Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

To all the other recent posters, I hope you are all managing to cope as well as you possibly can in your circumstances.

Lambzig I'm so sorry for your loss. And to everyone else as well

We have to go meet the priest today to finalise the details for the funeral.
Yesterday was very hard, was back to my parents house for the first time since mum died. It was so wrong without her there. The smell of her still in the house floored me.
I feel like her death has drilled a hole through me. I can't seem to stop crying.
I don't cry usually so this is very strange.

Farely, Lamzig potential and Fruit (and anyone else I've missed), it's a shit shit time and nothing anyone can say will make it any better. Mummy I do agree that the relief we feel at our parent no longer suffering is probably an initial emotion and we move towards the absolute realisation that they are no longer there and we just can't pick up the phone any more. Potential it does sound like you have a load more on your plate than you might normally have. When it rains it absolutely pours. I'm so sorry you are going through all the other stuff on top of your grief. I've been feeling 'okay' but mainly numb and like I am still in shock. It was so shocking watching mum die, I'm hoping those vivid memories pass soon.

I saw the receptionist at work today. She asked how my holidays were. I said fine thanks. (Mum died on day 2 of my annual leave, her funeral was the last day). She asked where I'd been. I'd actually been to Nice, (flew back when we found out she was in hospital with pneumonia). We got back from Nice 2 days before the nutter drove over everyone on Bastille day. The receptionist said "oooh lovely, I bet that was nice". I just stared at her and had to remind myself not to ruin her day by telling her what actually happened.

Hello everyone. I lost my mum this morning. She had been ill for a few months and died this morning. She had not been eating for a while and had withdrawn from life. I kept hoping that she would get better especially that she had 2 beautiful grandchildren. I am just in shock.

Farelynuts.. I hope today went ok....I found ( still find) clearing out Mums stuff from her house hard and she hadn't even been there for a couple of years- was in nursing home..
Mythreeknights..Thankyou and yes you are right..it feels like a hurricane at min and everyday brings more sadness ( today it was my cat who ended up being kept at vets)...I keep hoping things will settle but they aren't and probably won't for a while..I keep remembering the saying 'when you find yourself in hell keep walking'.. My Mum took a long painful time to die (21+ days) and I don't think the images will ever go away but they are slowly very slowly getting easier to co with as they play in a loop in my head...
Russiandolls.. I'm so so sorry for your loss...my Mum had stopped eating too..first few times we got her eating again but not the last time..she had given up...she had lots of grandkids who meant the world to her...are your kids old enough to remember her? My daughter wears a necklace all the time that she remembers her gran wearing from when she was little...if they aren't old enough maybe you could put some pictures up of her with them when things are a little easier so they talk about her...I wasn't able to at the start but have managed to put one of her with my kids up now...thinking of you tonight..
Hope we all manage to get some sleep..I have to take sleeping tablets for now but I'm hoping that will pass eventually

Thank you. I think that she had given up. My son is 7 and my daughter is 2. It was her birthday today. We will celebrate properly in a couple of weeks as I feel that it isn't fair on her. I'm sure that she senses something is up. My son wants me to sit with him for a bit so will do that shortly....
Thinking of you in the same position.

Wish I could help..it's hard..

Hello Russiandolls my condolences on the loss of your mum. It's a tough times isn't it. I am sure you must be in a state of shock at the moment. Despite people being ill I think it's still a shock when it happens. How sad that your mum died on your little dd,s birthday. I do think that a lot of the time when people are ill, they do give up on life, they have had enough of being ill.
I hope you have RL support as this is important for helping you through this extremely sad time.
One day at a time for now and look after yourself.

My condolences too, RussianDolls.

I don't see it as giving up. Not on life. More like the bodies themselves can't cope anymore. In the same way that we often lose appetite when too tired or ill.

My dad's liver was compromised. I didn't feel he was giving up, more that he simply got too ill.

Hello Lweji and Mummylin.

She was also very depressed. I managed to get her seen by the local mental health team and they did try. She was in and out of hospital and they kept changing all her medications. I just wish that she had had longer with us and stayed healthy.

One of the hard things for me was that my Mum completely gave up..she made an active decision to stop eating when her mind was clear because she didn't like what was happening to her ...the not eating/drinking caused her damage which lead her on a downward path- the damage caused her more distress so she repeatedly refused to eat which caused more damage etc etc....her ultimate decline and then slow slow death was as a result of both her medical condition but mostly because her body literally starved to death...while I understand she didn't want to live anymore watching her die that way was grim and unnecessary...she repeatedly asked me to 'help her die' in the last weeks...she ended up dying the death she always dreaded happening but the sad thing was it happened because of her actions....I still have a lot of guilt over that and not being able to help her but what could I do....I do know that if my child is ever in the same situation I won't sit and watch it happen..my Mum was an adult who made a choice,I won't let the same thing happen to him no matter what it means happens to me..
Sorry if that's upsetting for anyone ,it just helps to put in down in writing...I have no one to talk to about it in rl

Catlady...my aunt did the same after my dad died.
Very distressing to watch
I'm so sorry X

Thanks Badders..I'm sorry you had to watch it too...easily the worst thing I have had to live with in my life and I have had to spend years in hospital with my child- but with him we were fighting together to beat death..my Mum wasn't and I guess that was the difference... I understand why care pathways etc have now changed but I think it has swung much too far in the wrong direction..we don't let our pets suffer in the same way....

