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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

feeling so alone

222 replies

jenmac22 · 02/12/2014 09:26

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

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mineofuselessinformation · 12/12/2014 20:36

Would planning something to mark the anniversary of your son's death help?
It would be a good way for you all to show how you still miss him, if you feel you could manage it. Maybe visit his grave and then a special meal after?
Don't be afraid to let it out. My cousin died 24 years ago at Christmas in similarly unexplainable circumstances (a car crash for no apparent reason).
I know my aunt still finds this time of year terribly hard.
I'm sorry for your loss.

LilyTheSavage · 13/12/2014 07:09

Morning jenmac.

Hope you got some sleep last night and that you're feeling a bit calmer today. Just checking in.

RudyMentary · 13/12/2014 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jenmac22 · 13/12/2014 08:24

Thank you all for the comments, I really appreciate your time. Thanks lily for phoning x
I am just going to the cemetery, I've bought a little tree and a plaque, we are going away next week for a few days over the date and Christmas, not probably what my boy's would like to do.but all we can manage, keeping busy is the way for me. Our whole extended family are devastated by David's death, and I can't cope with anyone elses grief.
It really helps to know I can vent on here with no repercussions, thank you all x

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jenmac22 · 14/12/2014 22:47

Watched my boy on a recording on fb today dancing in the showers after a game of rugby, so alive, so happy,made me smile and then cry . I just want him back, please god. I'm just struggling with this hell. Does it ever end

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LilyTheSavage · 15/12/2014 09:11

I saw that clip too jenmac and it made me laugh and cry as well. I really just could see Paddy joining in with those sorts of antics.

I wish there were some answers.

sscott1967 · 15/12/2014 23:04

Hi Jenmac
Thinking of you and know your pain, although mine is only since Sept 14. My DS took his life out of the blue so sadly I'm part of this shitty club. He was my oldest (20) and I'm trying to make an effort at Xmas for his 3 younger brothers. I too worry that something will happen to them too. And we all used to love Xmas.
I'm in touch with LilyTheSavage and am here if you need to talk.(Though I may not be much support xx

jenmac22 · 16/12/2014 07:11

Oh sscott, I am so very, very sorry. I know you are in a state of complete and utter horror, and disbelief. There are just no words for your pain. It means so much that even in this nightmare you have reached out to try to help me. Thank you. Your boys will be your reason for everything you do, but know that I completely understand how hard absolutely all you do still is. even though you have that reason. One person said to me right at the beginning, to 'just breathe' and right now that's all we can do. Sending you love and hugs, and wishing this time over as quickly as possible, I am here for you too xxx

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LilyTheSavage · 16/12/2014 07:51

Our darling boys are the whole raison d'être.

Hugs to you both. xxx

jenmac22 · 16/12/2014 08:34

morning Lily, thank you for sending the message to Jamie, little things mean so much xx

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LilyTheSavage · 16/12/2014 17:54

You are very welcome.

jenmac22 · 19/12/2014 19:53

It was 2 years ago 'mad friday' I will never forget how beautiful David looked, he'd bought himself a new black blazer, and was wearing his skinny jeans, white shirt and the biggest smile. All was good in Dave's world, and mine. I remember feeling a contentment with all I had. Two years since I have seen my boy, and I just miss him so much. He was simply a beautiful boy, a happy person. I haven't felt any contentment since then, and don't expect I ever will. I lost more than my son that night, I lost me. I am broken.

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LilyTheSavage · 20/12/2014 07:28

There are no words that can make our pain better. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love. XXX

I saw this the other day and it really resonated.....

As we draw nearer to the holidays, our hearts become filled with a sort of anxiety that we can't quite explain. Yes, we're so happy for this beautiful season of love and good cheer and renewal. But, we also carry such an empty spot in our hearts that spot that only our child can fill. We weep silently as our hearts ache for the child we want to hold in our arms. One of the most difficult things is "family picture" time we are so vividly reminded of the absence of our child. Life is never the same, and most certainly the holidays are never, ever the same when child loss has occurred. This is such a bittersweet time of the year for parents and families of child loss!"

jenmac22 · 24/12/2014 11:46

Yesterday we went to harry Potter studios, we all loved the books and the movies, and I thought dave would have loved that. We raised our Butterbeer and toasted dave. Trying to get through this shitty time. And knowing we are all just so sad ?? my poor boys.

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LilyTheSavage · 25/12/2014 01:16

Our poor boys.

I lit a candle for Dave tonight beside Paddy's grave. It looked beautiful with all the flowers, the wreath and the Christmas tree all lit up. It was a freezing cold, star-filled night and was quiet and calm.

Sending you love and thoughts.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 27/12/2014 16:33

Jen and Lily..I don't know how either of you cope..my hearts go out to both of you

LilyTheSavage · 30/12/2014 12:33

Thanks Will

Hi jen
How're you doing? How was your trip? I hope it brought you more peace than staying at home for Christmas would have. Ours was nice but I miss my DS so much. Nothing is right or the same without him. His death leaves such a void in our lives. Same for you.

jenmac22 · 31/12/2014 20:24

Lily, thank you for lighting a candle for Dave. I'm so glad Paddy's grave looked beautiful, and lit up, just like his smile xx
Our trip was busy and yes that was much better than being at home.

I'm not having a great day today, it feels like I have run out of energy, hit a wall, just don't feel like speaking to anyone, feel angry at the world, jealous of all the cheer. I ache for David, I just want him here, I want to feel some peace. A New Year is just another year without him.
I hope I can find the mask tomorrow for my husband and boys sakes, they really don't deserve such a shit wife and mum.

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jenmac22 · 03/01/2015 21:11

Mask came back, I have kept very busy, and I think it was okay. I need to not think about the future, just stay in the day, the minute, focus on the now.
Missing David very much, he made my family complete.

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LilyTheSavage · 04/01/2015 07:50

I started to reply last night jen but something happened. Sorry. I will message you. xxx

jenmac22 · 12/01/2015 16:28

Missing my boy so very much. He brought me sunshine ? and laughter

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LilyTheSavage · 14/01/2015 06:51

Sometimes I can scarcely believe it's really happened.

jenmac22 · 14/01/2015 10:45

I know Lily. Every day I get a terrible sinking feeling knowing it's never going to be any different, that he isnt coming home.
Feeling so low just now.

Hope you are bearing up, its just plodding on each day isn't it.

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LilyTheSavage · 18/01/2015 17:12

Hi jen

Hope you're ok. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I wish there was a cure, but the cure we need isn't available.

Sending you a big hug. XXX

jenmac22 · 31/01/2015 00:24

Missing you so much dave, I simply want you back.
Love you

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