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Bereavement

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Original poster

If you lost a loved one in the last few months, how are you feeling today?

130 replies

ElectricMelon · 02/12/2016 20:31

I lost my mum suddenly on the 11th of October and in general I think am coping okay. I am getting on with life the best I can even though most days I don't even want to get out of bed.

I think about her constantly. Most of the time I feel okay and can put on a brave face but every so often I get this overwhelming sadness and I can't stop crying. Usually it's in bed when I'm on my own and it hits me that I won't even see her again.

It's hard because she was only 49 and I spoke to her on the phone like normal and twenty minutes later she was gone. Just like that and they never found a cause.

Today I feel a bit tearful and keep remembering little things she said to me and how we used to cry with laughter together. I just want to phone her up and have a chat and a moan like we used to.

It's Dd's birthday next weekend which I am looking forward to but also dreading. It's going to be hard without her here.

How are others feeling today?

OP posts:
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 02/12/2016 23:22

Hope this works, can't link easily on phone.
www.upliftpost.com/he-was-grieving-over-the-death-of-his-friend-until-an-old-man-told-him-this-simple-truth-mind-blowing/

chipmonkey · 02/12/2016 23:29

endofthelinefinally darling, I am so very sorry. There is no grief like the grief of losing a child. I will say that you won't get over it and you and I know that. But over time, it gets easier to bear and the light slowly lights again. And you will want to go on although it's not the same life. All my love to you. It's a hard time of year 💔💔

AHobbyaweek · 02/12/2016 23:30

I lost my mum on the 22nd October, my DDs first birthday. She had cancer for 18 months and was 52.

I'm 25 and it sounds awful but I am really angry that I didn't get to have those later years like others when they are 30/40 and talking about silly things like wrinkles and the kids talking back to you. It's silly really what thoughts appear that make you feel so much pain that if you really let it loose, you might never come back from it.

Sometimes in the car I just lose it to the sobs and I have to stop. Work people do seem to care but I don't want to tell them that the reason I have been late twice this week is that I can't leave my car because of crying.

They are all talking about Christmas and I just want to say 'shut up. No I haven't brought presents yet, I don't want to think about it at all ok, I already need to plan Christmas dinner for my step dad, 14 year old sister and 20 year old brother. Can that be enough.'.

Sorry that was a but of a rant.

echt · 03/12/2016 08:46

My DH died suddenly five months ago, and the circumstances were traumatic, as I'm now discovering as I can see I have some symptoms of PTSD: specifically hyper arousal ( not in a good way :o) I function perfectly well in my job, but I've hit a huge wall of despair and grief. I plan for the future, the house, the pension, etc. but feel so flat and, well, dead inside.

My life's companion is gone; no-one to have fun with, to talk with.

I'm weeping as I write this.

EsmesBees · 03/12/2016 09:53

It is a hard time of year. Some very sad stories on this thread. I feel that because I appear on the outside to be coping everyone just assumes I am. But really I'm just keeping going because I need to for dd and because I need to work to pay the mortgage. DH is great but doesn't get the depth and extent of the grief. He's never lost anyone close so I can see why. It's overwhelming.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 03/12/2016 10:03

Oh op, your mum was v young.

And to everyone else Flowers

I lost dad this summer. (Mum twenty years ago- v different deaths) I'm fine in the day- no discernible difference- but as soon as I get in bed I replay his dying days and his bewilderment- it was pretty awful - and I can't get it out of my head.

BigFatBollocks · 03/12/2016 10:32

My dad died 3 days before Xmas (2yr anniversary coming up), but it still feels so recent. The only difference is I don't cry as much, especially in public. Night times are awful. I usually wake in the night and I will always think of him.
Flowers for everyone on here.

villandry · 03/12/2016 11:06

Not quite so recent but my dad died just after Christmas three years ago. Collapsed at a party on Christmas Eve and died in hospital a couple of days later. Christmas is a difficult time with all the memories. Also, it's looking like this will be my mother-in-law's last Christmas, and that's casting its own shadow. My thoughts are with all of you who have lost anyone. I think the grief is sharper at this time of year, it emphasises the love we felt.

Leapling · 03/12/2016 11:18

My DD died 10 weeks ago whilst we were on holiday. I thought things were getting easier but today is like day 1. I just miss her so much. I can't believe she's not here and won't be getting her first Christmas - I'd already got her a stocking. My DS is 3 and it's the first Christmas he understands so I can't let him down.

I've been on the go all week but this morning DH and DS are at his activity and I'd usually be having time with DD.

I hate seeing everyone else's excitement. I want her back so much.

Pleasemrstweedie · 03/12/2016 11:19

Utterly awful, since you ask.

My mother died in July. She had been NC with me for 28 years, because I was not married to DD2's father, but had been verbally, physically and emotionally abusive all my life. Her solicitors had lost my contact details, so it was three weeks before I knew she had died and I found out from a notice in the newspaper. Her executors ignored her very specific wishes for her funeral even though they knew about them. She left me her personal possessions, which meant I had to clear her filthy flat.

