Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Sorry to hear about your Dad @dementedma

It must be incredibly painful for you to see this. I hope he finds his peace soon. Please take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it make sure you eat and drink and rest. Sending you strength

@HarrietteNightingale sorry to hear about your dad.
My 65 year old mum died very suddenly 11 weeks ago and yes due to Covid things did take a while. It was a difficult limbo to be in. As much as we all dreaded the funeral, I have felt "better" since (better isn't the right word of course!)

Thank you, @Crunchymum I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm wondering if I can join the thread I'm so sorry I haven't been able to read all of it :( but to all going through a hard time.

My mum just called to say my dad who is in hospital and by all accounts seemed to be getting better is now not going to make it.

My dad is "old enough" to go but I'm in my twenties and I just don't feel ready.

Hello everyone. I am so sorry to see so many new people joining our thread. But once again it is heartening to see the support that you all give to each other. demented I have seen you many times on the boards over the years, I am sorry to see you hear. I hope your dear dad will soon be at peace.
For everyone mourning a loss from this year , it is now coming up to the time of the year when we can miss our loved ones more intensely than ever. To help myself I have found that by putting up a previous Christmas card ( if you have kept one ) gives me a bit of comfort , looking at that card that says " to my daughter " it may help one of you.
As if all of you that are grieving haven't had enough to. Cope with, there has been all the worry and uncertainty about schools, nurseries and lots of different things which have all been so stressful.
Since I lost my mum, the pain and upset has mostly gone apart from special events like birthdays etc, but I would just like to say to you all, you may feel at the moment that you will never be happy again, I would like to say that in time you will. You of course won't forget , but you will accept and carry on with your life, a different life , but you will all smile again.
I don't post much these days as you all pretty much help yourselves, but I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all peace and strength for the coming weeks, and all the best for 2021.💐

cloudyVanilla. So sorry to see your sad news. Of course you can post here, the thread is here for everyone who needs support .
It seems very young for you to lose your dad, hope you have good RL support over the coming weeks. Please post if you need advice or help, or just a shoulder, someone will always answer you. 💐

Heartfelt thanks for this thread op.
Lost my dad three years ago and my mum 2 years ago.
I think of them all the time and this thread quite often for the help it was in those bewildering days. I had so much support here and gave it to as we stumbled through.
Support to everyone then and now helping each other.

I hope I can join this thread as although not a parent to me, my FIL passed away on Saturday evening. He was 86 and had been in and out of hospital a fair bit since July. He was readmitted 2 wks ago after a heart attack and shortly afterwards suffered 2 strokes, followed by a 2nd heart attack about a week later. He declined quickly from Thursday and following a visit from DH’s brother (the only visit he was allowed this whole time) he passed alone. We accepted this was coming and even start grieving in a way, but we can’t get over the length of time he was alone in hospital and the fact he was alone when he died is very upsetting. DH was unable to visit even at the end because he has had to isolate after a child in his class tested positive for COVID. Our only hope is that it was peaceful but we will never know as he was alone

life it is very very sad the amount of people who have had to be alone at the time of their death, very upsetting for the rest of the family. I would like to think that maybe a member of the nursing team would of been with your FIL.
The situation in the world is has been and still is terrible and has been deeply upsetting for many people. But I suppose we can only hope that the future is now looking better and many people may be spared this ordeal.
It seems almost barbaric that mums and dads have had to end their time here alone. I am sorry your family and your FIL had to cope with this.💐

Thank you @Mummylin he was alone when he died we know that as nurse went to check on him and he had passed. It adds a horrible layer to death of a parent to think they were alone and for the ‘child’ not to be there and to at least feel you offered comfort to the parent

@Mummylin thank you for your kind words.

Right now I'm still kind of numb bur I am scared of the practicalities. Apparently they are moving him to a hospital bed at my mums house. I don't know the ins and outs of why, I think it is just so his family can come and visit or I guess because there is nothing else they can do in hospital?
It sounds selfish but I'm so scared of seeing him. Apparently he is not very coherent. I feel sick that the last time I see him he will be in this state. Also I don't know how they have even determined that they have time to get him home. It's all such a bundle of worry for me right now.

@CloudyVanilla really sorry for you.
I lost my mum in April when I was 27 I still feel like a child even though I had my first baby 6 weeks after she died , I need her so much. X

@mrssunshinexxx thank you and I'm so sorry you lost her

I am with my mum now, he passed away in the early hours of the morning. I thought he had a few days left and was supposed to be coming home in a hospital bed so we could at least say goodbye but he didn't make it that far.

I feel numb but also so bitter and sad that I never got to say goodbye :(

Oh bless you @CloudyVanilla I am sorry your Dad didn't make it home, I know that will make things even harder for you and your mum (as I know in an "ideal world" we'd all like to have our losses go a certain way for our own peace of mind and comfort)

What you need to concentrate on is the fact your Dad has a whole lifetime of love and memories and whilst you didn't get to say goodbye in the way you hoped, you still have your memories and your happy times.

