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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

If you lost a loved one in the last few months, how are you feeling today?

130 replies

ElectricMelon · 02/12/2016 20:31

I lost my mum suddenly on the 11th of October and in general I think am coping okay. I am getting on with life the best I can even though most days I don't even want to get out of bed.

I think about her constantly. Most of the time I feel okay and can put on a brave face but every so often I get this overwhelming sadness and I can't stop crying. Usually it's in bed when I'm on my own and it hits me that I won't even see her again.

It's hard because she was only 49 and I spoke to her on the phone like normal and twenty minutes later she was gone. Just like that and they never found a cause.

Today I feel a bit tearful and keep remembering little things she said to me and how we used to cry with laughter together. I just want to phone her up and have a chat and a moan like we used to.

It's Dd's birthday next weekend which I am looking forward to but also dreading. It's going to be hard without her here.

How are others feeling today?

OP posts:
CPtart · 02/12/2016 20:50

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My DM was killed in a car accident in September. She was 69. Her partner was critically injured, is still in hospital and has moved to the other end of the country to be near his family. He won't be coming back although we will stay in touch. We now have to sell DM's house. My DF died 17 years ago so officially I'm an orphan now! My grandma also died 6 months ago. This year has been terrible.
It's DS1 birthday on Sunday and my mum always came for tea and made a fuss. Am dreading it tbh, and xmas.
Feeling very sorry for myself and wishing it were January.
Flowers to you

Primadonnagirl · 02/12/2016 20:56

It so awful..Lost my Mum in June ..79 years old but very suddenly and in front of my eyes. Today is an OK day but it is so up and down I could be in floods of tears tomorrow..I'm dreading Christmas without her to be honest.I feel for all of us in this position.

Primadonnagirl · 02/12/2016 20:57

But I think our Mums would want us to keep on keeping on so I try to take comfort from that

FiveGoMadInDorset · 02/12/2016 21:00

My Dad died a year ago on Sunday, he was on holiday, we couldn't have the funeral unti. January so Christmas was difficult, next Thursday is my sisters funeral and DH is currently undergoing chemo and the outlook is not great, so this time of year is now not fabulous but we wake up and we go to bed and take everything that is thrown at us in between

OohhThatsMe · 02/12/2016 21:01

Thankfully, I've had a completely different experience. My dad died this year, aged 92. We had a year's warning when he wasn't ill, just very, very tired. He died of heart failure.

I think we've all been able to accept his death really easily - there was no way he would've wanted even another month of life, given how tired he was. It was a natural end to a long and healthy life.

The idea of losing your parent suddenly is horrific. I would be beside myself and I know it would have taken me a long time to come to terms with it. I'm so sorry for anyone who's in this position.

Flowers
bigbuttons · 02/12/2016 21:02

So sorry for all your loses.
I lost my dad in June. I cried the day he died but haven't been able manage anything more than a few tears since. I miss him deeply and whenever I think of him the pain is unbareable still. I wish I could let the sadness out but I am scared it will swallow me up.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 02/12/2016 21:04

electric so sorry for your loss, what a shock and great sadness to y and so young

Primadonnagirl · 02/12/2016 21:06

I completely understand that sense of not wanting to "give in " to the grief.Not because I think it's a weakness..not at all...but because you have a family , work etc. And you feel life has to go on. But deep inside all you want to do is go to a safe place and cry your heart out

EsmesBees · 02/12/2016 21:09

I've been struggling a bit today actually. My Dm died in August after a horrible illness. She loved Christmas and hearing the first Xmas song on the radio earlier suddenly floored me. Normally I'm just keep on going, but occasionally it hits me.

endofthelinefinally · 02/12/2016 21:10

I am so sorry for everyone here who is grieving.

I lost my 27 year old son 3 months ago.
I am broken hearted and on the edge of tears all the time.
I think the reality is sinking in and I miss him every day.
He is my first thought when I wake up in the morning, and my last thought at night.
I don't know how to keep going to be honest.
I grieve for my baby, my lively toddler, my lovely little boy and the handsome, clever and talented young man he became.
Sad

EsmesBees · 02/12/2016 21:10

That's exactly it primadonna. You simply can't keep crying the whole time however much you want to.

Primadonnagirl · 02/12/2016 21:11

Yep, it's those little unexpected things that can hit you hardest. Thanks OP for this thread... I don't have the answers but it's helpful to talk about it

thereinmadnesslies · 02/12/2016 21:14

My mum died suddenly in May. She was only 60. My dad died age 54 so I share CPtart's feeling of being an orphan.
I still cry every day. Just something small sets it off. We are in the middle of emptying and selling the house which is so hard.

My mum loved Christmas and I don't know how to do it without her. She completely spoiled my DCs. Its shallow I know, but I think it will really hit home to them when they are not overwhelmed with presents. I alternate between wanting to go completely OTT on xmas or wanting to hide in a cupboard until January

CPtart · 02/12/2016 21:21

My dad was only 54 too.
I felt the grief well up inside tonight driving home from work, like something pressing on my chest. I feel if I start crying I'll never stop so I push it down inside. Not healthy probably.

