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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My DH has died in a car crash today.

437 replies

Iwant2move · 01/12/2017 00:23

Is anyone up?

I can’t sleep.

My husband was killed in a car crash today.

We’d just moved house and he was so happy.

OP posts:
ButImNotOldYet · 04/12/2017 06:44

I am so very, very sorry for you loss Iwant2move. I can’t imagine what a gut wrenchingly awful time this must be for you. I am pleased to hear you have such amazing family and friends. Wishing you much love and support.

BulletFox · 04/12/2017 07:05

How are you getting on, Iwant2move?

millimat · 04/12/2017 07:40

There are no words ThanksThanks

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/12/2017 09:12

MNHQ will move your thread OP and I’m sure it will be helpful for you to write down how you’re feeling in the weeks and months to come whatever time of day and that posters will be there for you.

Try not to worry too much about breaking down in front of your children. If anything I’m positive it will help them to open up to how they’re feeling too.

Hope you manage to get in with your GP this morning Flowers

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 04/12/2017 10:16

Hello Iwant2move,

We're going to move the thread over for you now.

We're so very sorry for your loss and we're sending love and support from all at MNHQ. If there's anything else we can do, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

Flowers
MrsMozart · 04/12/2017 19:53

Been thinking of you all lass. I know you wouldn't know me from Eve nor I you, but know a stranger on the internet is sending you love and hugs xxx

purplepandas · 04/12/2017 20:26

No words at all but sending much love to you all. Breaking down is okay. Anything is okay. I am glad to hear that you have some great support. Keep breathing.

purpleviolet1 · 04/12/2017 22:30

Just read this and no words Thanks thinking about you at this very difficult time

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/12/2017 08:53

Another one who thinks it's ok that you showed your real pain to your children. They're old enough to handle it, they should know how much it hurts you as it will them.

Many (((hugs))) to you xx

MyGuideJools · 05/12/2017 13:40

So so sorry Flowers

Hopefullywaiting · 05/12/2017 13:47

How are you op? I have been thinking of you thought i posted sooner than this FlowersFlowers
Xx

chocolatewine · 05/12/2017 14:24

Thinking of you at this devastating time. Flowers

Kahlua4me · 05/12/2017 16:52

I went to Cruse for a few sessions after my mum died. They usually ask people to wait for 3 months before starting but in cases of sudden death they will see you sooner.

Whilst I personally didn’t find the counselling all that beneficial, which may be because it was too early, what did help was me having that hour to unleash my emotions without worrying about the person on the receiving end if that makes sense. Everyone in my life was traumatised too so I was aware of upsetting them whereas I didn’t have to worry about the counsellor.

I am so sorry for your loss and pain.

TheWorldIsMyCakePop · 07/12/2017 12:40

Haven't stopped thinking of you all. I hope that you got to see your GP and that you and the children are giving each other as much support and comfort as you can muster.

Wixi · 07/12/2017 12:43

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost my mum in a car crash last year. It is such a shock. I hope that you have someone with you.

Missingstreetlife · 07/12/2017 12:58

Homeopathic remedies ignatia and staphysagria may help
No shame in breaking down, strange if you don't, your family should know you will get through this. All good wishes.

Original poster
Iwant2move · 09/12/2017 07:25

How the hell do I move on from this?

Everything is just too overwhelming.

I’ve been trying to find a support group for widows. I’m too old (just) to be classed as a young widow but I still have a child in full time education, and, I’m too young for the other groups.

I’m also stuck in a weird administrative limbo. The coroner is reporting to my liaison officer (who is on leave) and the funeral director. I have no contact at all with the coroner’s office. I have not been issued with interim death certificates yet they must have been issued to release my husband’s body.

I don’t know if we can drive the cars because he was the registered keeper. I can’t tax the car my children drive because he was the registered keeper. Without the death certificates, I can’t do anything with the DVLA.

It is just a massive headache and at my lowest moments I think it would be easier to give up.

OP posts:
Ifartrainbowsandglitter · 09/12/2017 07:34

Hello Iwant. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and am sending you hugs and Flowers. When my father in law died recently I rang the DVLA and they were very helpful advising me what to do with his car. When someone dies the tax runs until the death certificate is issued and the notification goes through from the registrar so your kids are probably legal and ok to drive for the time being. DLVA can give you the right advice and they answer the phone really quickly. Google DVLA bereavement.

The admin side of things is really frustrating and slow so try not to have too many expectations. We are three months in and still trying to sort some things out.

derxa · 09/12/2017 07:35

I don’t know if we can drive the cars because he was the registered keeper. If you're insured to drive them you can.
My dear it must be hideous for you. All this admin stuff conspires further to drag you down.
I'm sure you are not too 'old' for WAY. Give them a call.

EllieFredrickson · 09/12/2017 07:36

So sorry for your loss. Having been through a very sudden death of a child I have some insight into how overwhelming it all feels and the sense of wanting to give up.

Is there someone who can advocate for you to take some of the strain? Call the DVLA for example and find out about the certificate? It can be hard to let others help (was for me anyhow) but is there someone? Flowers

Chattycat78 · 09/12/2017 07:39
  • I drove my husbands car for years and he was the registered keeper although it was insured in my name. I also used to update the tax even though he was the registered keeper.
  • the situation with thr coroners office is ridiculous. You need those certificates to sort stuff out. I would get in touch and say you need a different contact you deal with you- be forceful. You shouldn’t be left up in the air like this.
  • is there anyone to help you with this stuff? The endless paperwork is overwhelming when you’re in no Dir state to deal with it. I did all this when my second parent died and I was 32 and had no idea what I was doing but there was no one else to sort it all out.
  • I’m so sorry. Just try to get through every day one at a time. Easy to say and hard to do I know. One day you will feel like you can at least handle it.
Rainshowers · 09/12/2017 07:47

iwant2move do you have a crime number if the police are involved? When dad died we were able to use that when we spoke to the banks to sort out a few bits immediately while we waited on the interim death certificate. Most of the banks/credit cards were really helpful (except for one who I had to argue in circles with but it was kind of cathartic), whoever you call ask to speak with their bereavement team, most have something set up.

I'm still thinking of you all and hope you all have the real life support you need. Flowers

Original poster
Iwant2move · 09/12/2017 08:16

Thank you.
I have spoken to our banks and credit card companies. Some have been excellent (Santander) and others need to improve their training for bereavement cases.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 09/12/2017 12:37

iwant2move. how are you feeling now?
I agree that some times the companies we have to deal with after an bereavement are not always the best. Its so hard.

MollyHuaCha · 12/12/2017 14:15

Thinking of you iwant2move. Thanks

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