Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

closed so sorry for your loss

It is odd when all of a sudden a person is just gone ! I expected the world to stop when my mum died, I could not believe people were walking about doing shopping and mundane things, didn't they all know my mum had just died ? It was strange. I still find it hard to believe sometimes that I can never see my lovely mum again. But she will always be in my thoughts and my heart. And her genes will be in my children and grandchildren, so she surely lives on in part. Just like your dad stillliving you have his genes Your dad carries on through you.
closedaura how awful to have had this awful loss on your birthday.
I think that it does all seem surreal when it first happens, and it sounds like you had a shock when your dad died and that also affects you. What a shocking situation for you. Do you have other family who will support you during thus sad time or good friends. This is a time when we actually find out who our real friends are.
Have all the funeral arrangements been put in place now.
It is a very upsetting time for you and your family, but eventually things settle down to a more even keel, that us not to say you still won't be grieving, but there will be less of the terrible gut wrenching tears. 💐

weirdly i haven't had those deep gut wrenching tears.....so i guess that is to come

funeral is all pretty much sorted, only to decide if my 2 brothers and i will give a eulogy

but i have a weird relationship with my parents, my whole family pretty dysfunctional and not one for talking about stuff so the weirdness continues

and of course while dad had been ill for years he never thought to leave a will or event sort out his papers.....so that's just a whole big mess looming over us for the new year

but yeah, got RL support from my brothers and their partners, as well as my DH who is well meaning but sometimes says the wrong thing. my best friend, while at the other end of the country, phones and texts too

and paddle sorry for your loss....that sounds tough.
we had a strange kind of christmas as my dad had ordered presents for everyone online....I just had to open up all the boxes and work out who they were meant for

closed that's very hard
My sister post pic my dad last as on fb and put Xmas past.I text her.she said was drinking whisky she had bought him for xmas and that the Hanky's to go with it would come in useful for the funeral
He has had dementia and Parkinson's a few years,along diabetes.he was found by carers (assume fall) and ambulance took hospital.my sis next kin wasn't contact til sun(happen Fri) by lady x the road ask dad was better.she's furious as he was still lucid when they took him away as charted lady x road.by time sis c him he wasn't talking and never spoke again.he diagnose chest infection and cellulitis in legs sun.Mon Eve moved critical care as fluid build round heart and in lungs.Tues I see him.he die early hours wed after withdrew treatment as kidneys were failing.I remember him as such a strong vital man and he lay there so vulnerable and weak gasp for air in oxygen mask with strange gurgling noise..then when I see him in final hour minus all tubes and wires, skin yellowing a little I just wished I'd spent more time with him in final years (fallout start by my sis n we didn't talk)this man was a virtual stranger,yet not?bugger,starting to cry n kids asking what's wrong

stillliving that sounds hard, i hope you have some support too and don't feel so alone.
i'm also finding posting here a help.
my dad had been ill for years. on oxygen for the last 5/6 years due to lung problems- although he never said what they were (more not talking)
he was diabetic, had angina, high blood pressure inside his heart and had been having "funny turns" since last christmas which were usually angina stacks but were on occasions heart attacks.
still comes as a shock though. he had been in hospital twice in the week before he died. both times they kept him in overnight and just tweaked his mess. part of me is wondering if it might have made a difference if he'd been kept in and they'd done more tests.....
i'd got him a christmas card,which i obviously didn't get to give him, but i've got to write it tonight so the undertaker can put it in his coffin, just don't know what to say

Whatever you like
He knew you loved him,so you could recall a special moment you have together or if you believe heaven.afterlife that you look forward see him again
And of you can't think of anything just sign your name with a kiss
You can still " talk" to him anytime of course so if something goes unsaid o. Paper you will always be able say it in your heart and mind and whilst your love still lives on for him there he will live on inside you
X

Hi everyone and I'm so sorry for those who have lost people over Christmas...and those of us still grieving for loved ones...the kids and me managed despite the odds to get away on our trip to London for Christmas..it had some bittersweet moments when I saw things my Mum would have loved and I had some tears but thankfully was able to keep them away from the kids...they were great company and we had a surprisingly good time and got loads done...one of them 'missed our normal Christmas and wants to do normal next year' so that was hard because we can't have that 'normal' Christmas anymore...we are home exhausted and peopled out but Christmas was a 'success' and I didn't spend it wanting to no longer be here so it has given me a bit of hope for the future.next hurdle Is now to get though this weekend on my own because kids will be at their 'fathers'.. I have been invited to a family thing but don't know if I can face it esp as they haven't seen/contacted me since Mums death. I would rather stay in on my own all weekend in my pjs.

I'm so happy to see that your holiday took place. That was a big step to take. If you can I would go to your family while the children are away, you will only be sat on your own thinking through everything. Even if you only go for a couple of hours,it will be a bit of distraction for you. And you can't let him ruin the rest of your life, go out and live it for yourself and your children. 💐

Hope you don't mind an addition.
I lost my wonderful grandfather a few weeks ago to cancer. He was more like a father to me and we were extremely close. We had a really special bond that some family members sometimes seem quite annoyed by. I guess thats because they adore him too.
I watched him deteriorate during his final days alongside his children and feel somewhat traumatised by the experience. However, I was expected to return to work the following day given that he was "just a grand-parent" and I've been plodding along anxiously ever since. My DM was signed off work by her doctor for 4 weeks following his death, along with her sisters, buy I'm expected to just keep going because he wasn't my biological father, yet he was in every other sense of the word.
My employer has been extremely unsympathetic, comparing my grief to other colleagues who have lost grand-parents, although I've made it quite clear he was much more so. I feel like my grief and sadness for him has been disregarded somehow and yet, I feel completely saddened and traumatised by his death.

