The first day without DH

[annandale]

Lying awake not really able to believe it. Dh was alive this time yesterday. Ds sleeping in the room with me.

Lots of people have offered help. Very confused about all the legalities, there has to be a post-mortem

I have to see his parents today

One minute, one hour, one day at a time,

I am sorry for your loss,

Annandale
You did the best you could in a horrific situation. As we all do. Hindsight is all very well, but you didnt have the benefit of hindsight while you were dealing with a frightening, unusual crisis.
You needed the professionals to rescue the situation.
I am so full of guilt and regret, but it comes with a huge amount of
"If only I had known then what I know now".
It is so painful and distressing.
You did your best, and it is clear that you love your dh very much.

Annandale, I'm coming to this somewhat late, and have had to piece together what happened, but I'd like to offer a shred of comfort that, given my experience of mental health services over the last 6 months, nothing you did yesterday would have reliably changed anything.

My mother was sectioned for 3 months, 6 months ago. In the 3 months she's been out of hospital, every time she's seen her psychiatrist, she's been prescribed a drug at the wrong (unobtainable) dose, then nobody, including crisis team, A&E, 111, etc., has been able to do a thing about it, until a day or two later, when it's corrected by the original doctor (when her CPN tells him off).

If you had gone to A&E, you may have had an assessment, or you may not, and it may have been useful or not. You followed advice and did your best.

It isn't your job to risk assess. Don't let that weigh on your shoulders.

A week since Dh died.

It's been really strange. Ds has been so lovely. We are finally back in our house which was very hard at first but a huge relief. The house is constantly full of people which ds is starting to find a bit difficult, but which I do need at the moment - so many years of not being able to have people at home much but now at last I can. He has his room as a haven. I've met with his school and they have set up some great stuff for when he goes back.

I'm feeling grindingly guilty. All the times I was a shit wife are going through my head all the time. Referring myself for counselling is always on my list but somehow never gets to the top. I dread it.

The undertaker is collecting clothes for Dh to be dressed in tomorrow. I can't find any trousers. Dh and I would have made lots of stupid 'more tea vicar' jokes at this point.

Really understandable to be going over all the occasions you think you "could have done better" but obviously you could have only done so much and you were clearly a loving and caring partner. Great that the school are ready to support your DS, and glad for you that you have people around.

No advice to give but just to let you know someone is listening. Frustrating about the trousers.

It's hard, just so hard, but you are doing it

My lovely, I am so sorry you are going though this, and for your loss. Am here to listen whenever you need to talk x

Annandale I am so very sorry about the death of your dh. From what you write he sounds like a very special person.

I don’t know if you are ready for this but if at a later stage you want to do this there is a charity that helps people who have suffered medical negligence - AVMA and they have a helpline. They should be able to direct you to a solicitor who can advise and help you to get answers about the potential issues with medical care. I contacted them for help for potential negligence suffered by a family member and got to see the medical records and an expert opinion on our case and we didn’t pay a penny as it was all done on no win no fee.