Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

@Brillig I feel very similar
My dad has met another woman, 6 months after my mum died. I feel sick, disappointed, angry, bitter, so so heartbroken
It should of been him not her.
She deserved so much more

That's so very hard for you @mrssunshinexxx I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses .

I'm sadly joining this thread. My lovely Mum died at the end of November. She was 80 and in a residential home due to having a neurological condition but she was cognitively well. Her death was unexpected - despite her difficulties everyone thought she was ticking along OK. I spoke to her on the phone several times a week and I'm really struggling when I think, "Oh, I must tell Mum about....." and then realise I can never do that again. It hurts.

I am lucky on many counts - we got on well, she met her grandchild (my daughter) and I have many happy memories of her. I know that grief is the price we pay for loving someone.

Sending loving kindness to you all. ❤

I've been reading this thread too. Much love and strength to all.
My mum died suddenly mid November. She was only 77 and full of life and energy. Running around after the grand kids. I spoke to her after 830pm the Monday and my dad rang me after 1030pm that something was seriously wrong. A brain aneurysm burst. I raced home as I'm close and we managed to get her to hospital but she had another catastrophic bleed during the operation the next day. And was pronounced brain dead the Thursday. Its 4 weeks since this all happened. I'm still in shock and trauma from everything. I just can't get my head around my wonderful mum being gone forever. Life is so cruel really it seems. It was a normal day and she was gone just like that.
The fear now that something with happen suddenly to other people I love is also terrible. I can't imagine ever being right again. I can't even believe its happened. When I look at my little one and think about all she lost too its crushing.

@beeboop2018 I am so sorry to read about your Mum, and I completely understand how you feel. My DM died of the same thing in April, I found her in the morning and called the ambulance. The whole thing has left me completely traumatised, I feel like I didn't do enough for her and I didn't get to say goodbye as she never really came round from the operation, she unfortunately suffered numerous strokes and bleeds after so we made the decision to let her go. We were then forced to watch her slowly die for nearly 3 weeks, life feels so very different without her and I am not sure it will ever feel the same again.

@beeboop2018 this is what killed my mum in April too, so sudden and so young. It is heart wrenching . Sending my love and thoughts x

@Glitterb @mrssunshinexxx
Thank you for replying. Its crazy to hear such similar stories as it all seems so almost obsurd to me that's how she went. I can't get my heard around her not being here so suddenly. I keep replaying every detail over and over as if I can will the outcome to be different. But I am glad she didn't have a long illness or suffer and if a sudden death is my cross to bear for all she did for me then I will take the shock and deal with it for her lack of suffering. She lived her life free to the end.
I suppose in a way it was easier for us we didn't have a choice to make - 2 consultant teams tests deemed her brain dead so I suppose she was already gone. Once ventilator was taken away she went in minutes. The swelling from the bleed cut off her brain stem so her reflexes were all gone. I do feel very lucky to have got her to hosptial, we gave her the best chance but it didn't go in her favour and all my siblings, dad and my mams sister got to say good bye to a warm hand. We were lucky to all get in to ICU even with Covid restrictions. It is a comfort even now to have had that time.
But the loss is so great. She was the heart and soul of our family and we just miss her immensely.

@beeboop2018 She was your Mum, it is possibly one of the worst emotional trauma you can go through. She was with you throughout your life, you have never known life without her. In time you will think of her and smile, but you are also entitled to miss her.
Grief comes and goes in waves, usually I am triggered by finding something of hers like her jewellery or her handbag.

You are welcome to rant on here or even just talk about your lovely Mum x

Thanks @Glitterb for your kind words. Its so sad. I'm not as obsessively thinking about the what ifs or hoping to will the operation into being a sucess. And the wierd panic feeling I had to want to desperatly go back isn't as often but I'm just so terribly sad. We all miss her so much, a massive loss for the big people and the little people alike, as my brother said. She was so much good and now that has all gone.

How are you doing months down the line @Glitterb ? Its like I want to state into the abyss and see what's coming...

@beeboop2018 the first few months were a complete blur, I don’t massively remember what I did except for trying to get through each day. It made it so much harder that the funeral wasn’t what she deserved and people still don’t know she died. I am received numerous Christmas cards for her from distant family.

My only advise would be to take one day at a time, I still get uncontrollable moments of crying when reality hits that I won’t see her again.

I am hoping to have some jewellery made from her ashes, is this something you could look at doing as well?

@Glitterb I feel like our situation is similar and the same time line.

