Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hello Charlie it sounds like you have had an emotional day today. A birthday is always a sad day to remember as its a very special day for the person who has now left us. I hope that you could also remember some of the happier birthdays from the past. Also I see it is also so close to the anniversary of his death, that will also be a sad day too, the firsts are always the worst, but sometimes we do build them up beforehand and think we won't get through the day, but when the day comes it is not as bad as we have imagined. I myself am in the same position as you at the moment with my mums anniversary in two weeks, then my sisters only 3 days after ( she was 26)
It sounds like you did some nice things for your mum today with the photo and getting together for a lovely meal. Take care and remember, you will be fine.

Hello everyone

My Dad died on the 6th of October and the funeral is coming up next week. We found out a few months ago that he had lung cancer along with COPD. He was palliative care for the last few days and while he had been poorly for a long time and we had seen him in intensive care a few months prior it was still so upsetting and a shock so see him as he was, not really being able to speak or move. He died of pneumonia in the end after getting a chest infection.

I think I'm more upset than I let on, having a 3 year old step son in the house kind of moves life on fairly quickly and it feels easier at the moment to just keep on going with him and all of his various needs.

The reason I came on really was that I just found a video of him and my step son laughing together and playing from a few months ago. It's the first time I have heard his voice in a few weeks and I think it's the only video I actually have with him in. Needless to say that set me off and seeing as I was on MN anyways I thought a nice chat would be lovely.

Hello imavin so sorry for your loss, it is a horrible time isn't it. It is probably good for you to have to see to your little step son as little children are a great distraction. It will be lovely girl you in the future to be able to view your video tape, that will be one of your happy memories. I have vids of my mum which I haven't looked at yet as I don't know how I will react.
Are the funeral arrangements all finalised ? Or do you still have to do stuff. It's actually beneficial to have to do stuff as it stops you thinking all the time.
I hope that you and your family and friends will all be able to support each other at this very sad time.

Hello Mummylin
The funeral arrangements are pretty much all done and ready to go really, just waiting now for the day. It's such a strange limbo in the middle, I kind of want it to be over so we can focus on remembering him in his healthier years of when he was really himself. It just feels dragged out at the moment.

I'm just getting on with life at the moment. We have our 20 week scan for his first grandchild on Wednesday so focussing on that really and being as happy as possible for it. He was so excited to be a granddad and I want it to be a happy thing as that's what he would have been like.

The video was a bit of a shock I think, I didn't realise I had it until I was idly flicking through photos on my phone and it came up! I'm so pleased I have it, it's a silly thought as I will always remember him but I'm so worried that over time I will forget his voice and what he used to be like so it's reassuring that I'll always have a tiny part of his life with me now.

You will always have a part of your dads life with you, as his genes will be in his new grandchild ! I have no idea where the word " girl " came from in my last post it should of said " for" not girl .
Do you know what the sex of the baby is yet ? or do you find that out on Wednesday ?
Your new baby can know all about his / her grandad from you in the future from photos and stories about him. How lovely you have something great to look forward too.

Hello all, I'm so sorry to see there are so many recent losses, 8 hope you are all doing ok. (I suddenly lost me dad six months ago today and am struggling to deal with it).
I had my second counselling session today mummylin. It was useless and I feel so defeated.
I had filled out my "worksheet" as much as I could and I was literally there ten minutes. He told me to call cruse. I even told him that I was feeling overwhelmed with daily lifec anxious about the amount of things I feel I have to do, irritable and snappy with DH even when I am trying g to consciously not be, and clearly sad in general. I hoped he was going to give me some coping mechanisms for those things but he just went through his folder for a pamphlet on cruse and that was it. I have an appt there again in two weeks but I'm going to cancel. Such a waste of time dragging he baby out with me.

I've felt so sad all day today. I feel it's built up again and was hoping for that "release" which I have been denied there. Ivenhad a few moments of feeling hit by the reality bus this week and no time between family life to acknowledge or deal with them.
I found a video the other day of my now toddler talking o dad on the phone and heard his voice. It was wonderful yet far too hard. And I went to the park with my children and mum and it was the same place my dad took my eldesttothis time last year. I wanted to scream dh sob as she pushed him on the same swing but when I said to her I don't think she knew what to say so I just held it in.
It's eating away at me and I aren't sure what to do. I've reached out so many times and I just feel he's ignored me. I can't Call cruse now til next Monday as it's only open certai. Times and I have the kids all week now so don't feel I can speak whilst i have them both here on my own.
Inhow others are having a better week. I'm sorry your anniversaries are looming Mummy. I didn't think 6months would be this hard, I can't bear to think about Christmas

Sorry for the bad typing. Little sleep and one handed phone typing!

