Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

305 replies

Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 21:55

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

OP posts:
PeterRouseTheFleshofMankind · 07/12/2019 22:49

Crazyladee

I just wanted to say how sorry I am, don't even know what to say.

Do come back to the thread, you will get some great support here.

Hope that sleeping tablet is kicking in now xxx

Yoohoo16 · 07/12/2019 22:50

I’m so very sorry. Don’t torture yourself over your last conversation, He wouldn’t want that.

Daisydoola · 07/12/2019 22:50

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you get some rest tonight Thanks

Strokethefurrywall · 07/12/2019 22:50

My god you poor thing. I don't have any words that could possibly comfort you.

I hope you know that there are many around the world praying for strength for you and your family at this awful awful time...

serialtester · 07/12/2019 22:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. I read your previous thread - you couldn't have done any more. He knew that he was loved. Thinking of you and your family x

TreeMenDos · 07/12/2019 22:55

I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking :( My sincerest condolences x

WLmum · 07/12/2019 22:57

I'm so so sorry, for you, your family and your beautiful boy.

awishes · 07/12/2019 22:59

I'm so sorry to read this. I read your other thread. Your son knew he was loved. I hope you can take some comfort in that.

mummymayhem18 · 07/12/2019 23:00

I'm so,so,so sorry to you and your family. Please don't blame yourself. MH is a cruel illness and has no boundaries. And from what I've read over this year not enough help when really needed. ❤️

Izitso · 07/12/2019 23:01

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't offer any words of advice but you are in my thoughts tonight Flowers

Starrynightowl · 07/12/2019 23:01

My Dad took his life 4 years ago. It was a different situation because the day he died I found out some terrible stuff about him that I never knew.

Go on dog walks and get lots of exercise so you’re physically exhausted and can sleep. Or at least have exhausted dogs lying next to you.

When you think you can cope with it, do lots of CBT. It will help. Make sure you find someone you get on with and give it a few sessions as the first few might be emotional.

Commonsensemedia.org is a website I found that details ‘triggers’ in films and plays. I found that the method used seemed to be referenced everywhere. I found I wanted to be able to switch off and not worry that anything in a film was going to trigger me.

Accept some people will be avoiding you. They don’t know what to do. The oddest people step up and become support. Usually people who have been through similar stuff.
Actually a local vicars wife judged it best and I am not even religious.

And I will pass on a message that an elderly neighbour gave to me ‘don’t let it define you’ (with a knowing nod). She told me to just keep going and at some point in the future you will look back and realise I am better today than I was yesterday.

Classical music was good for ‘white noise’ so I could blank out stuff.

Starrynightowl · 07/12/2019 23:03
Flowers
Starrynightowl · 07/12/2019 23:10

Sorry I now realise I had somehow re-edited and omitted my first paragraph in the post above. It said how so sorry I am that you have experienced this most horrendous of situations and these may be some practical suggestions to help you through when you are ready. I realise it’s too early to take much in at the moment xFlowers

SiempreDot · 07/12/2019 23:16

I couldn't read and not post, OP.

I'm so sorry for you and your family and for your beautiful son.

I don't know if this helps at all, but several years ago, I was sectioned after a serious suicide attempt where I was close to death. I had, and have, the most loving family and they did everything they ever could. There was nothing more they could have done to help me and had I succeeded, they'd be going over every conversation and wondering if they could help me. They couldn't. I was determined at that stage.

Your son will have known he was loved by you all. You allude to his notes which show that. He knew you loved him. He knew he was loved. He felt loved. That is what you can hope for. You're a wonderful parent.

Meadow90 · 07/12/2019 23:18

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I'd suggest moving away somewhat from mumsnet at such a tragic time and seeking some real life support. Take care

NumbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsStation · 07/12/2019 23:21

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

I’ve nothing to say that will ease your pain but you and your family are in my thoughts Flowers

QOD · 07/12/2019 23:22

So terribly sorry 💐

endofthelinefinally · 07/12/2019 23:23

I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I am just over 3 years on from losing my eldest son. His younger brother is only just starting to get his life on track again.
I have no words of wisdom but you will keep going, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I have found great comfort and support on this board.
There are so many of us here who have lost our precious children. We will listen and offer whatever we can.
Flowers

ReadyPayerTwo · 07/12/2019 23:27

I am so very, very sorry OP, I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. Sending you huge huge virtual hugs and love.

MeganChips · 07/12/2019 23:27

I am so very sorry OP. You are in my thoughts Flowers

fromthefloorboardsup · 07/12/2019 23:28

I'm so sorry for your loss. My DP lost his dad to suicide as a child. Just know that it isn't your fault and please take all the support that's out there. It's awful and it will take time. It'll never be okay but you will learn how to live with it. Sending you lots of love.

cakeandchampagne · 07/12/2019 23:29

Flowers I am so sorry about your son.

RaininSummer · 07/12/2019 23:32

So very sorry. I read your previous thread and you tried very hard to help your poor boy .

overnightangel · 07/12/2019 23:34

I’m so sorry to hear all this @Crazyladee
A previous poster said “He loved you and you love him. That's all that matters.” And I think that’s so right.
The fact he left notes and told you he loved you and felt loved shows what a lovely kind and caring young man you raised. I don’t really have anything else to say but I’m so sorry, I’ll light a candle for you at church tomorrow x

Dippydoppy · 07/12/2019 23:36

I am so sorry about your son. You did do your best by him. It's because you did your best that your son knew that he was loved so much by you and loved you back just as hard, promising to watch over you all. He will always be with you. You sound like a lovely mother and he sounds like a lovely son. I am so sorry xx