Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

oh potential, you have it hard, thats very difficult to deal with..is it worth trying to say something to your dad, or have you tried this and got nowhere?

50 degrees, I'm sorry, that is an awful illness and so hard for you to watch.

He doesn't listen..just gets cross or pretends he doesn't hear...I can't open my garage door any more just the side door..need to bite the bullet and just dump stuff but that seems disrespectful to my Mum.. Sorry I'm in a moany mode tonight.. It's been a long hard week.. There's lots of crap going on with kids father too and it's all just a bit much tonight..

thats tough, I'm sorry , rant away on here and get it off your chest..

Hi, I hope no one's minds me joining in, I am a bit of a lurker really but I thought this might be a good place for me to get my thoughts out.
My Dad, who was far too amazing and wonderful for me to put into words, passed away unexpectedly in his sleep 15 months ago, he was only 55. I think sometimes I feel worse now than I did in those first few horrible weeks. The shock has worn off and I have to go to work and can't just live of biscuits and tea like I could initially.
I cry, or come close to crying, pretty much every day. No one would know in work, I'm very good and putting on a front, and almost refusing to think about it when I feel I have to.
But it's horrible, I miss him more than anything, I feel sick when I think of everything he has missed. Sometimes I just don't know how to deal with how I feel, I'm scared if I start talking about it, I won't ever stop crying, and Ill just break apart.
But really, the reason I started to write this post, is because I don't know how to help my lovely mum. They had been married since they were 18 and 19, they were looking forward to a future together with lots of grandchildren, and that's gone.
I have 3 sisters that have all moved out, but since my dad passed away I've moved back to my mums with my partner to help save for our wedding, so I'm the one that sees our mum everyday.
I can tell she is very low, and she admits that herself, but she is reluctant to talk because she doesn't want to upset me. And I dont know what to do. I try to be there, but at the same time, I feel like I never know what to say, and just feel so helpless and like I could just hide away from it all.
I feel like my mum has almost written the rest of her life off, and I don't want that for her. She deserves happiness in her future, just like the rest of us.
Why did this have to happen? It's so unfair. I just want my Dad back and for everything to go back to normal.

Good morning kerplunk I have always thought that for a wife / husband to lose their partner is like losing half of yourself. Particularly when they have been together a long time and had a family together. So much they have shared and then all of a sudden your other "half" has gone. I would imagine it takes a long while to adjust to this situation. It is probably very helpful to your mum that you and your partner are staying with her, this must go towards helping her with loneliness etc a great deal. But it's not just that, it's the sharing things with her husband, talking about you and your siblings together and things like that. That has been taken away from her and it must be awful. You also are still grieving but for your dad, not a husband, and although your grief is just as upsetting and valid, it's not the same as it is for your mum, and it must be tough for you to know what to do in these circumstances. But really for both of you it is still relatively early days and gradually you and your mum will be able to have good times again. Does your mum have any social life at all ? Go out with any friends etc ? You are helping each other just by being there. I hope others are helping too.

potential I'm sorry that you have so much on your plate, it looks like you are going to have to say now to your dad that enough is enough. And I thought of something else, you said previously that you will probably have to move. So that means all the stuff you have already has to be moved too, which is another worry for you. So no more !!
Have you sorted out the nicer thing in your life, your Xmas break ? Is it all booked.

Thank you mummylin, I think that's exactly what my mum misses. Those conversations about me and my sisters, how we have grown, that kind of thing. They really were like one whole person, and it is so painful to watch.
I know it helps myself and my partner being there, both emotionally and financially, I do worry about when we get to the stage when we're ready to move into our own house again. But my mum is always telling me not to ever let that stop me.
She works very antisocial hours so doesn't have the best social life, or even get out of the house as much as she would like. In the early days she met up with a group who were also windowed and enjoyed that, but hasn't gone since due to the hours she works. We all try to go on days out together when we can though, we are a very close family.

