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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Oh my god ... Help me please I don't know what to do!!!

679 replies

Mummy2TandF · 29/08/2007 09:48

my dh went fishing last night and at 11:30pm I had a knock on the door from the police .... My dh has been found dead on a footpath at the lake They think it was a massive heart attack, a stroke or a blood clot but will do a PM tomorrow, I don't know what to do, I have my family here with me but it is easier to talk on here How do I tell my dc's? WHAT do I tell my dc's - they are only 2.9 and 10 months Will they understand, what are they going to do without their daddy? How will I get through the days without my dh? I know we argued etc but I really, really, loved him and now he is gone Help please

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Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 14/09/2007 21:59

Waynetta - I have said that I would prefer one set of visitors at a time, so I can spread them out but I think a lot of them are quite nervous of coming on thier own incase I break down on them - Also, they all do have thier own husbands and dc's, so the evenings are important to them as a family, even more so after this. Also, my mum keeps telling people that I need time on my own because I can't become dependant on company and have to learn to be on my own

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NurseyJo · 14/09/2007 22:03

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Doodledootoo · 14/09/2007 22:04

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Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 14/09/2007 22:06

I know that this will all filter out eventually and I will have to be on my own but I really don't want to be at the moment My mind is going into overdrive and everything seems so much more overwhelming when I am alone - Mind you, I have never really been very good with my own company

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Doodledootoo · 14/09/2007 22:11

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basl · 14/09/2007 22:15

Hiya, i have kept reading and think you are doing an amazing job looking after your children, hope you take time to look after yourself as well. Just a little suggestion. My nephews made a memory box for there mum and kept little bits and pieces that they felt they would like to keep and made pictures etc inside and i know they have look inside when they are feeling down. There mum is due a birthday soon and they have made a little patch in the garden to plant a flower as we feel it is so important to talk about their mum and remember. Please take care and remember you will look after the children best if you look after yourself. xxx

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 22:21

Tell your mum you really need company right now. Can she not spend the evenings with you? Stay the night even ?

DoctorAficionadoDelArse · 14/09/2007 22:46

So sorry Mummy but I've only just found out your tragic news.

I have sobbed reading your posts. I lost my first husband 11 years ago when DD was 1. I can't begin to tell you how we survived the pain you are feeling right now, only that we did survive and life is good again.

Our financial situation was very much like yours but we came through by hook or by crook.

I'm sorry to not be offering you any propper advice. All I can remember from the initial period of my DHs death is like you being totally unable to sleep or eat. I very quickly became very run down and ill. Please try to take care of yourself.

Sending you all my love and hugs to you and you little ones.

grannyslippers · 15/09/2007 00:17

Mummy2T&F

I had only just seen your thread but feel so much for you. My DH's best friend died suddenly last year, I was just on the phone to his wife tonight and it really is not funny but the positives in life do start coming back eventually.

There is some good advice about being widowed young on MerryWidow that might help a bit. it covers both practical things and how to survice emotionally too.

so sad for you hope you get through tomorrow OK.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 15/09/2007 08:40

Well I got to bed at 3:00am last night and the dc's were up at 6:45, so again I feel tired but I haven't slept properly since it happened, so am sort of running on auotpilot. I have got 3 cameras here with film in and I really want to get them developed but I know the man in the photo shop and it means firstly going out and secondly having to tell him I am feeling sick at the thought of it .... I also found a picture that I took on the digital camera from our day at LegoLand, it is Toby and Craig on a ride together but it is a bit to one side of the oicture (because they were moving and I couldn't get it in the middle) Do you think the photo shop will be able to do anything with it? I would like that one framed and on the wall

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ScoobyDooooo · 15/09/2007 08:44

M2T&F - I feel so sad reading your posts because your hurt, pain & lonelyness is coming through at such a tragic time, i am so so sorry you are going through this & your Dc, we are all here for you if you ever need to talk.

My thoughts are with you & your children ((((hugs)))

DutchOma · 15/09/2007 11:07

Sweetheart, In all your posts it shines through that you think you shouldn't be upset.
I know that is partly the doing of your parents who keep telling you to 'cheer up' or 'to get used to being on your own' but that just shows they really don't understand.
People like GGG and others who have lost loved ones would encourage you to grieve.
As for the man in the photoshop, like all of us he will only be too pleased to help.
You are coping very well with the grief, but to have to cope with the feeling that you shouldn't grieve is just too much.
There are people who really know what it is like to have been through what you are going through now, you need to listen to them, rather than to your Mum and Dad, much as they have your best interests at heart. They haven't been through it.
I'm sorry to hear you didn't sleep well again and that you haven't slept properly for such a long time.

Wisteria · 15/09/2007 11:12

M2T&F - photoshop would definitely be able to do something, but a clever MNetter may be able to do it for free for you. My bro could do it if no one you know/ someone you feel you can email piccie to comes along.

