DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

[Crazyladee]

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

crazyladee I am so sorry for your loss, that is truly horrific.

I will be thinking of you today, wishing you the strength to get through this most awful of times💐💐

This may not be the right time to say this but you have every right to be angry with mental health services. Please try www.inquest.org.uk/our-services they may be able to support you. They are a charity that provide support to families of those who died while under the care of the state.

Thinking of you today & sending all my love to you & your family xxx

Hope today reminds you how much he meant to everyone else, and that sharing all the positives helps your pain.
Thinking of your family today.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. My heart goes out to you xx

I really don’t know what to say but I feel your pain & wish u the best xx

This is so so desperately sad. I couldn’t be more sorry for the loss of your lovely boy .

Thinking of you and your lovely boy ❤️

. Thinking of you today.

Sending love.

Thinking of you and your family

Thinking of you and your family today. Hope you got through it ok. ❤️😘

I hope you managed a nice send off today, one that showed how loved and special he was, one that brings you a spec of comfort in future times.
Sending love.

Well we've got through the funeral.

I didnt cry once.. I remained dry eyed following the hearse and commented on the heavy traffic and Xmas lights through the town. I sat and listened to the eulogy and songs we had chosen which were his favourite. I even stood up on the podium and read out a three page tribute to him with my sobbing DH at my side. He was unable to get through his. I half smiled at everyone crying and remained totally dry eyed.

What I didnt tell anyone was that I had googled what the safest maximum dose of diazapram was in 24 hours and that morning went for it. I didn't want to be the sobbing mess that I was at my Nans funeral 2 years ago.

Or the sobbing mess I have been everyday for the past 2 weeks.

There was a huge dam being plugged. The strangest feeling being emotionless at my sons funeral.

But the dam burst later during the wake where I was found sobbing in the ladies toilets. I suppose the medication had started to wear off. At least I was over the important part.

Reflecting on everything later, DH and I both said that we feel that we have got over a huge hurdle.
But neither of us feel ready to be over a huge hurdle if that makes sense?
I still wake everyday and the first thing that enters my head is "I can't believe he's gone"

It's Xmas Eve and I haven't got the slightest bit of interest in Xmas, food, presents. Because of my operation, I got 95% of my Xmas shopping done and wrapped in November. I have no idea if I have missed anyone out. It sounds awful but I dont care.
Luckily, we are not hosting anything. We will be turning up empty handed on Xmas day at my sisters and then taking ourselves off to PIL on Boxing Day. I won't need to lift a finger.
Im so blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Your son was blessed to have such a strong mum. You have managed to get through one of the worst days you will experience, albeit with a bit of help - and understandably so. And understandably it isn’t a surprise that you finally let your emotions free later in the day.

Now is the time to let your wonderful family take care of your family. Christmas isn’t important. Presents aren’t important. Allow yourself to be enveloped in their love and to take the helm.

I’m sorry. I really don’t have words to make your pain lessen. I never know what to say to someone experiencing such sadness.

But I’m thinking of you and your family this christmas. And of your boy.

Thank you @numbersstation

Today I've experienced what I can only describe as a "crash" after taking 6 x 2mg diazepam throughout the day yesterday for the funeral. To get me through it. And today ive just had the one. I've spent the whole day sobbing in pyjamas.

I have to be careful as my GP has told me that they are so addictive there will absolutely be no more prescribed. She was even very reluctant to prescribe me any at all. Before yesterday I was just taking one or maybe two a day. Some days none.

To top it off, I've gone straight into surgical menopause as I had a full hysterectomy two weeks before he died so I'm also on HRT.

Just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I've gone to bed for an early night. As per usual.

Sorry for such a sombre post on Xmas eve.

Thinking of you tonight and onwards.

I’m so so sorry for your indescribable loss. So sorry you have to cope with this whilst going through the surgical meno too. My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry and hope somewhere soon there is some peace for you xxx

Don’t ever be sorry for feeling how you feel @Crazyladee

Not only are you feeling overwhelming grief, and the aftermath of an operation that rocks most women, you are having a wee bit of a comedown to boot.

You did what you did to get through the saddest of days and I bet many of us would have done likewise.

I also bet that the majority of us would also be sobbing in our jammies. You have to grieve my lovely. Your hormones will also be all over the place. Your world is not an easy world to be in at the moment and the sanctuary of sleep must be inviting.

We are here for you. I can’t pretend that I’ve experienced a loss such as yours, though I’ve known loss. You do whatever it is your body is telling you to do. If you need sleep then sleep. If you need to curl up and cry, then do. If you want to scream at the unfairness of it, then scream.

I can’t make it better for you lovely, much as I wish I’d a magic wand to bring happiness back to you. But I can be here with a fat little hand hold across the miles. x

I didn’t want to read and not message. I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family. I wish there were words to make this better but they’re are not.

I’m sure no one cares about presents at the moment, lean on your family, that’s what they’re there for. Take care of you, your DH and DS xx

Hi OP, I haven't posted before but I've been reading your thread and thinking of you. I don't think life gets any tougher than what you've been through and are still going through, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I'm so, so sorry. I will light a candle for you tonight and will be thinking of you and your DH tomorrow

Hi OP hope you are managing to get some sleep right now. I have no experience or wise words and can only send my thoughts, and you and your DH and both your dear sons are in them.

Sending love OP. I can't even imagine.

I tried to take my own life recently. In the week after I read your posts and it did really change the way I thought.

Thank you

I've just found your thread OP. I'm so so sorry, what you are going through must be utterly horrific.

I'll be thinking of you all.

Sending you love. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have family to be with you at such an awful time.