Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

@Benhew I think me, you and @mrssunshinexxx have very similar stories. It's so difficult to deal with when it's sudden 😞 my Dad passed on the 2nd of Jan and he was 58 💔
Very sudden, unexpected and during the night (thankfully).
The funeral was on the 28th and organising that kept me busy and distracted since then. Shortly after the funeral I've now gone back to work (had 4 weeks off), I work from home but it feels a little soon still, my manager is pretty understanding thankfully.
Most of the time I'm okay but I have sudden outbursts of grief, especially when I look back at his pictures, he had his whole life ahead of him. I didn't tell him I loved him enough (like I could probably count on 1 hand how many times as I've got older) and it kills me.
There is no time limit of grief. There will be constant reminders throughout our life where it will really hit us hard, especially in the big moments. It's just trying to find ways of accepting it, although it seems impossible right now...
Someone mentioned about being numb thinking about life... that's me. I don't see it getting better either to be honest. Can't stop thinking about my poor dad, and all the times he will miss out on, and the fact I should have spent more time with him and told him I loved him. I hate myself for it.
Sorry for rambling, it helps sometimes.
Sending love to everyone x x

@AcrossthePond55 hey, sorry your having to deal with this too. Yes, hopefully you will find some comfort that your mum is now at peace from the dementia she was suffering with and is happy being reunited with your Dad. My Nanna has dementia and I know how difficult that can be.

Totally understand where your coming from about being a little girl. Your mum will always be your mum, and she hasn't always been the 98 year old lady you said goodbye to. You are also saying goodbye to the mum you knew when you were a little girl, and growing up and a child, teen, adult. I like looking back at old photos of my Dad and remembering him from when I was a little girl, so different to what he was like when he passed. Those are my favourite memories ❤️

@rttcbabyno1 you describe exactly how I feel, the not saying goodbye and not having told him how I love him and am grateful for everything eats away at me daily. I feel huge anxiety on a daily basis which I never did before, it really is life changing. Thank you for sharing your experience, everybody I speak to seems to suggest I need to be 'moving forward' now so I feel like being stuck here is becoming an issue but I think from reading others' experiences it is so individual. Take care xx

everybody I speak to seems to suggest I need to be 'moving forward' now so I feel like

It's nobody's place to tell you or suggest this. Grief is an individual thing.
There's no 'time' that you move on.

It can also depend on the nature of the relationship and circumstances of the death, but other people have no right to do this.

It's a month since my mum passed and I just miss her terribly. She's left such a void for me and so many and as mentioned by someone else, our family dynamic will never be the same again.

I feel like I've developed anxiety as well. I'm constantly jumpy at the slightest sound.

Can't stand people who suggest we should be coping better etc it's because grief makes people uncomfortable but lucky for us that isn't our problem it needs to be talked about more it affects us all in the end

I feel like friends and even my dp are sort of expecting me to come out of this at some point. I will get a certain period of grace but then I will be expected to be normal again. And I don't think I ever will.

I have been thinking about what happens when you die. I have always liked the thought of heaven and I tell dc that heaven exists mainly as a comfort to him. But do I believe it really? I'd like to think the soul goes somewhere but the rational part of me thinks it's probably just nothingness, like before you were born. And that's a very overwhelming thought.

Agree @DazedandConfused27 I think about it a lot. It sounds crazy but I've had this comforting feeling about magpies since mum died they just always seem to be there when I need her / when I'm extra sad it probably sounds crazy

DH has been supportive. He sees me cry at times and knows how sad I feel about losing mum. He says to let it all out, but it is early days for me.

A lot of the time I still find it hard to believe she's gone.😓

@Brillig yes that's pretty normal.
For years after my FiL died, I would find myself thinking,
"Must go and see him, for some reason we haven't gone to visit in a while"
and now, more than a year after losing Mum, I'm making jam for the first time ever, her wooden spoons sat in the kitchen in front of me and wondering what she'll tell me about it when I call (she was a fantastic cook).

For both of them I was there holding their hand when they died, organized the funeral, scattered the ashes/planted up the grave, really, I do know they're dead! but part of me clearly is just extremely slow on the uptake.

@DazedandConfused27 I like to think of people going back to Nature and becoming flowers, beetles, our molecules becoming all sorts of exciting new living beings. And also, that I'm half my Mum, half my Dad so in that very real sense part of them will always be with me.
I also liked Terry Pratchett's picture of Death as some otherworldly chauffeur picking people up for the afterlife - even though I'm pretty darn sure that's fiction, I found the thought comforting anyway.