CPtart · 02/12/2016 21:23

endoftheline I have sons.
So sorry for your loss. There are no words.

mineofuselessinformation · 02/12/2016 21:25

Oh yes to something small setting it off. For me, it is particularly music, or even worse, receiving a text on my phone headed dad mobile (it was from DBro using his phone, fair enough, but dear God it hurt to see).
I lost my DF at the end of October, and am still trying to help DM. That's very hard as she needs support, but I don't really feel like I have grieved properly yet. I 'have my moments' which are incredibly painful.
Things are yet to settle after having family here (for both me and DM), so I have no idea how things will go with DM, and I am finding that thought stressful.
Hugs to all of you going through this.

Primadonnagirl · 02/12/2016 21:28

I used to play Words with Friends with Mum and I can't bear to delete it as it has some lovely messages from her... but every so often the app sends emails message saying " Primas Mum is waiting to play with you" and it breaks my heart

thereinmadnesslies · 02/12/2016 21:31

omg prima that must be horrible.

We have to delete my mum's Facebook account. That feels so final.

Primadonnagirl · 02/12/2016 21:34

In my stronger moments it makes me smile, but you are right therein it is awful...but I just can't face deleting it

bigbuttons · 02/12/2016 21:56

My dad's fb account is still there. I never want it to go. I have a message on my answer phone from him. When the messages fill up I will buy new phones rather than delete it.
I am hoping that once I have done a full year without him that things will start to get better.

Original poster
ElectricMelon · 02/12/2016 22:30

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am so sorry for your losses Flowers

I think it helps to talk about it but I have no one in real life to talk about it all with. I am only 27 and (fortunately) none of my friends have lost anyone close to them so I don't talk about it to anyone. Like other posters I try and keep it all in and push it down. I hate to cry in front of people and I am also scared it will engulf me if I let it all out and I will fall apart.

Occasionally I just can't hold it in and it takes over for a few moments and I sob so much it makes my chest ache the whole next day.

Like PP my mum also spoiled Dd and went overboard every year at Christmas and birthdays but she was her only grandchild and she loved that little girl more than anything. It's just not fair.

My mum keeps popping up on my 'memories' on Facebook. Just seeing that she had liked one of my status' from a year or two ago sends my heart plummeting into my stomach. All I think is she did that when she was alive and now she isn't and it's awful. I am unsure whether to delete her account but I feel like we are erasing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElectricMelon · 02/12/2016 22:33

endofthelinefinally I am so so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine your pain Sad

OP posts:
missmeg3leg · 02/12/2016 22:59

good evening all & big hugs to all those grieving.....1 year ago today my wonderful mum left us after a couple of days illness, aged 66, a few days earlier we were having a girly Christmas shopping day, she loved christmas.....
its shit, really, really shit & I'm broken...

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 02/12/2016 23:19

Cake and Brew for everyone on here who is dealing with grief and loss.
My fiancé died very suddenly in July. It was a traumatic and scary time as we were on holiday with the DC.
Whilst i still cry daily and sometimes have these great big, gulping, silent intakes of breath (so DS8 doesn't hear) which give me days of indigestion, the feelings of loss are becoming more bearable.
I don't feel quite so often that i am being given constant body blows, that's so much better than before, as that feeling is very difficult to manage. I'd say that the sorrow is still there but either time and/or my Anti-depressants are taking the sharpness away if that makes sense.
It's so very, very hard though. I'm trying to do things differently, for example wrap stocking presents up at the table, not on the floor of the living room etc.The associations are so visceral. I am absolutely bloody dreading hearing my once beloved Fairytale of New York as DP and I would slow dance in the kitchen to it. There are so many triggers at this time of year, i do worry about how it's going to be for our grieving little family of 3.
A friend wrote me an incredibly kind letter detailing a story about an elderly man and his experiences of grief. I'll look for a link as i have found it helpful.
Another helpful thing for us was to get a dog. New routines, new blossoming love, lots of exercise etc. I'm not ashamed to admit that i adore our dog. Even though i can smell something right now which is decidedly unpleasant.
I'm sorry for everybody else suffering on this thread. Please be kind to yourselves, rip up the rulebook and play things by ear.
(Unmumsnetty hugs and kleenex for the whole soggy lot of us) .x

chipmonkey · 02/12/2016 23:20

My husband died in April. He is with our daughter now; she died five years ago. He left me to finish raising our four sons alone. They range from 20 to 8.

If it were just me, Christmas could fuck right off. But it has to happen. Because ds3 and ds4 are 11 and 8. And Santa has to come and Christmas dinner will mean more guests because I invited four more adults because ds1 and ds2 are too young to feel obliged to be proper adults. My Mum will be here and it will be the first Christmas that she doesn't host her own dinner. Because she loves me.

And it's just another day. We will laugh and we might cry. But that's ok.