Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hello Grey
I hope today is going as okay as it can be. Sending all my support and thinking of you.

Our funeral is tomorrow morning. I have a meeting for DS in the evening and it's strange to think that life is going to move on that quickly after. I'm looking forward to it all being over really, dad has been gone a couple of weeks now and it's starting to feel a bit dragged out which makes it even harder I feel.

Hi imavin I Expect you will feel relieved that after waiting for two weeks the funeral will be here and before you know it, it's all over. The time leading up to it is horrible
On a happier note, I have only seen today that you are having a baby girl ! How lovely for you and something exciting to look forward to.
Hope all goes well tomorrow .

Thinking of you today iamvin, sending you lots of strength and hoping you find some comfort in the funeral today.

Thank you and mummylin for the thoughts yesterday, as everyone here had promised it really was ok.

Grey and Mummylin Thank you for your messages, it wasn't too bad and I didn't get as upset as I thought I would, I was more upset last night really.
I am quite relieved it's all over now, but it was a lovely service and everyone commented on how much they thought he would have liked it.
Feel exhausted now though, the rest of the family are having a little nap and I think I might later on.

I am so glad that grey and imavin have got through what has to be one of the most stressful days of your life. I think it certainly does help to have family and friends around and yes it's lovely to see how much someone is really cared for. Both of you now need to look after yourselves, don't expect too much of yourselves, just take one day at a time for now

Mummylin That's the plan, just relaxing and seeing the happy things in life. :) On that note, just waiting for the Chinese to turn up!

Hi all

My mum died 17 days ago. We had her funeral on Tuesday, which was an oddly nice day, but I am struggling now that the adrenaline has faded. I feel as if I just want to shut myself away from everyone and never deal with anything at all ever again. I keep getting work emails through on my phone and it all just seems so stupid and irrelevant and unimportant; I can't see how I will ever give a toss about any of this again. I can't even think what to have for dinner without wanting to cry because who the fuck cares about bloody dinner when your mum has just died?

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm dreading it.

Grey and ima I'm glad you got through the funerals ok. It was a very surreal experience for me, we had I wait s few weeks so it was better to finally do it and the service was so lovely and well attended.

Saffy I'm so sorry for your loss. If you aren't ready to go back to work then are you able to take some more time off with a sick note? I'm on maternity leave but my sister took about four or five weeks to go back. I couldn't have Gone back after three weeks and functioned.

Take each day as it comes. You'll find that times will seem ok and then suddenly it will all seem like it just happened and it's very difficult to believe it, just take care of yourself and talk to someone when you need to. This thread has been wonderful for me so far, I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly six months ago but it still seems very much like yesterday xx

Thanks little - unfortunately I really can't get out of going back tomorrow but the week after will be much more flexible so I can take some time then. It's going to be a really busy and long day which I suppose will keep me occupied. I don't think sitting around the house has really helped for the last couple of days.

I am terribly worried about my dad. My mum was really ill with mental health Issues for years before she died and even though it was so, so hard for him (and us all, really) at times he really stuck by her and cared for her. I am worried he's going to really struggle without all of that going on, even if lots of it was difficult or unpleasant at the time. I know he feels lots of guilt - he shouldn't but he does - and probably quite a lot of anger too. He was talking today about sorting the money and wills etc and for the first time ever he sounded like a slightly confused older man, not my strong and capable dad who always knows the answer. I wish I could make it better for him.

I know that deep down he would like us (me, dp, ds) to come and live with him. The house is easily big enough and to be honest if it was just me and ds I wouldn't think twice, I'd just be there. But I don't think dp will go for it. I do understand why, but I already feel torn. Thinking of my dad all alone in his big house makes me miserable.

Hi Saffy very sorry for the loss if your mum. I understand how you feel that nothing is very important right now, I felt the same. I could not possibly understand how everything and everyone around me was just going on the same as usual, didn't they all know my mum had just died ! It was a very weird time. Bereavement dies make you think what really us important to us, and yes getting dinner in the grand plan of things is very unimportant !
This weekend is the anniversary of my mums death and I am already stressing about it, I know I am going to go through the whole day, minute by minute. And for the first time the actual day is the same day of the week that she died. And that will be 5 years. It still seems a much shorter time, I must think or talk about my mum every single day. I will never get over her sudden death, but I have learnt to live with it.
Take your time to do your grieving, there are no rules and everyone is different. Grief can be quite lonely, but it does help if there are others who will support you.

saffy I'm really so sorry to hear about your mum. It must be very hard to feel torn between your dad and your DH - I understand a little as I live very far from my mum and always feel like I'm not doing enough to support her in her grief for my dad ( and just practically). I guess we can only ever do our best and try to take comfort on that, please don't get lost yourself in trying to be everything to everyone else. I'm also due back at work next week and dreading it . I'm sure we will both get through it though!

mummylin I hope the anniversary of your mum's death passes as peacefully as possible for you. You are so kind to everyone on this thread and have such a lovely, comforting way with words. I may not be able to express it as eloquently as you can but I will be thinking of you this weekend. I obviously didn't know your mum, but I can't imagine anyone wouldn't be proud to have a daughter who has such compassion for others.

Still here and reading but just not able to post much at min..bit of a (major) wreck and feel like I can't be much help but just wanted to say I'm thinking of everyone...hope this weekend goes By as best it can Munnylin- I will be thinking of you and everyone else.