Have you got something to help you sleep?
I can recommend Amitriptylin in a low dose as it doesn't leave you groggy in the morning and you can still wake up for lo's if needed.

I think it's paramount that you eat 3 times a day even if you really don't want to, you have to keep strong for the dcs and they will pull you through this.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 15/09/2007 11:22

I have Toby's doctors appt on Wednesday to have him referred for heart checks etc and have also booked myself in to see if I can get something to help me sleep, you are right though, my worry is not to wake up for the dc's in the night if they need me. I have just called Craigs mum, I haven't heard from her since Saturday when we went to the lake to scatter Craig's ashes and I asked if she could come up to us next week at all to see the dc's - she said that she doesn't know what she has planned but would let me know .... I really hope that she does make the effort, I would hate for them to lose their Nan and Grandad as well - My mum has just phoned, she is on her way over to take me into town, I really want to brave the photo shop because I want the photo up also and envelpoe arrived from LittleLapin this morning with some cheques in from kind Mnetters, so I have to pay thoses in.... am already feeling sick at the thought of going out but I think Toby needs it, he is soooo subdued bless him

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littlelapin · 15/09/2007 11:24

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Wisteria · 15/09/2007 11:35

So you have that worry on top of everything else - My friend had to have her dcs checked for heart complaints as well - must be terrifying for you.

I don't think there are any real words of comfort at a time like this, but just to say that no matter how bad it gets for you everyone here will help, you just have to tell us what to do (if there is anything) and know that we won't cross the road rather than be confronted with your pain or be afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm not sure if you have experienced that yet but it was one of the things that upset my friend the most. Her point was that she would rather hear the 'wrong' thing than be ignored.

I think that it is very important that your lo's keep their relationship with their grandparents strong, they have just lost their son which must be terribly hard and it is possible that seeing the children is just so raw for them at present, I'm sure they will come round as long as you keep the channels open for them.

You sound as though you are running around making sure everyone else is ok, worrying about all their feelings. Do you think you might benefit from some bereavement counselling? Cruse are very good. I know my friend wishes she had taken it sooner.
Feeling for you and glad you are going to try and go out, I think it will do Toby good to get out.

grannyslippers · 15/09/2007 17:23

I just wanted to add that my friend when bereaved last year, had meals brought round by various friends, for nearly 6 months in the end. she had a family of hungry school age children rather than toddlers. Another friend co-ordinated it so that she didn't have to worry about cooking when she had no heart for it (and not much money to go to tesco either).

If a few people have said "can I do anything to help" you might suggest that, they will be only too happy to help, most people are really very kind. You feel so helpless in these situations its a privilege to be able to do something practical to help.

WaynettaVonSlob · 15/09/2007 17:24

How's today going?

mummypoppins · 15/09/2007 17:57

hey mummy2t and F have just sobbed reading this...........I am so so sorry for you.

My Father died at 36 5 days before Christmas in 1979...............of................Marfans. We have it in our family. My sister and I are ok but my brother has it. Hhe is 33 and about to become a dad. He is also a doctor and is regularly reviewd and tested. The national centre of excellence is St Mary's Paddington so you are in the right part of the country. It is not curable but manageable so getting Toby looked at is crucial.If it would help to speak with my brother let me know.

I am also a solicitor that deals with probate so if I can help completely free of charge please let me know and I will send my email address.

BIG HUGS XXXXX

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 15/09/2007 23:12

The cooking idea would actually be a great one - I have no appitite myself and really have to push myself to cook for the dc's , one neighbour did bring a casserole the day it happened and another brought macaroni cheese the other day, which were much appreciated. You are right my motivation is to get up in the morning and get through the day - not really for cooking
mummypoppins - I am sorry if this thread has upset you, I don't know if I cou8ld actually talk to your brother but maybe an email chat? It would be very interesting to "speak" to him. If you don't mind me asking - did you know your Dad had Marfans before he died?, thank you so much for posting.
I did manage to go into town today, but I had to run out of the photo shop as the man started to ask why Craig hadn't taken the film out of his camera (I had to take the whole camera because I didn't know how to get the film out) - My mum had to tell him But he did manage to do something with my picture, thanks littlelapin for your offer - I still might have to take you up on it - although he has centered Toby and Craig, the picture now seems blurred and the colours aren't the same

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fransmom · 15/09/2007 23:14

(((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))

moodlumthehoodlum · 16/09/2007 17:34

Mummy2T&F - if you haven't got the picture sorted let me know, I can easily do something that would make it better.

Hope you're doing alright.

littlelapin · 16/09/2007 17:39

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ManxMum · 16/09/2007 18:21

Craig must have been sooo loved from what I am reading.

''If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane,
I would walk right up to heaven and bring you home again''

xxxx

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 16/09/2007 19:45

Bump for mummypoppins

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