feeling so alone

[jenmac22]

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

Thankyou lily. Sitting tonight not believing I will never see dave again. God,I miss him so much. It feels like forever since I had him with me and I just want him back. I know you're feeling the same. It's too hard xx

I thought of your darling Dave when I lit my candles last night. I know how you're feeling leading up to his anniversary. I hope you can find some moments of peace and calm however fleeting they might be.

Sending you love and a hand to hold.

Thinking of you today dear Jen as you mourn your darling boy. Your precious sweet son.

Sending you love and holding your hand.

Called my youngest son David today. His name is on my lips constantly. I miss him so much. I plead with whoever is listening to let me go back, for a chance to make it different. No ones listening, and there are no chances 😢

Oh Jen. I hear exactly what you're saying and it all resonates with me too. We'd give anything to have them back. They didn't deserve this and it's just not fair when there are some real shits in this world who get to carry on breathing. I have a small (but select) list of people I'd have cheerfully thrown into that grave instead of my darling boy.

Just sending lots of love. XXXXX

Hate the foreverness of this. I just need him back now. 😢

It seems further and further away doesn't it.

How can it be so long? How can we just continue to exist without our darling boys. XXXXX

Just checking in jen and sending love. flavoured love! XXX

Thanks Lily, I'm just trundling along. Totally fed up with everything.

Went to Edinburgh, haven't seen Jamie as happy for such along time, he feels closest to Dave there I think :-( xx

Can't sleep tonight, just teary and so alone, missing my boy.
Wondering why him, why us?

Your thread cane up the in active convos. Heartbreaking

Hi jen.
Trundling along and keeping breathing is sometimes the way ahead isn't it. I'm so glad that Jamie enjoyed Edinburgh. Nice for you to see him happy.

There are no answers to the questions, why him and why us? I wish I had answers too.

Just sending hugs and lots of love

Just wanted to send a quick message to say that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love.

Bleak, low and sad times. How we miss our darling boys.

Trying to get a balance between allowing yourself to grieve and keeping going for the sake of the others is exhausting. I sometimes feel that I really need a good sob but it just doesn't come, and then other times it's overwhelming. (I just shared this with a dear friend and thought I'd share with you and also on my own thread as it's just so apt).

I don't like being broken.

Thanks Lily, its just how I feel. I'm tired of it all now. I can't face the forever without him.
I just wonder how it came to this.

Dearest jen
I know. But we have to face the future without them. How can we let our other DSs think we don't love them enough to stay, or that they are less important.
Sending lots of love

Here I am the run up to 5 years without my boy. I can't believe it will be 5 years, god knows how I got here. It feels so lonely, Dave is missed so so much. I think of him constantly, I wonder where he is, and why he had to go. I worry that he suffered, that he needed me and I failed him. I see him lying there, and my head gives me no respite. It's a living hell.
Will it ever get easier?

How can it possibly be nearly five years without your darling Dave? I struggle to comprehend how the world can keep turning. Flashbacks are hideous and so hard to cope with. My head gives me too many unwanted thoughts. All the ifs, and maybes and those insidious little thoughts that once given a chink of light in our head just take over.

I wish I had some answers for us both.

Sending you biggest hugs.

Thankyou Lily. ❤
I'm frightened about this build up to December 23rd. I'm scared of the pain I feel.

I'm so sorry four loss op, this is truly every parents nightmare.

I lost a friend 4th Jan 2015. He had been drinking, went with a couple of friends to the beach and the car ended up getting stuck in the sand. They asked people to help get car out of sand and no one helped. Friend walked off in a huff and his body was found in the water the next day. He celebrated his birthday just days before. I said goodbye to him that night expecting to see him in a couple of hours.

Wishing you the very best op xx

Thankyou.

I'm so very sorry about your friend. It's heart breaking. We always assume there's a tomorrow, but we learn a hard and cruel reality that sometimes there isn't.
Xx

*Jen
*
My heart breaks for you. I lost my mum to drowning several years ago. The circumstances were different (in that is probably wasn't an accident) but year after year I agonise towards the day it happened, how it happened, how long it might have taken, if she was scared, in pain etc.

Much the same as you I expect

You obviously loved your son so much. It was a tragic, tragic accident. It's so hard to know what so say. I have no wise words really, just sending virtual and an ear if you need it. Life goes on, it's a different life though, and one you never imagined living. I hope you are still being supported in RL.