Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Bee..that sounds like a totally beautiful service...truly beautiful...
Ssd.. I know what you mean but I guess all we can do it learn from our mistakes and not make them again and help those we can from what we have learnt? I feel very guilty too..I thought I was helping others- now I don't know. Counsellor told me I needed to learn to be more selfish and put myself first but that's not who I am..but maybe I need to learn to be to cope with my life..I don't know..I'm not making sense today..but I do know this You have certainly helped me and I thank you for that..

you're more than welcome catlady

bee, that sounds really lovely and am so glad it went well

one thing I've noticed from loads of posters on this thread, we all seem to be of a certain type...unselfish, un-self centered, caring and sensitive, maybe thats why we feel the loss of our parents so much? I;m not suggesting we feel worse than others, just grief and loss seem to hit others worse than some and stays with them for longer....am I making any sense?

Yes that does make sense..I know a person who lost her Dad..she was fine within a few weeks- like properly fine- not I'm pretending to be fine because you don't want to hear about my sadness fine...I thought she just coped well and thought good for you for coping so well..when Mum died she was the one who asked me three weeks later 'are you back to normal now'.. I didn't reply and she hasn't spoken to me since..made me realise how shallow and selfish she was..

Part of me has been so badly hurt by people's behaviour ( including family) recently that I just want to learn to be a bitch myself to protect myself but the other part of me doesn't want to change who I am/was...I don't want to learn to be a bitch..I don't want to turn into a selfish cow who doesn't care about others..but then I don't think I could go through what I'm currently going through again..I don't have any reserves left..counsellor says I'm just overwhelmed because I have had to deal with too much for too long...I'm waffling now ...basically I just wish people could all be a bit kinder to other people..

ssd Absolutley! I think once you get in the mindset it's hard for us to change.
I have also been told I need to put myself first but it's not in my nature, not after all this time

This has been a busy thread today, it is lively to see how much we can all help each other. ssd has been here a while now and we have gone through this together. But I was far luckier than her in regards to family.
But it is true what they say , that you find out your true friends.
bee I am happy to read how calm and peaceful your mums funeral was and that it has left you feeling peaceful today.
It does often seem to be that the ones who saw their parent regularly finds it hard to accept when we lose them
And whoever has such a lot of their patents stuff at their house, I do too. Lots of big containers full of stuff I could not bear to throw out ! Even bits of paper which my mum had written on. I keep saying I will go through it, but still don't think I can throw stuff out !

My garage is full and my Dad wants more stuff taken away because he wants to clear his house...bleurgh

Oh I have so many of those plastic containers stashed in my garage, I have no idea what to do with it all, seems so disrespectful to throw the 'good' things away but DH won't have any more in the house.
I also have an essay my Mum wrote at a writing class, it breaks my heart as she was referring to a local junk shop where she loved to buy vases and wash them and make them all sparkly, she said that it made her sad they were people's house clearances and hoped her things didn't end up somewhere like this, imagine the guilt on taking her things to the local charity shops, I felt wretched.

Oh Sayerville...that's tough....I literally just take anything I get handed by Dad then put it in garage ( except for photos) I can't face sorting it yet but will need to do it before winter because I don't want it going mouldy before I sort it out.. There's endless bags/hats/toys.... I got given a car load of rusty tins few weeks ago- those I took straight to dump..

potential, my sister said that to me, straight after we had scattered mums ashes, she said "you spent enough time looking after mum (like it was a fault of mine), now you have to get on with your own life" and drove away, I didnt see her for 4 years till recently. Shallow and selfish is very true. I dont know why some people are like that, its hard to accept but its no use pretending otherwise. But some people surprise you too, a mum from school I dont see much came to my door and asked how I was doing, I was so touched by that and havent forgotten. I've really hardened up since mum died, my sister had a really bad health scare this year and when I was told about it I felt nothing, just nothing. Its just how its all turned out.

talking about clearing out stuff, I took most of mums stuff that I didnt keep to one of those cash for clothes places. It wasnt that I wanted rid of things or I wanted money for them, I just knew I couldnt have any of her things in a charity shop as I wouldnt have been able to keep away from it, so I had to give them somewhere I knew I'd never see them again.

my friend works in a charity shop and she says its lovely to see old people in her shop looking at things others have treasured, and buying it and taking it home. when her dad died she gave all his stuff to a charity shop in her local town, as she said she knew someone older like her dad would find good use for it all and that gave her great comfort..I'm sure your mum would be pleased someone else would be able to treasure her things sayerville, she'd know you couldnt keep everything.

