Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

@FluffyFluffyClouds
Thanks, I’m looking forward to getting them done. They do look like a perfect keepsake.

@TonyBennsCat
You have pretty much summed up how I have felt!
It feels wrong to not be crying constantly.

I dreaded losing a parent. I miss him. I know I am so very sad he’s gone, but I have only had one sobbing session and that makes me feel bad and quite confused

I lost my mum just over a month ago. I lived when her. She had terminal lung cancer / COPD and fought til the very end. It was hard being her carer. I struggled, especially because of the current situation (Covid), trying to work from home and being pregnant. I'm deeply sad at her death, knowing my son won't ever meet his nanny. But I'm also relieved for her not suffering and also relieved for myself. I was willing her to die towards the end. I couldn't bare seeing her like that, gasping for breath. I honestly felt like the worse person in the world for wanting her to die. I found in the last 6 months of her life I had to emotionally detach myself from her. Just so I could get through every day. I just feel so guilty now she is gone and hope she knows how much I loved her. I'm very lost without her and have a deep emptiness. I don't feel like it's real even though I saw her die and we've had her funeral. I also lost my dad to cancer last November. Any advice how to move on from this grief. Thanks

@Mummyto3xxx I am so sorry for your losses it's just horrific isn't it
I lost my mum 3 months ago and she died when I was33 weeks pregnant with my first baby the fact she never met her and never will and never saw me become a mum literally breaks my heart daily
Life is cruel I have no advice on how to help with grief sadly I am drowning in it and still have my dad so I can't imagine how you just feel I am sorry x

Thank you for replying. I guess I’m on here to talk to people who have been through similar things. Mum knew I was having a boy and was delighted for me after having two daughters. She also said that she’ll be wirh me when I give birth. I’m not sure if you are spiritual. I am ! I’ve been looking out for signs from my mum. I did say to her for years to give me clear signs once she’d passed away. Have you had any from your mum? Also I’m very sorry for your loss I truly understand your pain x

@Mummyto3xxx 💐
Please don't feel guilty. You didn't want her to die as such - you just wanted her not to be in the situation she was in, and the only way out that you knew of was her passing away. That's very common. You were able to care for her when she was sick and needed the presence of someone she loved and trusted. That's what's important.

I know what you mean about the empty feeling and it somehow not feeling real despite everything. I have lost both parents in the last year too; I was with Mum when she died; I was a pallbearer at Dad's funeral. I know they're gone but somehow can't really understand it.

And you are expecting - that must make getting your head around it all just so much harder. Sending virtual hugs.

@FluffyFluffyClouds thanks for your message. I'm sorry you too have lost both you're parents. Nothing in life prepares you for this. I was so close to my mum and as I moved back home 11
Years ago, she was part of my every day life. I'm trying to take comfort from the fact that she's no longer suffering. I'm trying to now look forward to the pregnancy as when my mum was alive I felt so guilty talking about the baby as I didn't want to upset her. I know she'd want me to be happy and get on wirh my life. Sending virtual hugs to you toox

@Mummyto3xxx Sorry for your loss. I too lost my mum very recently, two weeks ago today, and my father two and a half years ago, and it feels so empty. If it helps you, at least knowing that your dear mum was ill allowed you to have precious time together and prepare yourself on some level. My mum passed away within hours, unexpectedly, so I am still in shock really and there are many things I wish I'd said. I guess there is no perfect way, but at least your mum got to see over a long period how much you loved and cared for her.

As for being pregnant with a little one, it must be very hard to feel joyous right now, but a new life will bring you so much joy and so much love. My dcs remind me so much of my parents in little ways, and that brings comfort into my life. Maybe you could think about naming your dc after one of your parents? My ds is named after a great-grandfather I never met, but as a result of that, that great-grandfather is talked about almost daily in our house, my ds knows all about him, and it keeps his memory alive. x

@Mummyto3xxx it's horrific isn't it
My mum was quite old fashioned and said not to find out the sex it's the only surprise you can get etc etc but we did find out and I took a big balloon up for her and dad to pop so I'm really glad now she's gone that she knew the gender and her name.. she knew as much as she could if that makes sense.

