DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

[Crazyladee]

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

What you may find is that as time goes on, you'll be able to let go of the concrete reminders more, and the memories and emotional reminders will keep you going.
Today, I was clearing out my loft and came across a bag of clothes that my father was wearing the day he was admitted to hospital, a week before he died (a month before Christmas 4 years ago) and I've never been able to even open the bag. Today, I opened it, sorted it out, kept his belt, mobile phone, wallet and took the remainder to the recycling centre. I wept whilst doing this, but at the same time it gave me a little bit more closure.
It takes baby steps to deal with the awfulness of grief. One day you will be at peace. 🌺

Thinking of you today OP. No wise words - just thoughts from another parent.

Also thinking about you today @Crazyladee
The journal you've started writing to your son is such a good idea. It will help & comfort you enormously & also give you a safe place to work with/against/through the complete rollercoaster of emotions that are swamping you.

I totally get the 'rubbing his fingerprints away' thought, but I echo what Mine says You won't rub him away - he will always be in your head and in your heart.

Have you heard of the Physicist's Eulogy? I find it very comforting although I do believe in heaven & the afterlife too.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/futurism.com/the-science-of-death-a-eulogy-from-a-physicist/amp

Sorry I haven't spent much time replying to those who have messaged me privately. I use Mumsnet on my tablet and It doesn't work very well when I end up in my inbox on the actual website if that makes sense.

Getting ready for my grief counsellor session. DS2 is having his tomorrow. Can't believe I'm having to pay £65 per hour for each session. There is nothing free available for DS at all apart from a telephone line run by volunteers. DH and I are on the waiting list to see someone from Cruse. Cruse don't deal with teenagers.

Still got all my sympathy cards up. DH has gently suggested taking them down. Not sure what to do. Doesn't feel right taking them down as if feels as it's a sign I'm not grieving anymore. It also doesn't feel right leaving them up.

Why don't you get an album to put them in? You and your other son could do this together. Did you have an order of service? That could go in along with any cards that were in flowers, or any announcement she in the papers if you did that too. Then the album can be somewhere you can see it, but not so in your face. You're not getting rid of the cards, just moving them.

I can't believe your having to pay £65 per session either, that is unbelievable bless you x

Thinking of you still OP.

soon has come up with a good idea about the cards. They will still be there for you to see.

I’m sorry that face to face counselling isn’t readily available for free but I’m glad that you are all managing to speak to someone. x

@soontobe060

Thats a lovely suggestion thank you. Yes I've kept a copy of the order of service.

I'm going to dig out his favourite hoodie and spray it with his favourite aftershave and get it made into a Teddy bear. A friend has sent me a link to a Facebook page.

I've also been looking at having some of his ashes made into a ring. They are due to be collected on Monday. 😥

ladee, in the kindest possible way, I would like to warn you that some ashes may be returned after the making of the ring.
Maybe they won't, but in my DF's case they were, and it totally threw my mum as she wasn't expecting it.

Getting the ring made is a lovely thought. I know my mum treasures hers.

Crazyladee
I have a basket, with a lid, in which I have placed all the cards, letters, order of service and condolance book. I keep them in a discreet place and take them out and read them from time to time.
I kept some of the flowers that we placed on DS1's coffin and dried them.
The thing is, nobody is going to throw anything away. Designate one cupboard or drawer, or chest of drawers, and put things in there as you find them.
You might move things around, sort, organise, but there is no hurry.
Last year I got out all the cards I received when DS1 was born and put them in the same cupboard. Just keeping the pieces of his life together.

I don’t think there’s any limit or proper timeline on what you do with cards and things around the house.

It was 3 years since my brother died on Dec 1st and my Dad still has the advent calendar on his fireplace that he’d bought him to start on the morning he found him dead. I think it’s probably too painful to take it down and it probably always will be.

His room is still much the same too. I don’t think my dad spends any time in there really but it’s very difficult to get rid of someone’s possessions in these circumstances. It feels sometimes like these are our last connections to him and if any of those things went to charity then we’d have less and less of him as time went on. For me, as his sister, sometimes it all feels like grains of sand slipping through my fingers. I worry I’m going to drop them all and won’t remember him properly one day. Having his physical objects is a comfort. We had a conversation tonight about his chilli plant that my dad has successfully kept alive for the last three years, and it’s taken a turn for the worse and we don’t know what to do for the best.

Everyone who visits my dads house knows why it’s all like that and nobody has a problem really. Just do what feels right for you with cards and things.

A friend made me a beautiful box when dd1 died. I have all the sympathy cards, mass cards,order of service and special picture's in it.
I get a lot of comfort looking at the cards 4 yrs on.

I felt the same about taking the cards down, I think its normal to feel like you do.

It feels like a very different experience to lose a sibling in comparison to the other bereavements I’ve had, such as grandparents and even friends.

For some reason I do at times feel quite concerned with forgetting him, or wondering if I’ll one day reach a point in my life where I don’t have any one left in my life who knew him. It’s just so hard, he was meant to always be here.

Aww OP I'm so sorry for your loss, I've read through every comment and the support you've received has been amazing, I didn't want to just read and run. Sending you the biggest viral hugs I possibly can ♥

Sending you love and strength. I am very sorry for your loss xx

@mineofuselessinformation

Would you mind letting me know which company your Mum used for the ring? I'm very wary of trusting Facebook reviews.

