DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

[Crazyladee]

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

Why oh why do my posts come out as a jumbled mass of text when I carefully put so many paragraphs in?

OP I have been following your posts. I could have written each one myself. 8 months ago my beautiful daughter took her own life. She was 15.

I wish I could say something to help you but we both know there are no words to take away our pain. I have been taking Sertraline for the last 6 weeks. It has helped. I also take a sleeping tablet. Prior to taking the Sertraline every day was so desperately bleak. I too have another son and I need to be here for him. The Sertraline has helped me cope better. There is no pill that will take away your grief but it might help you cope with the grief better.

I know exactly what you mean about the panic wrt your other son. When something like what has happened to us happens it changes everything. It’s like someone has pulled a rug out from under us. If my son doesn’t answer his phone or he isn’t where I expect I have to fight down the feelings of panic. I feel very vulnerable when I think about my other child. I am so afraid in case something happens to him. He’s all I’ve got.

Just know you are not alone. I am walking with you every step of the way.

I don't know if you ever listen to podcasts at all but I find Cariad Lloyd's podcast called Griefcast helpful. I like listening to other people who have experienced grief and who are in different phases talk about it. Usually the guests are comedians so there is some lightness/humour amongst the grief. It may not be for you but I find it helpful sometimes. I didn't realise the panic I feel when the phone rings or someone is 5 mins late is because of grief I experienced and sudden loss. Listening to the podcast helped me because for the first time I realised other people feel that way too and it's part of grief. Go easy on yourself, you're doing okay.

Just found out that we are burying his ashes at the cemetery on Thursday. 😢

DH has been sorting out the headstone. They've emailed us an exact image of how it will look complete with all the lettering. I saw it and burst into tears.

Still can't believe he's gone 😢

Of course you burst into tears my sweet. It is something that you should never have had to read in a fair and just world.

I’m sorry he chose to leave this world. I remember Jonny Kennedy saying that his own broken wee body was just a shell.

Your son’s ‘shell’ is now gone but his spirit is with you, deep inside your heart. He will be with you always.

I’ll be thinking of you on Thursday.

So sad for you. Please don't blame yourself - he knew he was loved and this was his choice. Take comfort from the fact he is no longer suffering

DS saw his counsellor yesterday. DS is grieving very differently to me. He says he doesn't feel sad anymore, has barely shed any tears and has picked himself up right from day one and, as long as he's distracted with things, seems very unaffected with it all. He's confided to me he doesn't feel normal as he and DS1 were best friends and very close. His counsellor has said to me he has suffered a trauma so his brain is in protection mode. She said if his grief doesn't come out in 2 months time, he could be suffering with PTSD. If thats the case it could open a lot of doors in terms of medication and counselling. But only when he's 18 years old in July. Up to then, there's nothing available on the NHS.

Everybody grieves differently and having a delayed response isn't that unusual. When my DH's sister was killed he was upset at first, then he wasn't - he got on with things. Six months later on her birthday he crashed and grief hit him hard, it took time but life has gone on (albeit very different to how it would have done).

What I find truly appalling is that there's no trauma/PTSD therapy available until 18, you have a boy whose brother died as a consequence of MH treatment failures and yet again MH treatment wouldn't be available if needed. I'm not surprised, but I am disgusted.

Thinking of you and your family

@DevastatedandDistraught

Well we buried his ashes today. Today was more emotional for me than the funeral. Probably because I decided I didn't need to be medicated up to the eyeballs like I was for the funeral.

There was an official there from the council, my DH, DS2, my parents and my sister.

So upsetting to see my son reduced to a bag of ashes 😢

We went back to my parents afterwards for lunch.

My Dad came out with an absolute corker today in terms of what would be the most inappropriate comment in the world to say to a newly grieving mother. Strange as he normally doesn't say much and when he does, it's gentle and wise. I've lost over a stone in weight since he died and I suppose I look gaunt.

When I refused a second ham roll and said I don't have much of an appetite these days, my Dad said "Right... Enough now.. Its all done with now... Finished. Time to move on"

I was speechless.

DH was shocked and then pointed out that its going to take years and years for us to recover. And even then there will be no moving on.. Its adapting. I know my Dad would be heartbroken knowing I've written this about him but I was so hurt. 😢

Thinking of you Crazyladee. you have a long hard road ahead of you ... adapting .. as you say. If it is any consolation my aunt whose child died by suicide said to me years later "you think you can't survive at the time but you can survive anything as long as you have another person you love - another child especially"

People say weird things in these situations and your dad is probably desperately grieving himself and desperately worried about you too. Hard on you though.

thinking of you so much.