Yes I believe in something/ afterlife. I think? I think she is a magpie although I haven't seen one for a while now at first they were everywhere and very often 3 at once's which means superstitious wise
1 for sorrow
2 for joy
3 for a girl
4 for a boy
As I was having a girl I thought it was a sign from her and a few times when I was having very bad moments wailing one would just turn up either in next doors garden, on next doors roof etc and when my husband picked me up from hospaital with the baby when we were discharged we were leaving the hospital really slowly and there were 2 magpies just sat right there.. 2 for joy
It made me sob and sob
What about you?
Some days however I think everything is bollcoks and she's just gone and other days I think this can't be all there it so life .. work your arse off and give everything to everyone and be so selfless she had so much loss and trauma in her earlier life and my sister was NC with her for last 3 years .. then die this just can't be what it's al about I feel like she didn't get enough good but then babies die, children die, people in there twenties die etc urgh I don't know sorry I'm waffling I'm on a rant x

mrssunshinexxx - hugs, it's so hard isn't it.

@lostandsad1 and to you
It's utter shit!! X

How’s everyone doing? @FluffyFluffyClouds @TonyBennsCat @Mummyto3xxx @lostandsad1and anyone else grieving.

I went to my mums to cook us both tea tonight.
I found it really difficult. Him not being in his usual spot on the sofa, his writing on their calendar, all of his garden bits just as he left them, hours before he died so suddenly.
I filled up the bird feeders and picked the strawberries as mum watered his tomato plants and it all felt so cruel that he wasn’t there.
Mum got upset relieving finding him semi conscious and feels awful that he might have been laying there unable to call for her.
I feel so sorry that she witnessed him like that.

@Tonybennscat - how was your Dads funeral?

@Picassopilot my mum is going through the same. She found my dad lying on the floor unable to get up. She called my brother who got him up then called an ambulance. Sadly he had a heart attack when the paramedics were there and they couldn’t revive him. She’s upset that he might have been calling and she couldn’t hear him because of her deafness.

The funeral was ok. We had horrendous weather for the burial but we managed to have the hymns we wanted and his favourite song and DS said a few words which was brave of him. There was quite a big crowd outside the cemetery gates despite the dreadful weather. Family came back to mum’s and by then the weather was fine so we had (quite a few) drinks in the garden.

We are lucky that all his grandchildren are in their twenties so will have plenty of good memories of him.

I think I am still pretending he’s not really gone though.

@BestIsWest that must be really tough for your mum wondering if he was shouting but she needs to be kind to herself

My dad always says what if I had called ambulance sooner what if we hadn't gone for that walk I. The heat what if what if

@mrssunshinexxx I know. You can keep asking yourself these questions forever. I’ve been saying that if the ambulance crew had been called earlier then he would likely have been in hospital sooner and the same thing would have happened anyway. At least this way he died in his own home and we could all say our goodbyes to him. She called me when they were trying to revive him and I only live 5 minutes away so at least I got there in time.

Oh gosh @BestIsWest must of been so tough to be there though equally

My dad wasn't allowed in ambulance with mum due to covid and only dad was allowed to hospital when they knew she wasn't going to make it he was with her when she passed away but she was unconscious the whole time 😭 breaks my heart that this isn't a horrible dream

@BestIsWest - I had far too much to drink after the funeral too
Sorry the weather was so awful for the burial.

I guess the ‘blaming yourself’ is all part of the grieving process. It sounds like our Mum’s and @mrssunshinexxx ‘s Dad could’nt have done anymore than they did.
It’s so awful that they all had to witness their spouses so critically ill

All of my Dads grandchildren have wonderful memories of him which is lovely, but I can’t bear to see/hear that they are so upset.

Both my sister and I have been treated to a weekend away by our partners (pure co incidence that it’s it’s the same weekend) so we have got the DC’s on board to visit and check on Mum.

Both of my parents have always been very independent and sociable and although Mum still is, the fact that she’s now living alone makes me feel very responsible for her.

