Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Really feel for you @Picassopilot x
My mum died of the same she was so fit and healthy and just the loveliest woman you could wish to have as your mum or even just know I am so proud she was mine.
Her and my dad went for a walk not unusual, came home laid in the garden and she complained of a bad headache and never complained about feeling unwell she then started throwing up and speech went mumbly dad tried to carry her inside to the shade but she was like a dead weight ambulance came 12 hours later .. gone. And in that time she was unconscious and I have a 17 day old baby- my first and the heartbreak and all the emotions of a new baby and grief is indescribable

@mrssunshinexxx
Oh bless you. Dealing with a death (I find it so hard to write the words death, coffin and died etc ), and a new baby must be so difficult. But your lovely mum will be looking down on you, bursting with pride. You and your lovely baby are her legacy.

My Dad was older and we were lucky we had him for as long as we did, but he was still active and was only digging his garden hours earlier. He was ‘shielding’ due to asthma and was terrified of contracting Covid. Then just as things eased slightly he died anyway. Shock deaths are so hard to get your head round aren’t they?
Mum has had so many cards and every one of them saying what a true gentleman he was.
I know it’s strange, but since he died, I have found myself wishing he’d been an old grump, or not always there for me, not totally devoted to his family - because that way his passing might be easier.
But that’s pretty irrational thinking really.
My mum was asked to try and get my Dad in a position to do CPR if needed but she said the same, he had become a dead weight.
Did you get to say goodbye to your Mum in hospital?
The ward sister was very kind and let three of us be with my Dad. I will be forever grateful to her for that.
How is your Dad?
I really feel for you all.

Please keep telling us about your lovely Mum.

@Picassopilot thank you so much for your message I hope you are doing okay
I feel the same so many people have said to me they have never known a mother and daughter bond so strong and I know in time I will look back and be SO glad we had that but right now I can't help but wish we hadn't been as close because this wouldn't hurt anywhere near as much.
My dad is very up and down but much more often grumpy/ angry/ down but it's still very early days
It felt like the worst time in the world to be having a baby but thankfully she has come along and saved me from going down a horrible road the unconditional love is unexplainable I am so grateful for her but wish my mum had met her but I know she would be proud of me,
Only my dad was allowed to hospital due to Covid and they only let him go in when they were pretty sure she wasn't going to make it so it was horrific as we wanted her to have dad or one of us atleast even though she was unconscious (for when she woke up) but when they rang we knew it meant the worst
Oh I could talk about her forever she was honestly the absolute best mum anyone could wish for she did anything for me always there at the drop of a hat, the kindest funniest most loving selfless person I will ever meet or know x

@mrssunshinexxx
I wrote a whole long message then lost it!

It’s Dads funeral today. I need to keep it ‘together’ as I am reading a tribute !
I saw two white butterflies dancing around my head yesterday. I think it was my Dad and my brother (died 7 years ago in his 40’s ) trying to give us strength for today and saying they are together.

I will come back her tonight or tomorrow to see how you are doing.

Would be good to ‘chat’ to @Foxsakemum @Glitterb @FluffyFluffyClouds @thesuperfluousone and anyone else too

Oh sending you so much strength you are very brave and remember you are allowed to sob and snot the whole way through the funeral and reading
How many is allowed to funeral?
That's so lovely and brings me comfort I think people think I'm crazy as I think my mum has come back as a magpie soon as she died there was one in garden opposite regularly or on the rooftop from my bedroom kept seeing 3 at once too when I was pregnant still and it's 'three for a girl' and when my husband picked me and baby up from hospital discharge and we were driving out the grounds there was 2 magpies just sat there 'two for joy'
And I was having a cry to my neighbour in the garden 2 days ago and one landed on her roof 'one for sorrow' :( I'm probably nuts but it helps x

@Picassopilot might be too late to say, but if you have it written out you can nominate a backup person to carry on reading it out if you dissolve into tears. That's not unusual.
Don't worry too much anyway.

I think I dreamt of Mum last night. When she first died I was very accepting of the fact, she'd been very ill, they couldn't cure her. But now I just feel so so awfully sad that I will never talk to her again.

@FluffyFluffyClouds same although I still haven't accepted she's really gone forever and I have to live more of my life without her than with her

Never see her, hug her smell her lovely smell laugh with her, nothing it's absolutely shit isn't it

Hi, lost my mum last night. It was very sudden and I don't think I've even started to process it yet. She had a long life, a very happy marriage for over 60 years, she had a peaceful, painless passing.

But still it feels unbearable and unliveable that I couldn't tell her again how much I love her, hear her voice, hear her interest and enthusiasm for me and her whole family. She was part of an earlier era that has more or less disappeared now, she carried it round with her in her own 'atmosphere', as did my father, but he passed away over 2 years ago, and with her not here, that whole world that I grew up in has disappeared too.