It's good that you are a close family, I am lucky that I also have that, so many people do not have that support from their siblings. It probably will be difficult when you move out, but you have to live your own life and I would be saying the same to my adult dd , but by then your mum may be a lot more settled and able to cope. It is good that she is still at work as at least her mind is occupied some of the time. It all takes time. And gradually you will all be able to enjoy life once more, that is not to say you will forget your dad, but you will be able to talk about him without getting upset. And your mum will too.

Thanks Mummylin.. He doesn't listen.. He gets cross or sulks, waits a few days then away he goes again with more stuff and stories..I get that the stuff needs to be sorted for him to move I just wish he would let me take loads of it to charity without all the fuss... Thankfully I don't need to move at min ( may still need to but not right now-am taking it month by month so not this month) although running away with the kids is such a tempting idea.. I just not just strong enough to keep us all afloat at min..there's a lot likely to happen in September and I just want to get kids through it with as least upset as possible.. Trip is mostly booked but that's one of the September things- kids father may attempt to stop us going....

I lost my mum 10years ago next month and my heart is still breaking
I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 7months ago @33yo. I have rapid cycling mood swings and v high anxiety levels
I feel v low and had to have my implant and mirena coil removed due to hormonal sensitivity affecting my mood v severely
I would love another child (my beautiful son will be 2 in November) but my heart is also broken by a molar pregnancy at 7weeks in July last year
My husband and I have been on the verge of splitting up several times as the emotional reaction to grief and the ripple effect of depression and anxiety has made us v argumentative
I have alienated myself from my family and his as need time to decide what we need to do for the 3 of us
I was also made redundant 2 weeks before redundancy after 7years of employment and am considering going to an employment tribunal as well as doing a masters degree to get myself back to a stronger position financially and emotionally (I love learning :)
I know I have a lot going on so no surprise I have insomnia (fell asleep earlier in a friends so resting on their sofa wide awake &3:30 :(
Any advice or suggestions as to what I could do to try and lift my mood would be v much appreciated
Ps I joined a gym and went to yoga and for a swim this morning
TIA

Hi, first time on this thread. Lost my Mum six weeks ago and was slowly coming to terms with it. Went to an AGM yesterday where I had to speak, got through that fine, no mention of my situation as knew I woudn't cope. Then the Chairman stands up to speak and tells the whole room what has happened. I walked out in tears but got through the rest of the afternoon. Back to square one completely and don't want to get up today.

Good morning gmcc sounds like you have a lot going on. My sister also has bi- polar although she has been quite stable for about 8 years now. I understand how dehabilitating this illness is. Her first marriage broke up in the end because of it. Then she met someone else , married him and now they have twin daughters !! She did go through a rough time, but what actually helped her was she joined a local choir with a friend. This choir is tied up to another part of a group which does dance, so every now and then there would be a huge production which helped her enormously.
It's not a church choir They do musicals and things like that, she has also sang at weddings. Maybe something like this would help you ?
The only concerns were when she was expecting her twins. But she had the mental health team to help her if she needed them. Luckily she didn't. Of course there is always the chance it will come back but so far so good. She still sees physciatrists and people like that. If you don't fancy anything like that is there an interest you could take up at your local college, floristry, cake decoration or something ?
I would just like to add, that as a family member it is very very difficult to deal with this illness when there is a full blown episode going on. My sister and I had an agreement that we would agree to disagree as at times she said and did some really stupid stuff. I was her go to person and eventually she gained her happiness back. She had two long spells in a physciatric unit, which to be honest I'm not sure if they helped her.
I wish you the best of luck, I hope you get well and things improve between you and your Dh and that you get your longed for child.
As for your mum, I don't think we ever fully recover from losing someone that we love, we just learn to accept it eventually.

Hello all

I'm sorry for all your losses on here, it is heartbreaking. I lost my mum 4 years ago this month. We were very very close, spoke several times a day on the phone, and saw each other as much as possible. I was a lone parent for much of the time so she was my 'surrogate' partner.

I am SO lonely it's actually a physical feeling now, can this happen this long after? I feel worse now than in the early weeks/months.

