Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

NYE is approaching and I know for me it is going to be incredibly difficult. As much as I want this awful year to be over I am sad to see the back of the last year my mum was alive. My mum will not physically exist in 2021 and I find that thought so upsetting.

I guess I just need to work on my mindset.

@Crunchymum couldn't agree more💔

Dreading Friday and no phone call from my Dad to wish me a happy new year. He loved NYE and when I was growing up there was always a party at their house - the whole village would be there until the early hours. I’ve been ok over Christmas, managed to keep occupied and not think too much about him but even thinking about NYE I am filling up.

Well sat here crying feeding my little baby feeling so guilty like I'm leaving my mum behind in 2021. The first year I will of lived without her. Hurts so so much.: sometimes (most of the time ) I am so bitter of everyone's lives who haven't been affected by grief it is so painful
I hope in 2021 perhaps the pAin eases ever so slightly for us all. X

@Crunchymum @mrssunshinexxx

I feel exactly the same today, it feels almost unbelievable that she isn’t here in 2021. This year will hold horrible anniversaries and memories which I am dreading, the call to the ambulance, the last time we ever spoke, the days we spent in hospital wishing she would wake up and then finally saying goodbye. It feels massively traumatic.

I have seen peoples social media throwbacks for this year and I am envious over their lives.

Happy New Year to you all. As sad as it is to enter another year without our beloved parents, I do hope everyone is as good as can be.

It wasn't too bad for me in the end (I think a lot of wine helped ) but overall the whole festive period has been rubbish and I am in some ways thankful we are tier 4 / had one of the kids self isolating because I don't think I'd have had it in me to be around anyone other than DP and the kids. I just couldn't lift myself.

I am certain I'll cope better next year though as Christmas and NY was my mum's favourite time of year and she always made it special for us. So I'll honour her traditions and I'll channel her passion.

My dad had a party for one last night, bless him. He has had to face such loneliness and isolation recently and I'm massively proud of his resilience and his positivity despite losing his wife of 42 years. The day after mum died I was worried I'd never see him smile again but luckily him and my mum are / were silly old goats!! There has been a lot of "gallows" humour of late.

Am glad of a bit of respite now. We've already done so many "firsts" and she has only been dead for 3 months.

I've noticed I've stopped counting in weeks now? I think Monday will make it 14 weeks?

Although I do know 4 months will fall on DC2 birthday

@Glitterb I am so envious of anyone that doesn't have to live with grief for the rest of there lives. It hurts so much.

I have a lot of picture of her in the house and I often have a quick look when getting a plate out of my dresser and I find my brain doesn't let on always that's she's dead I just think 'oh nice pic or oh that's when we went here type thing. If I look at it for a second too long I'm in hysterics at the sheer reality that she's gone forever I will never see her or be with her again. She is not here to be my mum or grandma to my children it's so fucking unfair.

@Crunchymum I don't know if this is a coping mechanism or what but I've stopped taking much notice of the weeks too I just know it's just over 8 months ago. Feels like yesterday

I too struggled with the start of 2021 last night/this morning. Just the thought of a year without mum in it and it also marking our first week today without her here.
We managed to register her death yesterday; the registrar was so lovely and let us do it on a conference call (3 sisters) so we all felt involved. We named a funeral home and have a call with them on Monday to discuss our/mums wishes. So that’s the practical stuff.

We initially got told I couldn’t go to see mum because her death was a direct result of covid pneumonia. I’ve really raged and felt grief over this and over how it’s taken her life and her death. Thankfully, the bereavement officer rang yesterday to say I can go and I am going on Tuesday to see her. I just wanted the choice/the option.

Much love and thoughts to you all as we enter this new year xx

Do you think you will go see her? Will you go with your sisters? @wlv12

I’m in the same place, Dad died from Covid pneumonia last April. A few days ago I would have written in April.

I’m so glad I have the memory of going to see him at the funeral directors wlv12 I think it would have been even more of a struggle if I hadn’t. I had to really fight for it at the time.

No New Year’s phone call was hard.

@mrssunshinexxx

Do you think you will go see her? Will you go with your sisters? *@wlv12*

We aren’t allowed to go together due to covid restrictions but I’m allowed to go with my husband; and he is likely to come with me as I feel like I’ll need support

@StartingOver2020

I’m in the same place, Dad died from Covid pneumonia last April. A few days ago I would have written in April.

I’m so glad I have the memory of going to see him at the funeral directors wlv12 I think it would have been even more of a struggle if I hadn’t. I had to really fight for it at the time.

No New Year’s phone call was hard.

That no news years phone call is so hard .

The funeral directors insist that they need to close the coffin on mums arrival so while we can see the coffin, it can’t be open due to covid.