Have a nice weekend everyone

@Picassopilot completely agree my dad has great friends and lifelong friends he lives in a small village where everyone knows him so that brings me comfort but I almost feel like I'm mothering him?

@mrssunshinexxx
My mum seems quite grateful for us mothering her at the moment. I think losing Dad has totally knocked her confidence.

I’m sure she’ll gradually regain it and we will back off, but it feels like the natural thing to do at the moment.
Bl*dy Covid doesn’t help as her choir, coffee mornings etc are still on hold

I’m done with 2020 and we still have 5 months to go !

@Picassopilot everything feels so unsafe
I would love to go out for tea with dad or lunch/ breakfast but I can't risk it with a baby or for myself this virus is real and takes who it wants
So scary

Can I join? My lovely Dad was buried on Friday. I had a thread about hymns at funerals and everyone was so lovely in their replies. In the end we couldn't sing hymns but a beautiful cantor sang. My Mum gave her a list of hymns and let her choose the order. The other hymns were quite standard funeral ones but my special hymn was quirky and not funeral like and she saved it til last. It was absolutely beautiful and she sang it so beautifully , I'd love to thank her and tell her how much that hymn meant to me. Hopefully maybe at Christmas I might bump into her.

Right now, I just keep crying at everything that reminds me of Dad. Poor George Michael came on my Spotify and I had to say 'sorry, George, not right now' 😐

My rational mind tells me it's a process and I'll move beyond this stage but my heart is breaking and I can't imagine feeling any differently.

This weekend has brought up so much, my Dad, my childhood, my heritage (Scottish) all wonderful. No unhappiness or regrets. The priest said in his sermon that grief is love and that resonates with me. I have a lot to be thankful for but I just feel so, so sad.

to you @Soopermum1.
It’s so hard isn’t it? Like you I had a wonderful upbringing and no regrets - I will miss him so much I know but it seems like he’s in hospital or something.

.I’m still at the disbelief stage. Not many tears yet at all. I did have a moment earlier - we shared a love of genealogy and I went to look at Ancestry and had to close it immediately. DH told me off earlier for not letting him help me.

@Soopermum1 @TonyBennsCat
Same I have a lot to be happy for a wonderful child hood and adult memories .. but not enough you shouldn't lose a parent in your twenties I still feel like a child even though I have my own
I'm heartbroken
My lovely mum

I've read some of your stories and they are heartbreaking, my heart goes out to you all. Dad has what could be described as a 'good death' it was expected, we all said our goodbyes and he only had 2 weeks, pain free, between stopping treatment and peacefully slipping away. I know that will give me comfort when the grief eases.

I was brought up in a religious household and I know their faith brought/ brings comfort to my Mum and Dad. I've tried to keep the faith but I find it difficult to believe I'll ever see him again or that he's watching over me. The phrase 'live on in your heart' doesn't mean much to me at the moment. But, my friend sent me a Terry Pratchett quote which resonates for me, so thought I would share it. The last sentence is particularly profound for me

No one is finally dead* until the ripples they cause in the world die away - until the clock he wound winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone's life…is only the core of their actual existence.

@TonyBennsCat yes, I was doing family tree stuff with my Dad - I guess nobody else will care much now.

@Soopermum1 I am not religious but I often find the thought of Pratchett's Death collecting my folks bizarrely comforting in a way. In reality I believe people become part of Nature again because that's certainly true...

Ugh. Had to sign something to do with executing Dad's will and shed a few tears thinking I'll never see him scrawling stuff again. I do have letters and cards he wrote when I was a kid - terrible handwriting!

I kind of wish we'd had more time to prepare for losing him, but TBH (as there was a health scare a while ago and he didn't at that point interact with people in a closer way) it wouldn't have made any difference...

We found the first two pages of my Dad’s handwritten sporting memoirs when we were looking for papers the other day. He led an interesting life and was a great story teller and we were always nagging him to write them down. It looks like he’d been asked to write them by someone else too. I’m hoping there’s more. He had distinctive but terrible writing too.