Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

I'm not sure @Picassopilot he's very grumpy i kind of wish I could fast forward a few years to when things are a little bit better but of course I don't want to miss out on a minute of enjoying my new baby girl x

Just rang dad and he was crying saying it want mum' it's gut wrenching

@mrssunshinexxx that's heartbreaking. Poor poor man.
We expect our parents to go before us, in a sense caring for them through their last illnesses and arranging their funerals and so on is the last thing we can do for them.
But we all hope ... I don't know... that perhaps we will get sick at the same time as our OH and go together... But that doesn't really happen does it.
I know that losing my OH is my worst nightmare but that seems selfish too as otherwise I'd be leaving him...

Well with any luck we'll have lost enough marbles by that time that whoever's left just thinks the other one is out shopping!

@FluffyFluffyClouds I know it's sucks
Ha that's a nice thought
If he had lost her in her 80s peacefully in her sleep this would be so much easier but she's just been snatched away as they were both getting to the good bit no worries retired and 6 grandchildren to enjoy.
Now it's gone for her and for him as he doesn't want to do anything x

@mrssunshinexxx

It must be so hard trying to comfort your Dad whilst dealing with your own grief
Apologies if I have already asked this, but would he be willing to find bereavement support somewhere?
Even something online might be a start.
Or his GP?
How are you feeling? I find the little things so upsetting.

My Mum had to transfer me some money to pay for some for bits recently Once was about three weeks ago and again yesterday.
The first lot had Dads initials as they had a joint back account. Yesterday’s just had Mums
Legally it feels like he’s just extinguished

@TonyBennsCat How’s things with you? Do you have a date for the funeral now?

@FluffyFluffyClouds That made me chuckle!

@Picassopilot I worried at first that I wasn't grieving properly but it seems to be seeping out. I found it surprisingly hard having my birthday and the cards being signed only by (parents' widow/era).

@FluffyFluffyClouds so sorry
It was my birthday last week and I was dreading not seeing mum in it and it was just as sad as I expected

@Picassopilot I feel awful how are you?
I am so drained I think the lack of sleep with newborn is obviously additional
He is on waiting list for crus but I'm not sure if he will follow through with it I am using crus I've done 2 sessions but I don't think I find it helpful at all are you counselling ?

@Picassopilot sorry I pressed send too soon so sorry you are experiencing this too I know exactly what you mean about them just disappearing it's horrific it's like what did her whole life mean ?! what was it all about what was is for ?! So so sad I feel like mums death has changed me forever I just feel empty

@mrssunshinexxx
I really feel for you. Bringing up your little one without your mum must be so, so hard.
I hope Cruise helps eventually.

I really miss my Dad but I was lucky I had him for as long as I did. It still feels like he left us too early though, as he was still mentally and physically very able. I am trying to cling onto that and other positives ie He wasn’t horrifically disabled by his brain bleed. He got to see a great grandchild.

I feel more sorry for him than myself. The fact he didn’t get back to some kind of normal after shielding for so long. That he’s missing out on my grandson coming along with his speech (he was a late talker), missing out on the beautiful walk my Mum, Sister and myself went on today.
I guess that’s a bit daft but it’s how I feel.

I have to deal with tragedies at work and my way of coping is to not think too deeply about it. If I do, I crumble.
I feel that’s what I am doing now.
I keep busy and push the fact that he has gone to the back of my mind.
It’s probably not a good way of coping but it feels like the right way at the moment.

@FluffyFluffyClouds @mrssunshine

Oh I hadn’t thought about birthday cards.
My Dad always used to to write our cards. He always wrote cute things in them.

I hate seeing his writing around the house. I find that particularly upsetting.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before but we are all having ‘memory bears’ made out of a patchwork of Dads shirts.
I’m not a cuddly toy sort of person but I think these are a lovely idea.
We have to sort the shirts out first though and that will be hard.

Have you both helped sort through your parents stuff? What have you done with everything.
I think my mum will be happy for charity shops to benefit from his things but it might be a while before she wants to have a sort out.
All these things are so difficult aren’t they?

Hello and to all.

I have been dipping in and out of this board but am having such a hard time today and feel as though I'm slipping into a big black hole.

