My darling son passed away

[dewisant2020]

I have joined Mumsnet to connect with people who may be in a similar situation as myself.
My DS passed away very recently completely unexpectedly.
Life has been a rollercoaster of emotions ever since, I can't even begin to write down how I feel, I am grieving so badly & days seem so bleak at the moment.
My DS was only 13 and completely healthy, he had his whole life ahead of him and for some reason that's been snatched from him and us.
I miss being his Mum, I miss his smell, his amazing sense of humour, I miss my old life. I wish with all my heart I could turn back time, I am full of so much sorrow and hurt.
I sit here and wonder if I will ever feel happiness again

Well another day and I am FUCKING angry, how can this be happening to me? what the fuck have we done to deserve this? why did my son have to die?
I can't fucking take another minute off feeling like this, PLEASE god help me please!
I am so fed up, so tired, so pissing resentful of people carrying on their normal daily lives without a fucking care in the world.
OOOO please if their is a god come and help me and guide me because I have seriously had a fucking gut full

There are so many feelings that come on and off anger is a huge part of this.

I resented the whole world. I remember after my son died I left the hospital and watched the world going by as normal, and I was so fucking mad, didnt they realise what had happened?

There are no answers as to why unfortunately, it would make this shit so much easier if there was a definitive reason rather than this random crap.

Just do whatever you need to do to get through today, talk to some people, be alone, eat if you can, sleep through it if you can... just whatever you need, and I hope tomorrow is a little more gentle on you

One step at a time. That’s all you can do. What’s one useful thing you can do right now - have a bath, do the washing up, make some toast for you no your daughter.

Anger is totally understandable. What has happened is beyond unfair.

I also think it’s understandable to feel anxious about your daughter, especially at this early stage but just keep an eye on it as time goes on if it’s affecting your life or meaning you stop her doing everyday things.

Thinking of you xx

It’s not fair. It’s fucking unfair. Experiencing this has reinforced my atheism, that there is no ‘grand plan’, just a random events, and all we can do is try to be kind to each other to make life bearable. And at the moment, accept the kindness of others and expect very little of yourself.

Cry, scream, shout. Sleeping tablets helped me a lot. The days were so, so long, I didn’t have the ability to manage more than 6-8 hours of a day. It will get better, it will get easier, you will get stronger. It will take a while.

I found some books helpful in the early days. One is called ‘Bearing the unbearable’ by Joanne Cacciatore. She lost a child and is a grief therapist and it details her coping strategies and examples of other bereaved parents. The main thing I have learnt so far is- it is unbearably painful, it is not fair, grieving a long process, time is not a ‘healer’ but it helps with the raw pain. Your love will not die.

There is a quote about grief coming in waves- something like at the beginning they are 30ft high, they are crashing over you and you feel like you’re drowning. As time passes, they are less high and less fierce and you learn to anticipate them, to ‘ride or surf’ them and you may even welcome them. The grief is love that has no one to receive it here.

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble. I hope it makes some sense. Not that anything makes sense right now x

I have found that on social media when I share memories of my daughter there is lots of 'likes' (understandably) but if I share a glimpse of my feelings there isn't half as much support. People don't understand or want to understand or ignore for their own feelings. Seeking counselling next week.

I am very sorry for your loss. What a terrible thing to happen.
You mention your gp is helpful, have you asked them to refer your daughter for a cardiology review? It would be a good idea to get her checked out as you don't know what happened to Matt.

I'm so so sorry for your awful loss. My goddaughter died a year today. The pain is literally like having your heart ripped out, not being able to breathe, trying to scream but it comes out silently. I honestly don't know how my friend has got through this year. It's early days every emotion you feel is completely ok and normal, keep talking. Xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I’m tearing up reading about your loss of your lovely son.

It’s not the same but I lost my daughter as a baby last year and there is something v wrong about it planning a funeral for a child but I got some comfort from it as it was the last thing I could do as her mother, picking flowers, the wording for a plaque, her clothes... I didn’t know either that the funeral directors don’t charge for a child’s funeral. It’s one of those things you don’t want to have to learn.

I just want to say I’m so sorry. You are strong. Post here as much as you want and for as long as you want. I can imagine what you’re going through but Mumsnet can be so supportive and I hope you find some comfort here. I hope you have real life support from your family and friends too.

