Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My darling son passed away

260 replies

dewisant2020 · 18/02/2020 03:16

I have joined Mumsnet to connect with people who may be in a similar situation as myself.
My DS passed away very recently completely unexpectedly.
Life has been a rollercoaster of emotions ever since, I can't even begin to write down how I feel, I am grieving so badly & days seem so bleak at the moment.
My DS was only 13 and completely healthy, he had his whole life ahead of him and for some reason that's been snatched from him and us.
I miss being his Mum, I miss his smell, his amazing sense of humour, I miss my old life. I wish with all my heart I could turn back time, I am full of so much sorrow and hurt.
I sit here and wonder if I will ever feel happiness again

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 18/02/2020 06:38

I am so very sorry.

My heart goes out to you.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/02/2020 06:39

I’m really glad you joined and I hope you find some comfort here.

I think you will find happiness again because your darling boy would want you to but it will be a different kind of happiness. Please remember being happy doesn’t diminish your love for him and sadness at losing him.

Wishing you peace
Please keep posting if you find it helps

Toomboom · 18/02/2020 06:44

I am so terribly sorry for your loss, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Sending virtual hugs xx

Millettmum · 18/02/2020 06:46

I'm so sorry. Thanks

I'm also in your shoes I lost my 13 year old daughter last month but due to cancer which she first got diagnosed with in 2016 and relapsed twice.

Heartbreak doesn't describe the grief, it's like nothing else. Losing grandparents has nothing on this as it is a constant pain, constant reminders. No parent should outlive their child.

I find it hard to talk about her but at the same time i still want to refer to her. I was open about my feelings to start with but now find I'm slumping into myself by grieving alone so I'm not burdening my family when they are taking steps to move on.

When at home I have to distract myself with tv or the overthinking is unreal, got through a few box sets.

No one can imagine what we're going through. I knew it was coming so tried to get my head around it but when it happens the pain is unreal, even writing this is torture. It's normal to feel all the different emotions and not know how to process them.

She was my only child (I do have a dss who's five and comes at the weekends) and I absolutely dreading Mother's Day because I no longer feel like a mum even though people say I'm still her mother but I feel empty. There's days where I feel I can no longer go on without her it's horrendous but in October I found out that I was pregnant and trying to keep going and thinking about that. She was so excited to be a big sister Sad. I think my grief is dulling my emotions towards new baby, just hoping as I progress (currently 20weeks) that it gets stronger.

I'm sorry if this has made you worse, just wanted to relate to you with what you'll be feeling.

Are you back at work yet?

Spidey66 · 18/02/2020 06:46

Sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine your pain xx

JosephineTheFlip · 18/02/2020 07:02

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can’t really find words of comfort because it’s just too enormous a pain to imagine. Just take each minute, day as it comes, nothing you feel now is ‘wrong’. Take care x

JosephineTheFlip · 18/02/2020 07:05

Flowers Millettmum, Jaichangecentfoisdenom, Poppyisa sorry for your losses. It is brave and kind of you to post.

WineIsMyCarb · 18/02/2020 07:07

I'm so sorry OP, and also to those others who have lost children. There are no words Flowers

IamHyouweegobshite · 18/02/2020 07:13

This is so sad, I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. Last year two friends both lost a child, my best friend lost her 18 year old dd to cancer, and my other friend lost her 13 year old dd. It's horrendous. Please talk about your boy, to friends, family and on here. Flowers

gavisconismyfriend · 18/02/2020 07:54

So so sorry for your loss. Do tell us about him, if it would help

PixieDustt · 18/02/2020 07:57

I am so sorry Thanks

Progress2019 · 18/02/2020 08:10

Im so so sorry for your loss, and the other posters who have been through similar. I don't know what else to say, but I'm really sorry

Mummacake · 18/02/2020 08:18

So very sorry for your great loss. There are no words to express the pain you are feeling. Please tell us about your beautiful boy x

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/02/2020 08:24

I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel right now. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. To anyone. It’s not fair.

Do what you need to do to grieve for him. There is no right way. Flowers

biggirlknickers · 18/02/2020 08:27

So sorry for you and your lovely boy Flowers

Roselilly36 · 18/02/2020 08:32

There are no words, I am so, so, sorry for the loss of your son, my lovely friend lost her beautiful child a few years back, it is beyond pain.

Original poster
dewisant2020 · 18/02/2020 08:58

Thank you all for your kind messages of support, today we are off to the funeral directors to visit my DS, a mixed bag of emotions but something I must do.
My DS was released from the coroners office last week and this week I have to go to register his death (life is so cruel) in order to go ahead with his funeral.

I am taking each minute as it comes for now, my emotions change so fast and so dramatically it scares me at times.
I was laying in bed last night and for the first time since this awful nightmare as happened it hit home that I will never see my DS alive again, I had a panic attack and couldn't catch my breath for crying.

I know it sounds awful but I wish this happened to someone else and not me, I don't think I deserve this, i've always helped people, worked and been honest & this is the thanks I get.
I'm so fucking angry with the cards that have been dealt for me, it's almost like i've been given a death sentence.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 18/02/2020 10:50

I know it sounds awful but I wish this happened to someone else and not me,

This is NOT awful. This is completely normal. Please, please believe that you are not a terrible person for wishing this. You would be abnormal if you did not think this, please don’t add any guilt to yourself on top of everything else.

Original poster
dewisant2020 · 18/02/2020 14:12

Well I went and visited DS in the funeral home this afternoon, absolutely knocked the stuffing out off me.
It felt so good to see him but so wrong to see him, I wish it was me laying in that coffin and not my darling boy.
The funeral director was really really lovely and so very supportive in what was a hugely distressing time for me.
I had a good chat with Mum today and realised that it's not just me grieving but the whole family and somehow that provided the smallest amount of comfort knowing I am not on my own in all this.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but taking a small amount of time out off my day and writing this all down is also helping (at least temporarily)
I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow who i'm hoping will prescribe something to help me sleep for a few hours.
I made the appointment with the registrar to register my sons death, 2.30pm on Friday not something I am looking forward too but it needs to be done.
I actually had a little laugh today and straight away I felt ridden with guilt, laughing at a time like this somehow doesn't feel appropriate.
Any how i'm signing off now for a bit, I need to shower for the first time in a week and I may attempt to load the dishwasher (house work has been a very low priority and quite frankly just the thought off it drains me)

OP posts:
z0fl0ra · 18/02/2020 14:23

Oh OP I’m so so sorry for your loss, your darling son sounds so lovely and so do you, I hope your family can help you get through this Flowers

PhoneTwattery · 18/02/2020 14:29

Your thoughts and feelings are as normal as they can be in what must feel like the least normal you have ever felt in your life.

I can’t begin to imagine what today must have been like for you but please give yourself enormous credit for being there for your boy. Maybe the brief laugh you had was a thank you from him?

There’s nothing I can personally do to help you but I’ve thought about you a lot today and hoped you’d find the strength to get through x

RhodaCamel · 18/02/2020 14:31

So, so sorry for your awful loss, absolutely heartbreaking Flowers

Millettmum · 18/02/2020 15:49

We was lucky to take my dd to a hospice when she passed away until it was her funeral to get that extra time with her

Pineappletree33 · 18/02/2020 15:50

I’m very sorry for your loss. How terrible Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2020 15:57

Poppyisa, Milletmum
Flowers thank you for sharing with dewisant. Your stories are heartbreaking.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.