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Bereavement

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Original poster

DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

305 replies

Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 21:55

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyladee · 20/12/2019 09:50

Thanks for the replies. I'll reply to the private messages when I can. But thank you for reaching out to me.

@parkandride that comment gave me so much comfort. I've mentioned it to DH and my DS.

Getting things organised for the funeral now.. DH has busied himself with putting together a report for the coroners office detailing the failings in duty of care provided to my son. And he's dealing with all other things involving his affairs too. So I've thrown myself into the funeral arrangements.

The hospital provided a memory box containing moulds of his hands so we have that. Plus his thumb prints.

Emotionally I feel overwhelming, empty sadness I never knew I could feel. Don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cried my heart out.

I ventured out to Tescos to print off some photos from my phone. We're putting together a memory board for the memory table at his wake. I was stood there with DH fumbling around trying to connect my phone and figure out how to use the machine tears rolling down my cheeks. Everyone was in the xmas spirit, wearing Santa hats and singing xmas songs that were playing. I nearly punched a woman. In the end DH handed me the car keys and told me to wait in the car.

Next job was to get some black trousers for the funeral. I've not eaten properly for two weeks so my clothes are hanging off me. Through a blur of tears I grabbed the nearest ones didn't have the will or the energy to try them on and ran out. After paying of course.

Life has stood still at the moment. I can't believe it's 2 weeks today. Feels like yesterday 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyladee · 20/12/2019 09:55

On my other thread.. Someone commented and said "if you don't bring him home, you will be planning his funeral" that reply haunts me. 😢

We didn't bring him home, but we managed and battled to get him in hospital. But because they refused to section him which we, and him begged them to do, he was allowed to come and go as he pleased.

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 20/12/2019 13:27

@Crazyladee
I thought I would never hear those words again 'refused to section him' & 'we & he begged them to do so'.

Just like what happened to my Auntie. Notes were 'lost' (then later found) & they didn't think she was ill enough to be sectioned even though she begged.
If hearing & seeing things, acute paranoia, restless energy yet lack of motivation to do anything, a previous attempt & change of medication isn't ill enough to get you sectioned then what the hell is?!!!

And all this just a few days before Christmas.
It's more like we haven't got enough beds to section everyone who needs it. So we have to take a huge gamble & fingers crossed we made the right decision.
It boils down to lack of money within the NHS & also how it's managed.

WLmum · 20/12/2019 23:54

Still thinking of you crazeelady and of course of your lovely boy. I'm so incredibly sorry you are going through this, and that he went through what he did.

endofthelinefinally · 21/12/2019 05:28

Crazyladee
Do let your son's friends help you. They will want to do something useful to take some pressure off you.
My son's friends got together and produced music and a video slideshow of their schooldays, events, holidays, parties they had shared together. They made posters of photos and put them up at the venue for the gathering after the funeral.
They carried his coffin into the church. I am welling up just remembering.
They did so much for us.
They were a huge support to ds2 who was absolutely broken.
They still come to see us. 2 of them are taking ds2 on holiday in a few weeks.
Sending you love.
Flowers

pallisers · 21/12/2019 05:58

We didn't bring him home, but we managed and battled to get him in hospital. But because they refused to section him which we, and him begged them to do, he was allowed to come and go as he pleased.

My aunt did bring him - my lovely cousin - home - because they refused to section him. He died by suicide that night. he, his mum and his siblings were all doctors. They still couldn't get him sectioned.

It has been 20 years now and I often think of him and miss him. His mother and sister chose to look at it as he had a fatal illness and none of the treatments worked. 20 years on life is easier for them. But by god he is never forgotten.

Take any help you think will help you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 21/12/2019 07:03

@pallisers

Thank you. ❤️

OP posts:
WLmum · 22/12/2019 21:58

How are you doing crazeelady? As always, you don't need to reply if you don't feel like it, but know I'm asking after you.

pallisers · 22/12/2019 22:18

another one thinking of you crazeelady. No need to reply but you are in my thoughts.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 23/12/2019 07:58

The funeral is this afternoon.

DH and I have both written out a tribute to him. I'm going to try and read mine out but the minister will step in if need be.

I downloaded a couple of books on grief on my kindle which seem to be helping me.

Trying to be strong.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 23/12/2019 08:13

I couldn’t read and not comment but apologies, I haven’t been able to read the whole thread so sorry if I am repeating. I just wanted to let you know that if you have your darling boy cremated, I believe that you can have some ashes made into a piece of jewellery. That way you could keep him close to you.
I am sorry you are going through this terrible thing.

ButterflyWitch · 23/12/2019 08:17

ThanksThanks and thoughts for you today xx

Skyejuly · 23/12/2019 08:21

First of please do not blame yourself or question what could have been different. His choice was made and nothing would have changed it. I recently lost a close friend to suicide and was the last person they spoke too (I think). I don't have anything to take your pain away but in time things will become calmer. That doesnt mean you will forget but time is a wonderful healer at helping us see things in a new way. Be kind to yourself. X

DoTheNextRightThing · 23/12/2019 08:22

ThanksThanks hope all goes well today. Thinking of you.

Theroigne · 23/12/2019 08:29

Flowers my thoughts are with you and your family, especially today .

Salene · 23/12/2019 08:46

So so sorry, suicide is so cruel for those left behind to deal with . You did all you could for your son , and he will have known how much he was loved. Mental illness is soul destroying. Sending you love and strength and may your beautiful boy rip xx

QOD · 23/12/2019 08:52

It’s so so sad 😞
Thinking of you 💐

stayathomegardener · 23/12/2019 08:52

Thinking of you all today.

Rogeroverandout · 23/12/2019 08:56

Thinking of you all.

Hope in time you can feel better for knowing yourself son is at peace but I'm sorry his illness took him away from you.

MH illnesses are so hard and painful. You couldn't have done any more for the him than if he had cancer to have cured him of that.

imip · 23/12/2019 09:16

Flowers gentle wishes for strength for DS funeral today. My dd was stillborn nearly 14 years ago. So sad to say goodbye at her funeral.

People have made wonderful suggestions. Time seemed to go so slowly for dh and I. Someone gave us a puzzle, it was such a brilliantly idea. We could be alone with our thoughts, but we didn’t drown in them, if that makes sense. We worked on quite a few puzzles then.

I have an 11 yo dd that has ASD and self harms. I’m full of fear that I may have to attend more than one dds funeral in my life time.

NumbersStation · 23/12/2019 09:40

Thinking of you all today. Flowers

looondonn · 23/12/2019 09:46

Thinking of you all in my prayers
I am so very sorry

He will give you the strength to get through this and he will he with you more than you realise
I buried my brother in tragic circumstances and somehow his strength came surging through me
Lots of love 💕

NowWeSuckingDiesel · 23/12/2019 09:54

Flowerswishing you all the strength in the world today Flowers

Lefkosia · 23/12/2019 10:09

Thinking of you today OP x

CatteStreet · 23/12/2019 10:20

Much love to you.

Sometimes, as a PP says, the decision is made and the course of what happens cannot be prevented, not by the family, not by the professionals (although even as a voluntary patient it sounds as if your son should not have been allowed to leave unsupervised as he was). Many people can be helped, but the comparison with physical illness is apt - for some MH conditions, like for cancers etc, there is sadly not yet a 100% survival rate. The unfairness of this happening to your lovely boy is beyond comprehension, and I am absolutely not suggesting you just accept this (neither have I accepted the loss of someone dear to me from cancer at too young an age), but placing blame, especially on yourself, will compound the grief. Absolutely it is important to have systemic failings examined, obviously.

I hope today goes as well as it can.

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