I know my cousin was very angry at my Aunt.
She felt she gave up - and I guess she did.
She told my cousin that it should have been her, not my dad who died.
What can you say to that? 😞
She had just....had enough.
its very hard.

Funny I'm the opposite ,I'm not cross with my Mum, she had had enough,, I'm cross with the doctors but mostly myself so sitting there for four long weeks watching her suffer and not doing more to help...I know logically I couldn't do any more it was out of my hands and I did all I humanly could to help her but it just wasn't enough to take the suffering away...

No
And you have to keep telling yourself that.

Yes I know..my head understands it but my heart hasn't got there yet..

It's early days.

My beloved Dad died a month ago, unexpectedly after a short illness. He was elderly and had a lovely life, so really, not much cause for sadness, but I miss him so much. I just keep getting swept up in overwhelming waves of grief and tears and just all encompassing sadness.

I can't imagine what my Mum must be going through. They'd been married for 60 years. How do you deal with that?

I know it will get better with time. His funeral was small, personal, family oriented and I think we honoured him, but sorting out his stuff has been really hard - a long and happy life distilled into a rather small box of lovely memories.

I find I want to talk about him all the time - I keep bringing him into conversations even with people who never knew him and who barely know me, just so I can mention him.

A big hug to everyone who has lost someone they love, especially those who went before their time.

Hello lotta it's a terrible shock isn't it when a death is unexpected. So you have two things to deal with, the death and the shock. It's horrible, I went through the same thing. The shock will wear off, then you are left with the awful sadness of grief, which is tough to bear. It takes quite a while to learn to live with this, I don't say accept because some people can never accept this. I don't accept it, but have learnt to live with it. But someone special has gone unexpectedly in your life and it hurts.
In time you will have longer gaps between being a sobbing wreck and the not so bad days.
You have to get through all the firsts in the immediate months and that can be tough.
I am sorry for your loss, I too wonder how it must be for your mum who has spent so many years with him, it must be like losing half of yourself.
I hope you and your friends and family can all support each other to help you and your mum through this very sad time.

Would you mind sharing your experiences of work and getting compassionate leave arranged? I work part time, 4 days a week, and mum went into hospital and died within my pre-arranged 2 week annual leave, so I didn't need to take any time off work. I came straight back to work the first working day after the funeral (although did very little other than stare into space). I emailed my boss last night to ask whether he'd honour a standard 3 day compassionate leave that I could 'bank' back into my annual leave and he basically said no, as I'm part time, it doesn't count. WTAF?? I then checked the internet as far as I can tell, it is at the employers discretion, so he is within his rights. The problem is that I no longer want to work for him, as he seems to value saving pennies over and above being compassionate to his employees. I wrote back asking whether he'd consider the days I spent in hospital with her (2) and the day of her funeral to be annual leave and haven't heard back. It did tip me over from being 'calm' about mums death, to being incredibly upset, to the point my nose is still sore from crying all of yesterday evening and through the night until I passed out at about 2am.

What were your experiences, and do you think I should just suck this up or do you think it's understandable that I might start looking for alternative employment?

That's awful, Mythreeknights My work's official line is 3 days compassionate leave. In reality my dad died on a Saturday - I took the whole of the next week off work, then went back in on the following Monday but didn't do any face-to-face client work, I just got my head down in the office. I took the funeral and the day after off work. They haven't marked any of this down at all. I do work for a charity, so I don't know if that makes them more compassionate, or whether they just recognise that if you treat your workforce properly, it's worth it in the long run. I did get a call from someone at the same level as me the Wednesday after dad died to ask if I was popping into the office the following day ie 5 days after he died..... WTF? Er, that would be a no. I pulled her up on that later, but I was v upset by it at the time. I'm sorry for your experience. I guess it depends whether you think you can bear staying there? Are there lots of positives normally there?

Sorry mythree that you are having all this upset from your work, I'm afraid I can't help with this, but hopefully someone can advise you. I am sorry for your loss. All I will say is that if you find it intolerable to work there anymore I would leave if it's financially possible for you.

That is awful. I work 2 days, i had the week she died the week after then the day before the funeral and the funeral off. I got paid for all of it, I work in a school.

We buried mum yesterday.