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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

feeling so alone

222 replies

jenmac22 · 02/12/2014 09:26

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

OP posts:

Report

Mojito100 · 24/06/2015 13:12

Checking in jenmac. Hope things aren't feeling impossible to deal with at the moment. Haven't heard from you recently so want to make sure you are managing. Hugs to you.

LilyTheSavage · 04/07/2015 11:38

jenmac and checking in. Sending love. XXX

jenmac22 · 06/07/2015 00:41

Thankyou all for checking in, I haven't posted for a while, things are just how they are, and I worry that my mood will make others feel low too. David would absolutely hate seeing how sad I am, how we all are, how disjointed our close family have become. Grief is all encompassing, but he wouldn't have let it take over, and nor should I. I just find it so hard to pretend all the time and it’s exhausting knowing that I have to pretend forever.
David,so smiley,happy,with a real enthusiasm for life, he just made it better.
Sending you all hugs and love, and thankyou for listening xx

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Mojito100 · 06/07/2015 23:45

Jenmac, you can't bring us down so you should share. It took me six years of a terrible up and down mood cycle which was horrendous for all of us to live through. Being happy is a mask a lot of the time that we put on for our loved ones and friends. Dave may not have wanted you to be sad but it is impossible not to be and your heart is broken without your beautiful boy by your side.

Post whenever you feel up to it. After all this time of DD having been gone I am still impacted every day with changing symptoms and issues. We all do the best we can but it sure is hard.

LilyTheSavage · 08/07/2015 22:51

As before I feel like copying and pasting your post onto my thread. You echo my thoughts and feelings always.

Sending you big hugs. XXX

jenmac22 · 31/07/2015 22:47

I miss my beautiful son so much. I just want to speak to him, and laugh with him.
His youngest brother cried and said how sad he is all the time, how he misses David, every second. How do I help him, when he's described exactly how I feel too.
Just sad.

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LilyTheSavage · 01/08/2015 08:34

I don't have any answers either but I guess that for Dave's youngest brother knowing that you understand and feel the same way too must surely be helpful; just as for us knowing that you others understand and feel the same comforts us. I know I'm comforted by my other bereaved parent friends and that knowing that what we are feeling and going through is normal. We're not going mad. We're grieving.

Sending you big hugs.

jenmac22 · 13/08/2015 07:21

So true

feeling so alone

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LilyTheSavage · 14/08/2015 18:26

Very true. We are fantastic actresses.

jenmac22 · 18/08/2015 18:13

So beautiful.
For dave.

feeling so alone

feeling so alone

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LilyTheSavage · 19/08/2015 07:57

Wow! It's beautiful.

jenmac22 · 21/08/2015 07:43

I think there must be something wrong with me. Whenever I read stuff on child bereavement, the people always speak about how it's made them stronger, more aware of life,kinder, etc etc. I'm just overwhelmingly sad, full of my own selfish thoughts, full of self pity. I'm intolerant, can't be fucked with idiotic dramas, that aren't dramas. I want to hide away from pitying looks or arseholes. Im usually pissed off with someones careless, flippant remarks.
Why did I end up so messed up and only able to think of my baby. How do all these people get to where they are? I just can’t seem to do it.....

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LilyTheSavage · 21/08/2015 19:09

Stronger, more aware of life, etc etc etc. What shite they talk. I know that I'm over-sensitive and intolerant and can't be bothered with the rubbish that some people spout. I know that I over-react and am upset by things that would before have just washed over me. Is there a way ahead? I wish I knew. As so often before we are thinking the same thoughts.

I hope this weekend goes ok for you. I'll be thinking of you and raising a glass. Sending you love. Wish I could send you wine! XXXXX

jenmac22 · 21/08/2015 20:43

Aw thank god for you lily!! I sometimes feel such a failure.
Birthday time on Sunday for dave, I find it all so hard, he should be here, drinking his cheap french preems, and telling lots of stories,playing the guitar and lots of laughter, I can't believe he's not.
Thank you lily as always, having a tia maria with you xx

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LilyTheSavage · 21/08/2015 20:50

I'm drinking whiskey with you.

You're not going mad and you're not a failure. You're a mum who loves her boys. That's it. That's all. The. End!

I'm here holding your hand and drinking with you tonight.

jenmac22 · 23/08/2015 10:02

Happy birthday to my beautiful boy. Miss you and love you so much xx

feeling so alone

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LilyTheSavage · 23/08/2015 14:03

Beautiful Dave. Happy Birthday. XXX

jenmac22 · 01/09/2015 22:39

Missing my boy so much. Life is very cruel.

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LilyTheSavage · 04/09/2015 06:27

Hi Jen.

I've just made my first cup of coffee for the day and am thinking of Dave and Paddy and all our beautiful babies (big and small).

The pictures of the little boy on the beach have been particularly harrowing for us. Why do some people think it's ok to show this? For you and me, it's another knife into our hearts and giving it a twist as well.

Just wanted to send you a big hug and lots of love XXXX

jenmac22 · 22/10/2015 20:22

Hate this time of year, used to be my favourite time. my youngest son is writing his personal statement for uni, only a blink of my eye and it was Dave doing his, wishing I could disappear

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LilyTheSavage · 23/10/2015 11:40

I have just read this and it was written by a friend who is also a bereaved parent. I've removed the name to guard her privacy (and taken some bits out for the same reason).

"My own whys are a background to everything I do. They cannot be answered. I just have to live around them, recognising they are part of me, knowing that any answer will never be sufficient. They cannot bring you back, my darling.

But how you are loved!! ...

But I can give you my love. I remember the wonder of kissing your soft skin, the joy of watching you laugh, the absolute contentment you brought into my life.

Today, of all days, I must concentrate on love. The blackness of your death, the void in our lives is immense, and will overwhelm if I let it. But no.

My never-ending love story. We miss you so".

This makes complete sense. I might very well steal it for my thread as well. Sending love. XXX

jenmac22 · 14/11/2015 18:06

So fed up of being without my son, its just fucked up,and im fucked off.

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LilyTheSavage · 15/11/2015 04:59

I wish I had some answers. Just want to send big hugs.

LilyTheSavage · 04/12/2015 07:25

Just wanted to check in with you. I know you're going to be feeling even more bereft in the next couple of weeks leading up to your darling Dave's anniversary. Sending love XXX

LilyTheSavage · 12/12/2015 07:17

Just checking in. I know how sad you're feeling just now. Remember that I'm thinking of you and holding your hand.

Sending love.

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