This is unbearable and inconceivable. I miss my mum so much. My lovely, lovely mum.

Oh @lostandsad1 I don't know what to say other than you are not alone and it sounds as though you had a wonderful relationship
I find the bereavement section on here so helpful and comforting I hope it will help you a tiny bit x

@lostandsad1 I am so sorry.
She was part of an earlier era that has more or less disappeared now

Yes, same with my Mum. Her memories of the 40s, of the tales from her parents and Aunties about the 20s and earlier. We wrote down and recorded bits and bobs and there are photos but basically all the family on her side is gone, it's just me now.

Thank you, @mrssunshinexxx and @FluffyFluffyClouds for listening and your lovely replies. Very sorry for your losses too xx

How are you both now? I saw you've had a new baby, mrssunshine - how is she getting on, and does she help to distract your thoughts into a happier direction?

Fluffy, it's so hard, isn't it? I recorded quite a lot of stuff from both my parents and there was more that's not written down but stories they told, that I was planning to try and put together. I knew my mum would love reading it so much too. And now she won't be able to read it

Thank you @lostandsad1 I was very worried about the baby coming even though prior to mums death she was very much wanted and planned everything changed in that moment it felt like the worst time in the world to be having a baby I was worried I wouldn't bond etc but she is a distraction and I love her so much I wish I hadn't worried about this side of things as we have definitely bonded and being a mummy is amazing I would give my life for hers in a split second but in a lot of ways it's even harder now she's actually here and the reality she will never meet or know the most wonderful grandma in the world. That hurts a lot

It's hard to put into words sometimes I can distract my self but other times it hits me wow I will never ever see you again. All that she was is gone it makes me think what's the purpose ? My mums death has changed me forever

@mrssunshinexxx
I love the magpie story and I absolutely believe that was your Mum bringing you comfort
Dads funeral yesterday was hard but absolutely beautiful. We were allowed 20 people. He was well loved in the village, and, because friends and neighbours from there could’nt come to the service, they all stood at the roadside as the funeral cortège passed by. It was so moving.
@FluffyFluffyClouds Thanks. I did have backup but I managed to read out my tribute although I had to compose myself a couple of times.
We had a socially distanced wake where we had to have the buffet served to us and everything was a one way system but it worked out fine.
Because there were so few people there, myself, my sister and my mum were able to have a nice chat to our nearest relatives.
I’m relieved it’s over as I was dreading it. The worst part for me was when the hearse turned up.
@lostandsad1Sorry you have had to join this thread too.
There are no words really, but I hope you find comfort knowing that we feel your pain.
All you can do is ride the rollercoaster of grief. And remember, tears are the words the heart can’t say.
I am writing this whilst listening to the birds outside but there’s no other sound. It’s all so peaceful and it makes me want to weep.
I struggle with the ‘here one day and the next day - gone’
Knowing I will never see him again feels so surreal.

@Picassopilot I'm glad you managed ok and got to have a good catch up with close relatives
My parents are also from a village where they have lived for 45 yrlears together
Mums funeral was right in the middle of lockdown so we were only allowed 5 people so that was very difficult as there was my dad and me and 2 sisters taking up 4 spaces straight away
We spread the word of the Hearst coming round the 'square' in our little village and we were so overwhelmed when we turned the corner following the Hearst there were around 300 people it was the most moving moment of my life we had the Beatles here comes the sun and the sun was beaming down and everyone started clapping and I'm crying now even just typing that
Can't believe this hand has been dealt to us all we don't deserve it and neither do our parents x

@mrssunshinexxx
Wow!! That made me well up! What a beautiful send off for your lovely Mum.
Aren’t people amazing at finding ways round this new ‘normal’?!
Having only 5 people must have been so difficult for you
Covid has a lot to answer for .
I suspect there will be lots of ‘memorial’ services in the future where people can get to say goodbye properly.

As a family, we have tried to focus on the positives, and we are extremely grateful that we could have 20 people, plus a socially distanced wake afterwards.

I’m so sorry for all of you that had to settle for less

@Picassopilot my mum always used to say she didn't want. A funeral she wanted something whilst she was alive a celebration of her life , she never got that :( but she got her wish of not having a funeral as it wasn't a big funeral but in a lot of ways it was very private and personal but it felt very rushed
At the last minute the vicar let my husband come in so we ended up with 6 I think he felt sorry for me as I was so heavily pregnant then and needed the support

May I join. My dad died this morning (Wednesday). He was 82 and not in the best of health, diabetes, cardiac problems and had been under the weather for the last week or so. DM found him lying on the floor in the early hours, called the ambulance. He was quite lucid and they were preparing to take him to hospital when he had a massive heart attack. They tried to revive him but to no avail.

