Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Do you mind if I join? It wasn't my mum but my mother in law. She died suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday. I cannot believe it and can't get my head round the fact we won't ever see her again.

Hi @kirinm

So sorry for your loss.

I know MIL's get a lot of stick on MN (in general) but I am lucky in that mine is epic and I cannot even think of being without her.... especially now I don't have my own mum.

I understand how losing your Mother in Law can be such a huge wrench. Sending love to you all

Thanks @Crunchymum she was a huge part of our lives even though she could drive me nuts at times. My partner is mid-30s so still young to lose a parent and his dad isn't around.

It just feels like such an enormous thing. I burst into tears whenever I think about her.

Tomorrow would of been my dads 80th, it's been 11 months since he left. It may look on the outside that things are better but inside I'm still there, in that exact second he died. Ripping apart. I think I've accepted it won't ever feel any better. Im alone here with my feelings, I don't want to keep dragging others down with it all. I have photos on my phone from his last birthday, they are so hard to look at. Next month on the 21st will be a year gone. Christmas songs bring it all back to. I used to love Christmas. I'm sick of pretending I'm fine. I'm using this space to acknowledge things really, things I can't say in the 'real' world.

Your Post resonates with me and probably many others. It sucks so much that we feel we have to fake it @furryer

@furryer and @mrssunshinexxx I know what you mean. I feel this to be a good space as everyone understands, and we can choose when to come in here. Whereas.... For example... My dad doesn't choose to be faced with fresh memories and torrents of grief from me... We do and can talk, but at the end of it, he knows he can't take it from me, or me from him. It stirs it up, as he puts it, and he can't do it and doesn't want me to live like that... And knows mum doesn't want me to either. So.... I am grateful for this place and my 'new' place with my dad.
Lots of love to you both

Hugs to you @furryer - I'm so sorry you lost your dad and that you're isolated with those painful feelings.

It's a relief to find kindred spirits on this thread who understand. I've only got my DSis to talk to about our mum. I'm still missing her so very much and I know DSis is too but she's compartmentalising it much better. The other day we talked on the phone and I got very weepy.....expressed the way I was feeling, so lost and having flashbacks to mum's last moments. DSis thinks I should 'get help', talk to my GP - she can't quite understand why I'm not coping better, I don't think. She keeps asking why I'm beating myself up over things that can't be changed....but I can't help it.

I feel I'm doing this all wrong somehow. I'm still crying a lot, especially at night when I ought to be setting down to sleep. It's 6 weeks since mum died. We were close, much closer than mum was to DSis actually, since I supplied a lot of her care over the last few years, and losing her still feels so enormous. It's like a huge part of my life has died along with her and I don't know what to do.

@Brillig I promise you are not doing anything wrong there's no right or wrong with grief. I think others can feel uncomfortable when we cry/ aren't seen to be 'coping' but that is there issue. I have 2 sisters and I was closest to mum by a country mile we were best friends I would go to her for advise and if I had free time it's her I wanted to spend it with not my friends my age. One of my sisters was no contact with her for the last 3 years so she will be guilt ridden for life. (Mum tried to sort their issues several times) and my other sister just didn't have the same relationship so I think she finds it hard when I am constantly crying I am 7 months down the line and I am no longer crying 10+ times a day and I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but there is not a day I don't cry atleast once or twice and to be honest I'm not sure if that will ever change.
This loss is absolutely huge , the worst I could of had I think
Life is so so so crap and unfair I often just look up at the pitch black sky outside and cry and wonder where are you mum why did you leave me when I needed you and wanted you so badly

Hi all. I haven’t been on here much since losing Dad in June and am so sorry that so many more people have had to join the thread since then

I miss him so much but I still haven’t really cried. I don’t know if it’s because I am on anti depressants following a traumatic event the previous year, or if I am just numb from experiencing both traumas within 18 months.
It’s certainly not because I didn’t love him. He was my hero.
Him and Mum spent every Xmas with us, they loved being with us all.
Last week, Mum announced that she won’t be coming to us this year. She is understandably worried about Covid as our ‘three households’ will include people who work full time, and young children.

This lockdown she has ‘bubbled’ with her neighbours who are wonderful. We have only seen her to drop shopping over the fence or a walk with just one of us.
She has planned to have Christmas Day with these fabulous neighbours, who are the same age and don’t see anyone else.
I have to respect that this is what she feels is right. She says she’s worried about leaving us without either parent - should she catch it.

It just makes me feel sad. Christmas without either of them feels all wrong. Damn you Covid for ruining so much.

Sorry, I am just offloading. I know no one can make it right

Nice to ‘see’ you again @mrssunshinexxx
How’s your little one?

