days why didn't she hang on for mine even though I know it doesn't work like that but I needed her so much and surely she knew that. And I think of how scared she must of been and did she know she was dying etc it TORTURES me daily at the moment I hate the thought of her suffering x

Hi all
I don’t know where else to turn. My Dad died last night - he was only 64 & the kindest, gentlest and loveliest man. It was ruptured aorta so very sudden & quick.
I hadn’t seen him since September due to the risk of Covid & me living several hours away. I feel so guilty and so very sad that I didn’t get to see him or tell him all the important things that I’d have wanted to before he died.
Most of all I worry for Mum - they’d been together for 40 years and they were each other’s world. I don’t know how she will cope. I don’t know how I’ll cope.

@UncomfortableBadger you poor love....what a horrible and sudden shock for you and your family, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely Dad. How is your Mum? Does she have any other family support nearby? You must be reeling but please keep posting here, everyone is understanding and such a help.

A quick message... I've read the latest posts and am sending ALL of you my love, hugs, a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on should you ever want to.
🙏
Take care xxxx talk to them. And listen to them xxxx

Hi all, would it be okay if I joined this post also. When you feel so very lonely in the world of grief, it's sadly nice to have someone who can relate to you. No one else understands 😢 (not that I would wish this on anyone)

I lost my Dad unexpectedly also, on January the 2nd. Ever since I feel like I've not been here, not on this planet, if that makes any sense... like how can this happen? Disbelief. I just can't believe it. It's not real... my life isn't real.

I lost my grandad in August (my dads dad), which obviously was very sad, but this is a whole new level of grief. You don't expect to lose your father at 26 years old... pre marriage and a family of your own. My dad was 58, he had a heart attack 😭 god bless his soul, he had so much more to love for.

I have such a range of emotions. Guilt is the biggest. I've spent so long think about my own life, that I didn't think about my dad at all. We were close when I was a child (mum and dad split up when I was very young), dad continued to see me and took me out everywhere. Then, as I've got older we barely spoke. He was alone when it happened, as he never remarried or anything. I hate myself.

Sorry for the long post. Sending you all my love, what a cruel world we live in 😭😭💔

@UncomfortableBadger I'm so sorry. It's tragic when it's so sudden, your in utter disbelief it even happened. I'm also so sorry for your mum, I can't even imagine. how is she coping? I guess that's the plus side of my dad being single, just myself to worry about 😞 xx

Badger I'm in a similar boat to you . My Dad died on Wednesday .
And like you , with Covid and distance I hadn't seen them since August .
I spent a couple of weeks with them, trying to sort things - you know the running about , shopping with them, Why don't we get the 36 loo roll today rather than you lugging it home on the bus and Why don't we stock up the freeezer ?
He did his Essential Shopping in Aldi and small shops where they knew him and less hostile than the big supermarkets .
When he was taken to hospital (and Mum to respite) we were kept updated with phonecalls . Had some Skype calls but though he was able to hear us and we could see him, he was not responsive .

My Bro and SiL were able to see him when he was put on Palliative Care in his final couple of days , but only for an hour at a time due to Dad being Covid +

My parents are both 83 . Both Baptists .and life long Church attenders .
We'll have his funeral when we can organise it and my Dad has gone to his Afterlife .

It really hasn't sunk in yet , it's very strange that he's always been there no he isn't

Thank you @Brillig @Spiritwriter @rttcbabyno1
@70isaLimitNotaTarget

No, it doesn’t feel real yet. Partly because I haven’t been home yet. My brother is with Mum and Mum is convinced that they’ll have picked up Covid from waiting in the hospital for news. She’s begged me not to go home until they’ve each had 3 negative lateral flow tests on consecutive days (thankfully we’ve been able to procure some) as she says she can’t face anything happening to me.

Going to my parents’ home will be so hard though as it was my childhood home & he is so present everywhere in the house - his coat still hanging up, his shoes by the door, his shaving things in the bathroom, his favourite marmalade in the larder etc. All the memories from growing up there too. Being honest, I’m dreading it as I can suspend reality for a few moments while I’m here at home miles and miles away & pretend it’s not really happening.

Mum is absolutely broken. They only had each other - no family, just a handful of close friends, no work to focus on (retired). Just each other and my brother and I. They were my safety blanket - I could always go home to them and everything would be calm, safe and normal. That’s gone now.

We lost my mother-in-law 9 months ago (and my husband’s stepfather, beloved uncle and grandmother shortly before that) so we’ve already had enough grief in our house to last a century. This all feels so desperately unfair.

So so sorry @rttcbabyno1 you are so young like me I am 27 and lost my mum last year 6 weeks before I had my first baby, brutal.
Life is brutal so sorry you are all on this shit and awful journey @UncomfortableBadger @70isaLimitNotaTarget

@Spiritwriter Please will you try and send the poem you were talking about x

@mrssunshinexxx yes I will. As soon as we're dressed etc. I'm not yet! But I promise I will x

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. This is a heartbreaking yet really supportive thread.

I'm feeling very lonely and scared at the moment. My dad is in a hospice with only weeks left. Fucking cancer. It's heartbreaking seeing him deteriorate by the day and he is only in his mid fifties so it all seems incredibly unfair. He was in great health this time last year I just can't comprehend how it's happened so quickly and what life is going to be like from now on.

To make matters worse he's tested positive for covid in the hospice. Luckily they are still allowing visits but I'm very frightened that we will pick it up (especially my mum who isn't in the best health herself).

I feel drained and sad and petrified. My dp is good at practical support but isn't the most empathetic man. I have a young ds who is going to be hit very hard by this. And my poor mum will be broken. I just can't cope.

Gosh @DazedandConfused27 so so tough . Do you live locally ? How often are you visiting x
Sorry to hear about your husband I think often men aren't the best supports or atleast mine sadly wasn't initially but he is my rock now 9 months on we have figured it out and he knows what to say/ what not to say but in the beginning it was HARD x

@mrssunshinexxx thank you for replying, I feel really alone at the moment. I'm trying to keep strong for my mum and ds but it's not leaving me much room to look after myself. It still doesn't feel real.
The hospice is local and we are visiting daily. My mum has been staying overnight and doing a lot of his personal care. It's a tiny room, if she doesn't pick up covid I will be surprised. I am so grateful that we are being given the opportunity to have this time with him but I'm still terrified of one of us becoming ill too.

@DazedandConfused27 So sorry to hear that you’re going through this too. I never knew there were so many ways to be sad.

Please, if you’re able to, organise some quiet time alone with your Dad. Even if he’s not compos mentis, tell him everything that you’re grateful for, everything that you admire about him, everything that he means to you. I didn’t get the chance to do this as my Dad’s death was so sudden and unexpected; it’s tormenting me now. All the things I desperately want to tell him and I can’t.