Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

little your children can know all about their grandad through you. We have 4 yr old twins in the family, born after my mum died, they both know who it is in the photo frame. Of course it's not the same but as they get older I'm sure they will love to hear about him.
I'm sorry you don't feel able to talk to your Dh, so for you maybe it will be a good thing to def speak to someone. Do pluck up the courage to phone cruse. It may help such a lot.
You could always print off your post that you have put on here and just give it to the person that you would see. Just an idea.
I hope by being able to write stuff down helps in some way.

Hello jules I am glad that you are at least feeling a bit better about the situation now. It's tough isn't it and it takes a while to realise that our lives have changed forever. I agree about Christmas and times like that being extremely painful when you have lost someone that you care for. One of the worst for me was New Year's Eve , going into the next year without my mum. I was just a sobbing wreck. But like everyone else I had to get through all these things and although things are much better now, I still have the awful gap in my life which no- one else can fill. But I too think that people who still have their mum / dad are so lucky.

Thank you mummylin for your lovely replies. I'm sorry for the Lisa of your mum, as much as I miss my dad I can't imagine how I will feel when that time comes as she is in my life everyday and we are also very close, also to my children. I'm sorry you are missing that now

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Spoke to dh a little tonight, I didn't have the strength to talk a lot because o know that's a floodgate I can't close but it helped to let a little out. I will try to call crude tomorrow. I will probably show this post to dh sl he knows what I'm feeling at some point.

A lot of my friends have lost a parent in the last few years and admittedly I never realised how hard it would've probably because dh never really cried and just got on with it. I wonder now if I was as supportive for them as o could have been.

Jules I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child I'm so heartbroken for you. As hard as it is losing a parent early on at least it is still a "natural order" of sorts and I can't imagine how you're coping. Well done. X thank you for this board. I feel a little better already. Strange how writing to strangers on the Internet can be so soothing. I wonder why it's easier to be anonymous than talk to those we love.nisnt the human brain a funny thing! Love to you all xx

Thinking of you all and hoping you have the best weekend that is possible for you at the moment. Remember, one day at a time.

I lost my lovely dad in July. It feels as if I am newly bereaved every day when I remember that he is not here any more. We are yet to scatter his ashes. I want to get it over with, but just can't face any more fresh grief just yet. Does that make sense? People are waiting, but I just want to do it privately in his beloved garden. Can I do that and not tell anyone?

Hello green sorry for your loss. What do you mean by " not tell anyone" if you mean anyone in authority you don't have to tell or ask permission. I have both my grandparents ashes in my garden with a little stone with a verse on it. It's different from when some people want to bury someone. But ashes it's fine.
There is no hurry to do it, wait until you feel ready. But if you mean other family members. Then I expect they too would like to know about it, even if they aren't there at the time. I would not stress about it, there is no time limit on when the ashes have to be buried.
As an afterthought, do you know that you actually can have ashes made into jewellery ? A little locket Ring or something like that.

Hello all. for all bereaved. Just popping on as on sept 23rd it's the 2nd anniversary of my dads death, I miss him as much as day 1.
I'm happy and enjoying life and enjoying being mum to my DD who was only 13mths when dad went but is 3 now and at nursery school.
I still talk to my dad everyday and talk about him everyday and mostly smile. But I miss him and it's actually still shocking to me that he's gone. I think that will always be the case.
It's reassuring that after 2yrs he is such a strong part of who I am, that hasn't lessened one iota.
I do still feel sad for what he's missed out on so far, seeing DD change, seeing her in her school uniform. Meeting my guide dog who has joined me this year (he would have loved her).
But the love is as strong as ever, and it still feels mutual. I can still feel his love, just as strong as it ever was.

mummylin I mean I don't want an organised ceremony. I know his friends have been asking when we are going to do the scattering, but while I would tell family, I don't want poems, readings tea party etc. Surely if I invite people I would have to do more than just open the container and scatter?
I have no experience of this.
Thanks for the idea of the jewellery.

I am having the same dream every night. I don't really think about mum and dad in the day but every night I dream I am trying to save them and every night I manage to. Then I wake up and reality hits, grief is horrible :(

When we had my mums ashes interred, we didn't invite anyone just me and my siblings and my mums sister, a very private thing. But of course if you want to just place the ashes in your dads garden, it can be just very informal. A friend of mine has her dads ashes in a big pot with a lovely plant in, so that if by any chance they move they can just take the pot with them ! There are a few options for you to think about and time is on your side.

