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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

feeling so alone

222 replies

jenmac22 · 02/12/2014 09:26

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

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LilyTheSavage · 18/02/2015 07:13

Days like that are just rubbish. I sometimes wish I had a magic wand to just wave and everything would be back to normal. I don't like this new normal.

Life without our boys just sucks.

Hope today is a bit better.

jenmac22 · 19/02/2015 20:02

How do people cope with this agony day in day out.
My mum said David would want me to live life to the full, and not keep thinking of what could have been or how it should be.
I don't know how to do that, I really dont know. I think I'm going to be like this forever.

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jenmac22 · 21/02/2015 01:41

Lying here unable to sleep, wondering why dave hadn't phoned me, I would have picked him up, everything could have been so different. A life of peace and happines. Why were we thrown into this dark pit? Forever is such a long time to be without our darling boy.

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QOD · 21/02/2015 07:31

It's so terribly unfair .
Empty words but my heart aches for you x

LilyTheSavage · 21/02/2015 07:50

It's just so unfair and so wrong. I replay things over and over in my head and have so many questions that will never be answered. Learning to live with that is impossible.

People say that our darling boys would not want us to be unhappy and they'd want us to go on. How can life go on with one of the most important ingredients missing? How can it? Stopping grieving and stopping mourning seems disrespectful and wrong. The moments of joy are like little slithers of glass in anotherwise muddy and gloomy world. Will we always feel like this?

jenmac22 · 21/02/2015 08:35

It's the unanswered questions that torture.
He made one phone call before his phone went out of service, to a stupid very drunk friend who ignored it. Why not me, I would have gone for him, life would have been normal. Instead I lie awake imagining his last moments, was he scared, shouting for me, all alone, and I failed him big style.
It's all so cruel, and so huge, and I feel swallowed up in it, always just pretending in every other area of life. But I don't want my other two boys to grow up with that, I want them to really know how much I love them, and to have happier memories of their mum. It's all so hard.

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Mojito100 · 21/02/2015 12:23

Just checking in. All you say and think is exactly what I do. Who knows whether they would want us to live life to the full all I know is that if I didn't miss my DD then that would be disrespectful to her. I also can't not miss her. As a mum the love you have for them can never be explained and when they are gone the loss you feel can also never be explained. It hurts too much.

LilyTheSavage · 21/02/2015 19:27

The unanswered questions and the gaps and the unknowns are excruciating. We would walk on burning coals for our darling boys.... without question. I have exactly the same imaginings hurtling through my mind. Yet again, our posts can be interchangeable (in fact I copied and pasted my last post to you and put it on my thread as well). I claw comfort from knowing that I'm not going mad (unless we're going mad together). It helps to know that I have a friend at the end of the keyboard who understands and is going through the same, although I so wish you weren't.

Sending you love and

Mojito100 · 25/02/2015 12:02

Checking in on you Jenmac. It always feels so trite when I write to ask how people are when they have suffered the loss of a loved one.

If I do this with you it's not meant to be trite but more to say hello, I'm thinking of you, walking right beside you with Lily and others and feeling the pain you do.

Today is not such a down day for me but as you would know that can change day to day and even minute to minute.

I hope your spirits have managed to lift a little and if not know I am sending you a great big enveloping hug

LilyTheSavage · 25/02/2015 13:36

I'm here too with Mojito. We're bringing and . Hope it doesn't feel as if we're stalking you.

Sending you great big hugs too.

jenmac22 · 25/02/2015 14:03

Aw thank you both, and I am so glad to have you believe me.

Having an okay day today, been out with Biffy, the dog, she keeps me smiling. I have decided I need to get fit, so am booked in with a personal trainer tomorrow, I need to do something, to try to lift this bloody mood. But have the body of an old lady so who knows if I will come out of the session in one piece, hope you are both okay today, thank you both xxx

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LilyTheSavage · 26/02/2015 23:19

Very glad you've had an ok day. Very impressed about the personal trainer. Let us know how you get on. I need to get my fat arse back into gear and start training again, but that's much easier said than done.
Sending you love and hot chocolate! xx

jenmac22 · 27/02/2015 08:53

Well,lily,I donned my lycra running shirts,andy laughed till tears came
I did ok with the personal trainer, and today can hardly walk..... Back for more next week.
I hope you're ok today
Xxx

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Mojito100 · 27/02/2015 10:42

Do what you can Jen. Someone said to me the other day everything in moderation including moderation which has made me think on a few things.

I'm not encouraging you to stop just do what feels right. It's all any of us can do.

LilyTheSavage · 28/02/2015 08:04

Well done jen. Give Andy a smack. Cheeky git! I'm really impressed. Small steps are what's needed, and especially from me too. I feel very blob-like at the moment and really need to start running again.

Sending you love. xxx

jenmac22 · 01/03/2015 01:47

The nights are always the worst times. Dark
thoughts running through my mind, I just want my boy back, I want David to be here physically, I ache to hear his voice I miss his hugs, I just want him home.
I hate that he was alone. It's torture daily, and my punishment is sleepless nights and flash backs.
Tomorrow might be easier, I hope.

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Mojito100 · 01/03/2015 07:13

Nights are definitely the worst. I have to agree. I am a master at pushing thoughts out of my mind but that doesn't make it easier to go to sleep. There are some aspects I just can't think of.

I know your thoughts as they are mine. Damn hard to work through. I hope you have something to help you sleep at times like this.

LilyTheSavage · 01/03/2015 07:50

I agree about the torture and dark thoughts and wondering if he was alone. I find that late afternoons and early evenings are my worst times though.
Hope you have a better day today. XXX

Mojito100 · 06/03/2015 10:23

Just checking in Jen. Thinking of you.

LilyTheSavage · 06/03/2015 11:30

Me too. Just stalking! XXX

jenmac22 · 06/03/2015 19:43

Thankyou both.
I'm struggling with sleep to be honest, went to my healer guy today, so maybe it'll work tonight xxx

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LilyTheSavage · 06/03/2015 21:43

Hope your session went as well as the last and that it brings you more peace and comfort.
Sleep well. Lots of love XXX

jenmac22 · 07/03/2015 19:55

Had an afternoon out with lovely friends for my birthday which is on Monday, was so good of them, and I feel grateful, but just another birthday without my boy. Then mothers day, it's all so hard. I miss you David, I love you xxx

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LilyTheSavage · 08/03/2015 07:26

I really hope that you're able to have a lovely day tomorrow and that you feel spoiled and loved. I looked for Dave in the clouds with Paddy yesterday.

Sending you lots of love and a big birthday hug. XXX

Mojito100 · 08/03/2015 13:12

Happy birthday.

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