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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

feeling so alone

222 replies

jenmac22 · 02/12/2014 09:26

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

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LilyTheSavage · 31/01/2015 10:31

You write everything I feel. I read your posts on yours and my walls and feel that they could be completely interchangeable.
Missing you so much Paddy, I simply want you back. Love you.
Yes, yes, yes!!! I could have written your post.
Sending you love. xxx

ssd · 31/01/2015 10:38

and thoughts for both of you xxx

jenmac22 · 31/01/2015 22:03

Thankyou ssd xx

Lily, I hope dave has met up with paddy, and they have an instant friendship, as we have done, they are both so loved and adored, and forever will be xx

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LilyTheSavage · 01/02/2015 08:08

Absolutely jen. I love the thought of them being together.
I start every day with thoughts of my boy and he crowds into my mind throughout the day. Always there.

jenmac22 · 05/02/2015 21:55

Same lily. Dave is always in my head, on my mind, his absence punishes me daily. In my head,but I can't see his face, I want to see it so much, why can't I see him, there's never any answers

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LilyTheSavage · 06/02/2015 07:12

Always there. Always present. Seeing photos is almost worse than not seeing his face. There's so much I want to say to him. I wonder if he's somewhere watching me. I don't know if I believe in any sort of after-life. People say that he'd want me to be happy. How can I be happy without one of my raisons-d'etre.

LilyTheSavage · 06/02/2015 07:13

Sorry jen. That really wasn't meant to be an "it's-all-about-me" post, but I'd just posted on my own thread and usually whatever you and I post can be completely interchangeable!
Sending you complete understanding and lots of love.

QOD · 06/02/2015 07:44

I'm. So.sorry that I missed this before
sending you both love and comfort

jenmac22 · 06/02/2015 08:20

Thank you QOD xx

Lily, your posts are never "all about me".
I have always believed in an after life, I don't know why, I think there must be somewhere better than what we have here, and I want to believe, at 21, Dave had so much more to give, he would have been a fantastic English teacher, musician, he had a beautiful soul, it couldn't just stop.
One night, not long after his accident, I kept asking him for some sign, anything that would let me know he was around, he loved his family, always told me he loved me, every day, even when at uni, he'd text and let me know. I'll try to post the photo I took that evening. It gave me a little hope.

feeling so alone

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Mojito100 · 06/02/2015 10:12

Jenmac, I'm not sure if I have posted on your thread before and if not I am so sorry. I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful son and I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner. My heart is breaking today for my own DD lost so tragically early and reading your posts I just know what you are going through. I wish you didn't have to suffer the same as I do and I wish your beautiful boy was there for you to hug and hold.

jenmac22 · 06/02/2015 15:30

Thank you Mojito, its such a hellish pain, you don't want any others to suffer it at all. I am equally sorry about your darling daughter, and the deep heartbreak you are suffering today. Its humbling to me that even when you are feeling so shit, you would take time out of your day to speak to me, I hope tomorrow is a little easier for you xx

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LilyTheSavage · 06/02/2015 18:16

Hi jen

I'm glad you two have "found" each other.

That's a lovely picture Jen. I keep looking for signs and messages too. Dave sounds so lovely. I often wonder if he and Paddy have found each other yet. I wish I could believe. I don't know what to believe or think. I just don't know. Paddy wasn't religious as such (although he did extremely well at RE A level), but the school chaplain who was a good friend of his and did his funeral made a very good point. Father Michael said that Paddy wasn't religious but he knew that it was important to people whose opinion he respected. That line has stuck with me and i haven't closed off entirely the idea that there might be something else.

Sending love to two dear friends who I have never met!

jenmac22 · 08/02/2015 15:42

Some days, sadness just engulfs me. These are the days i don't Want to be here, and I wonder how life can ever be okay again.
Reading over Dave's Facebook rumblings and just missing him with all that I have

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LilyTheSavage · 08/02/2015 18:50

I know Jen. I've had quite a few days like that recently. The only thing that stops me trying to join my DS is that I can't let my other DSs and my DH think I don't love them enough to stay.

Just sending you lots of love.

jenmac22 · 08/02/2015 19:39

I know. I dreamt one night that I was with dave, and we were in a room, he said to me to look through the window, and there was my other boys absolutely devastated, I would never leave them intentionally. I am just so tired of this heartache. You know how exhausting it is and how constant.
Thank you lily for understanding xx

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LilyTheSavage · 09/02/2015 07:20

We think as one.

Mojito100 · 09/02/2015 09:54

I get it too. I can't wait to be with my DD again or even just to have this never ending pain stop. I can't leave my beautiful boys and wouldn't because they truly deserve to have as normal a life as they can and it is my responsibility to give them that.

Those times when the grief is all encompassing are so so hard. We all seem to get through it but when you hit that big bottomless pit of sorrow it's bloody hard to keep going.

Hugs and love and coffee and flowers for you Jenmac. I often sit in a favourite chair of mine on a weekend and think about Paddy and raise my coffee cup to him. I'll be raising it to Dave as well now and thinking of both you and Lily and how amazing you are dealing with what you do.

jenmac22 · 09/02/2015 17:53

Thank you mojito. That made me cry, not in a sad way though, I am just very grateful thankyou for thinking about dave and paddy and raising your cup to them. And for thinking about me too xxx,sending you love

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LilyTheSavage · 10/02/2015 09:58

Hi Jen.
I hope you're having a better day today. (That sounds so trite doesn't it).

I've just raised my coffee cup in remembrance.

LilyTheSavage · 10/02/2015 09:59

And I forgot to say thank you.

Mojito100 · 14/02/2015 10:27

Jenmac just checking in on you. I just checked in on Lily too. It has been a funny weekend so far so I am planning some time out for myself by sitting in my chair and thinking of you, Dave, Paddy and Lily tomorrow.

I hope you are managing ok. It is so challenging losing a beloved child. I often call it the roller coaster and I wish it wasn't.

LilyTheSavage · 14/02/2015 14:22

I described it as feeling unshiny and life being tarnished.
Hope you're ok today Jen. Big hugs. XX

jenmac22 · 14/02/2015 14:56

Hi to both of you,thankyou for checking in xx.
I descibe it as never being happy regardless of the situation, I miss happy.
Love to you both xxx

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LilyTheSavage · 15/02/2015 12:18

Checking in with you Jen. Hope today is a calm day. XXX

jenmac22 · 17/02/2015 20:01

I am having a very 'feeling sorry for myself day' today, I miss David, I ache for him, his laughter and his chat. Just him,
One of those deep sighs and pissed of days. I even googled ' fucked off'
Its just shit. And I hate this life we now have to live.

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