I also wanted to say I get the feeling of being angry and wondering why you. Why your son son? I get angry when I see pregnant women smoking or women with newborns in a car seat on the pram (not safe for long periods) etc and think I wouldn’t have done that and yet my baby isn’t here. It is so unfair OP and it’s fine to acknowledge that and wish it wasn’t your son your burying. I hope the funeral goes as well as it can

dewisant2020 hope you and your dd have had a gentle kind of day xx

Thank you all for your kind and heartfelt messages, there are so many that id like to reply to personally but I loose track.
It's also so sad to see how many Mums have had their dear children taken from them early each and everyone off you are an inspiration.
I've had a few days spending precious time with my DS at the funeral home and also spending time with my DD, my DD has been a pillar of strength for me as have all my
friends and family, I didn't realise how loved we all are.
the last couple of days have been extremely tough and at times unbearable, I have had some very dark thoughts where I could have quite easily ended my own life, the only singular thing that has kept me going is my DD.
Today hasn't been quite as bad although not easy by any stretch.
I am going to a parental bereavement support group tomorrow as recommended by my GP and have also been talking to a bereavement councillor from our local hospital which has been a god send.
Anyhow I am soon going to be taking my weary body up to my bed, I am constantly tired at the moment which is also frustrating as I can't seem to get anything done xxx

I am so sorry for your terribly sad loss. Wishing you a restful night and comfort x

I am so sorry to hear about your son's passing. No parent should ever have to go through what you are facing. I haven't lost a child, but when my mum died I had days when I was angry. I still sometimes get angry now and sometimes angry with her for dying, which makes no sense, but is apparently very common. Hope you get some rest tonight. I will keep Matt in my prayers. Take care OP.

Well done for surviving today. Hope the support group goes well tomorrow. 💐💐

Losing a child is the worse pain imaginable.
Take care of yourself.

In tears reading this op. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Life really is cruel. Words can never be enough, but I want you to know I’m thinking about you 💐

You are incredibly brave. Be kind to yourself OP

Well today I went to my local parent bereavement support group which was actually very constructive and positive, I never really knew how many people are in the same situation as me (I guess it's not something you think off unless your going through it)
There where people there who have recently lost their children and people who lost their children many years ago so lots of experience within the group.
The main thing I learnt today is to not be so hard on myself, to take each emotion as it comes and work out a plan to get through it.
I never realised how dark my mind can actually be until recently and I hope to never feel like that again as long as I shall live.
Every emotion I have felt since the loss of my son is normal and a natural emotion to grief which in a strange way helps to know.
I haven't been to see my DS today as I didn't feel like it would benefit me today and I feel a little guilty for that but I am going to own that emotion and ride it out.
I have managed to clean up downstairs and my friend is doing some food shopping for me and my DD this evening after she finishes work which is very much appreciated.
I have every intention of somehow getting through this period and yearn for better days ahead xxx

You're incredible OP. I'm
Glad you've found some support. Awful to realise so many people are living with similar tragedy but they will have true understanding of what you're going through.
Please don't feel guilty for not visiting your DS today. You're clearly very in touch with your thoughts and feelings and are using this to your advantage. Today you made decisions that were right for you today. And another day is nearly over. Well done to you for making it through. I hope your DD brings you some joy when she comes home.

Life is so unfair, there are no words sometimes. We lost my DB as a teenager to SADs and it's still a life defining moment for me, my siblings and my parents. It has never become easier, but somehow became less raw. There is a great community at CRY (cardiac risk in the young) of people who have been through similar. In time, maybe it would be helpful to connect with other mums who have lost children in such sudden and tragic circumstances, and for your DD to connect with other siblings who have been through the same.

I’m so sorry to read your story. I lost my 15 year old daughter 10 months ago. It was tragic and sudden. I will never get over it but what I have learned is that grief comes in waves. I think of it as if I’m clinging to some flotsam after having been shipwrecked. Some days/hours the sea is calmer and it’s easier to keep my head above the water. Then a storm comes and the waves are crashing over my head and I don’t know if I will survive. And then the storm passes. Sometimes it’s days or weeks before it passes. But it does pass because I have to survive for my other child.
There have been many times when I have seriously considered taking my own life to go and find my daughter. I worry about her on her own. But something stops me. And that is my son. He has lost his sister and could not face loosing his mum. I found that taking Sertraline helps. It doesn’t make it go away but it helps to cope with those dark feelings.
I try to concentrate on my mantra which is “accept what you cannot change”. And for all the times I reproach myself over what happened I know that my daughter would not want me to live my life in devastation. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. If you feel like staying in bed watching tv do it. If you feel like going out, do it. Some days you just have to get through best you can.
Like mine, your life has taken a new, unwanted path on a journey we did not want to take. We will never understand why. But we must endure it.
I wish you strength for the days ahead. Take all the support you are offered. You are not alone.

Oh and just a thought. Soon after I lost my daughter I set up a memory jar for us, her family, to write little memories of her to keep to read in the future. I knew I would never forget the big things but I was worried I’d forget the little things, the things that made her who she was. So I write little memories like things she said, or what she always had for breakfast, or how deep her voice was. It helps me keep connected to her and it’s about forging a new bond with her even though she’s not here. Just an idea for you.

OP how did you find your bereavement group? Looking at doing something myself. Getting back to work has kept my mind busy whilst there.

I know your heartache it's my sons months mind on 2nd March he got knocked down and killed on Sunday 2nd February and it's not getting any easier my heart is totally broken he was my baby he was 14 years old full of life always smiling just loved life. His only other sibling his big sister celebrated her 18th birthday (well tried to) 2 weeks after he died I was totally devasted for her she just couldn't do it. Still waiting for someone to wake me up from a bad dream 💔😢

Sorry for your loss too Fifi