Death is so shit, it rarely happens so us left behind feel at peace. All we are left with is shock and grief and anger and disbelief and guilt. And such utter sadness. Those feelings are normal and they do shift in their intensity.

Be kind to yourself xxx

@Crunchymum I can't tell you how much your words mean and how much they have resonated with me.

This is my first experience of the death of someone close to me and it all feels so surrel.

You are totally right though that he was my dad, he was with me literally my whole life and that isn't erased by the fact I wasn't there in the end.

I just wish I could know what he was thinking and that I wish he wasn't alone.

So sorry it happened that way @CloudyVanilla
How is your mum?
Do you have a supportive partner ?
I so wish I had been with my mum.
I have so many what ifs
Was she in pain? I think she must of been and that honestly pulls me apart.
Did she know she was dying in that moment ?
I wish she had got to hospital quicker and stood a chance
Sorry to derail, I am definitely struggling
Who on here has had counselling and would advise it ?

I have just found this thread - my mum is terminally ill with cancer and has gone downhill rapidly in the last week - she is 84. My poor dad is her carer and has been for many years as she was blind and unable to walk due to diabetes. I don't know how to deal with this. I am 60 and sitting here crying (good job I am WFH) as I simply don't know how I will cope when she goes, and I am so worried about my dad (86). She is in a fair bit of pain now - only a couple of months ago she was quite perky and even said 'I expect I will just go to sleep one night and not wake up' - if only that were to happen, instead she is in pain and almost bedridden. Just need a hand hold really.

I'm struggling today. Am still not back at work as I don't think I could face any obstacles which might occur there. Can't motivate myself to do anything - might meet a really good friend for a coffee tomorrow. This is so hard.

@RosewoodBox meet your friend, please do it it will be good for you I promise.

@awwkkwwaard handhold, life is so cruel she should be allowed to just slip away peacefully when her loved ones know she is ready to go.
Sending love to everyone on this thread , it's the worst place to be x

Love and support to all. I really thought dad would go today - Day 6 - but he is still breathing, just. I won’t go into details as don’t want to trigger but surely he cannot last much longer with no food or water?

How hard can it be to put up a few Christmas decorations?!!

They all have memories. Lost my dad at Christmas last year. The songs everything is taking me right back. I've got children and I'm trying to do this for them but I get stopped in my tracks by the littlest thing. Is this how it's always going to be?

@RosewoodBox hugs to you Please do what you need to do to get through such an awful time. I'm struggling with what to do with work too; it has all happened today and I've just been placed on compassionate leave. I want to only take the rest of the week but I have so much going on.

@dementedma and @awwkkwwaard I'm truly so sorry your loved ones are suffering. My dad nearly slipped away last week but was saved and me and my mum now wish there hadn't been intervention as all it really did was prolong his suffering and let him get to a point of being confused.

I feel sick writing this. I haven't processed it yet :(

@CloudyVanilla I've been off work since mum died. Doc was great and wrote me a line with no questions asked. I've got lots to do at work too, with important deadlines looming, but I just can't face it. Am desperately trying to ignore the fact that Christmas is approaching too.....it's awful.

So sorry CloudyVanilla that your dad passed so quickly and you didn't get to say your goodbyes.I expect you are in a bit of shock as well as feeling so sad. 💐
I feel so sad for all of you , for those who have already lost their loved one and for demented and awwkkwwaard sending you strength to cope. 💐

and hugs to everyone who is going through this, and thank you all for your kind comments. CloudyVanilla and dementedma I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am hoping that once mum has gone I will be calmer as she will not be in any pain - that is the worse thing - at the moment - and the fact that she has never been a complainer. Then I will no doubt worry about my dad, they have been married for nearly 65 years, how on earth do you cope being alone after that length of time?

Just wanted to send support to all. @awwkkwwaard - hugs from me, we're similar ages and I didn't think it was possible to cry so much when my 97 yo mum suddenly became ill and then died a couple of months ago. It was such a massive shock, despite her age and frailty, and the fact that logically I knew she probably couldn't have much time left. I wanted an adult to come along and take charge of it all for me - tbh I still feel that way. No denying it's one of the hardest things ever.

All of us struggling with the 'what ifs'...it's just rubbish, isn't it. As crunchymum said yesterday, there will come a point where the lifetime of good memories begins to outweigh the trauma of the last few weeks/days. It will take time, though. 'It's a process' is something I've heard said in the past and not really taken in, but it's slowly starting to make more sense to me now (I think).

@dementedma I can't really say anything helpful, there are no words to console, but just know I'm thinking of you all.