Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hi all, sorry I've not been around but been thinking of this thread so thought I'd pop back in and see how everyone is doing (will post again tomorrow when I've had a chance to read through last few pages).

I'm doing ok, struggling hugely with anxiey and currently doing CBT I imagine its partly grief but also a response to being anxious over last few years about dads health. Not sure if I posted about the burial of ashes, it was a really lovely day and great way to mark my wonderful dads birthday even if my sister showed up 30 mins late (I was fuming). Only issues now are my half sisters pushing my mum for items of my dad's when she's not yet ready to sort plus they downsized few years ago so not sure there is much to share around. Just irritates me they are being so grabby when they weren't around when he was poorly and 1 in particular used to visit twice a year.

No I haven't had another chance to call uet and will have to wait until Monday now. We made a shortlist of shapes and colours for his partner to have the final say. We managed to choose most of the wording, my sister found a lovely quote which we are altering slightly hitch will be

"mightier than the waves of the sea, is our love for you". He worked on boats and owned a shipyard so it feels right to use this. We are just struggling for a word to describe "..... Dad" without using the normal ones which just don't seem sufficient. X

Had a very busy day and just came in from seeing a show so will reply tomorrow.

potential good news about your divorce. Although I expect it feels very strange to you at the moment. I wish you every happiness going forward in your new life. Hope your plans for Christmas are now all in place.
eitak I really feel for you being pushed to clear things out. This seems to cause problems for quite a few people. Don't be forced in to doing anything until you are ready. Your sisters will have to wait ! Hope your Cbt is helping you to cope.
little that quote seems to be perfect as it seems to sum up your dads love of boats. It is always a difficult thing and you want to say so much, it is difficult to sum things up when you only have a limited space to say things. As I said I changed the words 3 times before I was entirely satisfied, but I have to say the stonemasons we used were very good and understood.

eitak, I'm undergoing CBT for anxiety too. do you feel its helping you at all? I find the sessions talking to the CBT counsellor more helpful than the actual CBT, I cant get the hang of it at all. From what I've learned I have to try to turn around negative thoughts when they enter my head, but how?? I dont know if your getting the hang of it better than me?

hi mummylin and everyone here! This is a big month for me, big birthday (ouch!!) which didnt go well but its ok now, big wedding anniversary date and also the month mum died. Am ok, just wishing the CBT was working better or I understood it more, I had kind of counted on it sorting me out and its mixing me up for than ever

sorry to go on!! x

Oh you do have a lot going on ssd don't give up on what you are doing, it may suddenly fall into place. If this helps you to be happier it will be worth it . ( also ponders how you change negative things to positive )
I went to a show last night and it was great until they sang " you raise me up " which brought tears to my eyes as its one of the songs we had at my mums funeral.

that must have been hard for you mummylin!

I really hope the CBT starts making sense soon, I just dont get it at all yet

Mummylin that is the song that makes me think of my dad. I wanted it at my wedding to dance with him but he left early so never had chance. Whenever I hear it I sob. Even thinking of it now I'm welling up. The words dear one perfectly how he made me feel and I hate that I never got to tell him that. Sorry that it made an impromptu appearance at your show.
It's nice to know we aren't the only ones who are changing our minds so much on the words. I never realised how difficult it is to sum someone up, and how much though everyone has put into those words on their own. Hopefully we cmpa finalise it this week. And I will have to try and call the counsellor again this week and get my appointment X

Thought I had lost the thread for a minute, it had gone from threads I'm on ! Panic over. Hope everyone is ok and just getting by day by day.

Well I finally called for counselling, had a telephone appt today and an in person appt on Thursday. They said it seems more anxiety than low mood so hopefully will get some relief just having time away for me to talk (and no doubt end up in a snotty mess). Oddly looking forward to it but nervous too. Anyone any advice/reassurance? I think I've held a lot in that I'm worried I won't know what to say or the floodgates will open and I won't even be able to talk, or I'll clam up with a complete stranger. X

Maybe it will be a case of once you start talking,The floodgates will open and you will be able to tell the counsellor exactly how you are feeling, especially if you feel perfectly at ease with your counsellor. I hope this will bring you some relief and you will be able to go forward in your life. Hope your apt tomorrow will go as you want it to. You will be fine, just explain how you are feeling. Good luck.

Awful day..no particular reason..just not coping today at all...flashbacks/panic/anxiety is awful...couldn't bear to talk to anyone or go out except to get kids to/from school...wish I could feel better..

It takes as long as it takes potential and you have been through a lot recently. It's ok for you to have days like this. Eventually the good times will be longer between the sad times. Just take care of yourself, you will get there, at your own pace. I don't think there is a quick way to recover from such heartbreaking times. Don't be hard on yourself. When you get bad days, just get through hour by hour.

littlelostdinosaur funnily enough I was just coming on here to ask if many others had had counselling, and if they found it worthwhile. I find that I do ok for a few weeks and then just get overwhelmed and it's a bit of a cycle. Now we've passed the year anniversary, I feel like I should be coping better and I'm not sure I am. I hope you find it useful.

