Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

I had an utter "freight train of grief" moment last night. After a few weeks of bobbing along I had a bit of a melt down last night.

It actually started with the cat (I am sure I mentioned having to get our 12yo girl PTS just the week before mum's sudden death) which I had not really processed at all as obviously mum overshadowed that. I was cuddling my new kitten in bed and I just felt so soul achingly sad and upset. First about my little cat and then all that followed.... God it was a shit time [still is I suppose!!]

Maybe I just needed a good cry??

Hi

I lost my mum a few days ago, I'm very lost and don't know what to do. I'm trying to keep busy but I miss my mum so much

@Crunchymum I think a good cry always helps it just doesn't feel like it at the time. I stupidly go looking for stuff to make me sad so started watching my wedding dvd yesterday and wow I can't explain the feelings of actually seeing her alive , happy.. moving. Hideous

@herechickchickchickchick so sorry this is brand new for you this is a welcoming space and everyone understands each other's pain x

May I ask if you were expecting it @herechickchickchickchick

@mrssunshinexxx

Thank you, no she was only 64, complications due to covid. She was a nanny to my daughter who's just turning 2, has my dad and my sister.

I'm just being busy but I don't know what to expect as I've never lost anyone before

No age at all my mum died in April from a bleed on the brain so sudden she was 63 sadly missed meeting my daughter by 6 weeks it's the hardest thing I hope I ever go through. Life is so unfair that must be crushing I bet she had the most beautiful bond with your daughter. How is your daughter does she understand x

@mrssunshinexxx

No age at all my mum died in April from a bleed on the brain so sudden she was 63 sadly missed meeting my daughter by 6 weeks it's the hardest thing I hope I ever go through. Life is so unfair that must be crushing I bet she had the most beautiful bond with your daughter. How is your daughter does she understand x

I'm so sorry for your loss too. It's the ultimate stab in the heart.

My daughter is 2 this weekend. She was shouting for nanny tonight and asking "where are you" and going "nanny look" whilst making faces

I broke

@herechickchickchickchick totally heartbreaking

I've just found this thread and need somewhere to blurt out a stream of consciousness. My mum died on 13 January of metastatic breast cancer at the age of 53. She had only been told there was nothing they could do on 5 January and we couldn't have imagined it would be so quick. She died at home after having been in pain for a short time in the night. I'm so glad the pain didn't last long.

We didn't send my daughter back to nursery after Christmas so we could essentially shield as best we could and visit as often as possible. We went back at the weekend and the last thing I said to Mum was that I'd see her this weekend. I'm so cross with myself because I'm 17 weeks' pregnant and I'd meant to take my scan photos with me, so she never got to see them. I have no idea how to have this baby without my mum around. I don't particularly want it at the moment at all, and feel like it would be better if something happened to it. I'm barely managing with the toddler let alone with another on the way.

I'm not sleeping. I feel lost. I'm the oldest of 4 and I don't feel like I'm stepping up enough as the big sister to look after my brothers. I just don't feel capable. My middle brother is living at home right now, so he was with her the night before she died, as she was deteriorating and he is in absolute pieces. And I don't know what to do.

My parents were together for over 35 years. My dad is absolutely broken, and I feel like I've abandoned him as well by coming home tonight.

@WomanFormerlyKnownAsKarateGirl wow your post resonated with me so much. I was 33 weeks pregnant with my first last April when my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly at 63. I had the same thoughts as you how could I be a mum without mine , well she came along and saved my life she saved me from going down a horrible road. Don't get me wrong I am grieving every minute of the day still cry multiple times have lost relationships with friends and family but she is my light in the darkness. Yours will be too, your children will keep you going.
Just because you at the oldest it does not mean you have to carry the burden of looking after everyone. All 4 of you and your dad will end up grieving differently I'm sure. Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up about a thing. If you were a good daughter and your mum knew you loved her that's more than enough

So much sadness but also so much strength.

@WomanFormerlyKnownAsKarateGirl please be kind to yourself and take each hour at a time. What your mum would want is for you to look after yourself and your unborn baby.

