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Original poster

DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

305 replies

Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 21:55

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyladee · 08/12/2019 20:21

@danni0509

Thank you for thinking of me.

Today was slightly better than yesterday for me, but DH and DS17 struggled today.

We've had lots of family rallying around us. My dsis has been brilliant. Making sure I'm eating as all I've had over two days is half a small pork pie and a potato waffle. So she came around with lunch for everyone.. Just sandwiches and posh crisps for everyone. I managed to eat a triangle of a sandwich and a mouthful of crisps.

We decided to put a blanket post on Facebook.. Just to let everyone know as he had friends far and wide and it would be impossible to contact everyone who meant a lot to him individually. I don't normally post much on Facebook but I'm glad I've done it as it's done now. Hopefully people will know to tread sensitively around us.

I've had the worst upset tummy all day. Hopefully this will clear up soon as it will be due to stress and the grief.

I was left on my own in the house for about half an hour today while DH nipped out for supplies with DS. I have a photo of my DS24 on the side of my bed. I've been talking to him via his photo. When I found myself alone, I went straight upstairs and talked to him and kissed his photo. Just brought me a little comfort.

Another day down. Nearly. I'm finding the sobbing is coming in waves. Today they are a little more spaced out than yesterday. No idea what it will be like tomorrow. I'm amazed there are any more tears left in me.

OP posts:
Paddy1234 · 08/12/2019 20:23

I have also been thinking of you all day
❤️

Reallybadidea · 08/12/2019 20:31

And me as well Flowers

Alyic · 08/12/2019 20:43

A friend I used to work with, his son committed suicide about 10 years ago, Keith always said, it was when, not if. My thoughts are with you.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 08/12/2019 20:46

I've had the TV on for the past two days but not been able to watch anything as I've just been blindly staring at the screen. Or the xmas tree... That I feel like ripping down.

I'm just numb

OP posts:
namechangenumber2 · 08/12/2019 20:49

Oh @Crazyladee , I'm so sorry for your loss Sad. There really needs to be something done about the mental health services in this country.

Be gentle to yourself x

camiejullum · 08/12/2019 21:00

I'm so so sorry for your loss xx

Your son sounds like a truly sensitive soul. Be proud of him always.
And stay strong mama xx

FluffyPinkSocks · 08/12/2019 21:04

Your poor boy, I am so very sorry for you and your family. I hope you have a lot of love and support over the next while x

HappyHedgehog247 · 08/12/2019 21:10

What a wonderful mum you were. Your love for your DS shines through. Sometimes, when people commit suicide they don’t actively want to die, they just want the current pain to stop and can’t think of any other way at that time. He knew he was loved and he loved you too.

Smeghead90 · 08/12/2019 21:24

I am so sorry that this has happened, I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. It must be hard thinking of his last moments but I can honestly say its likely he felt nothing, it was probably very quick. Take one day at a time and do what you feel you need to do, nothing anyone says will make you feel any better and you will always feel guilty about what you could have said or done but that happens when anyone dies. He knew he was loved and you and your family did everything in your power to help him, but ultimately he made the decision and at the time it was probably the only one he thought he had. It frustrates me that the mental health system are so lax with these sorts of cases they knew he was at risk but they allowed him to be on a open ward! I hope you find some comfort in these words, I'll be thinking of you in the next few difficult weeks. Take care of yourself as well.

Charley50 · 08/12/2019 22:09

@Crazyladee - I am so so sorry. My brother took his own life the same way at a similar age many years ago. It was deeply devastating of course. After he died I couldn't seem to get away from the word suicide being casually bandied about. The first year you have to take day by day and be kind to yourself.

My brother also heard demonic voices and also genuinely thought we, and the world, would be better off without him (I know this from notes he left us and his diaries afterwards). The voices are so real, imagine the pain of actually feeling you may be the devil, or similar. It is a way out of that mental torture I suppose.

Your other son isn't now an only child and you will always be a mother of two; although sometimes in the early days it is easier to pretend to some people to avoid painful questions. I think that's understandable, I did that for a while, but stopped as I came to terms with what had happened.

My mum joined a group run by Rethink Mental Health. The friends she made there helped her through the first hardest years. My friends helped me just by being themselves, but I would have had counselling I suppose if it had been offered. There are groups for parents and for siblings.
Never stop talking about, and to, your beautiful son.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 10/12/2019 13:02

Today is turning out to be the worst day so far.