Thanks for your responses and I hope this weekend is as peaceful as possible for you mummylin.

Not a great day today. Dp and I have argued over something stupid and he is now ignoring me. I have cried a lot today and feel pretty low and weary. He wanted me to make a decision about next year's (completely unaffordable) holiday and since I can hardly see further then next week right now, it didn't go well.

I have wondered for a long while, in and off, what exactly my relationship contributes to my general happiness and this kind of thing doesn't make me feel too positive about us. I'm not about to make any big decisions, but bereavement does throw some stuff into sharp relief doesn't it?

I'm off to see dad in an hour or so, relishing the chance to sit quietly and talk with someone who's not going to sulk because I'm not back to 'normal' less than 3 weeks post-bereavement.... This all really just sucks.

I am of course reliving every minute of today as it's the last day I had with my mum, none of us knew what was around the corner tomorrow morning. I am heavy hearted today.
Saffy I also think it's too early for you to decide on something fir next year when it's so early in your grief , that us enough to consume you for now. I don't know what it is with some men, even my Dh who was pretty good at the time, only three weeks later was merrily singing away to the very song we had just had at mums funeral, when it came on the radio. He could not understand why I was so upset and angry !
I don't think they mean to do things, they are just pretty thoughtless, just when we need them to actually have some thought !
For now, just take things easy and one day at a time. Serious decisions probably left for a while as you have enough to deal with for now

Hi
Its very comforting to read other people's experiences. My DM was killed in a car accident last month. She was 69. Her partner was critically injured and is still in hospital. They lived together (mum's house) and he can't face returning, so has been transferred to the other end of the country near his family to recover.
Not only have I lost my mum, he won't be coming back and we are now faced with selling the family home of over 40 years. I work, have two DC and don't feel any of this has really sunk in yet.

Hello CP sorry you have reason to join this thread. What a terrible ordeal you are having to cope with, and as your mums partner is still ill, it is still going on.
I can't imagine the absolute horror that you are having to get through.
How are you managing to deal with this ? I hope you have good support around you, I'm sure you will need it.
It is probably all still feeling a bit like a nightmare from which you can't wake up, but that is your body,s way of trying to protect you.
Slowly you will realise that yes this has actually happened, sadly it has to be faced in order for you to recover. But that can take as long as it does , no set time for anyone.
I was in shock when my mum died, but it wasn't anything like you are having to go through. I really do feel deep sympathy for you and hope that somehow on this thread we can help , even in a small way

Thankyou. I do have support of a great DH and my brother. Unfortunately my DF died many years ago, he was only 54. I thought that was bad enough. Never thought I'd be an 'orphan' before I hit 45.

That is quite shocking to of lost both parents. There are several people on here who have also no parents now, it's shocking when you are relatively young. I would imagine that you and your brother are quite close, so hopefully having each other will be a great help.

Saffy So sorry to hear about your Mum. My DP seems to endlessly forget about what is happening atm with my Dad and gets very confused when I'm upset or angry and ends up cross with me! I just have to remind myself that although he wants to support and help me, he doesn't understand what's happening right now so sometimes he is going to miss the mark a little. I then remind him of what happened a few weeks ago and then the whole conversation changes in an instant.
I'm terrible at talking about things that upset me but I have noticed how much it makes a difference even just to tell him I feel a little sad.

I hate the idea of my Mum in the house right now all by herself. My Dad had been poorly for a very long time and my Mum had given up work to be his full time carer. Now she is facing looking into going back to work, Christmas without him there and living by herself for the first time ever! I wish I could go back there with her but my family needs me here too. I'm doing everything I can to speak to her every day and pop over whenever I can but it never really feels like I'm doing enough.

Mummylin Sorry to hear the day is tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you.

Hello CP So sorry to hear about your loss. It all sounds very stressful which must be very difficult combined with coming to terms with your grief also.

I often feel my life is compartmentalised into several boxes. Work, home, mums's house, kids etc etc, and then when things subside at the end of each day...I remember my mum. Or rather the fact she's not here. Ironically my brother and I were never close. We'd go several months without seeing each other but have been thrown back together and are getting on well. We've even had a few laughs about things.
What angers me most is that my mum spent many years making sure my dad was ok, he had a chronic health condition. Then she was running around after two elderly parents and all the stress that entails, My grandma only died in February and my mum had only just got her life back.
to everyone going through similar.

mummylin thinking of you this weekend. You're so supportive to everyone on this thread, I hope tomorrow is peaceful for you and you're able to remember the good times with your mum.

cptart my Dad died last year in a road accident (although he was a pedestrian, rather than in the car). It was just unbelievable, I couldn't believe it was happening to us (I still can't really), and I find it hard talking about it because it's not a common situation and I think people get a bit nervous about it. Thinking of you and your family.

Thanks everyone for thinking of me. I am now going to be really down as I know that in the next 45 minutes it will be the time I kissed my mum goodbye and said " see you tomorrow mum " we had no inkling of what was coming in a few hours. How I miss her.

Hugs Mummylin...thinking of you tonight and tomorrow...xxx

Thinking of you mummylin and sending strength and love to everyone who is finding the days difficult

Hi all, the day wasn't too bad despite all my agitation. Had visitors and phone calls as everyone knows how mums death has affected me. My lovely ds took me and Dh out for a meal last night, which was a lovely surprise. Now I just have to get through Wed, which is my sisters anniversary, but that has been a lot of years now, it's just sad as she was so young.