I am the oldest of 4 too and when our mum died I just didn't have it in me to look after any of my siblings (thankfully we are all older and have partners and kids etc..) but I felt such guilt for that.

I am a bit further down the line (17 weeks tomorrow, just had to count) and I know everyone says it but it does get more bearable. Unfortunately you just have to "live it" until it does.

Your mum would have passed knowing she has a beautiful granddaughter, and another precious little baby on the way!! I think your feelings are totally normal and I'm sure in time you'll feel more connected to the baby. At the moment you'll be in shock. Take it easy xxx

@herechickchickchickchick

I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly in September. She was just 65. No age at all these days. I expected to have many, many more years with her.
Be kind to yourself and give your little girl lots of hugs xxx

Please can I join? My dad is in a hospice after his cancer rapidly spread. We've been told weeks. He's only in his fifties. I'm devastated and feel like life will be so empty without him.

@mrssunshinexxx @Crunchymum thank you for your messages. It all feels so surreal still. I think part of it is that no one in my direct friendship group has lost a parent (in our early 30s) and so it just doesn't feel like the sort of thing which should be happening. I'm trying to work out whether or not to go and view Mum's body on Wednesday. On the one hand, I don't have a huge urge to go, but on the other I don't want to regret not doing it down the line.

@Susiepants I'm so sorry about your dad. My mum was told there was nothing more they could do on the 6th January, and she didn't want to know how long she had. She died on the 13th, aged 53. I'm so glad that we went to visit on the weekend between, those couple of days were so precious. We had planned to visit regularly, and couldn't have imagined that would be it. One thing we did was to video Mum reading my daughter some stories. I've not been able to look at the videos yet, but knowing we have them provides a little comfort.

I've name changed since I last posted here - I was awwkkwwaard.

Mum passed away last Sunday night - she did finally get her wish and went in her sleep, albeit a rather drugged sleep. Her last few days were traumatic though, don't want to post too much here as it may distress others but she just really wanted to go.

A few days before she went a friend said that sometimes when they are distressed and you talk to them give them 'permission' to go, tell her you'll be ok and that you'll make sure you look after dad, kind of thing. I did that on the Friday and she did calm down a bit after that - or perhaps it was my imagination. I do hope her mum came for her - she had mentioned this happening before when she was on the operating table so I well believe it - she was the most down to earth person ever and not prone to weird imaginings.

I had the week off work and my dad - who is an 'organiser' - went into full 'sort it' mode and we did everything paperwork wise. it was very therapeutic and kept us busy. Now I'm back at work and struggling.

Funeral is next week and I am grateful it is only family - I don't think I will cope well. Why is it so hard when you knew it was coming and it is, really, a blessed relief for her?

Sorry for the long post!

@WomanFormerlyKnownAsKarateGirl that video is a beautiful idea but must of been so hard. I stupidly stated watching my wedding dvd last week and the physical pain of seeing her alive and moving had me on the floor sobbing it really is hideous how much you can miss someone and I know this will never go away.
I visited my mum my dad kind of pushed me too which I resented at the time it was the hardest thing I will ever have to do m sure but I'm glad I saw her as with covid I hadn't seen her for 5 weeks but she did look different 💔

So sorry @yesyoudoknowme @Susiepants that you are on this horrible journey too

That sounds very distressing @yesyoudoknowme

yesyoudoknowme I'm so sorry your mum's last days were traumatic. It sounds as though we're in similar boats - my mum was in hospital for a couple of weeks and although through much persistence we did manage to get her home at the end, they told us she would die that day. In fact they half-expected her not to survive the ambulance journey back to the house, and I had to sign paperwork in advance about where her body would go if this happened.

But she had so longed to come home and once she was back she revived miraculously for a day. We hadn't been able to communicate with her much in hospital, or visit because of Covid, and to my horror she asked us what had happened to her - it turned out that she didn't understand why she was there and nobody had explained (she had collapsed and been rushed in by ambulance). I feel this will haunt me forever, that on the few occasions I did manage to speak to her on the phone while she was there, I didn't realise that she was bewildered and probably scared.

