feeling so alone

[jenmac22]

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

[mrsryan]

Wow, just came across this thread whilst browsing and felt I really needed to post. I lost my brother 3 years ago to suicide and all I remember thinking at the time was how that was it for my family and how we would never recover from such a loss, particularly my mum. Ironically my mum is the only reason we have managed to keep going on with our lives. She has been amazing, putting on a front everyday for us and allowing my sister and I to do what we need to (talk about him, laugh about him, mark special occasions etc). I can see the heartache in her eyes still but seeing how strong she has been has allowed us to carry on living our lives.

I am now 29 weeks pregnant with my 1st and feel an undescribable gratitude towards my mother for the way she has coped (or at least showed us she is coping). I am under no illusion that she suffers every day but for those of you who have sadly lost a child please know that your other children will be thinking the same as me and will be eternally grateful for allowing us to keep on living out happy lives. Stay strong ladies xx

[jenmac22]

Thanks mojito.

Hello mrsryan. Thankyou for taking the time to write. I'm so very sorry about your brother, 3 years is no time
Congratulations on your lovely news, something and someone to look forward to!! X
I hope my other 2 boys are feeling like you,and that they are able to live their lives 'normally'. It was so lovely of you to post and let us hear it from a siblings point of view, I'm very grateful. Wishing you good luck with your pregnancy, and sending your mum love too. Xx

[Mojito100]

I agree Jenmac, how lovely MrsRyan's comments were. I too hope my boys have been as truly able as possible to have a normal life. That is their right and I am greatful I have the opportunity to try to give them that.

I am also sorry for the loss of your brother MrsRyan. Loss whether it be a child, sibling, parent or loved one (to name but a few) is always hard to deal with and all credit to you for remembering him and doing so with your mum. It allows her to know he lives on in others hearts and minds which is so important.

Jen, hope you are sleeping better.

[jenmac22]

Hi mojito, I'm hoping that I sleep tonight, feeling exhausted just no.
You write so beautifully xx

[LilyTheSavage]

Just checking in quickly from an internet cafe. Hope you get some sleep. Lots of love XXX

[Mojito100]

Sleep well - whenever you can. It is something I struggle with since my loss and do understand. Bed time is one of the worst for me or more hiding from the thoughts.

[LilyTheSavage]

Nights and wakefulness are when my darkest thoughts and moments come too. I have to put the light on and distract myself with my kindle or laptop. There are actually advantages to my husband being away.

Nothing profound to add but just sending you love and

[Mojito100]

Had a sleepless night last night so lay in bed thinking about Dave, Paddy and others taken to soon. Thought of you Jen whilst lying there waiting for sleep to come.

[jenmac22]

Dave, another mother's day without you. Again I took out the last card from you, big bold wording on the front saying 'I LOVE YOU ' so unfair, so cruel. I visited the cemetery today, I left lots of beautiful pink and white roses, wishing you were rushing in with them to me instead.
I miss you so very much, I love you forever xxx

[Mojito100]

Thinking of you Jenmac. I'm so sorry another day has gone by without Dave being there with you.

[LilyTheSavage]

So fucking unfair. Sending you lots of love. XXX

[jenmac22]

Thankyou to my 2 beautiful friends, always there with just the right words.
Thinking of our 3 beautiful children and wishing we had them back so much.
Sending love to you both xx

[Mojito100]

[LilyTheSavage]

[jenmac22]

I have had one of the most hellish weekends. I don't know where it came from. I mean I feel sad and crap most days, and manage to mostly stay on top of it all. I was in pieces this weekend. I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to speak to anyone, or see anyone. The crying was awful. I cant believe how bad it was. I ache for my son,, I miss him so much.
I think on Friday night at 8.45pm I thought to myself its 27 months right now since I last saw Dave, and something just cracked. I really can't handle this shitty life sometimes.
I am a positive person normally, but where is the positives in all this.
My other 2 boys. I know. But how I miss the one that's missing, my jigsaw will never be whole again.

