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Original poster

DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

305 replies

Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 21:55

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

OP posts:
HakunaRattatas · 24/12/2019 23:38

Much love to you and your family. There will be many people thinking of you tomorrow and, indeed, for many days afterwards. I've only chanced upon your post tonight but it's so very clear how much you and your son loved each other. Never doubt that

NumbersStation · 25/12/2019 13:16

Thinking of you. Let your family carry you today. A candle will be lit for you all later x

Paddy1234 · 25/12/2019 23:21

Thinking of you today ❤️

doodleygirl · 25/12/2019 23:29

I dont have the words needed I just want you to know we are thinking about you

christmasstress · 26/12/2019 00:19

Thinking about you all.

Myshitisreal · 26/12/2019 03:00

You've been on my mind a lot today ♥ no words really

endofthelinefinally · 26/12/2019 05:09

Sending you love.
X

MimiCaeger · 26/12/2019 05:54

Thinking of you all today

Icepinkeskimo · 26/12/2019 05:54

OP I just wanted you to know you are not alone, my family have been through something very similar. Grief is a strange thing one minute you can feel "ok" and the next it's like a tidal wave that completely engulfs you. It's just over two years for us, but it's still very real and heartbreaking.

The smallest thing can trigger me of, last week in the supermarket, a certain make of jam was on offer. He loved this jam, the last time we went shopping he picked up this jar of it and started doing this daft French impression, I was laughing so much people stopped and started laughing along. Now the sight of it make me cry uncontrollably because it represents a marvellous vibrant young man with the world at his feet who I miss every single day.

One piece of advice I have for you is this, make the most of your 'good' days and when you have a 'bad' day be kind to yourself.

I have been awake since just gone 4am, I know there are many other people out there missing and grieving their loved ones and the grief is sharper at this time of the year but I know I am not alone in feeling so utterly broken right now,

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2019 06:49

Oh Crazyladee, how utterly heartbreaking for you all. I've only just seen this thread but I've sat here with tears streaming down my face.
Your son was clearly loved so very, very much.
Thinking of you all at this desperately sad time Thanks

glitterboom · 26/12/2019 07:35

I read your thread a couple of days ago and have thought of you, your family and your lovely son often since then.

Thinking of you all and sending love and a virtual hand hold.

lifeisgoodagain · 26/12/2019 07:50

Thinking of you ... Thanks

danni0509 · 26/12/2019 11:35

Was thinking of you yesterday x

Original poster
Crazyladee · 28/12/2019 21:21

Thank you to everyone for the posts.

Well as you can imagine, Xmas has been more or less written off for us. We got through Xmas Day at my Dsis's place. I didn't drink at all as I was nervous of drinking whilst taking diazepam. Plus I am not great at handling my drink and even one or two glasses of wine makes me emotional. Lasted til about 10pm though which surprised me. First time in 24 years he wasn't with us. He felt very missed. I got emotional when it was gently suggested we raise our glasses to him at the beginning of the xmas meal.

And even more emotional when I was presented with a star named after him in a beautiful frame along with a bracelet containing stones in his birthstone.

Boxing day at my PIL was a disaster. They just didn't know what to say to me so they all decided it was best to say absolutely nothing and carry on as if nothing had happened. I spent all day and most of the night sobbing in the bedroom we were sleeping in (they live about an hour away in a remote location so when we go, we always stay over) our plans to stay a few days changed instantly as I just wanted to go home so we returned the day after.

Yesterday was a tough day for me for some reason. Today started off bad but then I noticed my DS was having a bad day so I decided to pull myself together and be strong for him. I try not to let him see the full extent of my emotions but he's very intuitive.

I woke up this morning with a tiny white feather stuck to the cheek I don't sleep on. We don't have feather pillows and I always sleep on one particular side so it comforted me to think it was a little kiss from him.

I've downloaded a couple of books on grief and spirituality. I'm getting comfort thinking he's looking down and watching me. It's the only thing I'm clinging to that brings me comfort.

OP posts:
flounderfish · 28/12/2019 21:36

I'm so sorry OP. I lost a parent in this way and my heart goes out to you and your family. I recently stumbled across a book called bearing the unbearable by Joanne Caccitiore and recommend it (available on Kindle). You're in my thoughts Flowers

Shockers · 28/12/2019 21:38

I’m so very very sorry.

Pinkette06 · 28/12/2019 21:55

I've just read this thread. It is heartbreaking. Sending love to you and your family op x

looondonn · 28/12/2019 22:01

Prayers for you and your lovely family ❤️❤️❤️

bellanotte22 · 28/12/2019 22:15

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You and your family will be in my prayers xx

FagashJackie · 29/12/2019 02:51

I'm so sorry too. For yours,your dh and your ds2 loss. Flowers

Original poster
Crazyladee · 29/12/2019 09:58

@flounderfish

I've just downloaded the book you recommended.

Thank you x

OP posts:
danni0509 · 30/12/2019 19:32

@Crazyladee how are you doing Thanks

Iwant2move · 30/12/2019 19:36

Crazyladee I am so very very sorry.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 30/12/2019 19:57

@danni0509

No different really. The days are going by in a blur. Xmas decorations were taken down yesterday. The only reason we had left them up was that neither of us had had the energy to do something about them until yesterday. DS2 has started finally showing signs of really struggling. So I've booked an appointment with a private grief counsellor for an appointment next week.

I've started over analysing everything. My mind is desperately trying to connect DS1 with everywhere I go and everything I see. I was giving the bannisters a good clean yesterday after taking down a xmas garland and I started getting upset at the thought that I might be rubbing away all his fingerprints.

I can't focus enough to watch TV so everynight I take myself off to bed early to read either a book on spirits or grief or write to my DS1 in the journal I've started.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 31/12/2019 23:22

You won't rub him away - he will always be in your head and in your heart.
Sending you a very unmumsnetty hug, OP.