@tracybeakersoyeah
Thank you. I really needed to hear those words.
I'm so grateful for all your replies.
The nytol kicked in a bit but I've just woken up to one of my dogs on the bed licking my face.
The rules of no dogs in the bedroom have gone out of the window right now as they are providing us with some comfort.
At the moment, the tears and sobbing is coming in waves. The rest of the time I feel nothing but numbness. I've no appetite and barely eaten in the last couple of days. I've also got an upset stomach.
Trying to keep strong for DS17. He has been so brave and it's unbelievable how strong he is being right now. Of course we will be keeping a very close eye on him and getting the counselling sorted is number one priority.
I'm finding one part of my brain is trying to hurt me and it's thinking of the horrific things you think about when you hear about his type of death. It's also trying to blame me and tell me why didn't I comfort him more when he rang me distraught about his girlfriend. The night before his death, he rang me to tell me about the demonic voices and I was right in the middle of giving my patient a bath so, again I told him I can't talk right now. I never called him back as I promised because when I was free to talk to him, I heard him on the phone to DH.
But there's another part of my brain that's trying to counter the other side and it's thinking of comforting things. I had my operation a few weeks ago so the whole process is very fresh in my head. When they injected the anaesthetic, just at that moment, a nurse said "is it okay if I put a mask over your face"
And then I woke up in the recovery room.
I'm imagining that at that very moment when he stepped off the platform it was the same as that nurse saying about the mask. After that, when the train hit him, it was lights out and he felt nothing.
I'm also imagining this. We are all going to die one day. What has happened to him, and where he is now.. We are all going to be there one day. Nothing has happened to him that isn't going to happen to me. But he has ended his life early but will not have to experience years of struggles and feeling so worthless and a failure, as he describes in his notes.
We as a family have had an awful couple of years in terms of deaths. Two years ago, my niece lost a stillborn boy at 41 weeks pregnant. It hit us like a tonne of bricks. The awful thing is the anniversary of the babies birthday and the day he died is the same as my DS. We also lost our beloved grandma who he was close to. In his notes, he says he is going to be up above with those members of the family watching over us. He genuinely believed in life after death. I wish I could have told him the words I have just read.. There's no coming back.
He was honestly so lovely. DH and I were very young when we had him. We had only known each other a few months before I fell pregnant but we got through it and provided him with a happy childhood. He is..was..? The spitting image of his father. In fact I used to look at his features and try and find anything resembling me but there wasn't. He was his father through and through. So handsome.