The hospital have agreed - after having a meeting to discuss! - that I can see her in the mortuary. It just feels like covid has taken so much, her life and her death.

@wlv12 glad you can take your husband
Going to the chapel of rest was the hardest thing I have ever or will ever do I hope. I think in time I will be glad I went

Love to all. Colleagues of mine (I was working last week) all did the usual happy new year stuff and I mechanically replied in kind while mentally wondering what was so great about it. I’m not a big one for New Year anyway but this time especially so without Mum. Still missing her terribly.

To everyone visiting chapels of rest, I hope it isn’t too upsetting. DSis and I decided we didn’t need to visit mum as we’d been with her when she died (though we could have done, as she didn’t have Covid).

Years ago I did go to see my dad in the hospital after he died (I was too late to be with him, I live far away and didn’t get there in time). It was a desperately hard thing to do but I felt so relieved and glad to have done it.

I too decided not to see my mum at the Chapel of Rest.

I missed her actual death by about 15 minutes (my dad and sister were with her the whole time. Me and my 2 brothers arrived afterwards) but we did get to spend several hours with her body as she died at home.

It was so surreal, she was in the middle of the family living room covered by the brightest red blanket with just her head, shoulders and hands showing. We took turns to sit with her and hold her hand. We all got to kiss her and stroke her hair and talk to her. At some points we were all sat around her body (way the living room is configured) talking and even managing the odd laugh about something. I think we had about 4 hours before undertakers came.

It was precious time and I'm so thankful for it. I like to think it gave mum some comfort and peace to see us all together with her but without her.

Post mortem took a good few weeks so her body didn't get to our local undertakers until she had been gone for almost 3 weeks and there is no way I'd have wanted to see her then. My dad and sister did though.

Crunchy my dad died at home too, in the living room so we got to kiss him good bye. We got through NY and Christmas and it was okay. My DM also had a party for one and made her favourite food.

The next big hurdle for us is what would have been their diamond wedding in March. They managed 59 years and 4 months. I know DM will find it very hard. In normal circumstances I think I would have taken her for a few days away but clearly that can’t happen now.

My mum was freezing cold , so cold . I'll never forget how cold or face. Just hysterical even thinking about it
I hate this pain

What an achievement @BestIsWest and how lovely that your parents got to spend so many wonderful years together.

I appreciate that it will be hard but I hope your mum can hold onto that.

I know Crunch, she keeps saying how lucky they were but that she doesn’t want it to be over which breaks my heart. But yes, they were very lucky to be so happy.

@mrssunshinexxx

My mum was freezing cold , so cold . I'll never forget how cold or face. Just hysterical even thinking about it I hate this pain

Oh Mrssunshine - my heart goes out to you xx

Thank you for everyone sharing your stories of being with your parent or seeing them after their death.

I am going tomorrow, I don’t really know what to expect or what to feel. I think it will be an emotional day. I’m dreading it but also this is the day I’d longed for, the day I’d get to see her.

Today we booked her funeral for the 20th Jan and arranged everything, the coffin, the hearse. We went for horse drawn. It all feels so surreal.

Last night I had an argument with my dad ... negative relationship there anyway, they were divorced, domestic violence etc. He started moaning about her habits and mannerisms so I asked him to stop and apparently I’m over reacting and too emotional and should be ‘coping better’. I just don’t know how to process that.

wlv12 I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope you find some peace seeing your Mum.
Since my Dad died, a week ago now I have the most terrible insomnia. Tomorrow at 9 I start trying to get my daughter to do her online learning, she has asd and any home learning is a battle. Is it common to have insomnia? I find the day so challenging as I am busy being mum, daughter, sister. ..I dont feel I have any head space to come to terms with losing Dad. Maybe that's why I cant sleep.

@PhoenixIsFlying yes I had it awful for weeks and was heavily pregnant so really needed sleep it's the bodies way of acknowledging what's happened and like you say if so busy through the day at night is when your head catches up x

@wlv12 tell him to fuck off ! How dare he talk negatively about her to you. She is your mum. I'm so sorry you have that crap to deal with
I can't cope with my dad moving on after 6 months so I've basically cut him out

I found I didn't sleep properly for a long time. I'm not really back to 'normal' now, 3 months later - I find it hard to switch my brain off. So @PhoenixIsFlying please be assured that it's totally normal, though obviously very frustrating. Just try to get any sleep you can because you need it.

@wlv12 I'm sorry to hear about your father's behaviour - that's unacceptable. I hope you're able to see that you have nothing to reproach yourself over; you don't need to listen to any criticisms of how you cope. The focus should be on your mum and your processing of her loss, however that needs to happen. I hope today's visit helps you