@FluffyFluffyClouds yes, it's so weird. I keep getting a terrible urge to pick up the phone and ring her - I used to call her at least twice a day, when I wasn't with her (which I was, often). Part of me half-believes she'll answer it.....I too was holding her hand when she died but it doesn't seem to make much difference to the part of my subconscious that doesn't want to accept reality

@AcrossthePond55 I'm sorry to see you need to be here. I've always read your posts with great enjoyment. My mum was a similar age to yours (97, frail though completely with it mentally) but I still miss her terribly and I don't think I'll ever stop wishing she was here with me. As the district nurse said to me on her last day, 'you're her baby'. I don't think you ever lose that feeling of loss.

@Brillig Thank you for your thoughts. No, I don't think we ever do. My Dad's been gone for 21 years and there are still moments I think "I must tell Dad...." and I feel that sense of loss again. It's not as sharp, but it's still there.

@rttcbabyno1 Thank you for your thoughts, too. Yes, Mum and Dad are together again along with those who have gone before. Those of us who have wonderful memories of our parents are truly blessed

I can't sleep. I just keep thinking of my mum and the future without her. Covid has taken her and I'll never get over this being the reason. If not for covid, she would be here.

My heart actually hurts, it beats so fast and it's like nothing else I've had to deal with before in my life.

The feeling of intense sadness is deep inside me and losing such a loving, supportive, kind hearted mum leaves too big a space.

Knowing that our family as we knew it is gone, is heartbreaking. We're such a close knit family and never get tired of spending time together.

Now there will always be someone missing and I'm just praying my dad doesn't give up on life right now, because losing mum has knocked the stuffing out of him.

@Sisterlove no life won't ever be the same again and you're totally right it is so so painful. I wanted her til she was an old lady I wanted to care for her in old age. I wanted her to be a grandma to my children. We have all been robbed one way or another but covid is a total bastard

Oh @Sisterlove I feel for you. Covid in many ways feels like such an avoidable thing had it been managed better by the government and general public. When you are in such pain it's the most natural thing in the world to want to find blame and sadly there is blame to be attributed when it comes to covid.

I am struggling with the same sort of feelings that our family will never be the same. We are a tiny family anyway, I am an only child and the loss of my dad will be so incredibly noticeable. It hurts so badly. The funeral is next week and I'm dreading it all being over because then it will be time to face the new normal of life without him.

@DazedandConfused27

Covid in many ways feels like such an avoidable thing

I know anyway you lose someone you love hurts. The loss is the issue, but having this virus come from outside to inside her body ending fatally feels so unfair.

Putting the economy before lives has left so many families shattered.

@mrssunshinexxx

We have all been robbed one way or another but covid is a total bastard

We have been robbed and when you're close, like you and so many here, it feels awful.

Covid is an absolute bastard. It's haunting for me now.

Knowing my mum would want me to go on for my kids and be happy, is one thing that gives me hope.

This is really vague but I've just been scrolling back to find a message someone who had also lost their mum had posted it really struck a cord it said just how I feel and I want to use your words or tweak them for the vicar to read when we spread mums ashes. I have scrolled back twice but I can't find it it was quite long but I was wondering if anyone could help. You were describing your relationship and being such close friends too...

I've not been on for a while. Sorry to all those who have had to join this thread.

Just a thought as we get close to filling up the thread does @Mummylin want to start a new one?

I know you are a bit further down the line in the process but I for one would really like a new thread as its been really helpful

@Crunchymum I can do it if @Mummylin doesn't see this in time x

Is there anything else about it you can remember @mrssunshinexxx? It probably wasn't anything I said but if it was I'd be very happy for you to use it.

I wish I could remember more @Brillig I will have another look through tomorrow and see if I can spot it, thank you

Here is New Thread.
Here

Thank you Mummylin

Hi everyone.
I am so saddened by all your grief. I can feel it so much.
I too was wracked with it yesterday. Great, heaving, wheezing sobs. But I know now it's better to let all that flow and be as noisy as it needs to be.
Yes, no one has the right to comment on our loss and where we are at. I am getting pretty naffed with constant hypnotherapy links from a newly qualified friend. I need friendship, not hypnotherapy.
No one can understand this unless they 1. Have had the same close, loving relationship with their parent and 2. Suffered that loss. And also... The circumstances make a difference too.
I am not in a place today to go into mine, but I can send love.
And also... All those thoughts of feelings about life and the nature of it... Flow with that. It's OK to not know. Honestly, I talk with mum and ask her straight up, where are you?
I am done, utterly done, with doubting any messages. I absolutely believe and have faith. And it is not to simply 'make myself feel better' as some so patronisingly put it.
Those birds, those feelings, those sensations, those weird little 'coincidences'.... I absolutely believe they are communication.
Without one shadow of a doubt. I have questioned and doubted enough, enough to be comfortable now with my faith. After all... I can question myself, God, goddess, souls, etc, but to doubt my mum? No. Not going to start now. When she speaks, I listen.
🙏

Do you mind if I join? My mum passed away this morning.