Hello pum I really do get how unhappy you must be feeling, when my beloved grandad died it was like the end of the world. I adored him throughout my childhood and into adulthood. He was very special to me. So I understand the grief. Sadly I really didn't have much time to grieve for him as I then lost a sister 8 weeks to the day after he died. I don't like the only a grandparent. They are very special to some of us ( am now one myself ) I think some people underestimate the closeness that can be had with a loving grandparent. You certainly have my sympathy. Ironically a year later on what would of been his birthday I myself had a little grandson born ! He enhanced my life such a lot and we too have a very close bond as I do with my two gd,s.
Can you go sick from work for a couple of days ?

What a dreadful time that must have been losing them in such close succession Mummylin. So sorry.
I'm probably going to keep plodding now, but I just feel so upset with my employer for the lack of empathy considering how close we were. I explained all of this to her in the weeks leading up to his death, even informed her of the awful experience I had in comparison with my actual father. Of how my grandfather stepped up and just became my dad. I didn't even get any condolences from.her when I returned to work, just an email with a list of things to do. I just feel so upset that my grief doesn't count somehow. It shouldnt matter what label people have should it, it's the closeness of the relationship that counts. So difficult when there's little time to grieve.

Yes I quite agree with you pum but I suppose if someone dosent have the same relationship themselves with their grandparent, then they have no idea what closeness can be between grandparent and grandchild. I used to spend most of the summer holidays at my grandads house and he used to bring me tea and toast in bed !! He would leave me some money to spend on the fireplace and I always felt so special.and as an adult I was there often, at least 3 times a week, whereas my siblings didn't bother too much. I was the same with my Gran, she was lovely too. And yes I was the first grandchild, and spoilt rotten by them !

Pum.

Sorry to hear that your employer is being so unsympathetic, I hate how there is a hierarchy of grief and the expectation to carry on like normal as Mummylin says when people aren't as close to their grandparents they don't get how much of a parent they can be for many people. If you are struggling please see your Dr as they could sign you off if you need it. I found that my grief hit me months down the line and has triggered mental illness so have ended up taking do more time off later on rather than when it happened.

Its ridiculous grieving is so black and white to many.someone special can be anyone such as a grandparent or someone that "adopted" you/special friend.if you heart breaks for the loss of them it matters.end of
I have gone through two boxes if dads knick nacks
He has huge collection clocks (had dementia and hoarded a bit before got to unsteady/unwell go out alone)some various buts n bits I'd never clap eyes on before.bury at bottom one box wasy mothers silver rose bowl.its in need if some love to get ut shiny but I held it and wept.she grew roses and bought ut so could bring some her favourite bloom in in summertime.I've not seen that bowl in over 20years and I held it like a precious baby as I wept
Glad I opt go thru ut before kids got up.I still have another box and a lot photos.I not ready deal pictures yet.need go thru other box next few days as I lack space and am tripping over it. I saw one mums ornaments peep out when it came in,so have been avoiding that....

Feeling weirdly emotional today. 2016 has been the year that I lost my mum and in a way I don't want to step into a new year without her if that makes sense?

Yes ala it makes over feet sense to me.
It is horrible going into a new year, because it then becomes" I lost mum/ dad last year " and it sounds so far away.
Still it s heartbreaking having to sort through stuff which can hold so many memories. I too have a rose bowl along with boxes of stuff I haven't gone through. It's something I need to do and I can't imagine what on earth I have "saved" from mums house. I even gave scraps of paper that she wrote on. Maybe I will manage to do it in 2017 !!

To everyone on this thread, Be it a longer or recent poster. Our hearts have all been broken, but together it helps to make us stronger.
I wish you all the happiness and peace that you all deserve in the coming new year. Thankyou for all making this thread a place to unload. 💐🍷

Perfect not feet !!!!

I am so sorry for your devastating loss, I hope you can raise an enormous amount of funds. I hope your little dd continues to do well 💐

I have not posted on this thread before, My mum died in June.I have been dreading new year, I don't want to leave my mum behind in 2016. Does that make any sense?
Sometimes I listen to the music we had at her funeral and almost wish it was that day again, as it was only a few days since she was alive and I spoke to her. Now she just seems further and further away....

for everyone else who is here too.

Wizard - that's exactly how I feel. I think back to this time last year when she was in and out of hospitals with infection after infection and I feel almost nostalgic for those days when everything revolved around her. In many ways it was simpler times although I obviously didn't think that then. I'd give anything to rewind the clock and go back to those days.

I've learned as long as you hols them in your heart and remember them often they are still with you,regardless of whether was yesterday or years they had to leave.they are never really gone til you stop remembering and loving them. To all on this thread I wish 2017 sees you at a place where you can remember happy times and memories with those we miss.laugh at things they would've, talk to them still.often.and that the heartbreak and pain becomes manageable. X

Hold them

wizard it is sad moving on to the next year and yes it does seem like we are leaving them behind. But really we aren't, they are in our hearts and in our thoughts. Everytime we mention them, we are thinking of them. As it's the first new year it can be incredibly upsetting, I was a gibberish wreck on the first New Year's Eve, even worse than the first Christmas Day. It was horrible.