Hi little I'm sorry that you haven't got any help from the counsellor. Is there maybe a different one that you could see that you would feel more comfortable with ?
One thing, when you are feeling like you need a little cry, just take yourself off for just five minutes rather than hold it all in, it's not good for you to do that, you have to have some release from your unhappiness.
You have now reached halfway of the first year, which is the worst one, all the firsts of everything and yes for you it will hit again at Christmas time. But you can include your dad in your family at this time. For example you could have his photo in a frame and have some sprayed fir cones around it so it fits in with Xmas decs. I expect others could think of different things too. So you won't have to get through Christmas Day, trying not to mention your dad in case anyone is upset, include him, it may help you all a little. You will get there little wherever there is !

Thanks lin, it's lovely of you to provide such wonderful support when you are also dealing with your own emotions. I have had to have a few eyes today, though I feel I need a big sob. I will visit one of my sisters this week once I shift this cough (don't want to spread it!). I will call cruse and see them instead and just cancel with him. I so frustrated, I don't like asking for help and then when I do, for it to be ignored is just shattering. He also knew that what I particularly wanted was a safe "space" whee I can just vent and talk away from my daily life, yet didn't even want to provide that and then suggest another option. Just wanted me out the door. Anyway the lack of sleep is probably not helping. Husband has taken himself off to bed and is snoring soundly but I need some sleep, though I'm now at the point of closing my eyes and thinking about dad so not sleeping well either. Eurgh this just sucks. X

Sympathy with cough, I have awful chest infection at the moment, taking steroids and anti.b,s , has affected my breathing terribly. Try and get some sleep , put ear plugs in and try and blot out snoring !!! A dig in the ribs sometimes works !

Mummylin I like to think he will always be around in baby somehow. We are finding out whether it's a boy or a girl tomorrow. The day before he passed away he asked me know my little girl was which was weird, did make me wonder though! I think my Mum and I may divide up the photographs we have of him so that we have some at our house to show the children, he will very much be a part of their lives as much as possible I think.

Little I also sympathise with the cough! I get the feeling I'm going to be "that person" hacking away in the church at the funeral.
I would definitely include your Dad in Christmas in some way, I'm trying to think of ways to make sure mine is "there" somehow for us. Even if I don't actively think about him or talk about him that day (want it to be a happy, joyous day for the children), I feel it will be nice to feel as though he is still there.

Thanks both. We will definitely otely be making him part of Christmas. It was one of the only times we would all be together each year and he was such a big kid always playing around and laughing, he really has left a very significant hole that will not ever be close to being filled. I'm grateful we have children because otherwise I fear we would all be sitting in silence all day.
I hope your chest infection clears up soon mummy, it's awful isn't it. Luckily mine is on it's way out now.

Good luck with your scan Ima! I was 34 weeks pregnant when dad died and it was very hard knowing he wouldn't meet him. We didn't know whether we were having a boy or girl and turns out it was a boy, we gave him my dads name for a middle name which comforts me a lot. It's hard to know they aren't here with them but we always talk about him. Sadly my eldest (2.8y) has forgotten him already whichbreaks my heart but luckily we have done videos too which I cherish.
I hope the funerL goes smoothly. It's a very surreal day but we found tremendous comfort in the sheer volume of people who were acted by his sudden death and their happy memories oh him. I hope you can too x

Little
That's one of the things upsetting me at the moment really, while I will make sure that their Granddad is always talked about and will show them pictures it very much upsets me that they will never meet now. The fact he was so happy about it makes it even sadder now and I know he would have loved meeting them and holding them. We already had his first name as our little boy's middle name ready to go so we will keep it like that for sure now if it's a boy.

I think the funeral will be strange tbh, but we have been surprised already at the amount of people responding to him passing away and wanting to come along to the funeral. We lived in a small village when I grew up and he himself had been there since the 50s or 60s so knew so many people! It's lovely to know how many people he has affected in his life and who clearly thought he was a lovely man also.

The kids will make Christmas an exciting happy day I'm sure. :) Children have a wonderful way of making you see the joy in situations, even if you're missing someone.

It definitely was comforting seeing so many people there to pay respects and I hope you find it so too.
I think there is no way around it being very upsetting when you have a child and lose a parent, especially when you know how happy they were. My boys were the first in our family for a long time and I Ann so sad that they will miss him teaching them all about boats cranes and everything engineering. He would have loved it. It kills me it really does but my son has his eyes. Sometimes I just stare into them and it's like he's right there watching us.
You will likely have a lot of people tell you when baby arrives "he would have been so proud". If I had a penny... ta always hard to hear it but seems the only thing people know what to say about it. They would be proud, so we just have to honour them by following their values and what they taught us and pass that along to orur babies too.