Long story short, my Mum died from ovarian cancer during lockdown on April 27th. For the first month of lockdown she was still at home, after some hospital tests and some falls she moved in with me and my DP as we were able to give her a room with ensuite for shielding rather than me moving into her 1 bed flat and sharing a bathroom.

I and my adult son nursed her through her final month and were with her when she died, and we do truly appreciate how lucky we were in that regard.

Her rented flat had to be cleared by June 16th so we sorted all that out - her things and furniture are crammed into the room she passed in and also in my shop which has not opened since restrictions eased - my business was struggling beforehand and is pretty much non-viable other than online which I know I have to step up and organise but it seems so daunting.

My DP is working again, reduced hours two days one week, four the next alternating, and is thankfully pulling out of the depression he fell into while furloughed.

His Mum is in residential care with dementia - I cared for her for 18 months living with us before it became unsafe for her, and although she tested positive for the virus she remains asymptomatic.

I feel guilty and self-indulgent - my DP worked today and I have had to confess to him I didn't make it out of bed today. I went into my shop yesterday and hung up loads of my Mums clothes with a view to selling them as they are quite stylish and we deal in new and pre-loved things. I feel sick and hollow and as if everything is pointless.

My Mum made me promise I wouldn't fall apart right up to her passing and I feel as if I'm doing that. My son has gone back to his own home and although my DP has been supportive, he is getting a bit frustrated with my lethargy. Of course he is feeling bad about his Mum, and our finances are tight.

I just feel so wretched and pathetic and useless - i am 51 and have weathered some storms in my life but managed to keep going. but this time I just feel so weary and sad and what i wouldn't give for my Mum, a very stoic lady, to manifest and give me the kick up the bum I need.

I am terrified my DP will just get tired of me - I'm not just reeling emotionally, I feel jittery, I'm clumsy, I'm overweight and out of condition, I have smoked and drank too much and am so disgusted with myself on so many levels. I have been a bit of a hermit but have started being out of the house more days than I'm in which feels like progress, but if I have a busy day I am wiped out the next.

One of our housemates says this is normal - he lost his Dad suddenly in his late teens and it took him about two years of self destructive behaviour to sort himself out. I think I'm old enough and sensible enough not to go that route, but I just seem to be in this horrible spiral of fear and dread and guilt.

The added lockdown and virus thing makes me feel as though I've been thrown into a parallel universe without really realising, and while I'm following all the guidelines I keep wondering why, what's the point.

Sorry to harp on but I just really needed to offload and my DP will be home soon and he's apparently had a good day at work so I don't want to bring him down.

Any thoughts on how to bring myself back into the real world much appreciated, and my thoughts are with you all too - I know I'm not alone. I know I should have been prepared for this inevitability, and I can say all the right words in my head but they don't seem to compute if you know what I mean.

Thank you for providing this space.

My DD got her degree results today, I'm so proud but tonight I can't stop crying on and off, my Dad would have been so proud if he'd be able to see her get her results

@OldQueen1969 dare I ask about hormones - I was feeling quite doomy "off" and detached and not sleeping ideally and then it occurred to me that I was feeling like I was before HRT (indeed this was why I went on it!)
And
I had been gradually cutting down on my HRT (not a lot, very very gradually!) to see if I could do without.
Well stuff that, I'm not skipping any more pills!
Anyway that was just a thought.

It's definitely a thing though that people hold themselves together through awful awful times and then when it's over the subconscious says, "Now it's safe to go to bits" - have seen that soooo many times.

@OldQueen1969
Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Grief affects us all differently.
I feel better by being busy, but I am lucky because as a key worker, I have worked throughout.
It must have been so difficult to lose your mum in full lockdown.
Honestly, this virus has a lot to answer for
It has robbed so many people of so much.