I can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus on anything like watching TV.

I'm completely numb.

OP posts:
suziesue45 · 10/12/2019 13:30

I'm so sorry for your loss. He must have been in a lot of anguish in his mind the poor thing.

I work in Mental Health and I see how underfunded and understaffed the service is on a daily basis. Lives should not be lost, they should be getting the help they need to live a full life with their loving families Flowers

glitterbiscuits · 10/12/2019 13:45

I'm so very, very sorry ThanksThanksThanks
No parent should go through this.

I can't think of a single thing to give you comfort at this moment.

I hope your son is watching you and is at peace.

Reallybadidea · 10/12/2019 13:46

Do you have real life support @Crazyladee?

How is your younger son?

Howtohelpdd · 10/12/2019 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParkheadParadise · 10/12/2019 14:07

I know exactly what your feeling @Crazyladee
I felt like that for weeks.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 10/12/2019 15:29

Younger son seems to be holding it together really well. He's found himself a project to keep himself busy.

I on the other hand can't seem to find anything to do to keep me busy. I feel no motivation to do anything. Can't do anything I enjoy doing like reading or watching movies. Can't focus my mind.

So many of his friends have reached out to me. One in particular who he was closest to spoke to him the night he died. My son told him the doctors weren't taking him seriously and even told his friend they were almost goading him to go and do it.

One big question we have for Thursday when we see the police is why was he allowed off the ward unaccompanied when they knew his girlfriend had ended it with him and also knowing what he had intended to do?? He had even told the doctors the particular bridge and the train line the voices were directing him to!!!!

It's heartbreaking trying to come to terms with the tragic death of my son but knowing it could have been avoided due to lack of duty of care is on another level. 😢

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 10/12/2019 19:44

I'm glad your younger son is as OK as can be expected. I'm not surprised that you can't focus on anything, it's still such early days. It must seem like a bad dream at the moment. I hope you get some answers from the police, but it sounds like the hospital where he was an inpatient needs to do an investigation and that may take some time.

Flowers
echt · 11/12/2019 09:44

So very sorry for your loss.

No adequate words.

Thanks
mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 11/12/2019 09:48

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no words to make you feel better, but am sending all the strength and love I can muster to you and your family.

doodleygirl · 11/12/2019 09:54

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, I have no advice but wanted to send our love to your family.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 12/12/2019 07:43

Yesterday was very slightly better than Tuesday.

Tuesday for me was the worst day since we got the news. No trigger or possible reason why. I think it was 4pm before I finally stopped sobbing.. Completely exhausted.

Yesterday I decided to throw myself into a project. Organising his funeral. It has to be done. And done quickly as we can as most of DH side of the family are going down under to my neices wedding leaving on New Year's Day so we obviously want to push to have it before then.

I'm shocked at the amount of DS's friends that have reached out to me. Its shocked me to hear that my DS was helping them with their problems and giving great advice. One of them in particular is suffering from depression himself and my DS was helping him to get through dark times. It seems my DS was good at fixing people and looking after people and putting other people before himself.

Two of his closest friends came over last night. They are both very affected by it, have been off work all week and struggling to come to terms with it. The one suffering with depression himself has said he is on a year long waiting list to see a specialist. Heartbreaking.

Today is going to be a difficult day as we have the family liason officer coming over this morning and then the funeral director coming this afternoon. I need to somehow stay strong.

OP posts:
Trewser · 12/12/2019 07:48

Impossible to read this and not post. Thinking of you OP and wishing you strength.

rosydreams · 12/12/2019 07:58

I recall when i got the call that my sister had hung herself.The prior day was was her birthday and i got a call from her asking if i could come down.My daughter was only 3 then and i had no money so i couldn't make it to her party.She seemed sad and i said dont worry we will meet up for christmas sometime.I didn't pick up on it.

The day i found out i took my little girl to a play cafe so she could run off and play.I couldn't play with her,i was struggling to keep composure .The gravity of the situation is immense and the guilt that you could not do more is so difficult to come to terms with.

What i also noticed is how much my sister also cared about others.She was the kind of person to visit a friends elderly mother when they couldn't,she was the kind of person to think of others before herself.

All i can say really is it gets easier with time