@beeboop2018 hope you don't mind me answering and I'm going to be brutally honest but nearly 8 months in and honestly most days or atleast parts of most days are just as bad as the beginning. It's so hard but I have learned to accept this is how I will feel forever, she was massively important to me, I would say the most important figure in my life and the one I love the most so how can I expect to feel any different. But 8 months of crying multiple times and broken sleep ( had a baby 6 weeks after mums death) is taking its toll I am mentally exhausted

@glitterb thanks again. My mam was buried so no possibility for jewellery with ashes. But I have her wedding ring, my sister her engagement ring and my mam wore her mother's wedding ring so my other sister can have that if she wants. So it's something she had on all the time.
Just finding it so hard to even think this is real and she is gone. Grief is brutal. And the suddenness really has made me question life and be fretful. I feel like I'm 4 and lost my mum somewhere not 41.

@mrssunshinexxx I can't even imagine doing all this in the throws of a new baby. With the disrupted sleep and long days and nights. I'm so blessed my little one is almost 3 and we've sorted her sleep issues before this. I'm surprised as if I'd have been asked how I would cope after my mum passed I'd have never believed I would be able to sleep at night. Sending you strength to keep going. It's all so bloody hard and I know I'm still in shock but after a month I begin to get flashes of reality.

Ive been lucky to be still off work as is my closest sister and we have talked and cried and walked and hid under blankets drinking tea. We feel we have saved each other really in these early days. My other sister is in a different country and is really feeling the distance from it all. My brothers are processing it differently and are more 'doing'. She was our Queen bee really. For an non domineering unassuming woman she really was the centrepiece of everything.

Love and hugs to everyone going through a difficult time. My mum used to say 'Light a candle instead of cursing the darkness' so I just hope I can find the light again. She is willing us all on and she really wanted to live so I hope in time I can learn to really live again. She suffered many losses in her life... Parents, brothers and friends and she always picked herself back up again and was able to live for the precious moments in life.

@beeboop2018 we are so luckily in a way, to have such huge impactful losses because that means we had a truly wonderful parent.
It is hard but at the same time she has kept me going and gives me a reason to get up every day.
I have 2 sisters but relations there are difficult and also with my dad sadly I feel quite alone but I think I will have peace over time x

@beeboop2018 grief is brutal, and its a long process with bumps along the way. I am not sure I will ever get over how unfair it was, she was only 60 and when the doctors told her she had the brain aneurysm she was terrified of dying, I tried to keep her as calm as possible before the operation but they rushed her off so we had to just sit and wait.

I lost my Dad 2 years ago, he died from cancer and was told it was terminal from the start. He managed a good 3 years more than the doctors ever thought he would, and even though seeing him suffer in the end was horrible, he had made peace with going and had everything sorted for when he did go. My Mum had no will, we had no access to any of her bank accounts (she was self employed and still working full time) or any life insurance, this has added to the horrendous stress. She will have in no way meant to this to happen, she just had no plans to die, not only have we had to grieve but also we have faced financial difficulty, who knew dying is so expensive and how completely insensitive some companies are. We are still trying to sort her estate as corona has added to the delay.

The whole thing has made me completely terrified about dying young, I no longer care about maternal items and whinging about pointless things, what's the point?

Looks after yourself and do not apologise for feeling the way you are, if you want a duvet day, then do that. Same goes to you @mrssunshinexxx, scary how common brain aneurysms are!

You have had a really really shit hand @Glitterb is your husband supportive ? I just can't get my head around my dad moving on I feel our relationship is damaged beyond repair I can't explain the hurt and betrayal I feel. I have asked if I can go and spread some of her ashes in private on the morning he wants to do it but he's being difficult and if he doesn't agree I'm afraid / or not that will be the end of our relationship

My mum was 63 and had such a love for life I can't get over the fact she's really gone I don't believe in god or afterlife or anything like that so for me the stark reality I will never be reunited with her / she isn't seeing anything I do is gut wrenching. Sometimes I wish I did believe in god
She went from awful headache to mumbling speech and being sick all over herself 😭 to unconscious and never woke up

My friend dropped this picture in for me today. She painted it the day my mum died, for me.

I'd forgotten all about it. It represents the cycle of life but also beauty, grace, poise and endurance.

I'm generally quite spiritual and my mum was too. But today 'the cycle of life feels all too cruel to bear.

It's coming up to the first anniversary of my Mums death. I don't know why, but this seems so much harder than every other grim milestone we've reached. She was only in her mid 50s, she should be here still. Her parents are still alive. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks. All the Christmas preparations just remind me that last time I did those things she was dying.