Have you thought about asking your doctor for something to help you through the dark times?
I honestly never thought I would be someone who would end up taking tablets, but last year something very upsetting happened to my DD. It affected me badly and I would wake bolt upright in the night hyperventilating and relieving it for months after.
I eventually went to the Drs who suggested medication to relax me at night, and it’s been wonderful.
My Mums GP is monitoring her closely as she has needed something to help her sleep since Dad died. They are normally pretty good re - bereavement.
But as @FluffyFluffyClouds said, it might be worth having your hormone levels checked as the menopause causes all sorts of havoc to our bodies!!
There’s always someone to offload to on here, so feel free to do so if your DP isn’t very sympathetic.
I think some men struggle with knowing how to deal with us
My DP is great but struggles with tears, as he just wants to ‘fix’ the problem. Which of course, he can’t.
Please don’t feel like you are ‘harping on’
You are hurting and if posting here helps then post away

@thesuperfluousone
Well done to your DD!
I believe our parents are ‘around us’ and I bet your lovely Dad is as proud as punch.

I and my adult son nursed her through her final month and were with her when she died, and we do truly appreciate how lucky we were in that regard.

@OldQueen1969 She was very lucky to have somebody special who could do that for her

My DS and My DNeice also got their results this week. He would have been over the moon. It’s hard isn’t it @thesuperfluousone

The funeral is next Monday. I’ve mostly been staying with Mum. She is quite disabled by arthritis but otherwise in good health although a bit disorganised and vague about things.

@TonyBennsCat

My DS and My DNeice also got their results this week. He would have been over the moon. It’s hard isn’t it *@thesuperfluousone*

The funeral is next Monday. I’ve mostly been staying with Mum. She is quite disabled by arthritis but otherwise in good health although a bit disorganised and vague about things.

Congrats to your DS and DNeice @TonyBennsCat. I've seen a recording of the funeral, we couldn't be there. I hope your Dad's funeral gives you what you need, hopefully things are more 'normal' than they were with funerals now.

My mom died on May 16th. I'm still crying everyday, sometimes spontaneously. It's even worse when I dream about her.

@BR0K3N so sorry
You will be crying for a long long time I have accepted I will likely cry most days for the rest of my life . So so shit for us all

@Picassopilot it's horrific I just so wanted her to have my mum as the wonderful grandma and role model she would of been

My dad started sorting the house very quick he binned / bagged a lot up for charity we thought it was too soon but stayed quiet
We haven't done her wardrobe yet but I did her shoes for him and it was gut wrenching taking them all out the cupboard

Her coats are still hung up at the bottom of the stairs and her toothbrush in the bathroom it's just awful it just made me cry so hard even typing that

There doesn't seem any point to anything u feel so low and I have a beautiful new baby that I am so lucky to have what is wrong with me

@mrssunshinexxx
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are riding the rollercoaster of grief.

Of course your new baby is bringing you joy but just because something brings you happiness doesn’t mean it will cancel out your deep pain.

@TonyBennsCat
Congratulations to your young people’s results too.

@BR0K3N - I feel for you. Just take one hour, one day, one week at a time

My dad was a well respected man in the local community in a number of ways and while it’s lovely hearing everyone’s stories about him I can’t process that it’s my dad they’re talking about. As if everyone’s memories are crowding out my own. I’ve also been so busy supporting my mum, arranging the funeral, speaking to people, doing all of the things that need to be done, that my mind is whirring with practicalities. Yesterday’s gem was not being able to have the bearers we’d asked as that would push us over the allowed number of mourners at the graveside so I then had to un-ask them which caused me a sleepless night. I’ve had a few tears, I’ve welled up a few times but not really cried. We lost a dog five years ago - I sobbed for a week. I feel as I can’t afford to now because it will make it real.

Really feel for you you are in the thick of it now as it's so recent :( @TonyBennsCat

Your right @Picassopilot it's just crap and really quite hard to feel so in love with my new daughter but also utterly heartbroken and empty 24/7 too these feelings shouldn't mix and certainly not constantly this is a forever thing which I try to push to the back of my mind when I allow myself to think this is how I will feel forever it really makes me think it's all pointless

mummylin this is a belated thanks for this thread. It was Beyond helpful when my mum died, soon to be 2 years ago. Thanks to everyone who gave me support and for whom I could give some back.

Heartfelt good wishes to those of you here now due to death of a parent. Take it slow and be gentle with yourself.
Thanks op.

@Picassopilot We had memory bears done for my Mum & Dad - they didn't stir any huge emotions in me when they arrived but they were beautifully crafted and I'm glad I have them.