The first day without DH

[annandale]

Lying awake not really able to believe it. Dh was alive this time yesterday. Ds sleeping in the room with me.

Lots of people have offered help. Very confused about all the legalities, there has to be a post-mortem

I have to see his parents today

Another day.
Strange because I felt so normal last night. Ate, watched telly, slept pretty well all things considered. These are good things but I am scared, I feel there must be another wave coming? Also scared I will become addicted to the attention. Right now I can say anything to anyone and they will forgive me. That won't always be the case.

So sorry for your loss OP. My husband's dad (my FIL) died in very tragic circumstances over 4 years ago. In truth, because of the circumstances, it did take a long time to even sort out the basics (like getting a death certificate) and the inquest was around 10 months later. This was difficult for the family as everything stayed so fresh and raw, and my husband in particular found it very difficult to grieve. However, over time, things did and have got better. They will for you to. The family are happy and smiling again - you will also feel happy again, although I know that probably seems unrealistic and impossible now.
Accept any help you're offered. I found telephone counselling really useful. What i struggled with most was going back to work and juggling normal day to day life, being a mum, working FT, with the demands of meeting with police etc on an evening. In hindsight, I think I was traumatised. The counselling was incredibly helpful - just being able to cry to someone without putting the burden onto my family helped.
Dont rush into making decisions. Take your time to decide funeral arrangements and what to do with ashes etc. Speak about your husband as often as you can, especially with your children. Make memory books, memory jars, put up photos, plant him a tree in the garden etc. Keep his memory alive.

Allow yourselves to grieve and feel sad, but also talk about the wonderful and funny times.
These next few weeks are going to be bloody horrendous, but you WILL get through this. Shout, cry, scream - don't feel guilty for this. Allow your body to go through the process. Talk about him as often as you need to. Wishing you lots of luck and sending a huge virtual hug.

Thinking of you today.
I am glad you have supportive friends around you.
I am going to offer some advice based on my personal experience. I hope you wont be upset by it.
I strongly suggest that you write an account of events of the days and hours leading up to your appointment at hospital.
Then write a detailed account of the consultation. As much as you can remember. Who was there, who said what.
I know how painful it is, but there will be an inquest. This may not happen until at least 6 months hence.
You will want an accurate hearing because you will want closure and you will want to know that if lessons need to be learned, they will be. You will want to do this for your dh.
You need to put the title and page number on each page.
Make 6 copies.
You should give one to your gp, one to the coroners officer and, if police are involved, one to your liaison officer.
I am sorry to say all this, but I have very good reasons for giving you this advice now. I know it is a hard thing to do and it may take you a while to do it.
Sending you love.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I reiterate Winston's Wish. They are amazing. They will help your DC so much and you too obviously. They do a special 'course' (sorry I can't think of s better word for it- it's a help thing not a course) for those who've suffered loss through suicide. It's called Rough Pebble. It helps with questions etc your child might bring up.
Again, much love to you.

I couldn't read and run. So very sorry for you and your son. It

I am grateful and reading everything, all really helpful x

annandale, we hope you don't mind but we just wanted to pop on here and say that you and your DS are very much in our thoughts. We're so sorry for your loss.

I also wanted to say sorry for your and your ds' loss. What a terrible thing to go through and I am thinking of you.

I know at the moment nothing can ease your shock or your grief but please know that we are here and we will hold your hand when you need us. Know that we are thinking of you and your family and keeping you in our prayers.

Annandale, I'm so sorry for your loss. I read your deleted thread and it broke my heart reading your last comment. Big hugs to you both x

Am an angry woman this morning. Am trying to use the anger strategically. As a result there's a few people covering their arses hopping in various offices.

Do you want to vent on here? You may find that there is knowledge and support to help uou

Annandale much love to you and your ds. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Annandale I'm "glad" I found this thread as I followed your last one, although obviously not glad because of the circumstances. Nevertheless you were in my thoughts a lot and pleased you have friends and support around you.

Annandale
I know.
Try to channel the anger.
Record the facts.
Keep detailed notes of any conversations you have.
Dont allow anyone to take advantage of your distressed state.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am thinking of you and your ds.
It is a long, hard road.

and supportive thoughts.

Annandale, I am so sorry for your loss. How old is your DS? Hope making people hop around in offices is helping. Goodness, that sounds trite. I'm sorry. .

If you think you may want a copy of any medical records you should request them now.
It is possible that they may already have been "misplaced" but you should try.

So sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you and your son.

What a terrible thing your going through OP
So very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you X

I'm not sure they would or even should automatically hand over dh's medical records to me endof. The records of the assessment at the mh hospital 2 hours before he died would certainly be interesting to read.

I think my husband's death could have been prevented. Unfortunately typing up a timeline of events has quickly shown me that I was the one who missed the most obvious chance to do so. In fact i was appropriately advised by poor old 111, which always gets such a lot of stick for being too cautious and sending people to A&E. They told me to go to A&E (with an alternative choice) and I picked the alternative because it was easier (a bit because it was going to be easier for dh, not just for me). Also I think because of the 'crappy advice from 111' rhetoric I've read too much of. And because dh was already in the system waiting for a specialist appointment which I assumed would be the best route in. But if I'd taken him to a&e, he likely would have been assessed by a doctor, not by other health professionals effectively doing a doctor's job in unsupported ways.

Please try not to think that way. You will only make yourself feel more guilty and I don't know that an overstretched A&E would have been able to resource specialist help quickly enough tbh.
I lost a very special person to suicide 20 years ago. The what ifs tortured everyone close to him for a long time. The truth is that none of us could have stopped him, much as we wish we could have.

I am so sorry.
Of course I should not be telling you what to do.
You are in such a difficult place right now.
I hope your friends and family are looking after you and ds.

Oh endof don't worry. I can see that that paragraph looks chippy but actually I was just thinking 'aloud' - hard to get tone right on here. Your posters are helpful, I'm beavering away on my statement as you suggested.

I have no words that can be of any use, but if I could send strength to you, I would. Willing you to be ok.