Her Will left all her money to charity. I've just discovered this week that her estate was worth four times my realistic estimate. I have no idea where so much money came from. It would have been enough to set my DDs up, but she ignored them both all their lives.

I am in counselling with Cruse, but the counsellor, lovely though she is, has never heard of a case like this before. Today I am mostly suffering constant flashbacks that reduce me to a howling wreck and massive anxiety that makes me feel sick. I'm waiting for the sun to hit the yardarm so I can start drinking, which pushes both the flashbacks and the anxiety away and enables me to function.

It is not lost on me that she is as abusive in death as in life.

Original poster
ElectricMelon · 03/12/2016 11:41

Leapling I cried reading your comment. I don't know what to say other than how sorry I am for your loss, I can't begin to imagine your heartache Sad

Sending massive hugs to you Flowers

OP posts:
newpup · 03/12/2016 11:58

echt X

Leapling · 03/12/2016 12:33

This time of year is just so hard - especially as it's our first big date without her.

Thank you OP for starting this thread and giving me a chance to just say what I was feeling. And to everyone else for sharing - it's never going to be easy but we can make it less isolating and have a place to express ourselves freely.

beelover · 03/12/2016 15:25

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I lost my Mum in August, she was very old and sick and her death was not unexpected and I thought I was coping well but the last few days have suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I am feeling unbearably sad. I have done exactly the same as other posters and been pushing down all the tears and emotions for fear of being completely overwhelmed if I ever let it out. Not sure what to do except carry on but equally not sure if that is healthy or not. Hugs to everyone who has lost someone, I guess we are all mostly feeling the same x

sarahC40 · 05/12/2016 23:21

So, so sorry for everyone on here who's suffering. We lost my lovely bil in June at the age of forty. Tonight, whilst looking for a poem for my class, I stumbled across the lyrics to a song quoted at his funeral. Literally broke my heart again. I don't know how to feel better yet...just holding on. Anyone else absolutely dreading Christmas? X

Original poster
ElectricMelon · 07/12/2016 14:45

sarahC40 sorry for your loss. It's the little things that set off the tears isn't it. I am dreading Christmas as well, it's just not going to be the same ever again x

OP posts:
EsmesBees · 08/12/2016 15:23

It is the little things that get you. I was mentally running through my Xmas shopping list on my way home, and thought 'mustn't forget the dried fruit for mum' and then immediately remembered and started sobbing on the tube. Again. it just sometimes feels very unfair. I'm only 34 and this feels all wrong.

leapling I wish you some peace this Christmas. It must be so hard with a toddler to keep going for.

Sofabitch · 08/12/2016 15:24

I lost my nan suddenly in August.. day to day I seem to be ok. But then suddenly I get hit out of no where with an all consuming grief.

sarahC40 · 08/12/2016 21:40

Hi Electric - sorry rubbish at the tecky stuff and can't bold your name! Dh has told me tonight that Christmas is too much. Pil are not coping well and I'm dreading it all. Really emotional tonight - landmark day and can't I can't seem to stop leaking from the eyes. Thanks for reaching out. Hope you're ok today - thinking of you all x

mineofuselessinformation · 08/12/2016 22:22

I'm dreading Christmas. DM will be with me, having lost DF recently. I have two dcs, old enough to understand, but it feels like it will be a charade.
DM is so lonely, and I don't know how to make it better for her.

Pinkplumber · 09/12/2016 23:04

It was my Dads funeral today, he was only 62. I didn't know him most of my life, just for last ten years, I am now 37. I miss him more than I imagined I would. I feel broken now, I wish I could have had longer with him.

Original poster
ElectricMelon · 10/12/2016 11:16

EsmesBees I keep doing the same. I see stuff and think 'ooh mum would love that' and then remembering Sad

Hugs to everyone. It's going to be hard but we will get through christmas somehow Flowers

It's Dd's 3rd birthday tomorrow and my mum was supposed to be helping me with the party etc. I am absolutely dreading it. I have to pretend to be excited for Dd but everytime she mentions it I get this awful sinking feeling Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ElectricMelon · 10/12/2016 11:17

Pinkplumber so sorry for your loss Flowers

OP posts:
AHobbyaweek · 11/12/2016 08:07

The strangest things make you so sad. I was in ikea and saw some placemats I'm a style that mum had been after for ages. I just couldn't stop the tears. Also when I cry really badly I can't speak and it's hard to explain to DH what is wrong. It sounds stupid to say, it's because of tea towels.

EsmesBees · 13/12/2016 21:38

I do the same thing AWeek. It's so hard to explain when it's something seemingly inconsequential sets you off.

Had my work Christmas do today and everyone was chatting away about their families and Christmas plans, and I just felt so sad but obviously couldn't say anything. It's too early for me to talk about memories of my mum. And I find it hard to talk about plans for this year because of the gaping hole there will be. Most of them have no idea what's happened, which I'm glad of, but it's so hard to make pleasant chit chat about Christmas at the moment.

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