(Please excuse my appalling spelling. Very very tired!!) x

Hello everyone

I'm so sorry to hear of all the pain and loss on this thread to all of us. My dad's funeral is next week and there seem to be a huge amount of people coming and a long day ahead. I am not someone who finds comfort in public grieving so am slightly dreading it.

For Christmas one little thing we have done to keep my dad involved and for my DC is to buy them each a really beautiful Christmas tree decoration. That way we can remember him each year when we put up the tree and the decoration willmobviously be there for the Christmas period.

charley I hope you are ok and the week hasn't been so painful. I was on the life limiting illness thread ( have nc) when we got my dad's diagnosis and your kind words really helped me. I'm so sorry life is so hard at times. I remember you telling about the beautiful place where you spread your fathers ashes - I hope thinking of that place is bringing you some comfort.

Little That's lovely that your little boy has you father's eyes. :) It must be like a little part of him is still around!

Grey What a lovely idea for Christmas! I haven't quite decided on my actual plan yet.
I'm with you with the public grieving thing. My Mum bought a book of condolences and I have no idea what to write, knowing that everyone else will be reading it throughout the day. Makes me feel a bit uncomfortable really.

HI grey, I'm sorry for your loss I hope the funeral goes well. I was dreading it too but luckily everyone who knew my dad was one of those ever cherry people, as my dad was, so the day ended up full of laughter and funny stories and hearing how much he used to talk about me and my sisters. I couldn't have dealt with everyone sobbing or telling me how awful it was.

I like the Christmas idea too, will have to visit a Christmassy shop and have a look for something too. I know there are ones which you can put photos in too. X

Hello everyone
How are you all today? I hope the funeral organising is going okay Grey, ours is pretty much read to go. Now it's just a case of actually doing it.
We had our scan today, turns out it's a little girl! Weirdly the day before he passed away my Dad asked me "how's your little girl?" and I was a bit like WHUUUUUTT!!??!!!
Clearly he knew something I didn't!
I'm sure he would have been really pleased and it turns out she is already just as stubborn as her Granddad and being as awkward as possible!

Hi everyone, not been too active on here at the moment as I have been struggling with an awful chest infection. Now on my second course of anti b,s which hopefully will shift it. But I am thinking of you all.

sorry to hear that mummylin, its this time of year isnt it when the days get colder and damper and all sorts of bugs are flying around the place! I hope the new anti biotics kick in soon and you start to feel a bit better.

imavinoops, thats lovely you are having a little girl and your dad seemed to know! I've heard of lots of things like that happening and I think its a real comfort.

sorry I havent replied to everyone on this thread but I'm thinking of you all and hoping you are okay as much as possible.

ima how exciting to find out you are having a little girl ( I found out the sex of both of mine as I'm way too impatient to wait!). Hope your pregnancy is going ok and that you are still managing to enjoywhat should be an exciting time, in amongst everything else. Glad the funeral is pretty much organised. As I'm so far away I'm fairly removed from the organisation of dad's, in a way this is good though as it isn't something I really feel strongly about. It is early next week though and I am dreading all the expectation etc. I have already said my goodbye to my lovely dad.

mummylin hope you are feeling better and the antibiotics start to kick in, chest infections are so miserable and there seems to be lots of nasty bugs around at the moment.

Hope everyone else is doing ok, you all remain in my thoughts. I find this thread such a comforting place to turn to so many thanks to everyone . As I was saying on another thread I feel so weirdly ok about everything it is almost panicking me, that I am somehow so much in denial I don't even realise it and will have some sort of breakdown at some point. I don't think I will but I do feel quite accepting of my dad's death. In a strange way posting on here and just reading is a real outlet for me as I feel I can just be who I am, I often have a positive cry and remember after posting or reading.

Strength and light to everyone

Hello everyone

Dad's funeral is tomorrow. Feeling really nervous as I really am more of a grieve in private person. Also worrying as have to stay at my parent's house, which always makes me nervous, and know that I won't be able to be how my mum and sister want/expect me too which usually ends up with some slightly unfair ( I think!) comments to me about me being uncaring/unfeeling etc. I know it sounds awful but I just find their need overwhelming and as if I have no space left for myself - I've never been able to deal with it. Am actually more worried about this than the funeral!

Anyway hope everyone else is doing ok. Wishing it was Wednesday already.

Hi grey I am sure you are viewing tomorrow with trepidation, but most if us have found that the day is not actually as bad as we feared. I think it's a combination of relief, that the day is here, other people around to help you through it and a mixture of sadness and disbelief.
You will get through it, I promise you that.
As for having to stay at your parents house, don't let anyone dictate how they think you should feel. Your feelings are just that "yours" if it dosent match how others deal with the situation, well that's their problem.
I hope the day will go as well as possible in the circumstances and that the service is as you would like it

Thanks mummylin Hope your chest infection has improved

In my thoughts Grey