He was full of life, a real character, passionate about politics and sport to the end. He’d been married to my mum for 59 years.
DS and I saw him last night (Tuesday)and he was ordering me to sort out his lottery ticket and was swearing that he would go to prison rather than pay the TV licence fee for over 75s

I think I must still be in shock as I’m totally focused on the practical side. I’m staying with mum tonight and we’ve shared a bottle of wine and reminisced but I can’t sleep or cry. Wide awake.

@TonyBennsCat so sorry your joining him
The goijng to prison rather than pay the tv license made me smile and not much does at the moment so thank you!
I was completely practical too I think it's the grief and wanting to be strong for surviving parent, the tears/ anger/ disbelief will come im sure x

@TonyBennsCat
I’m sorry you find yourself here too. I’m so sorry for your loss.
My Dad has his 80th birthday in Lockdown, and I’m pretty sure some people must think ‘well he was 80!’
But like your Dad, he was full of life, totally lucid (albeit slightly hard of hearing. And the usual aging problems)
He was still decorating, gardening, running errands for neighbours etc
He wasn’t ready to die.
Like you, I totally went into practical mode, trying to protect my mum and sister from having to do anything.
It was my way of coping.

Your Dads attitude to the tv licence did make me chuckle. He sounds such a character.

I really struggled with immediately having to talk about my Dad in the past tense.
I also struggled with having seen him just two days earlier when he was changing batteries in my grandsons little cars, to be ringing funeral directors 48 hours later.

He died 5 weeks today and in truth, I still haven’t accepted I’ll never see him again.
I have still only had one real episode of crying where I couldn’t stop.
Apart from that, whenever I have started to cry, I have managed to compose myself. Even at the funeral.
I have been on a low dose of medication for anxiety following a traumatic event a year ago so I am wondering if they hold me back.
I feel heartless for not crying much because I loved him so very much and he has left such a huge hole in my life.

Have you started to arrange the funeral yet?
It’s all so surreal isn’t it?
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself over the next few days/weeks.
Just literally take one hour at a time.

Please come back and talk to us

@Picassopilot and @mrssunshinexxx

Thank you both.
That’s exactly how I feel too.

Because he died suddenly at home and the police/coroner have to be involved, I had to organise an undertaker on the spot to take his body away. I went for a local undertaker who came and took him only to find the next morning that he’d paid for a funeral plan with a different undertaker and not mentioned it. So I spent hours on the phone sorting that out, then there seemed to be confusion over who is issuing the death certificate so more time on the phone with coroner/gp/police.

On top of that my SIL took it upon herself to get the tv and broadband put in my mother’s name and disappearing off home leading to the broadband no longer working and then I had to spend two hours on the phone to them last night turning things on and off to try and fix it. They couldn’t so now can’t have to wait for an engineer to come on Saturday. I am spitting. It could have waited. I wanted to spend that time with my mum. And my brother is insisting on painting her kitchen tomorrow. FfS.

@TonyBennsCat

Oh my word!
All of that is added stress that you do not need!
It would’nt have entered my head to paint the kitchen!
And the bills can wait a little while
Maybe, (giving them the benefit of the doubt here!) they just didn’t know how to handle their grief?

How long have you got to wait for the funeral? Are you limited to 20 people?

We had to wait just short of 4 weeks, but to be honest, I don’t know if I could have done it in less!
There seemed to be so much to do. But I am grateful that we didn’t have to pick up certificate from hospital and take it to register death etc. All of that was done over the phone or by email.

How is your Mum?
I feel so sad for our surviving parents.
My Mum says she feels so lost without Dad. That’s something that we just can’t ‘make better’ Isn’t it?

@TonyBennsCat that is really irritating and you are right to feel annoyed but as @Picassopilot says it sounds like they don't know how to cope and are just on autopilot?

@Picassopilot same my heart literally breaks for my dad and I know this must sound awful but if it had been dad that died and mum left she would be coping so much 'better' if that's the word she would be heartbroken don't get me wrong but she is such a glass half full positive life lover and my dad is quite the opposite and has been on anti depressants in the past so I just don't know how things are going to pan out x

Yes, I do think that they feel they have to do something. I managed to talk my brother out of painting the kitchen and set him to tidying the garden. I
No news on the funeral yet. We are able to have up to 20 at the graveside.

NC fail there sorry.

@mrssunshinexxx
Are there any support groups your Dad could join?
I’m sure there are some organisations out there than can help him.

I think if my mum has gone first, my Dad would have closely followed, as he relied on her so much.
Whilst my Mum is devastated at losing Dad, she is the stronger parent. I know she’ll cope.
She (sadly) knows a lot of widows, so I am hoping she will get together with some of them. It always helps to be around people who truly understand your pain.
@TonyBennsCat - I am glad you haven’t got the upheaval of the kitchen being painted this weekend!
Tidying the garden is a much better idea.

My DD messaged me tonight as she found a card for her son’s first birthday that my Dad had written. Why does seeing their writing hurt so much?
Seeing his glasses and hearing aid the other day really upset me too.
It’s the little things isn’t it?