Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hi Stratford you absolutely can't manage your dad on your own, it sounds like you have enough to cope with. Do you have any other close relation that can help with your dad ? Or does he have a good friend who would be willing to help, even just to sit with him for a while.
You are in a difficult position, but you have enough to worry about with your own family. You are only one person and can't possibly do it all.
Is your dad clearing stuff out to keep himself busy do you think ? I expect he is utterly lost at the moment.
Maybe he would like to write something to be read out at the funeral, anything to keep his mind occupied.
I am so sorry that you lost your mum so quickly after her diagnosis. It's shocking.

howlong I think maybe you can do with some professional help. I understand being stuck in a certain place, but I'm sure you shouldn't be getting worse. The thing is until you start to feel any better you can't really move on can you. Maybe this isn't the route to take for you, but maybe your doc can help even if it's only a temporary measure. It's the same old story about RL people isn't it, they all seem to be very supportive for a while, then two weeks later think you have " got over it " and don't even mention your loss at all, so then you feel that you can't bring it up to them. And then all the upset and sadness can build up and there is no release from it.

Stratford, so sorry for your loss.

Same for me, two months illness for my Mum. She was given three months but knew it would be most likely less. Feels there is still so much more I wanted to say to her.

Two bits of advice I have been given which I find useful.
1, Be kind to yourself. Interpret as you will, regular bars of chocolate, drink - but not too much!, etc.
2, don't do anything you don't want to. I am under pressure to start clearing mum's things and cannot do it so won't do it!

My mum died last year and I have a 4 month old. I'm so jealous if people with children who have their mums which is terrible.

Hello Little I think it's human nature to feel jealous of some things. And I think in your position it def is normal. I feel pangs of envy when I see mums and daughters out together.i just wish it was me and my mum. So don't feel bad about it.

I get really jealous of families who have grandparents, I know its wrong and unhealthy and bad, I just cant help it. I'd love my children to have a grandparent like all of their friends have. I'm jealous for my kids, not for myself, I hope it doesnt affect them like it affects me.

It was my little girls first birthday last week and I am so jealous of people who still have their mums. My mum would have spoilt her rotten and loved her so much. According to the lovely people at cruse it's totally normal to feel that way. It doesn't help though, my mum should be here with us, but she isn't and it hurts 😞

Hi 50degrees yes it is such a shame that your mum had to miss out on her grandchild. We were in the same situation as my sister was expecting twins which were born 4 months after our mum died. But although the twins never met her. They know who she is and call her by name if they see her photo. It is all very very sad.

I think cruse are right, it is normal to feel like this 50degrees. You dont want anyone else to be in your situation you just wish with all your heart things were different. As mummylin said, it is very very sad and so very unfair

I never knew either of my Grandfathers. One died before I was born and the other when I was a few months old. I have always felt I have missed out In that respect.

Thanks for the support yesterday. Feeling a bit better today, not nearly so weepy though know it won't last. I did get up yesterday and went out shopping for a lovely photograph frame to put a picture of my Mum in. Have a couple of gorgeous photos of her so will choose which to use.

thats nice you have a new photo frame, I've got one of those floating shelves from ikea on the wall next to my side of the bed with photo's of mum and dad and ornaments from mums flat/their house, it helps me feel closer to them....where will you put your mums photo pipi?

I will put the frame where I can see it first thing when I wake up each morning/last thing before going to sleep. I have a copy of the order of service from the funeral there at the moment so will replace that.

I have my mums photo there too x

And I have my mums photo in my lounge and strangely wherever you are in the room her eyes are looking at you. I always keep flowers by my photo.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Yesterday I went to sort out mum's wardrobe. She'd only died a few days ago, but my dad wanted it sorted out and he said he couldn't do it. it was incredibly difficult. My brother lives in Kent and isn't at all practical and seems unwilling to help much. I just don't know what I should be doing for him, I mean, what's normal? Also, how long should I reasonably have off work? I don't feel ready to go back to work but I'm feeling under pressure. Sorry to moan, but I just don't have a clue what I'm supposed to be doing?

Hello Stratford I expect your work have a policy on how long they allow for bereavement. But if it's not long enough for you, then I would suggest you see your doc and ask to be signed off for a couple of weeks. I don't personally think 2 or 3 days is anywhere long enough,
I was lucky in that my aunt ( mums sister ) cleared all the clothes for me. I could not face doing it at all. And the house clearing came down to me and my youngest brother. It was very tough. But we were the executors and we had to do it. Like it or not . But many days we would get to the house , then went home again without doing anything at all. But we were lucky and didn't have to rush so we just took our time and eventually we did it, although with a lot of stuff we just transferred things to my house, where they still are !

I was on this thread a year ago after my mum passed away suddenly the anniversary is at the end of the week and I feel rotten, I have spent the past 6 months changing myself If you will. I have lost weight, made lots of new friends etc because in all honestly my mum held me back she was I'll the last few years of her life mentally and it was exhausting. I seem to be going back into a shell I don't want to bee around anyone I've spent all day at home alone with the door locked and phone switched off eating rubbish. Will this pass? I miss her and think about her everyday but I never expected to feel like this again.

