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Bereavement

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Original poster

If you lost a loved one in the last few months, how are you feeling today?

130 replies

ElectricMelon · 02/12/2016 20:31

I lost my mum suddenly on the 11th of October and in general I think am coping okay. I am getting on with life the best I can even though most days I don't even want to get out of bed.

I think about her constantly. Most of the time I feel okay and can put on a brave face but every so often I get this overwhelming sadness and I can't stop crying. Usually it's in bed when I'm on my own and it hits me that I won't even see her again.

It's hard because she was only 49 and I spoke to her on the phone like normal and twenty minutes later she was gone. Just like that and they never found a cause.

Today I feel a bit tearful and keep remembering little things she said to me and how we used to cry with laughter together. I just want to phone her up and have a chat and a moan like we used to.

It's Dd's birthday next weekend which I am looking forward to but also dreading. It's going to be hard without her here.

How are others feeling today?

OP posts:
lht22 · 27/03/2017 11:29

sailing
I'm so sorry, that must have been absolutely heartbreaking.
I'm not sure I'd say things get better but you certainly do adjust. I'm now into my 7th month of being without my husband and the gut wrenching pain isn't there 100% of the time, it's still a lot but not all the time.
The feeling of loss is and the reminders come thick and fast but it does become more bearable.
I totally agree that nobody deserves this, it's so hard on those of us left behind Flowers

sailinggirl1780 · 27/03/2017 11:56

Thank you for your reply. I was ok last week, but I knew I'd feel like this again. I can't stop questioning it all and thinking about how he was alone and it was so cold!
I'm so anxious, terrified another family member will just suddenly die. I guess I just have to ride it out.
I'm so sorry to hear about your DH, do you have DC? my mum has lost two husbands and she always said the pain was unbearable and she just missed them holding her hand.
No one prepares you for grief, I lost a sister and my dad when young but I don't remember grieving.

lht22 · 27/03/2017 12:47

I totally understand that, my husband was alone when he died and it breaks my heart wondering if he was in pain as well. I understand that fear too, I have to remind myself that every phone call I get will not be telling me that someone else has died. Something about losing someone so young has made me really aware of my own, and everyone else's, mortality.
Yeah, we have a 4 year old son. He understands to a certain degree but I think he hurts for me when he sees me upset more than anything else.
I'm sorry for your other losses too.

sailinggirl1780 · 27/03/2017 14:04

I was 6 when my dad died, my sister was 4. The police came then, I don't remember much else but I did grieve for him in my teenage years and wished I'd had counselling for that.
It was different to this though as it took so long to come out.
It must be so hard to keep thing at some sense of normality for your son. Mine is 13 and I'm struggling and he's quite independent in some ways.
I feel a bit better today, the sunshine helps but I'm so exhausted.
Thanks so much for replying, hope you get some sunshine today :-)

lht22 · 27/03/2017 14:37

I'll bear in mind that my son might need counselling as a teenager, thank you for mentioning that. He had two sessions initially but they said he's coping fine so that's good.

Thank you, I hope you get some decent sleep soon too.

sailinggirl1780 · 27/03/2017 16:26

Yes, I coped extremely well as a child, and I do as an adult too. But 15-18 were very tricky. I didn't recognise it as grief at the time but just felt an overwhelming sadness and anger. I worked through it. School were great and my mum always supportive so don't worry about it, just keep your eyes open for it. My sister was the same, my brothers were a lot older so I don't know how they coped/grieved.
I'm falling asleep at my desk, I'll definitely sleep tonight!

echt · 06/04/2017 23:29

Something nice. Yesterday I found all our text messages since late 2015 until the day before my DH died. I thought they'd gone forever.It was lovely to scroll through the jokes, photos, get a pint of milk stuff. Smile

bimbobaggins · 07/04/2017 21:14

My ex p , the father of my ds died 3 months ago. Although we had been separated for 2 years I spent a lot of time with him and helping him over his last months.
I cry most days, I can't stop thinking about him and I actually feel as though it's getting more difficult as time goes on. My poor ds who has lost his dad is now having to check how i am .

lht22 · 21/04/2017 20:52

It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow, the first one without my husband. I'm sick of first things without him as there have already been so many.
I've had a really low 2 weeks and I'm not sure why, maybe it's moving through the grief stages, maybe it's all the 'firsts', maybe it's just because this whole situation is so awful.

I'm worried that I'll never be truly happy again, some of my friends are newly pregnant or getting married and, on the surface, I'm pleased for them but it's very superficial. I'm almost jealous that they are just starting their lives together and ours is over.

As always, love and support to everyone who has the misfortune of losing a loved one.

nickpic · 21/04/2017 21:24

Im so glad i came across this thread. I lost my Mum to cancer in november, after a 21 month battle. I think about her all day, and im struggling. I miss her so much, im finding it so hard to understand that she isnt coming back. My friends have lost interest in me i think, they dont bother texting me anymore and that hurts. Even my OH has said i need to get on with my life i dont know where to turn to for a chat

echt · 23/04/2017 04:48

lht22, I know what you mean about feeling jealous. I was at a music event with DD last week, a 60s/70s artists so loads of the middle-aged in the audience. I was corrosively envious of the couples, as I am whenever I see couples of "our" age.