Good morning Pip oh you poor thing, how thoughtless to of said that to the whole room. I am not surprised that it upset you so much.
The first few weeks are very unsettling and it just takes a thoughtless thing like that to take us back to square one. It's hard enough as it is to move on isn't it.
It is extremely early days for you, and I'm sure you are feeling still quite fragile.
But for you at this early stage of your grieving, just take each day as it comes, don't look ahead too far as this can also be upsetting.
If you don't want to do anything today, then don't. But make sure you eat something at least.
It will get better for you, but it does take a while. I am sorry for your loss

Howlong, same here. Lived with my Mum and am feeling impossibly lonely at times.

Mummylin, my very first flowers on MN, thank you so much. Am still in bed and willing myself to get up and have some coffee at least.

Hello howlong I am nearly a year in front of you and still miss my mum terribly. Some days I still can't believe it has happened. Like you I was very close to my mum and saw her most days when she would pop round for a cuppa or to bring me a cake she had made.
If I look too far ahead I just think it's getting longer since I saw her and that is upsetting too.
It sounds like your mum was a great support to you and I can only imagine how tough it was for you to lose her.
But you have a child and your mums genes are in your child so she will never be gone completely. It's very tough but sadly we can't stop these things happening.
Do you have siblings to help you through or really good friends who can help you ? Maybe you would benefit from seeing a bereavement counsellor.
I hope that you can move on and have a happy future.

Pip yes do that, then have a pj day unless it's essential that you do things ! Coffee ( and toast ) sounds just fine !

Agree about having Mums (and Dads genes) in us. I certainly like walking around knowing I will always have therm in and with me. Someone else said that recently and it did cheer me up.

And is certainly true. Do you do things that your mum did ? I certainly do and sometimes I find myself saying " mums sayings " to my own children and my dd does the same with her children ! And so it goes on. The circle of life.

My mum had the same interests as me and same sense of humour. A best friend as well as mum so doubly hard in that respect.

My siblings and I often now have a little chuckle about our mum. Funny things she did or said. It's all we have left, our memories. But no- one can take those away from us thankfully. It's so tough isn't it. My mum was always saying " one day when I'm not here " and I would say I don't want to talk about it, as the thought was upsetting to me. When my mum suddenly died I was in utter disbelief and shock. It took a long time before I stopped crying every single day. I try not to dwell on that awful day now as I can get upset very quickly about it. It was the worst day in my life and it probably was for all of us who lost our mum / dad. I think about her every single day and we all talk about her a lot.

Pip....I'm still in bed too..got up and put a load of washing on,let dog out then headed back to bed my safe place...pj day for me and kids today...I'm sorry for your loss

Thanks mummylin I don't really speak to anyone in RL about how I feel, not even my family, I don't feel they would understand.

I was on this thread some time ago, a few years I think maybe? But my username was different. I changed it for a certain thread ver recently (which I never wrote) and now it won't let me change it back!

I remember ssd her story was very similar to mine, siblings etc. I never thought I'd be getting worse.

pip Mum was also my best friend too, I miss her wisdom and above all her humour, she brightened my darkest days. I feel like I've been 'abandoned' all these years later

Hi there. My mum died on Friday, she was 76, diagnosed with oesophageal cancer two months ago, and she just got really ill and died. I'm ok mostly which feels a bit odd. I have cried, but it's normally when people say kind things about her, or to me. Otherwise I'm just getting on. Thing is, my dad is in bits. He's expecting me to organise the wake, the priest, which is ok, he's coming over for dinner most nights, again that's ok too, but he's keen to get mum's things sorted out and he wants me to do it. next week. he gave me a bag of her things on Friday afternoon - less than 12 hours after she had died. I can't cope with that. Also I rang him yesterday and he was in bits. I offered to go over but was relieved when he said not to. I don't know what I should be doing for him? I have so much already, both kids starting new schools on Monday, my dd has two chronic health conditions which need a lot of care. She was so badly bullied at school last year we have had to change schools. I can't manage my dad's emotions as well, yet I feel awful for him and feel I should be helping him. I don't really have anyone to talk to as my bf is battling stage 4 cancer..... can you advise me please???