I tried to reassure her, that we loved her, and she knew she was back home and wasn't going anywhere else, but she died two days later. I think she made one last massive effort to rally round because she was so glad to be home, but it was too late by then. I honestly think that if she'd been discharged from hospital a few days earlier she might still be alive. I think she'd just given up, really, and thought we'd abandoned her there.

Sorry. I spent days and weeks tearing myself apart over this and while I've largely stopped doing it consciously, the thoughts and guilt are still there just under the surface.

@Brillig that's so sad, I can promise you your lovely mum will not of thought you abandoned her it sounds as though she wouldn't of really known what was going on try to think she was just asleep most of the time therefore not scared
It's so hard not to beat ourselves up with the what ifs I often think if I had been with mum that day I wouldn of bundled her in the back of the car and drove like a mad man to hospital I wouldn't of waited for an ambulance with her deteriorating that fast

Thank you for the support @mrssunshinexxx

The 'what ifs' are all so hard, so very hard. In some ways - and this is a terrible thing to say, I know - I almost feel I could cope better if mum had gone when she initially collapsed and I called 999 for her...I thought she'd died. It was so quick. But suddenly she started breathing again and they rushed her off to hospital. We had almost 3 weeks more of her being ill and frightened and alone in hospital with Covid ramping up and the family all being desperate, unable to visit or speak to her properly.

Then she came home and died anyway. It felt as though she'd died twice, if that makes sense.

@Brillig that sounds incredibly tough and yes that makes total sense. My mum was fit and healthy and she was texting me at 2pm then by 6pm she was in hospital fighting for her life and 6am the next morning she died after a hard battle over night. I know lots of people say this but if I had to make a bet on someone who would of come back from a stroke I would of bet my house and everything I own on her she was as strong as an ox and had suffered so much sadness and loss in her life she didn't deserve this. Tears streaming down my face just typing this when does it get a little easier.
Every time my baby does something new or I take a cute picture I want to send it to her it kills me every time I realise she's gone I think my brain plays tricks on me most of the time I try and pretend she's just away or something

It's so hard to deal with @mrssunshinexxx, I'm so sorry once again. Your pain is palpable. I'm glad you have your little baby, though, that must and will be such a comfort to you despite missing your mum so badly.

I'm trying to adjust to accepting that mum just didn't have the reserves to fight being so unwell. A couple of years ago she might have done, but she'd been getting gradually more and more frail.

It hurts doesn't it @Brillig they are out queens

It's 4 months today since mum died. A third of a year that I've lived without her.

Feels like a moment and a lifetime all at once? I feel oddly stoic about it at the moment.

It's my middle child's birthday today so I'm focusing on that, but the 21st of any month is always going to be one of those dates that stands out.

Was my youngests birthday on Monday (poor January children!!) and I felt worse then. My youngest is disabled and was in neonatal etc and I always feel extra emotional on her birthday anyway but not having mum to galvanise me and tell me "look how far she has come", "we are all so proud of her" and all the other lovely and supportive things she used to say, really hit me on Monday.

Was worried for a while that I'd stopped missing and needing my mum, but I haven't.

@Crunchymum grief is so odd isn't it
You sound a wonderful mum just like yours was too.
Grief plays tricks on us I keep struggling the think what her voice was like but then I listen to a video and it sounds so so familiar like she is on the other end of the phone, if only
I hate this so much I need her

@mrssunshinexxx sending you such big, big hugs.
@brillig big hugs to you too
I don't know why, but I feel a similarity with you both.
I've been a bit awol. Please do tag me if you want to talk.
Sending love and strength.
I read a book the other week that my mum LOVED. The Shack. She wouldn't say anything, other than 'you have to read it!'
And mum always told the full story of what she was reading 😂 not this time though. Too special to spoil. And... She absolutely believed in God. More so after reading this.
I absolutely, absolutely believe that we are not done when are bodies are done.
That doesn't stop me feeling horrible painful grief. But... The moments mum comes to me, and my belief... Help. Enormously.
I know this may not help at all, but I have to share it with you as I can feel your pain. And today is a better day for me, so I can send you some strength.
I think the trauma of the illness can be so dreadful, that we need to wrap our heads around that. Not easy, and certainly not pleasant.
Big, big hugs x