Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

986 replies

Mummylin · 30/04/2016 11:29

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

OP posts:
t875 · 30/07/2016 18:52

Thanks Badvoc good to see you too Smile xx

Original poster
Mummylin · 30/07/2016 19:08

T how lovely to see you, glad things going ok for your dd now. There are a few of us still plodding along on this thread, I hope we help some of the newer ones. Don't be a stranger and pop in to say hello now and then.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 30/07/2016 19:11

...pulls up a chair...

My dad passed away from cancer in January 2016. He was a European courier and I tried to call him yesterday to get advice on driving in France.

Confused

Feel better for getting that off my chest.

Sorry for everyone's losses, sorry that so many of us hold parents in our hearts instead of in our hands xxx

Original poster
Mummylin · 30/07/2016 19:54

That is sad fruit I have often thought " oh I must phone mum " then remember I can't do that any more. It's upsetting isn't it ?
But it's still quite early days for you. I think we get so used to calling them, that it takes forever to realise we can't.
I have had two phones since I lost my mum, but I still put her number back in my phone,even though I know I can't ever ring it again. It just wouldn't feel right to leave her off my contact list !
Ps cider was the drink of my teenage years ! I thought I was so sophisticated !

OP posts:
FruitCider · 30/07/2016 20:21

I rang him every day for 10 years.

My mum wants me to sell stuff from his business but it's under my table in my lounge. I can't face it yet.

I'm about to make the journey of a life time, giving first aid to refugees in Calais. My grandad was a refugee so my dad would have loved it!

I've got a thing for dark fruit cider at the moment, don't ask me why!

t875 · 30/07/2016 22:19

Thanks mummylyn I can imagine you along with others on here help so many. You would make an amazing bereavement councillor as you are on here. You certainly were helful for me. This thread really helped me a lot.
Lovely to touch base. Will def try to pop in and have a cuppa and cake more often. BrewCakeHugs to you all.Flowers Xxx

FarelyKnuts · 30/07/2016 22:20

We met with the funeral director today. She'll be waked Tuesday night and funeral and burial on Wednesday morning. They collected her body from the hospital today.
It's all so unreal. I have moments of intense weeping and then nothing.
I told my DD. She has had a few crying episodes and is a bit more clingy, mostly to my partner, her other mother. Maybe it's safer for her to be sad with her? I think a little bit of her is unconsciously protecting me maybe.
Just climbed into bed now and have taken a sleeping pill in the hope it knocks me out for a little while.
My heart is broken.

t875 · 30/07/2016 22:27

So sorry fruit cider for your loss of your dad. Sad it is so hard.
Do what you want with your dads things in your time when you feel you can.
Sending you hugs to get through this very sad time. You have come to the right place these ladies on this forum are so warm. It is such a lovely caring group. I've known some of them on this group for 5 years. Take care Flowers xx

FruitCider · 30/07/2016 22:27

Fairly so sorry for your loss. Planning my dads funeral was horrific so I understand what you are going through X

FarelyKnuts · 30/07/2016 22:42

Thank you Fruit xx

Lambzig · 31/07/2016 09:11

I lost my Dad last night. Although he had cancer, it was very unexpected and I got there five minutes too late to see him before he died.

At the moment I feel I have to find a way to live forever because I never want my children to go through this.

Going back home with my stepmother last night and seeing his book still open with his glasses on the table next to his chair was horrific.

I don't know how we are going to get through this.

Lweji · 31/07/2016 09:35

Lambzig
Big hug.

You will get through, although it might not seem like it now.

I'm on holiday now and, somewhat as predicted, after the hectic days and week after my dad died, it's now that most of my memories come out. I only had a proper sob a couple of days ago.

Potentialmadcatlady · 31/07/2016 10:03

Lambzig...I'm so sorry for your loss....

My tears have finally started..I had cried at counselling but not just in house...now the tears are just there all the time..when I make dinner,when I have a shower, when I do the washing..I don't even realise half the time that I have tears running down my face until one of the kids asks me if I'm ok...it's not fair on them....everyday brings more bad news at minute- my Dads health, financial crap to do with ex husband, friends who have had bad news, world news....oh how I would love just a little bit of something good to happen just so I could smile a proper smile.... My friends ( I have only a very few at min) think I'm better because I pretend when I see or speak to them ( it's just easier).. I don't talk about all the bad stuff with them anymore because they just don't get it...it's just easier to be in house on my own with the kids..I don't have to try with the kids...I just have to protect and care for them ( they have stopped contact with their Dad recently- their choice not mine)
I miss my Mum, I stupidly miss the routine of caring for her, I don't even want to get out of bed today and it's a beautiful day but I don't want to see it

