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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

feeling so alone

222 replies

jenmac22 · 02/12/2014 09:26

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

OP posts:

Report

Mojito100 · 30/03/2015 11:20

I raised my cup to you and your boys. It is sad that we have to do this and I think how lucky I am to have found you - people that understand.

LilyTheSavage · 30/03/2015 13:51

Hope you had a peaceful weekend jen and not too much fuckwittage.

XXX

jenmac22 · 03/04/2015 08:37

Thanks both x

I'm trying to get myself back to work. The panic and bad thoughts of that devastating night are getting a little less, sleep happens now some nights.

I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

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LilyTheSavage · 04/04/2015 07:12

I've only just seen this. Sorry. I'm glad you're getting a bit more sleep and the panics seem less frequent.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

It's our coffee date.

jenmac22 · 05/04/2015 23:02

I miss you David, I miss your happiness.
I miss us.

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LilyTheSavage · 06/04/2015 07:20

I miss big tight squeezy hugs that smell of my boy. XXX

jenmac22 · 09/04/2015 22:38

I always go to the cemetery alone, I talk a little bit and cry and I can just be....
Today I had to meet a lady from the council there, I'm wanting to place a memorial bench there that people can sit and just be. I wasnt okay, I hated to stand there as though I could hold a conversation and it was just so wrong. The mask worked well today. The bench will be hand crafted by a local carver, he made a beautiful bench for dave which sits at his rugby club. I just wish I was still paying uni costs, flat rent and ordering him food, instead of flowers and a bench. So unfair

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LilyTheSavage · 13/04/2015 22:32

Hi jen

How lovely that the rugby club want to continue to remember Dave and to celebrate his life. It's just so wrong wrong wrong that we are reduced to remembering our boys with benches and treating them to beer and pizza. So wrong.

Sending you love.

Mojito100 · 15/04/2015 15:07

I haven't popped in for awhile and I know what you mean about how wrong it is. You are right to have somewhere to be able to sit and think about your beautiful boy but it should be about the uni fees and daily stuff instead of this.

I have a seat in the cemetery but it just doesn't feel quite real for me for some reason. I do use it but often feel closer to her when lying in bed thinking of her.

I have tears at the moment knowing how much we each miss our children and how truly hard that is at times.

I think I need coffee and to think of you both tomorrow so will take some time out in the morning to do just that.

Mojito100 · 17/04/2015 10:50

and hugs sent your way.

LilyTheSavage · 18/04/2015 07:55

Hi jen

Just popping in to say hello and invite you for coffee.

Lots of love

Mojito100 · 19/04/2015 14:51

I enjoyed my coffee and thought of you and Dave. It helps taking time out to sit and think of loved ones lost and those missing them oh so terribly. It puts day to day life into perspective. And let's me not get so worked up about the things that just don't matter now.

jenmac22 · 21/04/2015 00:02

Hi mojito, thankyou for thinking about me and dave, he is gorgeous, 6 foot tall,big beautiful smile, and red thick hair, you can see him now when you pause with your coffee, he would bring a smile to anyone's face. He was going to be an English teacher, but his first love was music, he played guitar and sung, he loved sunny days, sitting in the garden and strumming.
He never cared about money or things, people were much more important to dave, and he brought people together who were so different but because they were all friends of David's became friends of each other. I really admired that strength. He was always happy and healthy and he made us all feel like that. There were no sides to dave, what you saw is what you got. I absolutely adore him.
Mojito I hope you get a picture now in your head, and thankyou again for thinking of him xx

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LilyTheSavage · 21/04/2015 07:51

Hi jen

You paint such a lovely picture of Dave and I have that firmly in my head now. It made me smile.

Hope you have a peaceful day and that you got some sleep.

Sending love. XXX

jenmac22 · 21/04/2015 09:49

Aw Lily, just miss him so much, as you do Paddy, but he makes me smile too, he really was a sunny boy xx

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Mojito100 · 21/04/2015 12:16

Jen I love that you have shared your Dave with me. Thank you I feel very honoured. I shall have a clear picture of him now as I think of you, Lily and your two precious boys most days but especially weekends. What a handsome boy he must have been, I have a soft spot for red heads, and what an amazing person he was. A true loss to the world. Take care of yourself. Some days you won't feel like it but you are doing an amazing job continuing on when it really can be so hard to do it some days.

ChillySundays · 22/04/2015 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mojito100 · 27/04/2015 01:17

Checking in and thinking of you.

LilyTheSavage · 27/04/2015 07:22

Hi jen

Just checking in as well to see how you're feeling. I hope you're getting some sleep now.

Have you been able to link in with the carpenter who's going to make Dave's bench? The other one is gorgeous and it will be lovely to have another one beside Dave where you can go to.

Sending love

LilyTheSavage · 27/04/2015 13:33

Fleeting happy moments. Precious moments but touched with melancholy. That just sums it up. Everything is underpinned with sadness even when on the surface of it I'm ok. xxx

jenmac22 · 27/04/2015 20:47

It really does sum it up lily. I am sad all the time, wishing for a different life.
I met with the wood carver today, and placed my order for the bench to place beside dave at the cemetery, it will be beautiful, with a guitar, books and a rugby ball, all his favourite things. I just can't believe that I'm having to do this for my boy.

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Mojito100 · 28/04/2015 10:17

I wish there was a heart and hug emoticon as I would send them your way.

LilyTheSavage · 28/04/2015 18:21

Me too Mojito.

I'm glad you've ordered the bench. Will it take very long to make? It'll be good to have somewhere to sit. I tend to sit on the grass and probably look as if I should be locked up (not a good look actually).

Sending you gentle hugs and XXX

jenmac22 · 29/04/2015 10:50

Thankyou both x

The bench should be ready by july, yes it'll be nice to have somewhere to sit.
Yesterday was just a bad day, I think ordering the bench was just too much really, I should be paying his rent with the money, ordering him groceries. I just cried all day long, made my husband very sad too, but I just couldn't stop. It's all so hard xx

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Mojito100 · 29/04/2015 12:42

I heaved a sigh as I read your post. The tears and exhaustion from just going on can be so overwhelming at times and I was wishing I could take that burden from you. Hugs to you and your family.

Flip

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