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Bereavement

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Original poster

feeling so alone

222 replies

jenmac22 · 02/12/2014 09:26

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

OP posts:
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Original poster
jenmac22 · 29/04/2015 13:51

Thankyou mojito,and I yours, it's all too wrong, sending you love xx

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LilyTheSavage · 30/04/2015 08:42

Big hugs dearest Jen. We should be helping them do dirty laundry, making meals and just hugging them tight. XXX

Original poster
jenmac22 · 07/05/2015 03:42

Long night tonight. Feeling tired, but my mind won't let me sleep. Missing my boy with every fibre of my being. Have been trying to be positive lately, and have done okay with it,even going back to work next week.
It will just never change though will it, this sadness.It's so constant. Unless people are in the same awful situation, they will never understand, and even though that's annoying and hurtful, I hope they never have to.
Thinking of you all tonight and all our beautiful, and so very missed children xx

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maggie61 · 07/05/2015 23:00

Hi Jenmac, just seen your post , and that no one has replied, guess everyone is occupied with voting. I dont post much, but regularly look at whats on here, as it makes me feel part of the special group of mums, mums that no longer have their children with them. My son died nearly 14 years ago, i feel guilty now because I dont have the pain and heartache any more. yes I long for him, and feel sad at all the what if,s. But life does go on. I hope you got through the day and found some comfort somewhere xxx

Original poster
jenmac22 · 08/05/2015 07:16

Thankyou Maggie, I'm so sorry about your son. It's so hard isn't it, I'm glad you no longer have this pain and heartache, because I really don't think anyone's body could carry this level of agony and survive.
Its the foreverness of never seeing dave again that cripples me. Thankyou again x

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maggie61 · 08/05/2015 09:06

You are welcome jenmac, and you are right. You will find ways of dealing with your loss, it takes a long time, but as you rightly say life would be impossible if the pain didnt ease. I have had alot of guilt to come to terms with, and felt that I needed to deal with my loss to function again, otherwise it just makes the loss more difficult for other people in my life. Everyone takes their cue from the bereaved parents , so I felt if I was in control it passes on. But everyone is different and you do want you can when you can.
It is still very early on in your journey, but each day in another day through it. Feel like I have so much to say, but none of it really helps, you are in my thoughts xxx

LilyTheSavage · 08/05/2015 10:32

Hi jen

I hope you got some sleep last night. I'm just checking in to say hello. My waking thoughts are dominated too by thoughts of my DS2. I wish I could dream about him. I hate the foreverness of no more of our darling boys. I hate thinking "that's the end of my boy".

Lots of love Flowers

PS - maggie so sorry about your son too Flowers

Original poster
jenmac22 · 10/05/2015 14:16

My boys are travelling home today after seeing one of their favourite bands, Twin Atlantic. They loved the gig. Twin Atlantic are also Dave's favourite band,and Crashland his favourite song, we played his and his brothers rendition of it at daves funeral
I just wish he could have gone with his brothers yesterday, he would have just been so happy, spending time with each other, music,beers and laughter. Dave's favourite things in life. My boys, my life, love and pain.

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LilyTheSavage · 10/05/2015 17:05

It's so rubbish isn't it. He should be there with them having fun and sharing things together. I think Dave's list is very similar to what I think Paddy's list would be..... family and friends, sport, laughter, being happy (and Victoria sponge cake!)

I hope tomorrow goes well and you're not too overwhelmed. I thought of you today while I was working in the garden. Be gentle with yourself and take it easy. Flowers

Mojito100 · 15/05/2015 09:53

Checking in to see how you are. I have been a bit hit and miss lately with more things to do than hours in the day. I wish your Dave was there to enjoy the every day things with his brothers that he is missing out on. It really isn't fair and I don't know about you but it's so easy to swing between sadness and anger at the unfairness of his loss. Wishing I was there to sit across from you and just recognise with you how hard it is to get through day by day.

LilyTheSavage · 15/05/2015 20:08

Hi Jen.

Just checking in like Mojito to see how you're doing. I hope your return to work went well. It's just so completely fucking unfair that our darling boys are not doing the same things as their brothers. I feel cheated on their behalf.

I've got wine and am raising my glass to our lovely babies Jen and Mojito.

Sending you love. XXX

Mojito100 · 18/05/2015 12:17

FlowersCakeBrewStar

LilyTheSavage · 18/05/2015 13:15

and Brew and Cake from me too. xxx

Original poster
jenmac22 · 21/05/2015 08:08

Thankyou both, thinking of you both too, and sending you love xxx

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Mojito100 · 23/05/2015 17:26

I was celebrating my sister-in-laws birthday tonight and raised my glass to Dave and Paddy. We are so lucky to still have her in our life as she had health issues a couple of years ago.

It felt right to take a moment to think of you and Lily and the hard times you have faced. You are amazing how you keep going.

LilyTheSavage · 24/05/2015 00:56

Thank you Mojito. XX

derxa · 24/05/2015 07:47

jeinmac Sorry to read about your son. Hope the pain gets easier to bear as time goes past. My brother died at 32 and it shattered our family. I'm travelling back to Scotland today and I will think of you as I cross the border. Tears flowing at the moment.

Mojito100 · 03/06/2015 14:19

Thinking of you and checking in.

Original poster
jenmac22 · 05/06/2015 08:05

Thankyou derxa and mojito.
I'm sorry about your brother derxa,David's death has shattered our family too,I struggle with the reality and finality of it I hope your trip to Scotland went ok.

Can't be bothered with trite sayings, time heals,everything happens for a reason, wish people would just shut up Hmm

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Mojito100 · 05/06/2015 14:49

Loss of a child never happens for a reason. You have a right to feel like people should shut up. It's hard to manage day to day life without having the tragedy of losing a child added to the burden.

LilyTheSavage · 05/06/2015 17:12

Trite=shite..... interchangable.

Hugs. XXXX

Original poster
jenmac22 · 08/06/2015 09:20

I wish I had one more day with David.

He could walk through the door right now and everything would be back to normal. I love him and miss him so very much

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LilyTheSavage · 09/06/2015 06:11

Just one more day, one more hour. It takes your breath away.

Mojito100 · 17/06/2015 13:58

Checking in with you Jenmac as I haven't for awhile. Hope you are ok. Hugs to you.

Trooperslane · 17/06/2015 21:59

Lost children through miscarriages, including a recent pretty late one.

I can't imagine how you're feeling.

I'm so, so sorryxxxxxx

Life is very difficult. X

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