Oh Crazyladee - I just stumbled across this thread. I am so, so sorry. You were a great support to me on the hysterectomy thread in November, and I'm desperately sad to read about you losing your lovely DS.

I can't offer much advice, just a virtual hug. And please don't be hurt by your DDad's comments - it sounds like a clumsy attempt at a "stiff upper lip". No doubt he's grieving too, just in a different way to you.

I'm thinking of you.

Just to say I’ve also heard comments like this. The people saying it mean well it’s just that, well, how can I put this, your grief makes others feel uncomfortable and lots of (particularly men) are used to being able to solve problems and make things right and this is their way of doing that. I have come to realise that if you have no experience of these matters you can’t help, no matter how well meaning you are, but it doesn’t stop you having an opinion, however wrong it may be. They mean well even if it does sound clumsy. I think that’s what I’m trying to say.

I am 8 months on from you OP. That doesn’t make me an expert but what I will say is that I would hate to be back where you are. You are truly in the thick of it. It’s awful. Time eases the rawness but unfortunately it doesn’t help with the emptiness.

I have two thoughts which I keep coming back to. One is : Accept what you cannot change and the other is :You have got through all the terrible days so far. You will get through this one.

Your son’s love will never leave you.

A relative of DH said to me words along the lines of:
"You have 2 other children. Forget about DS1"
I was speechless.
This was about a year after DS1 died.

I can’t add anything useful. But friends my mines daughter died in similar circumstances last year after her death they found papyrus-uk.org/hopelineuk/

Maybe of some use to DS2 or others.

Sorry for your loss.

Oh Crazylaydee, that must’ve been like a slap, especially after such an emotional day. I suspect your dad is really worried about you though, and is probably now regretting his remark immensely.

I'm sorry for what your dad said. Really insensitive and as your Dh said this will take years. If only it was as quick to heal as that hey. 

Also @DevastatedandDistraught for you too xx

Having a very bad weekend at the moment. Nothing in particular has triggered it.

Just don't know what to do with myself. Can't bear going out.. Can't bear staying in. Haven't got the energy or motivation to do anything other than managing to drag myself in the shower.

Had a couple of sessions of counselling. Spent both sessions crying like a baby for an hour whilst the counsellor said very little, sat and watched and handed me tissues. Then I handed over £45 each time.

People are texting me almost daily asking how i am. What do they honestly expect? The answer is not going to change!!

I think you can only get through it 5 minutes at a time. A friend whose daughter died age 19 told me that she went back to work because if she was dealing with something complex she was forced to stop thinking about her daughter for at least a couple of minutes. thinking of you.

You're doing so well just getting up in the morning. I don't have anything useful to add - just sending you love and strength.

So sorry for your loss. My brother 31 took his life 2 yrs ago, December 8th, long dark nights play there part. He had depression, hardly slept, lost interest in life. 2yrs on our whole family is 'almost' back to normal. First year is horrendous, second year is better. It will of course always stay with you but it does get better. Sending love

As others have said, nothing more to add, just sending continued love and strength. X

I’m still struggling to find proper words too.

But I can feel your pain from the words you write. I’m thinking of you

I also just want to say im so truly sorry for your loss. Another person out there thinking of you and your dear son xx

I am so sorry this has happened x

I feel for you OP. The days seem so long and empty. I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything. I try to sleep as much as I can (for the peace, to fill in the time and because I am so tired) but also I make sure I go out to walk the dog each day. Most days I just feel like I’m an empty shell going through the motions. I feel unrecognisable from the person I was a year ago. That person has gone, died with my child.

When people text me and I don’t have the energy to engage I just send a “X” or a brief “thanks for asking” back as confirmation of their text. It’s always very kind when people ask so I don’t want their text to go unanswered but haven’t much to say. I hope they understand.

I had a couple of sessions counselling. It didn’t help. Each time, like you I sat and cried and came out feeling worse than when I went in, whilst the counsellor just sat there not really saying much. I didn’t need to off load, I have lovely friends for that but I would have liked some strategies on how to deal, with the pain and the guilt I feel. Maybe in the future I will find a counsellor I click with but at the moment it’s not for me. And that’s fine. It’s not for everyone. Do what’s right for you as and when you need it. I downloaded a book called “The Unspeakable Loss” by Nisha Zenoff which I have found as cathartic as much as anything so far.

Don’t allow yourself to think too far ahead. It’s too scary. As previous pastors have said, just one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

Someone once said “You’ve got through every awful day so far; you’ll get through this one”. I have found this very useful to bear in mind. X