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Bereavement

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Original poster

DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

305 replies

Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 21:55

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 07/12/2019 22:30

Do you have been given family liaison officer by the police?

Sarcelle · 07/12/2019 22:31

I have lost loved ones, one in sudden circumstances but not the same situation as yours. My heart goes out to you. The reality is, there was nothing you could do to ease his pain. Nothing. There are no words except I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. Thanks

Original poster
Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 22:31

He was such a lovely handsome lad. Very caring and sensitive. Loved watching the comedy channels. He had an infectious laugh..and a lovely smile. Described himself as a mummies boy about a week ago to me.

I've got two gorgeous cocker spaniels here with me as my therapy dogs. When we heard the news, the eldest dog (probably his favourite) went over to the presents at the bottom of the xmas tree and chose my present to DS24 to sit across with his paws crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 22:33

@parkheadparadise

Yes. They're coming to see us on Thursday. There will be a full inquest.

OP posts:
Tiredandgrumpytonight · 07/12/2019 22:33

Oh god OP. I am so so sorry for your loss. Your poor boy Sad

Nicolanomore24 · 07/12/2019 22:34

I’m so sorry, please know this is absolutely not you’re fault and there is nothing you could have done that would have prevented this.

Sending lots of love.

KittenVsXmastree · 07/12/2019 22:36

Crazyladee I'm so, so sorry you have lost your son. You dont need to think about anything you dont want to right now. Its time to be selfish and do what you need to do to survive. And survive you will. You will always carry the scars on your heart from this, but you will heal, life will continue, and you will find a new way to live.
Expect some friends not to be able to deal with your families pain and drift away. Also accept unpredictable hands of friendship. You may find unexpected people will provide you with strength and companionship over the coming hours, days, weeks and months.

And to your youngest son: you now find yourself in this weird place. Do you have a brother? How do you answer that question? The answer is, it doesn't matter. You can tell people you are an only, and keep your precious memories close. Or you can shout to everyone and anyone about your brother. Both are acceptable. People who become good friends throw you a confused look when you change your message about sibling status, and then just hug you and try to share the pain. The only message that matters is the one you choose to share with each particular person. There are lots of "siblingless siblings" floating about. We are just not always vocal about it, but often a cryptic comment or look and we can find each other.

All my love and sympathies to all your family Flowers

TheMustressMhor · 07/12/2019 22:36

Oh OP, what a terrible thing to happen. You must be utterly broken.

I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how awful you are feeling. Flowers

Jesuisclaude · 07/12/2019 22:36

I’m so incredibly sorry OP.

I just wanted to say that although no one would ever know it now, I had atrocious mental health 20+ years ago and once nearly killed myself by throwing myself in front of a train. I just chickened out.

I’m telling you this because I want to describe how much in that moment I adored my beloved family, and how confusedly it felt like a great, loving, sacrificial ‘gift’ I could give them.

I.e. I thought somehow that if I’d done that, that they’d be able to be ‘free’ of the care of me and of the worry for me. It was a very pure, bright, clean and well-intended feeling, and I didn’t feel hugely sad although pretty clinically depressed. Obviously I didn’t do it in the end, and have never really spoken of it to anyone, but I wanted to tell you now in case it helped you believe that he might have, in doing a terrible thing, tried to do in a way the best he could. I’m sure he loved you very much and was grateful for all you’d done for him.

Flowers and thinking of you hugely.

Mummaofmytribe · 07/12/2019 22:36

@crazyladee my son died by suicide in 2013 age 20. Also in a terrible way. I had fought for mental health care over a 2 year period. I feel your agony. I have no sage advice.
You can't "tell" anyone how to cope with this. Least of all the mother.
My heart goes out to you
I always describe it as enduring the unendurable.
I wish you strength🌹

Original poster
Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 22:37

That's how he died

OP posts:
weebarra · 07/12/2019 22:37

I'm so very sorry. My younger sister made the decision to end her life in May.
I was and am devastated. She had borderline personality disorder and had been struggling for a long time.
I took comfort in the fact that she chose to do what she did. I'm not going in to details but she did want to die.
Going through her stuff was awful. She wrote everything down. I know that the only things that kept her alive were her parents, her brother and sister, and my kids, her nephews and niece.
At the end, it wasn't enough. I'm so sad about that, as she was so important to all of us.
Thinking of you xx

ParkheadParadise · 07/12/2019 22:37

@Crazyladee
That's good. Our FLO was brilliant. He was with us constantly from the mortuary, inquest and through the court case.

FloreanFortescue · 07/12/2019 22:37

This it utterly heartbreaking. Please don't revisit your final conversation and blame yourself for anything. Life isn't perfect and we don't have romantic final conversations with our loved ones. We have usual everyday encounters because that's life.

He loved you and you love him. That's all that matters.

Thanks
RedSheep73 · 07/12/2019 22:38

I'm so very sorry. I lost my sister to suicide 3 years ago, and all I can say is take it one day at a time. You are not to blame, you did the best you could, but there are some things even the best mother can't fix. You will cry bucketloads and you will be a mess for a bit but eventually you will get used to functioning again. For now don't expect too much of yourself. Cry, talk about him with everyone, try to eat properly and get outside every day even if you don't feel like it, it will help you to sleep.

Pixxie7 · 07/12/2019 22:39

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t imagine how you cope apart from taking each hour at a time. Please don’t torture yourself there is nothing you could have done you didn’t fob him off, you just didn’t know.
You probably won’t get over it but you will learn to live with it, he is at peace now.

Jesuisclaude · 07/12/2019 22:41

Oh OP. I’m so sorry.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 22:41

@weebarra

He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as well

OP posts:
danni0509 · 07/12/2019 22:41

God OP my heart really does go out to you. ☹️ no words just huge sympathy ThanksThanks

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 07/12/2019 22:43

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 22:43

@jesuisclaude

Thats what he wrote in his note. I'm so sorry I've done this but at least now you will be free from your worries about me and you can get on with your lives

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 22:45

I'm going to leave the thread for abit now as my sleeping tablet has kicked in.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I'd like to come back to the thread tomorrow if that's OK?

OP posts:
weebarra · 07/12/2019 22:48

Oh crazy. In that case I know a bit about how your life has been.
There is nothing you could have done that you did not do. You will have been waiting for that call. I know I was.

danni0509 · 07/12/2019 22:48

Crazydee I hope you get some rest tonight x

Jesuisclaude · 07/12/2019 22:48

Yes, I quite understand that, I’m cautious of saying too much more as obviously very personal, but I remember with a sort of crystal clarity that I had no real concept of that time of people, my family or mother even, grieving for me, or having to then live with that reality AT ALL. I genuinely believed that I would set them free. I say this now so that you can have hope that he died thinking that he was both giving himself relief from an untenable present and giving you a better life. Of course it won’t be better, but in my experience I would have wanted the best for everyone I loved.