[Mojito100]

Sending you hugs. It really is just shitty and certainly not fair. I know what you mean about getting on with things. We do because we have to but you also need to have times like you just have.

It's so incredibly hard and draining when you are in that space but for whatever reason you must have needed to be.

We love those with us just as much as we always have but the gaping hole the loss leaves behind can certainly overwhelm. It does that to me.

[LilyTheSavage]

Oh Jen. I'm so sorry you're having such a shitty time. It's so hard to keep going sometimes isn't it. Whenever I feel really bad and think about ending my life I remember that I have the other two boys and I couldn't bear for them to think that I don't love them enough to stay. It doesn't stop me missing my boy though. The jigsaw with the missing piece is exactly right.

Sending you lots of love XXX

[LilyTheSavage]

I've just sent this to another dear friend. A little warm and fragrant and ginny pick-me-up. I'm going to make one today (purely in honour of you and Mojito of course). XXXXX

GIN AND TONIC CAKE!

THE INGREDIENTS

4 eggs, weighed in their shells

and then equal weight of:
butter
caster sugar
self-raising flour

2 lemons
8-10 shots of your favourite gin
dash tonic water (optional)
Icing sugar

THE RECIPE
Ensure that all your ingredients are at room temperature, and preheat the oven to 180C. Weigh your eggs in their shells, and make a note of the exact weight. Weigh out this much butter and caster sugar, and cream together until light, fluffy and pale. Crack in the eggs, and beat until combined. Sieve in the flour, mix again, then grate in the zest of both lemons. Stir through the juice of 1 lemon and 3-4 shots of gin, then pour into a lined 1kg loaf tin. Bake in the centre of the oven for 45 minutes, or until the cake passes the knife test.

Remove from the oven, and set aside while you make the icing. Combine the icing sugar, gin, tonic and remaining lemon in a bowl to make a glace icing. Spread over cake when it is cool. If you could be bothered you could decorate with strands of very fine lemon rind.

[jenmac22]

Thankyou both x

I would never leave my other 2 boys, they need me, and I couldn't cause them anymore pain. This type of pain is forever, I think it's so hard because as a mum,you fix things, and this just can't be fixed. I'm struggling with the forever.

I like slo gin lily, I'll try that cake, or ask my father in law, he's a baker, to make it for me ??

Hope you and mojito are doing okay just now.
Dave had a tattoo of a jigsaw puzzle on his chest, my cousin is a tattooist and held a memorial day for dave doing small jigsaw pieces on whoever wanted one, so hundreds of friends and family have one including me, there's always a missing piece.

[jenmac22]

But sometimes I'll be sitting in the doctors waiting room or standing in a queue, and I'll see a small jigsaw piece on someone's foot, hand or neck, and I know that person must have been connected to my darling boy, it brings a little smile, and equal amount of sadness at the same time x

[LilyTheSavage]

This is just gin and tonic cake, but I guess it would work well with sloe gin too. I've just been inspired by gluttony to make this cake and it's in the oven right now. I'll have a slice for you while it's still warm with ginny icing slithering all over it. Yummy!

Dave's jigsaw tattoo sounds amazing. How lovely to think of people with a piece. I was seriously thinking about having a tiny tattoo of a tree. (I used to be really anti tattoos so this is an enormous about-turn for me). Only thinking.

Our other boys need us and that keeps us going.

XXXX

[Mojito100]

It Is so funny you guys mention tattoos as it is never something I have wanted. Since my DD passed I often consider getting one of her.

Dave's tattoo sounds amazing and what a great idea for others to have a tattoo piece in his memory.

You are right in the fact this is a jigsaw and a crucial piece is now missing. I will never be a complete jigsaw now and in some ways don't want to be as DD needs to be here to make that happen. Without her it shouldn't.

[jenmac22]

Love you so very much dave. Always

[Mojito100]

I'll be raising my coffee cup to Dave and Paddy tomorrow and thinking of you. Take care of yourself.

[LilyTheSavage]

Tomorrow is our coffee date jen and Mojito. Cups ready to be raised. Lots of love XXX