Hello Queen Have you felt like this as the anniversary gets closer or even before that. It's seems you are having some sort of anxieties at the moment. I would take a guess that as the anniversary gets nearer you have gone backwards to last year and reliving it all over again. The firsts of anything can be very upsetting, but you will find that once they have all passed it gets easier to cope with birthdays Mother's Day etc. Try not to shut your self off from everyone, sounds like you could do with a friend to lend a shoulder at the moment. We are here whenever you need to chat

Hi I'm sorry to see so many people here dealing with this. My dad died in April. He was 64 years old and strong as an ox. He collapsed in a car park and was worked on for two hours. He had heart disease as it turns out but had never had any problems at all.
This is the first time since then that I've said/written this out loud. When he died I was pregnant with baby who was born in June. I already have a young Ds.
My husband lost his mum 7 years ago after a short battle with cancer. He's very closed and practical about it and didn't know what yo do for me, we argued alot and I think it's closed off my line of communication with him because he wasn't the rock I expected him to be. I know how hard it is being the spouse when an in law dies but I feel he failed in supporting me when I needed it most and now I am really shut off with him. I know I am yet I can't seem to stop or change it. I feel like the real me is stuck inside of this miserable me and can't get out but can see and hear everything.

I have two older sisters and we've all become much closer now and support each other. My parents were divorced and mum has been ok but I think she forgets we are grieving him.
He had a partner but we never really got along, he left mum
For her and None of us particularly got along but one of my sisters is linked to her through her partner also.
When he was here, we never spoke that much. We weren't in each other's daily lives but God I loved him and everything I did I wanted him to be proud of. He was such a happy laughing strong man that I can not believe he isn't here anymore. Because I didn't see him everyday I think I'm fooling myself that he is still around and is only when I go to his house that I feel the emptiness he has left. His partner has left his things out which is hard and I just want to cry when I'm there but I aren't close enough to her to be open with my feelings to her. She expects us all to be calling and visiting (she is almost an hour away) yet doesn't call us to see how we are and makes us feel guilty if we don't call for a bit.
I have two young children now so life is crazy and I don't get time to talk or even think about dad and it's all been such a distraction that I feel I've forgotten to grieve. It's only in bed at night that I can think about it clearly and then I have noone to talk to and can't sleep, which is awful with having babies!!
I have a friend who also lost her dad so I chat to her but she is also going through a really difficult time and suffers anxiety so I don't want to burden her.
I am
Always putting on a front of happiness unless I'm at home then I take everything out on my husband. He is being good about it but understandably he gets to the point where he can't take any more and we argue then I break down and vent all of my pent up emotion at him.

I've asked my gp for counselling. He referred me to cruse no haven't called yet. I don't ever like to ask for help. I'm stubborn like my dad and I feel disappointed that I reached out and I have to do so again. I think I just need some where that I can just be open and not be a mummy or a wife and just have some time to just talk about it and everything else can wait.
Sorry this has become a very long post. X

don't apologise dinosaur, this thread is exactly for people like us who need to get it all out! I'm very sorry for your loss , you have a lot to deal with there. I went to cruse, I waited a good while for my apt...its a safe place to sit and cry and let it out...I hope you get an appt. soon

Hello little firstly my condolences on the loss of your dad. I am not surprised that you are upset. Firstly on the death, but also you had to deal with the shock of an unexpected death, which is awful and I had the same thing.
It is really only a matter of weeks since your loss and obviously you are right in the middle of grieving. I suspect you have a very busy life with two little children, running a home and everything that entails. But have you had time for yourself ?
It's interesting what you say about your Dh. Mine too lost his mum years ago now but just seemed to accept it and carry on as usual, whereas for me when I lost my mum. It just about ripped my heart out.
It seems that maybe your mum has put to one side that you have lost a
dad. She may see this as misplaced grief because your dad was no longer with your mum and if she is ok thinks you should be too.
It must be terribly hard to go to your dads partners house and see his things still around the house.
It dosent really matter that you didn't see him a lot. The point is that he was here if you wanted to see him, now you don't have that option and it hurts, a lot.
Because your Dh dealt with his grief in his way, he can't see that for you it's different and maybe thinks that if he dealt with things his way that it's the same for everyone. But of course it's not.
You don't have to hide your grief, if someone asks how you are, just say that you are struggling a bit, you don't have to go into detail, so many people think that in a couple of weeks after a death that we suddenly " recover ", but we know that is far from the case and it takes a long while to be able to move on for some of us.
You had a new baby only a matter of weeks after your dad died, and you probably didn't have time to address your grief properly as we all know how much work a little baby can be.
But now and then it's ok to put yourself first and you need to be able to explain to your Dh how you feel and that you really need his support st this time. Even a hug can go a long way or a few kind words.
I think that we get afraid to mention it to others after a while as they see on the outside that we are coping But it's what we are feeling inside that is the problem and unless people have had a loss they really don't understand how devastating this can be.
You don't have to be brave and hide your tears, let your Dh see how upset you are feeling.
The good thing is that and your siblings can help each other, it's a very tough thing to go through and each one of us deals with it in different ways, some find they cope quite well, others, like me after nearly five years still find things sometimes incredibly difficult sometimes.
The first year is the worst I would say as you have all the special days to contend with such as birthdays etc, but I promise you, eventually you will feel better than you do now. You will never forget and will always love him. But you will learn to cope with it.

