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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 06/04/2020 11:59

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

OP posts:
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10
Crunchymum · 09/12/2020 11:42

@furryer

I too am lacking in Christmas spirit this year, which annoys me as my Mum was "Mrs Xmas" so I feel bad for not making an effort. It isn't just losing her that makes me feel lacklustre, it is life in general. Grief in a pandemic is just so bloody hard.

My mum actually lost her dad very close to December 2001 but she never lost her love of the festive period. That first year was a struggle for her of course. I don't know how she did it year in year out after that though and wish I could garner some of that spirit.

I am worried I am going to spend Christmas day in tears -"big days" are really difficult for me at the moment.

Spiritwriter · 09/12/2020 13:29

Hi all,
I haven't been in for a while. It is so upsetting to read all your stories. Sometines too much so. I'm sorry. I think of you all, and know some of you a little better... I am sorry for all the new additions to this group. So sorry.
I have had a dreadful weekend. Yes... Christmas... Ugh. I am just grateful that I don't have to open up the house to anyone else to come in when I feel like it should be my mum.
The day the children put up the decorations, I couldn't bear it. Went to my folks house and cried while my dad hugged me and listened.
The next couple of days were lighter after the darkness. Don't know why.
I keep butting horns with my husband too, which is very upsetting.
I guess we all know we are not alone. We're all in this together.

mrssunshinexxx · 09/12/2020 18:49

Oh @Spiritwriter it hurts so much doesn't it. I was wondering where you were, don't be a stranger but I understand it's hard to read when having a particularly hard time.

I was awake 1am til 3.30am this morning just crying under the duvet so I didn't wake the baby. I find myself on social media down rabbit holes not necessarily always my mum I think it must be a grief thing i tend to follow people who have lose their husbands young etc or lost babies to cancer I guess I'm feeling very bitter at the world and just don't understand what it's all about ?

I know everyone says this but I honestly , genuinely cannot get my head around the fact she has really gone forever

Spiritwriter · 09/12/2020 18:59

@mrssunshinexxx
I think about you and wonder how you are. I won't be a stranger. I don't always remember to check in either, and so yiu can always tag me and I'll come in as then I get an email notification.
It sounds like you are really struggling 😢 and those social media rabbit holes I find make me feel worse. I don't know if yiu have a faith, but I find breathing mindfully and invoking/calling on mum to help. As much as it can, you know. I still have moments of stunned emotion.
I also find reminding myself of the immortality of all to help. It wasn't just something that happened to mum. You know?
I also remind myself that how I mother makes a difference. That my mum lives through me. Interacts with my children through me. I know it may not sound like a consolation. It sort of isn't. Just ways I cope.
But... It is hard. And I am sending you hugs.

dementedma · 11/12/2020 13:14

Dad passed this morning after a long night

Spiritwriter · 11/12/2020 13:44

@dementedma
I am so sorry. I am so sorry that this has been such a long and difficult process. I hope your dad passed peacefully and that in time you will feel some peace from that. May your dad journey freely now and may you feel enveloped in his eternal love.

Brillig · 11/12/2020 14:06

@dementedma I am sending you a virtual hug and all the support in the world.

dementedma · 11/12/2020 14:09

Thank you. Relieved its over and I was there for the end

Original poster
Mummylin · 11/12/2020 15:12

So sorry demented hope you are as ok as it's possible to be at this sad time.💐

OP posts:
FluffyFluffyClouds · 11/12/2020 16:59

@dementedma Hugs and Brew. Glad you could keep him company during these last few days. No more distress for him now.

@awwkkwwaard hopefully you being there holding her hand will provide some comfort. Is the local palliative care/end of life team helping her? You are a little bit older than me but not a huge amount. A GP friend once told me, "parents are supposed to go before children" and I found that rather blunt statement curiously comforting - ideally we do our best to see them through their last illness to repay them for all they did for us over our lives. Has your Dad got friends or neighbours who could chat to him? It might be easier for him talking to someone who's not also (which you are) losing one of the people they love most.

RosewoodBox · 11/12/2020 17:03

@dementedma sending a hug. I sat with my mum throughout her last few days, popped home for a shower and clean clothes - she passed away when I was driving back to her. Missed her passing by half an hour.

mrssunshinexxx · 11/12/2020 19:40

Thank you for your lovely message @Spiritwriter I am definitely struggling by my little baby is a great distraction and keeps me busy and getting up and out everyday.
I don't have a faith, I don't think. I used to believe in afterlife but when mum died that changed
Although I do hope so much I'll see her again I'm just not sure if I think that purely for comfort.