Hello sunshine isn't it a horrible feeling when you wake and find that your dream isn't real. For anyone who interpretates dreams, they would probably be able to say why you keep having the same dream over and over.
In nearly 5 years I have only dreamt about my mum twice and the next night however hard I tried, I could not get my dream back at all. Grief does strange things to all of us at times I think, but eventually things do get better.

My birthday is coming up soon and it will be the first one without my dad. Had to buy graduation tickets yesterday and sobbed because I desperately wanted both my parents there and they will not be. Just want to cancel my birthday plans right now and hibernate. feel so fed up today it's unreal!

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest.

Hi fruit I too dreaded my first birthday without my mum. I will tell you what helped me. I went through my old cards and found one from my mum which said " happy birthday to my daughter " . It may sound silly but the fact I had a card up that said daughter helped me a lot. I still do this and I do it at Christmas as well. Do you have a card like this that your dad wrote in ?

I like to keep very busy on my birthday it was my dad's birthday too and this year my first without mum. I went to the beach with my friend and my ds1 who is 3 and played in the sand, rode the train and ate fish and chips. Something about the ocean which relaxes me.
Could you plan something to keep you distracted?

I have loads of old cards but struggling at the thought of getting them out. I think I've got deferred grief as I only really started crying after I managed to complete my degree. Now I'm a month into my job it's hit me hard. I went to see my mum at the weekend and my uncle has done the back garden which my dad never did, it shocked me to see the shed I couldn't see for over 15 years. I went to make a drink and saw his mugs in the cupboard. His coats are still hanging up and the cat still sits on his chair.

We had a really difficult relationship, he was very abusive to me as a teen which led me to flee to a refuge at 16. It's taken me over 16 years to rebuild my life since I was homeless, and I think towards the end he was proud of me, but he never got to see me achieve my dreams.

I feel awfully rejected by him choosing not to have chemotherapy and allowing himself to die. Not sure why.

Thanks for listening to me.

Fruit I'm so sorry for your loss. There are a lot of complex issues related to your dad, maybe seeking some counselling might help? I still keep putting off calling to book an appointment so I know it's not so easy, but maybe something to consider. Thinking of you and in sure he was proud no matter what X

I was having counselling when he was diagnosed, he was diagnosed the week before my last session and I have to wait another 4 months before I can refer myself again, the waiting list is about 4 months too. I put myself on Cruse waiting list before he died as I knew it was going to open a hefty tin of worms but not heard from them yet either.

And thank you x

Hi fruit what a lot you have had to cope with, hopefully you will soon get an apt with the right people for you. There is a lot of things you need to unravel in your mind, it must be all very conflicting feelings. Just get through each day and I hope that when you have seen whoever that you can be at peace with yourself

It's actually good to see the thread quiet, I hope this means that most of you are coping at the moment. Hope everyone has a reasonable weekend.

Morning Lin. It was our wedding anniversary yesterday, six years. It was quite a difficult task to get my dad to walk me down the aisle as him and mum are divorced and couldn't bear to be in the room together. I'm so pleased now that I have that memory to keep with me. The photos show how proud he looked and although we never really spoke about how much that meant I think we both knew how special it was. My sister thanked me yesterday for bringing us all back together for the day. Was a hard one but so pleased we have the memory of that day X need to call the counsellor this week. I will do it!

Hi little it sounds like you have some very special memories of a very special day. It helps a lot to have all the wonderful memories. This is what we have to focus on. I hope you are finding a bit of time for yourself, even 15 mins a day would be something. Congratulations on your anniversary

Thank you. Tried to call to make an appt today, it was engaged each time!! I have to go to my sisters tomorrow to talk about headstones. Dreading that and as I laid down to sleep tonight (futile with reflux baby) I had another "steam train" moment where it all hit me again. Very tired so trying not to let that overwhelm me and let it out tomorrow with my sisters X sending you all hugs. X

Hope you manage to sort the headstone out, I changed my mind about three times before I was happy with what I finally chose. My brother chose the actual stone and I chose the words. Did you manage to get through on the phone eventually ?

Finally got my divorce today...Very strange feeling...Mum would have been so pleased because he treated me so badly at the end and over the last few years but she's not here to tell...haven't told anyone in real life because I don't want to talk about it...I feel kinda numb...my whole life is a disaster and as much as I'm glad to be finally legally free of him I don't feel like it's something to celebrate because it wasn't the life I wanted for kids and me..but especially for kids...wish I could talk to my Mum about it..