Thank you sad and mummylin for your replies. You've both pinpointed exactly and made me feel better that I aren't in some weird parallel universe all alone. Not much time for me
At the minute, sleep is a priority right now. Just for to head out but will reply later as I think this will help me a lot just to express some
Feelings without judgement. Xx

Hi, I've not posted for many months. I went through a period of extreme anxiety after Mum died where I couldn't seem to do anything. It is a little bettrer now. Thinking of everyone. I too feel very jealous of those with their Mum's and grandparents around; both my parents are now dead and my children are still young.

I cried a lot today it feels like it just happened. I think maybe now baby is getting a little older my mind is taking the time
To go back to where it should have been before. I argued with dh this morning and told him I was struggling, when I saw him later in the day he was very vacant and we barely spoke, I thought he would have realise I need him to support me without me having to keep coming to him crying and asking for a hug or help. Now he is home this evening and. Ack to being attentive and wanting to talk and I just don't at all feel like I can

Taking "me" time is pretty difficult, between wrestling a toddler and feeding a baby and keeping up with life in general there isn't much time left but I am trying to. I hopefully will be going to a residential physio place soon for a recurring injury, and they also have counsellors there so that would probably be a good option for me I think. Hopefully it will come along soon.
His partner wants to order the headstone soon. She hasn't spoke. To me about it but is hounding my sisters. This seems to be common, she doesn't say anything to me but my sisters get all the information/denands. My dad had a well established business with a lot of customers and my sisters ran it when he died, doing all of his weekend work and informing everyone of his death, keeping his business going so it doesn't collapse. I couldn't due to the pregnancy and dh either as it I loved a lot of travelling but now baby is here we have offered but she never gets back to us to ask us to help but continues to put it on my sisters which I resent. Being on maternity pay also I haven't been able o contribute financially which doesn't sit well with me, and I don't want to order a headstone and rely on everyone else to pay but am going to have to or else she will just go ahead and order t as she wants without even asking us (she's quite bull headed).
I will try to call crude this week. I keep looking at it then putting it off. I am scared to talk about it because I know once I do I will be a mess. But I know that I must.
I saw my mum earlier and told her I was struggling. She asked what with and I said pretty much life and dad and that I hadn't had time to process anything. She was taking my lb out for the day so we only had a minute as he was getting antsy, but hopefully she will talk more another day. She means well and I know she will help and listen. She sat with my sister for hours looking through old photos of him, which must have been hard for her. I think k
She just lacks a bit of tact, eh me and my sister were talking about dad and his partner Tyne other day whilst at mums house as we had not seen each other for a few weeks as she was on holiday. We were talking quietly in the room where others were and mum kept asking cheekily "what are you two whispering about?" We said "nothing!" And she asked again and again. Eventually I snapped and said we are talking about dad. She looked sorry and left us alone but then I felt horrible!
Anyway, yes special occasions are going to be hard. We had Father's Day just after baby was born and I was in hospital with a serious infection for two weeks, I almost died (I hate to sound dramatic but also added to a lot of stress) so was alone during that time seeing all the adverts on tv etc. I am already dreading Christmas, dad was so goofy and all I want is to see him wearing a stupid hat and eating a cream cake with it all over his face (the heart disease isn't much of a mystery ) and I can't bear the thought of having to go to his house or see his partner and him be absent. But then it's lo's first Christmas and that should be happy.
I wish I could say all of this to my husband but i will just shut down when he Wants me to talk and I hate myself for it and I don't know why I can't just fall on him,

I'm sorry you had to deal with a sudden death too, it makes you feel so robbed doesn't it? My mil had cancer for three months and deteriorated so quickly that even her death was a shock, so there were no goodbyes or chances to say anything, it's a choice of two evils isn't it. I sometimes wish I had known this would be his last year. I would have made so much more effort. I am trying not to think that way but it is hard not to. I wa supposed to see him the week before he died but he was full of cold and we were off on holiday so we arranged to meet when we were home. It was my birthday two days before and he dropped a card in but we were out. He didn't call, which makes me sad, but I know he was busy. I text him to say thank you but he didn't reply. I know he read it though and I'm glad I sent it. My sisters birthday was the day after he died too.
My eldest son is 2.5 years. He has forgotten him now and it breaks my heart because he was such an amazing grandad. These were his first grandsons and he would have taught them so much. He was a gentle giant and I was so excited for him to meet my next one (we didn't know the sex). We have him my dads name as a middle name. But it kills me they won't know him.
Well I've officially cried more writing this than in total in the last few months, better out than in as he always said! Thanks for listening. Xx hugs to you all. X

I'm so sorry, your kids are so very young and it must be very hard and a huge shock. Family times like Christmas are hard after a sudden loss and I went away on holiday the first year after my daughter died because I just did not want to be at home trying to do the "normal christmas" thing.

My Mum did not die suddenly but we were very close, she was my best friend, and that just can never be replaced.