JangleJem · 24/04/2017 08:40

I want to reply to everyone. To hold your hands and hug you fiercely and cry with you all. But I'll just aim my post today at nickpic.

My mum died of cancer 3 months ago and I cry my heart out every day for her. For her fear and pain and my loss and with such powerless RAGE.
I can't yet believe she's left me. Gone. She doesn't exist anymore and I can't get my head round it.

I fell apart. I cried all the time. In the car, in shops, in my sleep, in the shower, while eating, talking, working. I was signed off and just went through the motions. My just-2 year old learned really quickly to say "It's ok. Mum sad Granny. It's ok." My precious lambkin with her big tender heart.

I couldn't stop myself. Couldn't hide it. I'd lost the ability to reign in my emotions! It shocked me, the grief. Like a bomb going off over and over and over again. Me reeling and bewildered. I'm still those things but the bomb goes off less often. I can hold the crying in for when I'm alone. But when I am alone, it comes with such spluttering force.

For no apparent reason, I just now lost the plot. Howled and keened for my beloved BELOVED mum. The children are out and I have a moment to myself to make some phone calls and I just crumble.

Love to us all. Poor all of us.

Chasingsquirrels · 24/04/2017 08:52

I read through this thread in December and have just seen it pop up and have skimmed back to then.
So many losses, so many people left grieving - all in their own ways.

My DH died a month ago, having been diagnosed with cancer last year.
I relate so much to some of the posts on here where others have lost their life partner.

Thoughts to all xx

LittleHo · 24/04/2017 14:36

Coming up to my first birthday without my Mum.

Heart is broken.

JangleJem · 24/04/2017 21:00

Oh little. My heart goes out to you.

AbernathysFringe · 25/04/2017 14:35

Lost my grandmother last year. My mum and I had lived with her until I was 12.
Still very angry about it. About the whole of life really just being a state of denial. Can't seem to appreciate anything without it being tinged with sadness because we can't escape dying. Don't know how to go back to normal where you just get on with things and forget that.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/04/2017 13:55

I lost my mum 18 months ago. It doesn't get easier despite what people say. I know they mean well, but they lie to you. The pain is a raw now as it was then.

LittleHo · 26/04/2017 17:18

Is the pain as raw when it is years since you lost your Mum?

Jankwrs1 · 26/04/2017 23:28

Lost my 17 year old son a year ago. Feel very shut down.

sarahC40 · 28/04/2017 21:34

I understand completely about the rugby - my oh and much loved and much missed dbil shared a passion for it and the premiership final will be emotional this year as it was always spent winding each other up. Oh often says I wish I could just tell him what's just happened... I say do and then the tears come yet again. In the lead up to some major traumatic anniversaries soon and I'm absolutely dreading it. Miss him dreadfully Flowers to everyone on here

tethersend · 28/04/2017 22:10

Birthday Flowers for LittleHo

Lost my mum three weeks ago to sepsis. It felt so sudden and traumatic, and she didn't have a chance to make any arrangements or tell us her wishes for the funeral etc.

Had her funeral today, and feel weirdly peaceful. I organised it all, and was so worried that it wouldn't be good enough for her, or that people wouldn't like it. It was lovely. Lovely to talk about her, to listen to the music she loved, to see people from long ago who had travelled miles to say goodbye. A beautiful place in the forest, and an unconventional funeral which captured her perfectly. Lots of crying, but a final goodbye. I bought luggage tags which people wrote messages to her on, and I tied them to the coffin at the end and had a final chat with her. She was wonderful, and I feel so happy with the send off she had.

Now I just have to live every day without her, which is the scariest thing.

Redlorry123 · 29/04/2017 18:30

I lost my dad to sepsis a few weeks ago too. Its very hard he was so well before hand and went downhill so suddenly. I'm glad you were happy with your mums send off. I miss my dad so much, I am trying so hard to carry on as I know he would want me too. X

tethersend · 29/04/2017 23:24

Sorry to hear that, Red Flowers

echt · 30/04/2017 09:26

tethersend, a good send-off is always a comfort, and I'm glad you had this. Red, so sorry to hear of your dad. Sepsis sound so frightful.

Chasingsquirrels I feel for you. SadThanks

Chloris33 · 17/06/2017 12:10

Today I'm finding the reality and the grief has started hitting me harder. I found it nearly impossible to look after my 2 year old on my own for a few hours, when he was in a difficult and demanding mood, jumping on me etc. and I broke down and cried. Thankfully my husband arrived at that point. I am also 31 weeks pregnant. Sometimes it all feels too much. It helps me greatly if I can just get a bit of time and space to myself, however.

Hugs to everyone going through grief and loss.