Yesterday on my lunch break I suddenly remembered how I'd met my dad a few times for lunch when he'd been working nearby and had an overwhelming urge to see him, just for a few minutes. I ended up wandering through lots of bankers on their lunch breaks trying to stop myself sobbing. Rang DH to get him to distract me from my thoughts which worked quite well so I only shed a few tears. Found myself really missing him lately and I can't put my finger on what's triggered it.

That's rain. I had my first session. He was nice but found it a little...staged. Not sure what it was but he asked lots of questions but it all felt a bit forced. I didn't like the way he phrased things like "you're thinking about Dad". Not sure why just the way he said Dad rather than "your dad". Then "what are you thinking about dad". "What do you think about that" etc.
I didn't really get time to just talk about what I wanted to, it was all questions and answers rather than just allowing me to just rant. He gave me an exercise she to fill out of how I feel at two hourly interval every day. I barely have time to pee at the minute with a young baby and a toddler so I don't really feel it's helpful. I haven't even opened it since I got it three days ago and I'm supposed to write what I do every two hours, how it feels, what emotions I had and how close I feel to people! Not sure it's going to be for me if it continues that way, and my next session isn't h til the 17th?!! So not much good so far but we will keep trying and see what happens.
Thanks mummylin, unfortunately I wanted the floodgate so open and they did as soon as I sat down and said the words when he asked what happened, but then he would ask a question and kind of interrupted it all. Hoping it is better next time. X

That's a shame little but give it another go and see how that pans out. Do you have to see the same person each time. Maybe a different counsellor would suit you better.
Rain maybe it was something in your subconscious triggered your brain. It's all very complex and unexplainable sometimes isn't it.
For myself counselling wasn't in my plans, and I knew straight away it wasn't something I felt would suit me at all. But I know for some it has done the world of good. So if you think it may help then go for it.

hi everyone
I'm off today and hopefully meeting a good friend for lunch or a cuppa lately, sometimes that sort of thing keeps you going, doesnt it?

I dont always read all the posts here as it sometimes brigs back the rawness but am sending you all

Hello everyone.
Sorry to see so many new faces.
How are you Lin, ssd and SM?
Well things are ticking along here...Dh away again soon and again before Xmas which is pretty rubbish.
Looking forward to half term and hibernating with the kids! :)
Oddly, I've been thinking a lot about my aunt - dads sister - lately.
It's my b day on Saturday so maybe that's it? I'm getting older and some extended family members are becoming very frail.
I went to town last weekend and decided to buy some perfume for my b day...I ended up at the Estée Lauder counter - my aunt always wore Estée Lauder perfume. I asked the lady for a spray of her favourite and I nearly cried! 😳 All wobbly lip and blinking away tears! Isn't it funny, the things that take us back?
My eldest is picking his GCSE options and has started shaving (!) and I'm so sad dad isn't here to see him.
I just want to huddle my little fairly together and ignore the world ATM 😞

hi badders, yes I get that feeling sometimes too, like I could close the door and shut the world away. I think its the time of year, winter is coming with the darker nights (which I love, I'm not a summer person) and of course facing Christmas again without the people we are missing... it is strange how it hits you, right out the blue, like a smell of perfume or something on tv (my mum loved strictly..)

its just hard sometimes, knowing they are gone, it makes the world a scarier place, although at the same time I think sometimes it makes you value life more as you know how short it really is...

Yes I love winter too :)
Too hot for me this summer....
One thing that everything that has happened has made me is far less tolerant of bullshit.
I just will not waste my time on people or things that make my life hard.
Life is far, far too short.

totally agree...there's only so many times you can bang your head off the wall before you accept how it really isc

I've dropped most of my extended family since mum died and it's improved my life 100%

there's only so many times you can bang your head off the wall before you accept how it really is

Yep
I helped nurse my aunt before she died.
My cousin - her dd - has come nowhere near me or my mum since she died 2.5 years ago

She literally lives around the corner from me
Ah well
One less on the Xmas card list

thats a good way to see it

I'm also going to be saving money this Christmas, this year its been a very big birthday for me and for ds1, and we got nothing from family, even though for years and years I sent stuff to them......in fact I was asked on my birthday what I'm doing to celebrate sisters birthday (not a significant one) in 2 months time....

strange old world, isnt it

the friend I went to lunch with today gave me a beautiful silver necklace with my childrens names on it for my b'day, really lovely and something I'll always keep

funny how friends care and family dont.....the expression blood is thicker than water is nonsense..to me anyway....

Hello,
My mum died in an accident in May last year and I have some days/weeks still where I miss her so much I struggle to function properly or even to breathe without pain.

We did manage to go away on holiday this summer, which was the first time I could manage to leave home for any length of time which I thought was good. But had a real down time when we got home and dc went back to school.

Does it ever get easier and how can I come to terms with the reality that this it is?

Honestly?
It's 3 years for me and tbh the bereavement doesn't get easier - but you get better at it, iyswim?
Some days I am pretty low - but you would never know it to look at me going about my day
Xmas is hard - something about this time of year makes losses harder to bear I think
It's still very early days for you x