@dementedma so sorry I can't imagine how you are feeling.. probably all the emotions and completely exhausted. I think it's perfect you have been with him and I really believe he will of known x

mrssunshinexxx · 11/12/2020 19:41

@RosewoodBox that is so so difficult, was anyone else with her? X

RosewoodBox · 11/12/2020 19:43

@mrssunshinexxx my brother was with her. He flew home from overseas when we got the call to say she was really unwell. I was the one who'd looked after her for the last ten years....I know it sounds really horrible, did she wait for Golden Boy? I feel awful I wasn't there.

mrssunshinexxx · 11/12/2020 21:25

@RosewoodBox no how you feel or similarly. My dad got the call to say he could go to hospital but by this point we knew it's because she wasn't going to make it. And he rang my sister that had been no contact and awful to mum for the last 4 years she was the one that got to speak to her whilst she was still alive but not conscious and I'm so jealous I always wonder maybe if she had heard me she might of woke up and pulled through. I know she wouldn't but the mind plays cruel tricks doesn't it.

Crunchymum · 12/12/2020 13:42

Sorry for your loss @dementedma

I know clichés and trite sayings bring little comfort but I'm glad your dad has found his peace Flowers

dementedma · 12/12/2020 17:00

Thank you all. Yes. It is a relief and a blessing for him. Now got to try and sort out a cremation with both Christmas and Covid to contend with.

madnessitellyou · 13/12/2020 15:47

So sorry @dementedma Flowers

I'm feeling as if I need to be over this now. Dh hasn't asked how I'm feeling for weeks. I'm feeling angry and I can't figure out why and horribly anxious. I don't want to do Christmas. I don't want to do anything.

Crunchymum · 13/12/2020 17:06

I've had the Christmas tree since Friday and it's still not decorated it. I just don't care to dress it (I did one upstairs when I was feeling slightly less Grinch like last weekend so the kids aren't totally deprived).

All the Christmas planning and sorting - which I usually love - is like walking through treacle.

I don't want to have Christmas without my mum.

FluffyFluffyClouds · 13/12/2020 17:10

@madnessitellyou you don't have to.

Gift vouchers for presents, book a meal out for Xmas day (or buy in "instant food"), FB post saying you're doing a charity donation instead of cards this year, brief whoever you live with so (if they're that keen) they can put up the tree etc (if it's not that much to do THEN THEY CAN DO IT THEMSELVES).
Ok sorted.

Then go out for a walk somewhere. Even for 15 minutes at lunch. Even if you have to drive to go to a park or river.
Walk off the grief and anger and upset. Feed the ducks. Sit on a bench with a coffee and stare into space.
Borrow someone's dog or cat for a cuddle if you've not got your own.

My Mum died just over a year ago and it turns out there's a lot you can just ... not do ... while you're adjusting to everything.

As long as the taxes & bills are all paid ...

mrssunshinexxx · 13/12/2020 17:16

Me neither @Crunchymum I won't be any sadder than on the 24th or 26th, same with any anniversary but anniversaries and special days are just ... different now.

Brillig · 14/12/2020 13:55

We’re not really doing Christmas either. It’s just me and DH anyway, my DSis and her family are a long way away and we couldn’t have seen them anyway. I’m afraid I’ve told them I’m not buying presents as I just can’t face it.

My DM loved Christmas so much, and we had lots of silly little traditions between the two of us. We used to watch classic Christmas B&W films on the telly while I wrapped presents, and drink Irish coffee. She was housebound but loved to direct operations, so made lists for me to do all the Christmas shopping and get all the special food that she liked to have in. All the things we used to do since us kids were little - red apples, nuts, tangerines, holly. DH and I spent Christmas at her house every year and we’d have been going there next week. The rest of the family came on the 25th and I cooked the dinner and made the Christmas cake.

Right now I’m sitting on a bench in the park near my house feeling utterly empty and bereft that that all that has gone forever. I miss her so much.

mrssunshinexxx · 14/12/2020 14:23

Felt every word of that @Brillig
I am so grateful for this thread. To speak to people who actually understand this pain.
My mum wasn't really into Christmas she loved the roast dinner and adult games but she hated the over buying presents and all the tat and I am exactly the same.
We haven't got a tree this year and it will just be the 3 of us and that's what I want
Luckily baby girl won't know anything this year and next year I will make it more special for her x

Brillig · 14/12/2020 14:48

It’s good that you can choose and make your own traditions for your little girl, mrssunshine . And she will come to treasure them, I’m sure.

I keep thinking of my DM when she was young and full of life and energy and kept the family going, really. She never stopped. DF was quite a difficult person, moody and didn’t help out round the house so it was all down to her.

She made it so special and Christmas was magical to me as a child. How hard DM worked for us all, and what thanks did she really get? We took it for granted that she’d do all those things.

That’s why I wanted to be there for her in her later years, I suppose. I owed her so much 💔

Brillig · 14/12/2020 14:49

Sorry. I’m having a difficult few days again.