By the way, I offered Mum the chance to have Xmas with just me, but she would’nt hear of it, she insists I should get to spend it with my grandson.
I guess I would do the same in her shoes

@Picassopilot she's a dream thank you can't believe she is 5months it has gone in a blink and a blur I've definitely been in grief survival mode . I can understand why you are very sad about that but I think you have to believe her I think it sounds as though she's genuinely happy to spend it with her neighbours ? Hopefully by next year this is awful virus will be behind us or much much more under control x

Hello to you all, hope you are faring as well as can be expected?

I've had a few "better" weeks but it's always there, bubbling beneath the surface. Yesterday my 5yo and I were practicing one of her Xmas songs (Slade, I wish it could be Christmas everyday) and it had me in tears. How am I going to cope with all the Christmas songs now that my world has changed so much?

I feel a bit lonely at the moment. Not physically lonely (3 young kids means I am never alone) but emotionally lonely. I feel like no-one 'gets it' at the moment as outwardly I'm doing pretty well?

I see my sister and SIL (brothers partner of 25 years so as good as a sister) all the time our kids are at the same school and our interactions are all very normal. We don't really talk about mum. I see my dad a few times a weeks and I find myself strangely sad after seeing him. He is doing amazingly and I'm so proud of how he is coping but I just feel such sadness after I leave him? We don't talk about mum much either (well we do but not in any deep and significant way) and we don't talk about our grief or sadness. We tend to be very upbeat and 'bouncy'. I'm the same with everyone really. Apart from my DP. Brave face and all that.

Maybe I am keeping too much to myself? I have friends who I can talk to candidly. My dear friend lost her dad in not too dissimilar circumstances a few years ago so she has been fabulous.

I am just not one to reach out when I feel like crap. I would never call my sister to tell her I'm having a bad day (for example) as I'd not want to upset her or drag her down. I'd of course say to her "I found Saturday hard" but not until I'm feeling better?

Grief is so bizarre. Its weird how you want to protect those closest to you from it (despite knowing you can't as they've lost their mum / wife too) and how you internlise it. Almost like its a dirty secret.

I still cry everyday but most days its a fleeting cry...its mainly a happy memory that triggers it. Although I only have happy memories of mum and I know I'm lucky for that.

10 weeks on Monday. I've lived this new existence for 10 weeks. Its incomprehensible.

Somehow I got through last week. The day I had to go home is being treated as sickness absence. Which I'm not too happy about. Might contact HR.

I'm finding myself lacking the motivation to do anything still and simply cannot be bothered with Christmas.

@madnessitellyou my DM died about a year ago and it definitely triggered an additional layer of pragmatism re Xmas. Did some cards and went "stuff it" when I didn't want to do any more. Losing a parent just in the run-up to Xmas is pretty much a get-out clause for everything short of telling the sweet old lady round the corner to F off, so do what you want this year.

How is everyone x

My father is dying. This is not a tragedy..he is 87, in care with v advanced dementia, doubly incontinent etc. He now weighs under 7 stone. Death will be a relief. I have spent the last 3 days at his bedside. He is rarely conscious. He hasnt eaten or drunk anything in that time. Palliative care only . Does anyone know how long this takes? He stops breathing every so often and I think he's passed then he gives a horrible gasping gurgle and starts breathing again. What should I expect?

This might be Cheyne-Stokes breathing, see www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/being-there/end-of-life-preparation/breathing-end-of-life

The medics tend not to be drawn on "how long" type questions, but I think this is because there is quite a bit of variation and nobody likes to say "hours" and have it turn out to be a week or vice versa.

I was there at my FiL's bedside and also my Mum when they died and it was fairly clear - as when the heart stops all the pink bits start to turn blue because the blood isn't oxygenating any more. I found it felt natural and I was able to accept it though with great sadness (they too had both been very ill)

Thinking of you and I'm glad you're able to be there with him. Making you a virtual cup of . If he slips away while you're napping or on the loo though, please don't be too sad. Hugs.

Wow @dementedma I'm sorry you are going through this it must be very very difficult to watch and process. I hope for both your sakes he slips away peacefully very soon
Sending caring thoughts x

I'm so sorry to hear this @dementedma. Hope he is as comfortable as possible and that you are doing as well as you can. I know you say that due to his age this isn't a tragedy, but he's still your dad (my dad died four weeks ago at the age of 90))

@dementedma Sending hugs to you. It’s so very hard whatever the circumstances. I lost my darling mum 8 weeks ago. She was 97 and although anyone would say ‘oh, well, a marvellous age...’ she was indomitable and I would do anything for her still to be here.

I wish peace for you and your dear dad.

Thank you all. He is still hanging on.

@CovidNightmare So sorry for your loss

She loved her garden and hated cut flowers, we have ordered forget-me-not seed packets with her photo on them to send to family who can't attend.

Can I possibly ask where you got these? Mourning my 64 yo dad who passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly about 6 weeks ago, coroner has taken ages, funeral in a week.

@dementedma how are you coping how is your dad x

Still alive, unbelievably. Unconscious most of the time but cries out now and then. Thank you for asking, that was kind of you.