Thank you everyone else for your posts. I went to see my counsellor on Thursday. DH gently reminded me to let her give me input instead of me talking for the whole hour myself otherwise I may as well sit and talk to the dog for an hour and save my money!

It did end up being a little bit like that to be honest as it was my first session so she did need a lot of background stuff. But she kind of let me navigate through it instead of the other way round which meant there were a lot of awkward pauses where I was waiting for her to speak. I'm probably being very unfair as she has her work cut out with me. I'm seeing a different one on Tuesday to see which one I prefer.

DS saw his counsellor yesterday. DS is grieving very differently to me. He says he doesn't feel sad anymore, has barely shed any tears and has picked himself up right from day one and, as long as he's distracted with things, seems very unaffected with it all. He's confided to me he doesn't feel normal as he and DS1 were best friends and very close. His counsellor has said to me he has suffered a trauma so his brain is in protection mode. She said if his grief doesn't come out in 2 months time, he could be suffering with PTSD. If thats the case it could open a lot of doors in terms of medication and counselling. But only when he's 18 years old in July. Up to then, there's nothing available on the NHS.

My confidence in myself has taken a nosedive. I feel so fragile. Just a quick drive to my sisters had me panicking. I had to stop on the way to get petrol and the things you normally do without thinking, I had to think properly about. Double check everything. Have I left my purse on the pumps? Have I locked the car? Every driving manoeuvre I had to think about that you normally do automatically.

I'm anxious every time DH or DS leaves the house. I'm not sure whether it's due to my grief or my menopause as I've gone straight into surgical menopause due to my recent hysterectomy. I've started HRT. People ask me whether it's working but because the operation and the loss of my son happened near enough at the same time I havent a clue.

So sorry I put loads of paragraphs in my post but they never seem to come out! Sorry about the mass of text!

I have just read your story OP. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Hope you manage to find some peace and that you find a counsellor who can help you. Thinking of you and your family xxx

I've just been reading through your utterly heartbreaking post, my thoughts and warm wishes are with you all.

I lost my nan a few years ago and my grandad last year and had their ashes made into a ring. I used cherished urns and cannot recommend them enough. I wear the ring all the time and it provides me with some comfort that I have a little piece of them with me at all times. Hes also in your heart remember that.

Xxx

crazyladee
Everything you have written makes absolute sense to me. I was diagnosed with a serious illness 6 months before ds1 died. My health took a huge turn for the worse the day the police came to my door.
My anxiety went through the roof, my confidence plummetted.
Ds2 quit his job and went travelling. He remembers vitually nothing about that first year. I was beside myself with worry because he was taking risks that he would not have done previously. I was convinced I was going to lose him too. In the end he had a complete breakdown. No help available for either of us.
There was no help for ds1 either when he desperately needed it. I believe some support and intervention might have saved him.
All I can say to you is that now, 3 years on, we are slowly, slowly getting our lives back under control. Nothing will ever be the same, none of us will be the people we were, but we are finding ways of coping day to day.
There are so many of us on here ( MN) that get it. We know. We are in the club nobody wants to join, but we hold our hands out to you and hold you and your family in our hearts.

I'll ask my mum tomorrow, ladee.
As for the panicking feeling, that may well be grief, but could also be to do with menopause. It would be a good idea to see your GP. I know I to a horrible feeling.

it's, not it to...

The plan is to try and get a GP appointment in the morning. I've only got a few diazepam left and I only take them if I am having a REALLY bad day.

DH's employers have given him another paid week off work so he is now going back the very end of the month. He will be on a phased return as he was still on sick leave when DS1 died as he had open heart surgery end of July.

DH is holding everything together. Sorting out the dogs, all the cooking, nipping out for supplies, prescriptions etc. The thought of him going back to work panics me a bit as I've been so used to having him at home with me. I work from home (starting back end of January as well) and I will be faced with being on my own for a lot of time.

@endofthelinefinally sorry to hear you lost your DS1 too.

I've emailed to organise to have a grief friend via one of the bereavement websites. I'm grieving so differently to everyone else and I feel so alone. 😢

You are not alone - but I hope you get your grief friend soon.

And don’t be worrying about needing more meds to help you manage or about how you are grieving. We all carry our sadness differently. x

I made it to the GP yesterday. I made a double appt as I also needed to discuss my HRT and didn't want to be rushed. I took my DSIS with me.

I've been prescribed antidepressants. I have had on and off spells of being depressed in the past and tried all sorts of different brands and types of anti depressants there is. None suited me as I had horrendous side effects. He suggested a different brand. Very sceptical. I am not depressed! I'm simply grieving the death of my son!

He has increased the dose of my HRT as I was suffering crippling anxiety at my DS2 leaving the house.
Yesterday DS2 went back to college. I told him if he wanted to come home, he could do. He rang me at lunchtime and said he has gone into town to get lunch and didn't feel well and was shattered as he hadn't slept well. So I told him to come straight home and I will ring college. I called college and spoke to his tutor and explained he had had a wobble and was coming home. It takes less than 20 mins to get home by bus. Nearly two hours later he hadn't shown up and wasn't answering his phone. I rang college and asked them to see if he had changed his mind and gone back in. She rang me back and said he wasn't in college. The panic that shot through me was so intense. I can't have anything happen to him... He's all we have got now!

An agonising hour later, when DH was about to start ringing around hospitals, the tutor rang back and said she had found him in class but he was hidden by a pillar. Relief!

I just feel so vulnerable. I think to myself "whose next?" I just want to lock all my rest of my shrunken family in my house.