I wish I'd been able to give mums things to charity at the time but I would have be in the shop all day smelling her clothes and trying to get her back.

Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mum dying (at 11.40 ish 🙂). The smile is because I remember the time. For the first time in 3 years, she was 80, I was then 49), I kinda feel ok. I miss her terribly, I got married this year in May, and sobbed on my wedding day, but, I am now kinda moving forward. I went to her grave yesterday, put 10 different coloured gerbers in the holder. It does "get better", slowly but surely, it really does.

Maddie...you don't know my story but Thankyou for that..it has given me a little hope...
Ssd..When I was clearing my Mums room in the nursing home she had been in for a little I asked the home if they would like to keep her clothes/blankets for any of the ladies who needed them but they declined...as I was walking out with bags of stuff I stopped to say goodbye to one of the ladies that I had got to know..I knew she had very few clothes because she always wore the same two outfits...anyway I asked her if she would be offended if I offered her some of my Mums things...she was delighted and we spent the next half an hour choosing some outfits that would fit her and that she liked...and she asked for one of my Mums teddies to put on the end of her bed....it made me happy that day...it was early on when I was still in the shock stage when I was still able to look at her things without getting upset...
Now I just have the endless task of helping Dad clear out the house they lived in for over thirty years and every tin/sock/top/tuberware/book comes with a long story from my Dad or some sort of demand..it's never ending..makes me want to get rid of all my 'things' to be honest so that no one gets to pick through them if I die

I like anyone who has madcatlady in her name. I don't know your story sweetheart, but if I can be of help??

Now I'm back....(name changed for other reasons on that aibu thread), am I the only person that can never remember their mums voice? I cannot. Literally since the day she died.

Thanks Maddie... Have taken my sleeping tablet so won't make sense now...

no, I can't remember my mums voice either, I really struggle to think of it, I can remember friends mum who have died voiced but I cant remember my mums, isnt that the weirdest thing?

potential thats a lovely story and so nice you were able to help the older lady too

maddie, I'm sorry but I'm not sure who you were before, but you are right, it does get better, the rawness starts to fade over time and gradually life returns to normal, even if its a new normal. my mum is nearly 4 years dead and I can talk about her without crying now and my every thought every day isnt about her. I'm finally moving on too. it does happen potential, very gradually, but its very true, time is the only healer. Just try to be kind to yourself and dont be mad if you feel you arent feeling how you think you should be feeling, its all very gradual, 2 steps forwards 3 steps back kind of thing, it was for me anyway, but you will start to feel a teeny bit better as time goes on x

Motor neurone disease stole my mothers voice months before she died. What I would have given in those last few months to hear her voice and be able to talk to her. I can't actually remember the last conversation we had and it breaks my heart.

That is so awful 50degrees. You and your mum must of gone through a really tough time. It's a terrible illness isn't it . I am luckier in that I have some videos of my mum , I just can't pluck up the courage to watch them. Do you have anything like that from before she got so ill or anyone else in the family ?

Another car load of 'stuff' given to me yesterday by my Dad.. Even the kids know now to just say 'Thankyou' to everything he offers them ( like old bras for teenage girl) .. They know that I will deal with it for them once we get home...soo much stuff..
50degrees..I so sorry about your Mum..MND is a truly horrible cruel thing

Oh crikey potential is your dad just literally packing everything up and gives it to you ? Is he actually sorting anything out ? Maybe you will have to drop a few gentle hints about being short of room. It's difficult isn't it

Yes basically that's what's happening...hes clearing out completely a very large house...stuff has been given to charity but mostly he likes to tell a story about every single pot/cup/vase/item of clothing...he likes to give the whole history of each item and then hand it to whoever is there..every time I go I'm expected to fill the boot and if I don't go I'm phoned and told that he has more stuff waiting...

It's a difficult situation isn't it. But if there is much more you will have to say " no more dad " he may be thinking that by giving you all your mums things he is keeping it " safe". And it makes it easier to clear out her things knowing that you have them.

Oh there's loads more...massive house..years of my Mum 'collecting' stuff from charity shops/ jumble sales etc.. Called to check him this afternoon because he's not well and he tried to give me more stuff..haven't unpacked car from yesterday because it was lashing here and he was cross I wouldn't take anymore..

It upset me..came home and took a tablet..another long weekend away...