Close I’m so sorry. Your mum was so young (younger than me).
It must be so hard for you.
I haven’t been on here much since losing Dad in July but he was 82 and had a full and happy life for which I am grateful. My mum is finding it so hard though. They had been married for nearly 60 years and she is heartbroken.
We have lived in this house for 20 years and every one of those Christmases he sat at the head of our dining table and said grace in his own special words before Christmas dinner. Next week is going to be hard.

I am wishing the days away I just want Christmas over. I am sick of putting a brave face on for everyone my husband my kids my friends and my work colleagues. My dad passed away in the summer. He was diagnosed with cancer and was gone in 4 weeks. It was like one day he was full of life and working away and then he was gone. We are left with this big hole in our lives he was the backbone of our family. My poor Mam is broken she is only in her mid 60s and she is just so lost without him. It breaks my heart. I feel like I’m drowning in sadness but can’t let it out as I have to be the strong one to keep everyone else going. I dont know how to tell anyone how broken I feel I have distanced myself from all my friends and covid isnt helping. Sorry I just had to let it out somewhere before I explode. Trying to work in a stressful job and be there for my mam is becoming too much. Thinking of everyone on this thread and their Mams and Dads at this hard time.

It’s 2 calendar months today since Mum died. It feels like forever.

DH and I went out for meal tonight. He did something minor which set me off throwing things and crying.

Does anyone else feel like they’re ok for a bit, then it builds up to a breaking point?

It's so hard being the one who has to be brave for everyone else. My Dad has mental health problems and got a lot worse since Mum died. He lives an hours drive away and I've been juggling trying to care for him as well as looking after my 3 young kids, one of whom has additional needs. Dad's been sectioned and is in hospital at the moment, which is easier for me in some ways, but I just feel guilty that I've not been able to help him enough to keep him out of hospital. It sucks.
Sorry to hear what you've all been through, losing a parent is tough xx

Minnie I know exactly what you mean, yes. I'd started to feel better - just a tiny, tiny bit - about losing my mum, but the last few days have set me right back again. I'd stopped crying every day but now it's started again and I keep having flashbacks to her last moments. It frightens me to be honest. I don't want this to be what I remember of her, just the last few horrible weeks as opposed to the lifetime of the lovely, funny, capable mum she was. I just hope the balance will shift with time.

CloseEncounters I'm sorry it's so hard for you with your Dad on top of all the other stresses in your life, that's really, really tough.

for everyone on this thread. Thanks for the support, it means a lot.

@CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind. That is so tough on you dealing with grief and then the worry of your Dads mental health on top too xx. Hopefully the hospital put in the right supports to help him get through this awful time.
@Brillig I have been getting those flashbacks the last while now and they are like a punch in the stomach you think you are having an ok day and then it hits you. Someone told me it’s like your brain slowly let’s then into your memories so you don’t get overwhelmed but that they are part of your memories with your parent and are important. I can’t deal with them at the moment so am pushing them way back down
@MinnieMountain. Some days are better then others and then some days you are hanging on by a thread. The sadness and anger can just boil over in a minute I think it’s cause you have so many emotions going in your mind now that the smallest thing can cause a huge reaction. My husband lost his Mam last year and be just withdrew from everyone. Everything I did was wrong it got to the stage where I avoided him for months. He didn’t know how to handle all the emotions he had and he said it was easier to feel anger than sadness so that’s what he went with. Since my dad has passed away he has been brilliant and has minded our whole family. He keeps saying don’t do what I did and I need to cry do it with him so I can be strong for Mam. I just don’t think he realises how much I need to cry

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse we've been put in tier 4 so I can't see family on the anniversary of Mums death. Anyone know if I can visit her grave in tier 4? It's an hours drive away but in the same county.

@CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind yay for sectioning. In a serious, supportive way - it seems so hard to actually get to the point where the professionals accept that someone is really not in their right mind and needs treatment whether they want it or not. I can see they've got to balance everything but in least one case in my family the "lala they seem ok to me!" approach ended very badly.

It is my second Xmas without Mum and I'm channeling her and cooking All The Things. I am half her after all so in a way she's not all gone IYSWIM. Seems odd not getting Dad's carefully curated wishlist though (bless him it did help).

I am not sure about grave visits, would it count as outdoor exercise? I need to go revamp Mum's grave but luckily it, I, and the route in between are Tier 2 so I just have to pick a day with good weather and remember not to have coffee before I set off