Original poster
Mummylin · 31/07/2016 12:28

Hello lambzig first of all my condolences on the loss if your dear dad. Not only do you have to deal with the death, it's also the shock in an unexpected death. You just can't believe it's happened. So you have two terrible things to get through.
I am sure at the moment you feel like you won't get through it all, but although it takes time , you will.
You wonder how all around you, others are just living their daily lives when you are in such pain. It hurts, there is no doubt about that.
We all understand here, as we have all gone through it. I hope you have good friends and family to support you at this time, it really does help. always someone here to give you support. Flowers
potential I expect you feel the dams have now opened, but it's better to sob than bottle everything up inside.
There are some who feel that grief is just a two week thing and that we should by then have " got over it " if only it was as simple as that.
But I do think that for others who haven't lost mum / dad they have no idea how much it affects us, and also our future lives. I have certainly lost my spark since my mum died. And I don't think it will ever come back. I just go on day by day but daily miss her, and this is now 4 1/2 years down the line. Of course we do continue to function, have a laugh , go to different functions etc, but it's not the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummylin · 31/07/2016 12:32

potential on re reading your post,it seems you have several other things to cope with as well. So you are obviously going through a tough time. Things will improve at some point, but for now you need to take care of yourself and your children. And I promise you , that one day you will find yourself giving a " real " smile to someone. Everything just takes time. Flowers

OP posts:
FruitCider · 31/07/2016 12:37

Lambzig, so sorry for your loss... My dad too died from cancer and I missed him by 5 minutes too. Knowing that I had missed his death tore me up initially, but 6 months down the line I've learned to live with it, and I hope you will too xxx

Lambzig · 31/07/2016 13:43

Thank you all. I went for a walk with DH and the kids this morning which really helped. My kids are a bit little too understand, but they adored their grandfather and I am heartbroken they didn't get more time with him.

Dreading the admin I have to start dealing with tomorrow. My sister is making it all about her (as ever) when my dearest stepmother has lost her partner of 38 years. My sister told her, I have known him for longer than you so it's worse for me. Dear lord, it's not a competition.

It's just you wish you could fast forward six months to get past the worst of it. It isn't real yet.

Potentialmadcatlady · 31/07/2016 15:47

Thank you Mummylin... I'm trying just to think of the kids and me as a bubble that I need to protect... I'm trying just to make that my focus- them first then me then all the other hateful stuff that is swirling around outside th bubble... Since my Mum died everything that could go wrong has ( except for my child's health being ok- he has the potential to get really sick)..I just want my kids to be happy and me to be able to exist without the hideous pictures in my head of that last month...Thankyou for caring..I hope when my friends time comes to go through this I remember this horrendous feeling and can support them fully ( if this feeling ever leaves)
Lamb zig...my family were the same about the competition bit... I'm ashamed to say I have to have as little contact as is totally possible with most of them because I just couldn't handle the family nonsense un top of everything else... Massive hugs to you and I hope that the paperwork etc goes as smoothly as it can...

Original poster
Mummylin · 31/07/2016 16:04

potential you will be a massive help to your friends as you will of already gone through the grief process yourself, so you will have complete empathy with them, hope everything else gets sorted out soon if possible.

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 31/07/2016 16:15

Thanks Mummylin...one thing I promise I won't do is to expect them 'to get over it ' or to say 'oh you are so much better today' because they have managed to get out of the house and not fall apart.. That's hard to deal with esp as I feel such an anxiety filled bag of nerves inside while pretending outside...unfortunately things are going to get much worse for the next 6months or so before they get better- Dad in renal failure, court case due to financial naughtiness..kids refusing to see their 'dad' so back to family court..and all I want to do is go for long walks and grieve for my Mum who I miss so much more than I expected..

Original poster
Mummylin · 31/07/2016 17:11

Is there anyone at all can help you get through all of this potential seems an awful lot on your plate right now. Bad enough you are grieving without anything else. Quite happy to chat on here or by pm if it will help at all.

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 31/07/2016 18:59

Thankyou again..you are so kind... I just try to get through hour by hour by hour and keep feeding/washing/looking after the kids.. My counselling has finished now and I don't qualify for any more via the gp- no idea why- just need to keep on trying to get through the days I guess... It's not like my Mum could have helped me anyway ( I looked after her) but it's still so hard not to have her here when I need her...

Original poster
Mummylin · 31/07/2016 19:45

That's the way to do it potential just get through each day hour by hour. It really does help if you have someone you can talk to. Don't worry about things you cannot change and don't worry about next week, get through today for now.

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 31/07/2016 21:08

I'm trying..nearly bedtime...learning that 'not wanting to live' was different than 'wanting to die' has strangely helped me cope if that makes sense..I don't want to be here but I'm not going to do anything to make me not be here..besides I couldn't leave my kids so I have no choice...

Original poster
Mummylin · 31/07/2016 21:55

I am quite sure that the love you have for your children will help you through this very sad time. If you find yourself going on a downward spiral, please go to see your doc. I am sure that they are used to seeing many others in your position. You will be ok potential but it does take a bit of time. And you have to remember that it is quite normal to feel as you do, it's a life changing and earth shattering thing that has happened to you. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and are not going to lay awake worrying.

OP posts: